Nothing but dust

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love…”

(Leonard Cohen-“Dance me till the End of Love”)

He took me in his arms lifting me slowly and carrying me to the bed…

-Princess…you don’t know how happy you made me showing up to my door. I miss holding you and kissing you…I miss making love to you…

-wait, Phillipe, i have something to say to you…

-later, my beauty…i think i have waited long enough…you’re always with someone else, always too busy or feeling bad…

-Phillipe, i’m here to tell you it’s over. There’s no easy way to do that, but you’ll see in time…i made the right choice.

He looked in my eyes with a calm that gave me cold shivers.

-No, baby, we’re not over. And if it’s about the company, i’ll give it back to you right now. I even thought to buy you something…i know how much you miss the model agency, so i thought i could buy it for you…you know, just to have a hobby till our baby is born..

-What you said now…it’s crazy. And no, i don’t want the company, i don’t want anything. I just want you to let me go. Completely and forever…

-princess…you know that’s not possible. I love you and i want you…you’re just confused. I know what you need…now come back in my arms and let’s make love. You’re mine, remember?

The sadness i was feeling was overwhelming. He didn’t seemed to heard me or to understand me.

-I’m in love with someone else! Do you understand now? I didn’t wanted to be cruel, but i can’t stand to be touched by you. He’s in my mind all the time…i’m sorry i had to tell you…

There was something wild in his eyes, like that night in the castle. He grabbed my hands making me feel helpless…

-Who? Never mind…i don’t believe you. And if it’s true, too bad for you! You’ll learn to love me, because i’m not letting you go, Alicia. One day, you’ll thank me for pushing things like this. You’re acting like a spoiled princess who lost a toy and now she’s angry to the entire world. But you know what? This time it’s not working! Not the tears, not the vulnerable look, not the trembling of your body…nothing! I told you once, but you forgot…i always win. What is it now? You’re afraid…so sweet…

-I’m not afraid, i’m sick to my stomach, Phillipe! Do you even know what love is? Did you ever loved anybody other than yourself? Ok, you can have me, there’s no way i can fight you…we can have sex…but love? No, monsters can’t love. And i don’t care…

-You don’t want your company back?

-No.

-I told you before…you’ll kill your father. This is his life…you take it away from him.

-So, if you care so much about my dad, give him the company. I promised him i’ll do my best in our trip and i’m going to keep my promise. Of course, you’re the boss…maybe you want me to resign right now, i’ll be happy to do it.

-Alicia, don’t…i’m sorry, baby. For everything i said before…i’m like possessed when i’m around you. I don’t know how to control myself anymore. Princess…forgive me. I agree with everything you said and if you want i’ll never touch you again. We’re breaking up if that is your choice. Look, right now i’ll return the company to your dad, ok? Just come with me in this trip…I love you too much and i need just a little more time with you. You realize that you called me “a monster”? And all i did is loving you and protecting you. Alicia, you hurt me so much…

A few weeks ago i said that everything i touch turns into dust. I was wrong. In all this time i was touching dust. Hoping, praying, lying to myself that i found true love. But dust remains dust. Always and forever…

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Never sell my soul…

“I know you think you’d never be mine
Well that’s okay, baby, I don’t mind
That shy smile’s sweet, that’s a fact
Go ahead, I don’t mind the act.”

(Enrique Iglesias-“Sad eyes”)

Work! Stop thinking about him! Just work and ignore the rest! How can you do that? Thinking of another man when Phillipe is right here, next to you? Just keep working!

-Hey, you two love birds! The boss want to talk to you and i got the pleasure to tell you that it’s serious! Can’t wait to see your faces when he’s done with you…

Now what i’m going to do? My dad must know about me and Phillipe…it’s against the rules of the company…and i signed the contract knowing this! And look how mean is this guy saying all this…he doesn’t even pretend to like me…

-Phillipe…what if he…

He smiled at me and took me by my shoulders.

-So what? Let him find out! What can your father do to you, princess? Throw you out of the company? Don’t think so…He’ll be angry for a while, but i guess he’ll be like that no matter who you’ll be dating. His precious little girl…no man will ever be good enough for you, Alicia. So, relax and let me do all the talking. I’m your lawyer, right?

And here we are! In my father’s office…he’s looking so serious. I try to read in his eyes and i see more than anger. Or a completely different feeling…he seems hurt…and i feel so sorry but…

-I heard some rumours…And before i’ll say anything, i wanna hear it from you, Alicia. What is going on here? How could you do that? You disappointed me terribly. You got a talent of choosing them…

-Dad…i never meant…

I’m trying so hard to look brave but i feel my hands shaking…i don’t know what to say, i don’t know what i did…and why is he so upset. And i feel like crying. Phillipe took my hand, i just hope he doesn’t make it worst…

-And why are you talking to your daughter like this? You ask her to respect this company when you’re the only one who’s disrespectful here. What do you wanna hear? Details? She’s an adult, perfectly capable to make her own decisions! It’s not your business who’s she dating outside work. You should really apologize to her. And to me!

-Phillipe, get out of my office!

-Your office? Don’t make me laugh! You’re nothing but an old fool talking like this to me…

My God, how can he talk like this to my father? I hardly recognize him…

-Phillipe, don’t talk like this to my dad! He has every right to be upset, you know that! And if he’s the owner of the company, so if he tells you to get out of the office…

-So, are you ready to tell her the truth? Or should i do it?

-What truth? Dad…what’s going on here?

-Alicia…i didn’t want you to find out like this. We had a few hard years…i made some risky investments and i lost it…Our company…your company. You’re dating the new owner…

I can’t be hearing right! A nightmare…he’s having tears in his eyes. What am i doing now? Can’t stay here anymore, i need time to figure a way out of this. I have to go out!

-Alicia…baby, stop running like this! We need to talk! Come here…this room is perfect!

-No, Phillipe, let me go! I don’t wanna talk to you. You’re a thief…you stole my dad’s work. My company! Don’t touch me, i’m sick of you!

-You will talk to me and i will touch you! Let me lock this door…ok. You’re acting like a child. Again…and i’m really tired of this attitude. I did not stole anything. It’s the way i make money. Buying and selling…I think i told you i’m a business man, right? What’s these? Tears…again. I thought you’re a business woman, but i see you’re just a scared little girl. Let me kiss you, you know i can’t stand to see you cry…

-Don’t you dare! These tears are out of anger! We are over! You never loved me…i hope you had fun cause you’ll never touch me again!

-Baby, don’t be silly. Of course i love you…why do you think i heaven’t already sell this company? Because it’s yours! I’m giving it back to you…silly girl…Come here, stop fighting with me, i have no intention to harm you. Do you like the way i’m holding you, baby? I want you to relax…

He started to kiss me while in my mind the news were overwhelming. He’ll give me back my company. He’s serious about this.

-When?

-When you’re get it back? After the tour…i wanna see you taking charge. Winning…because you’re a winner. Just like me, like it or not!

-So, all i have to do is to make a good job on the Eastern-Europe’s market? Sign a few contracts? That’s all? And you’ll give me back…

-Alicia…that’s not a toy! We’re not two child fighting over a toy…we’re partners. Show me you’re an adult, assume our relationship as well…be a leader and it’s yours! And yes…i’m only human, i want you to accept the engagement ring…that should be a part of our partnership…

-Then, you can keep it to yourself! And stick it in your…

-Now that’s the way a business woman is talking? Baby…let’s make it clear: it’s the last time you’re offending me!

-I’m not for sail, Phillipe! You cannot buy me! I won’t sell myself, but i’ll work really hard to get back what belongs to my family! And regarding our relationship…

-You’re angry now…we are fine. I’m the same man, i love you even more since i told you the truth. I’m loosing my patience sometimes because you’re too much…But you’re young and rebel…it’s understandable. I promise you i’ll give you back the company, ok? No matter if you’re sleeping with me or not! Just let me see you on the tour…i wanna prove you i was right. You’re a leader, like me and with a little guidance…

-Promise? You’ll sign the papers…

-Yes, silly! Now, can we change the subject? I wanna make you happy…and loved…

(to be continued)

The window to my soul

“Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I’m lying like a child in your arms…”

(Bonnie Tyler-“Total Eclipse of the heart”)

What’s wrong with me, missing you like that…if i had more time, if you had more courage…And what’s wrong with you, not to see, not to feel the true love…You’re in my dreams every night and day…in every pray and in every breath…Mark…

-Look who’s here!

-A…li!

-My God, it’s little Robby! Bryce, you didn’t told me you’re bringing my precious little Robby here! How are you, sweetie?

-Ali, it was impossible to keep him away from you. After all, he’s repeating your name ever since you and Phillipe came to our house.

-I’m just so happy that you and Helen accepted my invitation. Where is Helen? I can’t wait to show her all the places…

-She’s shopping! Typical woman! She said you told her about a boutique…i wanted to see you and to talk to you and in an hour we’ll meet her. If that’s ok for you…

-Of course…i missed you guys. And i missed my little Robby…

-Ali, i wanted to thank you! I don’t know what you said to Helen, but she’s a different woman. She started a diet and it shows…And she’s more calm and loving. I know you talked to her on the phone…almost every day. You did a miracle to our marriage, Ali!

-No, Bryce, you did! Or…you two, together. She just needed someone to talk to…a friend, someone to tell her how beautiful she really is and how she doesn’t need to fill the empty space in her heart with food! She only need her husband’s love. But please, be sensitive to her needs…you have an amazing woman in your life and she’s madly in love with you. Just don’t let her go…

-You are an angel, Ali…if there’s anything we can do…

-Just enjoy this time here! I hope you’ll like my apartment in Nice, it’s not very big, but you’ll have privacy. And i’m offering my services as baby-sitter as well! So you two could have some time together…

-Ali…thank you! I almost forgot, we have a gift for you! It’s a lot more appropriate for you…i’m sorry if the last time i frightened you…tell me if you like it.

-Wow! It’s so beautiful? That’s me?

-Yes…looking trough a window…and seeing an angel on the other side…only that you don’t know that the window is actually a mirror showing you your soul…please, read the poem as well…

“The Window to your Soul

I see a light on your window, it’s late in the night

and i can’t see if you’re laughing or crying inside…

Locked away from the world, in the Dark Castle,

i wish i could be that knight…to rescue you…

from all the sadness and evil surrounding you…

To caress your hair and whisper in your ear

that all the danger is gone…

I see a light on your window, it’s late in the night

but i can’t see if you’re awake or lost in a dream

when He’s telling you to follow Him…”

-Bryce…that’s amazing, i really felt like this recently…now i’m overwhelmed…

-it’s just a poem…Ali, there are a few things that you need to know. It’s about Phillipe…about you and him. You don’t seems happy to me…tell me, is he treating you right? Or did he…

-No, i’m ok, Bryce, i’m just oversensitive and ever since i came back from that castle i’m having nightmares…

-What castle?

-in Lacoste…you know…i’m probably overreacting but i never felt so sick like in that place…

-Ali…did he said or do anything to you? How sick did you felt? Like poisoned? Or drugged…tell me and please be honest because it’s not too late…did he hurt you in any way? Because if he did…

Right in that moment i saw him…he probably listened the whole conversation because his eyes were like fire…

-Phillipe…

-What do you mean by hurting her?! Bryce, are you out of your mind?! Are you saying to my fiancee that i might drugged her or poisoned her…You’re the only one poisoning her mind with those foolish words…

I looked at him trying to make him calm down.

-Phillipe, please…you’re going to scare little Robby…i know you would never do something like that. It’s all that matter, right? I trust you…i think we all need to get out from this office. You said you’ll buy me ice cream…

He smiled at me, taking me in his arms. Holding me tight and kissing my hair…The feeling of being safe was so strong that i wondered how could i ever think differently. I saw myself like a scared child needing to be reassured.

-Baby, if i said i’ll buy you ice cream, you’ll get ice cream! You and Robby! This guy, Bryce…who used to be my best friend…i don’t know him anymore…And, Bryce!…we’re not done yet!

I looked for one last time at the painting…remembering Bryce’s poem…

I don’t even know sometimes if i’m awake or lost in a dream…i only know that when he’s telling me to follow him…my heart is just on a different path.

I know you’re wrong…

“I’ve had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I’m looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it’s time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don’t just let me go”

(George Michael-“One more try”)

Lacoste, le Chateau de Le Marquis de Sade

-So…what do you think, my love? Those walls saw it all…this view is what He saw every day here. The history showed that this is the place He adored more than any other. Feel this energy in the air…Alicia, i feel so alive, so energized, i could live here! Home…

I was trying really hard to share his enthusiasm. It was a pleasant feeling to see him so happy, like a child who just opened a gift, but beyond that…I was struggling my inner storms, thinking of Mark and judging myself for kissing a complete stranger. I felt sad and abandoned and the castle seemed to made it worst. Like a dark cloud over my head…i felt a deep loneliness inside me and a sharp pain in my head. And a lack of air who got worst ever since i stepped inside the castle.

-Yes, Phillipe, it’s beautiful, even if it gives me some cold shivers…Look at those paintings and those images…can’t you feel the pain of his victims? It’s a very cold place…

-We’ll make it warm…i’m ready to make you love this place as much as i do. Come here…i have a gift for you. Close your eyes and feel this…

The touch of silk…

-A vintage dress…for me? It’s gorgeous, thank you so much…

-I want you to wear it tonight. Right now…and then i’ll show you the surprise. But first…let me see my beautiful princess dressed like she deserves…

The vintage dress was amazing. Brushing my hair, i kept repeating to myself that it’s alright. I’m oversensitive…in fact, i must be crazy…i just said “i love you” to a stranger. My God…maybe he’s having fun right now telling all to his friends. But he gave me the Medal. I looked at the necklace…no, i’m not crazy. And i have to get back to Phillipe…

-…is it ok?

He looked at me like it was the first time he was seeing me. Fascinated, amazed…i smiled to him thinking how much he loves me and how much he deserves from me to try…at least to try to feel…

-Alicia…i’m breathless…i tried to imagined this so many times…

He took me in his arms and held me so tight. I was still feeling bad but i tried to rationalize this sensation. After all…i was there with the man i supposed to love, in a castle. He tried everything to make me feel special and loved. I had no reason at all to react this way.

Two hours later, the main bedroom

-Feeling better, my love? You are so pale…

-Phillipe…the dinner was extraordinary…you brought me all my favorite food…with a touch of Provence. Even the home made chocolate that i used to eat when i was a child. And the wine…fabulous! I’m just so sorry i ruined the dinner…

-Don’t be silly, you just gave me a reason to take you to bed, my beauty…And now that you’re here in my arms is all perfect. Alicia…take off the dress. I wanna kiss you all over…and i’m gonna start with this little spot on your neck…Baby, what’s that necklace you’re wearing? The Miraculous Medal…i’m sure you didn’t had it when we left home…

He grabbed my face looking deep in my eyes. He was serious. I started to feel myself blushing and i tried, in desperation, to find a lie…

-No…someone gave it while i was waiting for you…it’s nothing, really. I forgot already…

I could see the anger growing in his eyes. My heart started to beat faster…he seemed changed, like something wild was taking control…

-Alicia, you’re the worst liar i ever met! Ok, my love…if it’s nothing…i’ll tell you what to do. Take it off and throw it away. Now! Didn’t you heard me? Or you need help? My pleasure…

He took the necklace in his hand trying to ripe it off my neck. I felt a panic and sadness like never before…

-No, Phillipe, stop it! I’ll tell you everything…just don’t break it. Please…

I started to cry, protecting the necklace with both of my hands. He stopped and lifted my face so he could see my eyes…

-I was…in the church…and it was a man who has the necklace…and i told him about my mom…and he gave it to me because he felt sorry for me. Cause i lost mine…and i was afraid to tell you cause you said not to go in the church…

I couldn’t speak anymore. My tears runned down my cheeks straight to the dress. It wasn’t about the fight anymore…i cried because my heart was so full…

-Baby…it’s alright. I’m sorry i got so angry with you. I believe you, ok? Stop crying, you’re gonna ruin the dress…Alicia…i don’t know what happened right now…i lost control. I felt that you’re acting like a spoiled child…thinking only about yourself. And me, my love? Don’t you think you hurt me a little too much? I’m only human…And i’m used to a different kind of woman. Sometimes i don’t know how to get to you…but all i do is for your own good. Try to be a little more sensitive about my requests…i don’t think is so hard…

-yes…i’m so tired…i think is the wine…i just wanna sleep…

-…you will, princess. Tell me…you wanna make me happy? But be honest now…

-you know i do…

-good…because i have something to ask you. A dream…my dream and yours too. Remember when you told me how much you want a child…my love…this is the perfect time, the perfect place…

-what do you mean?  You wanna…Here? No…i can’t…you know, i need more time…we need time…

-Alicia, i love you. It’s simple…In time, you’ll love me too…but why should we wait? We both have this dream…let’s make it happen right now…just think about…

His words were like fire in my heart. I said no…thinking all the time that i made the right decision…

Because in a place where fear and anger took the place of love…

in a place where i felt ravished by sadness and not by passion…

in a place where having a child is an expression of possession and control, and not an expression of a loving family…

No child should be conceived without love! No child should be a cure, or a bond, or a price, or a gift…or an attempt to heal my broken heart.

Touched by an Angel

“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be…”

(J. Groban-“To where you are”)

Lacoste, Provence (France)

-It’s so quiet in here…

-Isn’t it beautiful, Alicia? Look at the colors, so bright and alive…this place has a life of himself. If you listen carefully you might hear the wind whispering trough the lavender fields…

-Are you sure is not le Marquis de Sade, telling us to get away from his village? i asked smiling to Phillipe.

-We’ll see, my beauty…i have a surprise for you…

-Other that visiting his castle? It’s a lifetime visit, considering that it’s not opened to public. You really have friends in high places, Phillipe.

-Baby…promise me you wont run away…i arranged for us to stay over night at the castle. Hope you’re not scared of the rumors…

-What rumors? My God, i’m going to sleep in the same place where le Marquis de Sade…

-In his home, my love. And yes…some terrible things happened there. I know how sensitive you are, Alicia…And there’s a downside to this: i have to do something before we’ll get there. Is a part of the surprise…

-It’s alright…i saw a small church, i could visit that place while you’re doing…you know what.

-No, don’t go to the church…it’s not even catholic. Look, there’s a bistro…they have a great coffee and i’m back in an hour. I hate leaving you alone…

-I’ll be fine…go and arrange my surprise!

He kissed me and made me promise that i won’t go anywhere else than the bistro. And i won’t talk to the local people. And i won’t say a word about the place where i’m sleeping tonight. Overprotective…i said to myself.

Of course…i always do what i’m told not to do…

The small church doesn’t seemed catholic, it had the look of a protestant place. And also seemed empty…i found a place to stay and admire the ray of light dancing to the walls. The feeling of peace and love was so strong…i almost felt like a child in his mother’s arms. My mom, i missed her so much. And what if…I looked around me…no one could hear me, so i started to talk looking to the blue light from the window…

-God, i know i don’t pray and you know how much i avoid churches…Maybe You’re upset with me, but if You can hear me…i miss her. Mom, if you’re there, it’s Isabel. Remember how you used to call me? I know it’s been a while…sometimes i can’t even remember how you looked and that scares me. Do you remember me? I was 5 when i saw you for the last time…I’m a grown woman now. You know, mom, sometimes i feel like a little girl angry and scared and all i want is for you to hold me tight…or at least to give me a sign that you still love me…

I felt warm salty tears running down my face and i realized i’m on my knees looking at the sky…Just when i tried to get up on my feet, i heard a sound of steps behind me. I turned and there it was…this man was here all the time. He was just looking at me with the most beautiful light-blue eyes i ever saw in my life. Curly blonde hair and a disarming smile…I felt like my face is turning red…

-I apologize…i heard you talking and i didn’t want to make you feel bad…your words touched me and i just couldn’t go. I’m really sorry. I’m Mark…you must be Isabel?

-It’s actually Alicia  Isabel. My mother used to call me Isabel. I guess you hear it all…i just made a complete fool of myself…

-No, don’t say this! I was afraid i’m gonna start to cry…i grew up without my parents, they died in a car accident and i miss them terribly. I’m sorry, don’t know why i’m telling this to you.

I looked in his eyes, he seemed so friendly and honest…for the first time in my life i felt completely lost in front of a man…not knowing what to say or do.

-So, you’re from Lacoste? i asked thinking that’s the most stupid thing i can say…

-No, Isabel, i’m from London. I work in a hospital and i’m also a Red Cross missionary…I’m here with a few friends visiting La Cote d’Azur. And to be honest, i saw you going in this church and i just couldn’t stop following you here…now  i made a complete fool of myself…

I smiled to him wiping away my tears…

-When i first saw you…your eyes…you look like an angel and for a brief moment i though…

-That i’m an angel? Isabel…that’s the sweetest thing i ever heard. No…just an ordinary man. Can i give you my phone number? I really want to talk to you again…

When he opened his wallet i saw there a picture. It was Jesus and His Heart…

-What’s there? I had one like this when i lived with my mom…

-What? Divine Mercy? It’s something i always have…it makes me feel more in peace with myself, knowing how much He loves me…You had one too?

-Yes, and a necklace too, with a medal with two hearts and a few letters written…can’t remember. My mom always said i’m protected wearing it…but when me and my dad moved away…he didn’t allowed me to take them…i remember how much i cried…

-My God…Isabel, i had no idea…

He took me in his arms holding me tight. I felt like i never wanna let him go…my mind was telling me he’s a stranger but in my heart i felt like he’s what i’m searching for so long…

-I wanna give you this…

He gave me the little picture with Jesus…the Divine Mercy…

-And i think you need also this…

In that moment i saw it…he was wearing the same medal…the memories came back with a force that took my breath away…

-Mark, this is…

-The Miraculous Medal. And yes…you are protected when you wear it, your mom was right. It’s yours now…

-No, Mark, i can’t…you don’t even know me, how can you give me something so precious?…

-I have this feeling that you need it more than i do…I don’t know why, i just feel this…anyway, i have another one at home, so we’ll wear the same Medal, like a connection between us. Now…do you want me to help you with the necklace?

He touched my hair and slowly lift it. His fingers touched the back part of my neck…i tried really hard to not let him know the sensation he was creating in my body…I turned slowly, looking in his eyes. I wanted to thank him but i felt like crying…

-Now it’s perfect…let me wipe away these tears.

He touched my face so gently and pulled me closer to him…he leaned on me still looking in my eyes. I felt my heart beating so fast as he pressed his lips on mines kissing me with a tenderness i never felt before. I touched his curly hair letting him kiss me with passion, feeling my body trembling and my heart ready to explode…it felt like my first kiss…like my first love.

-Isabel, i don’t know how or where…but i have to see you again…promise me you won’t forget…

-Never…i’ll never forget you or the Miracle you made me live today. I…

-tell me…

-I love you…

He took me in his arms again and held me for a few more precious moments before he left…taking my heart with him.

(to be continued)

Stronger…

“WOMEN WHO HAVE MADE MISTAKES
ARE A LITTLE AFRAID
THEY DON’T LIKE TAKING CHANCES
SHE WILL PLAY THE WAITING GAME
SHE’S NEVER IMPRESSED BY THE MANLY ADVANCES
I KNOW I’VE JUST MET YOU
MAYBE I SHOULD KNOW BETTER
BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY
THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE THAT’S SO RIGHT”

(Tina Turner-“I don’t wanna loose you”)

-I just spoke to Brice…it’s a poem, a goth poem inspired from a medieval story. So, it’s not about you…or me! There’s no evil forces ready to take you to the darkness, my princess! Just me…more than ready to take you to bed…

I started to laugh. He was charming, as always, knowing exactly what to say to ease my tension. The hot shower made my skin warm and soft and i knew how much he loves the scent of roses from my favorite perfume…I wanted to look beautiful for him, knowing how much he’s trying to make everything perfect for me. The room was gorgeous…the modern designs combined with the medieval style, all white…

-Alicia…you look amazing…

He was in front of the door and his eyes were proving me he really mean it…he seemed fascinated and that made me feel so proud of myself…

-Wait, i’m not ready yet! I didn’t brushed my hair…

-Let me do that…it will be my pleasure…

He took the brush from my hand and held me close leading me to bed. I sit there, relaxed…he started to brush my hair and the sensation was incredible…

-You like it, princess?

-Phillipe…i feel so relaxed…i don’t even know when i felt like this in the past…i guess…never before…

-good…that’s the way you should feel…no silly painting will change that…

-i’m sorry for believing that it was about us…

-you know…when i saw that scared look on your face…you’re not afraid, aren’t you, Alicia? I want you to tell me that you trust me…

-i do…i trust you completely…i’m here…i’m still here…because of you…you know it, that night…when Peter tried to…i just wanted to die…

-don’t pronounce his name in my presence!

The sound of his voice was changed…he stopped brushing my hair and now he turned me to look directly in my eyes.

-…no, Phillipe…i want you to know something…it was not only about that night…I felt so hurt because he never tried to talk to me after that…not a single call…after eight years of relationship…and knowing how much pain he caused me…he didn’t even cared if i’m alive or dead…

-he did.

Phillipe said this in such a normal tone…i started to wonder if i heard it right…He pushed me gently against the pillow, holding my body tight and looking straight into my eyes.

-I will tell you once…and then i don’t wanna hear a single word about him. He called you many times that night…i blocked all the calls but i did send him a message…that if it will be one more call…i’ll ask for a restriction order…

All the information was too much…i felt overwhelmed. I tried to get up but he was holding me close to his body…her hands were caressing my skin an he continued to talk calmly…

-and there were a few messages as well…i erase them all…pathetic, don’t you think? but no more of this…you’re mine and i wanna make love to you…

-Phillipe…you had no right…i can’t believe what you just told me. I trusted you with my life and you lied to me like this…let me go! I’m going home right now!

He looked at my without any intention of letting me go. Holding my hands so strong, i knew i had no chance and for a moment i wondered if he could be able…but this time i didn’t felt panic…just anger.

-You will let me go right now…or you’re not man enough to have a woman without forcing her? At least Peter had an excuse, he was drunk. Yes, Peter! Did you heard me? I just pronounced his name! Now what you’re gonna do? Force me into what? I feel pity for you…you don’t stand a chance in a fair fight with me…

He released my hands and started to laugh so hard…

-And guess what! I’m not yours! Never was and never will be someone’s toy…Now why the hell are you laughing?

-Alicia…princess…you’re so beautiful when you get angry! So rebel and disrespectful…What will i do with you? I really don’t stand a chance…

-What do you mean?

-You wanna feel loved but when i love you…you want your freedom! You wanna be happy but you’re not letting the past go! You told me to let you go…but you’re still here…half naked…the most beautiful woman i ever saw in my life. Those sparks in your eyes…so much anger…so much passion…Now, my beauty…you’re in control! I’ll give you ten seconds…if you’re still here after this time…i’ll take the liberty to explore that sexy body of yours and i swear i’ll make you bag for more…

-I’ll never bag…

His words were the complete shock to my ears…My own reaction were betraying me, because in all this time…i didn’t felt any fear or any pain. I felt anger…of him, or it was the old bitterness that i collected from my relationship with Peter? I didn’t wanted to go home…i wanted to stay and explore this new feeling…my ability to go beyond the “victim stage”. It was all about having control over my emotions…

-Too late…time expired! Now don’t start to struggle or i’ll think you like some kinky role-playing…

-Phillipe…there’s no role-playing here…i want you…i want this to be right…

His kisses and the way he touched my body…with the passion and desire i dreamed about…but still so gentle, like touching the open petals of a rose…That was all the reassuring i needed. And my own responses…all the anger turned into pleasure…

There’s something i learned from all those years of feeling helpless…When you feel like a victim, you’ll only attract two kind of partners: the aggressor and the savior. And it’s very easy to confuse them…

So…what’s beyond “the victim stage”? Freedom? Love? Both?…

The girl who’s running to the Seashore…

“Cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.”

Avignon, Les Palais des Papes

-Welcome to the most important gothic building from Europe…under the UNESCO Patrimony…this Palace is the most safe building, made to resist to all the types of dangers…

The guide’s voice sounded in my ears like a old well know story. Me and Phillipe…we were at Avignon. He said he’s searching for the perfect castle for his princess, it sounded so romantic…but i knew it better. It is all about taking me out of Monte Carlo in weekends, to prevent me from seeing Peter. And he’s right, the best thing i can do is to avoid him, now that my nightmares are more and more rare… I need time to heal…that’s what i told to Phillipe, that’s what i said to myself in an attempt to justify my fears…

-Alicia…hope you feel alright…you heaven’t said a word since we came in the Palace.

-I was just thinking about what the guide said…i really feel safe in here.

-Baby, you’re always safe with me. And we’re going to have a beautiful dinner at my friends home. I told you about them, they have a 3 years old boy.

-That’s lovely! Are we going to stay over night there?

-No…we have the nuptial suit at Le Grand Hotel D’Avignon. We need privacy…you’ll love the view and we’ll have a private garden too.

-Looks like you thought about everything…

-Yes, princess…is my job to read your mind and make sure you’re happy. And i know what you need right now…

He leaned on me and kissed me gently. Running his fingers trough my hair, he pulled me closer to him…feeling his body, my mind was running wild…

-Phillipe, stop it…they are looking at as…

-Never, my love…i’ll never stop loving you. I have this fantasy of making love to you in a medieval castle. What do you say…think that the old Popes will be very upset with me? I’m just trying to make an angel fall in love with me…

I couldn’t stop thinking how lucky i am….how different is this relationship from any other…

Avignon, Bryce and Helen’s home

-The dinner was delicious…thank you Helen! Let me help you with the dishes, please.

-you’re so kind, Ali…i hope you and Phillipe will come often to our home, we don’t have so many friends and Robert adores you.

-your little boy is so precious! Can’t believe he felt asleep in my arms…you know, i just started to dream about having my own…

-Ali…Phillipe seems so in love…and if you want to have a baby…he’s the right guy…serious, responsible and still so passionate…

-…you’re crying? Helen…is there something wrong…please tell me, i wanna listen and help…

-is just that…we were like you…i don’t know what happened. In time…he just stopped to look at me like this…and i know i’m fat…he told me this. But i’m a woman too…i’m sorry Ali to bring this all on you…i just met you today…but i needed someone to talk to…

-Helen…you are a beautiful woman and you love him…and i know how it feels. I know how heart breaking is…

I opened my arms to give her the warmest hug…Yes, i knew all about rejection, i knew how is it to fall asleep crying because he just can’t see you…It makes you feel unattractive, depressed, ugly, unlovable…and angry. I felt so much anger and pain in my relationship with Peter…i almost forgot who i am. I became insecure…i’m still paying the price for my lack of courage. The courage to break free…

Bryce and Helen’s home, in the garden

-Ali, did you saw Helen?

-i think she’s with Robert…i heard him crying…

-can i sit here next to you, Ali? I know Phillipe would break my legs to know i’m alone in the garden with you, but…

-can i ask you something? I saw Helen crying…

-yes…all that drama. I thought of divorcing her but i’m staying for the child…other wise…

-so you don’t love her anymore? She’s feeling so alone…and she’s a beautiful woman…

-Ali…she’s the mother of my child, of course i love her…i always will love her. But sleeping with her? She’s obese! I tried to help her lose some weight but she’s eating all the sweets…I’m a man…i just can’t…

-just try to make her feel beautiful and wanted…Bryce, she has no motivation for losing weight if you keep saying that you don’t want her. When you said about divorce…it really makes me cry thinking of that beautiful little boy…

-now let me ask you something, Ali…how come that someone so sweet and lovely like yourself is dating Phillipe?

-…

-you know, right? About him…really Ali, you’re just too carrying and innocent…

Phillipe showed up and, before i could say anything, Bryce and Helen were saying good bye to us.

in our way to Le Grand Hotel d’Avignon

-what did they give to you? Everywhere you go, people are giving you things, Alicia…

-jealous?…maybe a little? i said laughing. Alright, i’ll show you…

-a painting…sure, i forgot that Bryce is painting…what is written there?

-let me see…The girl who’s running to the Seashore…is the name of the painting. It’s a girl, i think is me…dressed in a white dress running in the middle of the storm. The waves are so dramatic…it look like she’s running directly in the sea…Phillipe…this paint is giving me a feeling of…just look at the sky…is black…

He stopped the car.

-Alicia, let’s trow away the painting. I don’t like this…he was my best friend but that does not give him the right…Just give me the painting!

-No, let me look. He wrote a message for me, let me read…

-Alicia, don’t…

-“The girl who’s running to the Seashore…trying to escape the storm inside her. She should save her soul before she’ll be completely drawn into the darkness…running scared in the arms of the pain… princess and rebel at the same time…she lost the crown of dreams. Will she be able to survive in a kingdom of hopeless fears…For Alicia with all our love, Bryce and Helen”

-Alicia…that’s crazy…i don’t know what was in his mind…baby, you got tears in your eyes…

-it’s about me…and you. They were saying…i’m really afraid now, Phillipe…

-look into my eyes, my love…see any threat? It’s only love…one day you’ll be the mother of my children…and i won’t hurt you, never…please don’t lose your faith in us just because some crazy people are jealous of what we have…

Looking at the painting was like looking inside of a mirror. Sometimes we all are lost in the kingdom of hopeless fears…i have one dream left untouched by the storm…the dream that his love…our love will show me the way back to the light…