Wash away the pain inside…

“You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.”

(Labirinth-“Beneath you’re beautiful”)

His voice seemed to come from another world…

-Ali…did you listened to me? I mean…i don’t need an answer right now…and i don’t wanna pressure you. I’m not even sure you understood me. Just say something, it’s driving me crazy seeing you so quiet and sad…

As much as i tried to speak, the words don’t seemed to find their way out. Deep inside my mind i still hoped it’s a dream…more a nightmare…but it will end in the morning and i’ll be glad that it was only in my mind. No…he was as real as it could be. Bryce…but it couldn’t be…Not in a million years…i never would guessed that one day he’ll be standing in front of me telling me…what? He’s in love…

-Look, Bryce, i just think you’re confused…you’re tired and depressed and it’s normal to feel this way, considering what you’re going trough with little Robby…in fact, you should be there, supporting Helen…

-I am not tired or depressed! And the only one i should be with is you! Ali…this is wrong! Look at me, can’t you feel it? The chemistry between us…we could be perfect together. My marriage is long gone…Robby will get better and you and me…we could be a family. You, me and little Robby…

I couldn’t believe my own ears…

-You’ll destroy Robby’s world! Do you realize what you’re proposing me? We’re not two irresponsible teenagers…Helen loves you and she deserves an honest try from you. And Robby needs both of his parents. Together…And me…I’m engaged to Phillipe. Remember him? The guy who used to be your best friend! The one who payed for Robby’s treatment…

-He only did this to impress you, Ali! To make you accept the engagement…it’s his style…he wants something and he get what he wants! Regardless of everybody’s feelings. He alienated you from your friends…from your family! He’s pressuring you into a marriage you’re not ready for! He’s taking away, step by step, your freedom to choose, to think, to feel…

It was too much to hear…i closed my eyes trying to stop my tears. This was a fantasy too…like the other fantasy: that Bryce and Helen are my friends! They never were…so how could it hurt so much to loose something you never had? He tried to hold me in his arms but i pushed him away. No, this is not happening!

-I’m learning to love him! Day by day…i’m learning…

He seemed to accept the idea…He gave me a piece of paper.

-I’m gonna leave now. Read this, i wrote it for you…and if you ever change your mind…

All alone, i opened the letter…

I saw you in the darkness…in your sleepless night

Too tired to fight the demons around you, to frightened to search for light

He promised you love and peace of mind…and now you’re lost in the storm

There’s no dreams, there’s no hope, there’s nothing warm…


With slow, robotic gestures i started to rip the paper into small pieces, till there was nothing left to read. The poem was much longer…

I heard the door opening and there was Phillipe, staring at the little pieces of paper around me.

-What’s this?

-Nothing…Phillipe, can you hold me tight, really tight? I need to know that you love me…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, like i wanted. I smiled trough my tears thinking that he’s here…he’ll never leave me…

-Wanna talk about?

-No…

He looked in my eyes and smiled at me.

-Good choice! He’s not worthy! And, baby, next time…use the fire! Burn all the garbage and clean your mind from all the bullshit you had to hear…

-You know?

-Alicia, you still don’t realize…everything about you is important to me. I may be difficult, but i love you like no other will…You are very important to me…Now, get ready for our trip. We’re leaving early in the morning and i don’t wanna hear that you’re tired.

-No other will…

-what?

-…love you like i do…

And i meant it…i looked with sadness at the pieces of paper around me, thinking about my life and how i wanna live from now on. Pieces of my broken heart…who really cares, who really knows? Just because a few letters can be put together, forming a word…that doesn’t mean you can really read it…

When Heaven cried

“Send them your heart
So they’ll know that someone cares
So their cries for help
Will not be in vain
We can’t let them suffer
No we cannot turn away
Right now they need a helping hand”

(Various artists-“We are the world”)

God, give me the power to accept what i cannot change…Please, God, make me wise enough to choose right from wrong, take away the anger and pain and fill my heart with Love and Hope…

Cause right now, my Lord, i can’t accept…and i cannot stop asking “Why?”…

-Alicia…baby, you’re crying…

-i’m sorry, Phillipe, i was watching on youtube…about the attack from Syria…

He took me in his arms and wiped away my tears.

-yes, i saw that…i know how sensitive you are about this kind of things…but there’s nothing you can do about…

-actually, i was praying…

-to who?

The question seemed so ironic…it made me lift my eyes to meet his look. He smiled at me and continued:

-to your God, right? And…what’s the result? Any answer so far? No wait, tell me first…what did you asked?

-wisdom and love…

He grabbed my chin so he could see deep in my eyes.

-baby…you don’t need to ask for that…you already have them. But if talking to an imaginary character helped you, that’s fine with me…anything for your beautiful smile…Tell me, wanna talk about this? The images you saw…

-Phillipe, what i saw…all those children…all the dying…what kind of people, what kind of human beings can hurt children this way? I heard their cries…that’s beyond cruelty. And i saw mothers and fathers crying…There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, that can justify these crimes.

-And what you feel right now? It’s more than sadness, right, Alicia? You feel anger…you want them to be punished…That’s why you asked for love and wisdom, because you cannot forgive and forget…

He was right, i couldn’t forgive and forget…I imagined that no one can…he continued to talk, fixing my eyes with his, like hypnotizing me.

-…and i’m pretty sure that you cannot turn the other cheek neither…or praying for those who did that to children…innocent children…

-no, i’m just too small, i feel too small…and i still need to “grow up”, spiritually meaning…so i could get near acceptance and love…but i ask for guidance in all my prayers…

He started to laugh.

-I’m sorry, baby, for laughing…but you’re so wrong…and deep inside your heart you know it. Accept the unacceptable and love the unlovable…Wanna know something about yourself? You can correct me if i’m wrong…

-go ahead, nothing can shock me anymore…

-You never followed rules, not even the simple ones. Always said you got your own set of rules…and never accepted someone else’s. In time, people tried to impose you things…they never succeeded…Am i right so far?

-yes…

-a rebel, no matter what, ever since you were a child! And you always felt special somehow and you’re still judging yourself really hard for that, like it were a bad thing…

-it is a bad thing…and i only wanna feel like a normal person, cause feeling special kinda isolates me…

-Let me continue, please…So, ever since you were a child, you took the initiative and the others followed you. You never accepted abuses and you always had an inner sense of justice. And sometimes, deep inside your heart, you feel that God Itself is not being fair…and, in your mind, you fight with Him, you questioned His choices. And that made you scared and confused, feeling guilty and sad…You’re still trying to deny those feelings, don’t you? And you still feel a strange presence around you, especially in your dreams…you try to tell yourself that it’s your Guardian Angel…

He talked like he could read my soul. It was too much…i turned my back on him, so that he couldn’t see the effect of his words. How he touched my soul…i felt so exposed and vulnerable…

-that means i’m right…

I turned to see his eyes, so deep, so dark…i touched gently his cheek and i started to play with his careless hair.

-Phillipe, can we drop this subject? You know you’re right…you seems to read my soul and my mind. And it really helped me to talk to you…but you scares me a little…

He ignored me and continued to speak:

-Alicia, if you knew…you’re not the only one who felt this way…those feelings, the inner fight and the deep sense of justice…You know who else questioned God?

-please…i’m tired…let’s go to bed, this discussion is too much for me…now you’re gonna tell me about fallen angels…

He smiled at me.

-Why would i tell you something that you already know? Come to bed, we’ll talk about this another time…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, so gentle and carrying…

-By the way…you didn’t said…He ever answers to your prayers?

-always…He just did that…My Lord, please forgive what seems to be beyond human forgiveness and heal our wounds produced by hate…thank you for being my guide trough the darkness…Holly Father, i’m still lost, i’m still searching…please, be my eyes when i can’t see… 

When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

When there’s nothing left to say…(Part I)

“For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime.”

(Nightwish-“Sleeping Sun”)

-Wake up…Alicia, princess, wake up…is late…

-nooo…let me sleep…i only slept for an hour…let the curtains down…it’s too much light…

-i have a surprise for you…but if you don’t want it…

-a surprise? for me? really? give me the surprise!

He smiled at me caressing my hair and lifting me up from the bed. Against all my protests he cared me to the window to show me the bright light of the sun.

-Now can i have it? My surprise…Phillipe…

-just like a big child! The surprise is that someone wanna see you…remember the nice lady who used to work for Peter, as cook…Maria…

I didn’t needed another word…i jumped from his arms and run to the living room. There she was! All this time i missed her so much, but i was afraid to contact her…after all, i knew she’s working for Peter…

-Maria! I’m so happy to see you! Come here to give me a big hug, i missed you so much…you came to see me…tell me, how are you? And your children? Come, sit with me…

She seemed so sad…all my cheerful mood started to dissolve itself…

-What’s wrong? Tell me…please, is it something with the children…or…

-It’s just that…Peter fired me…after being in his services for more than 20 years…Alicia, you know me, you know i’m discreet…but the way he’s treating that girl, i have a daughter that age…

-and he fired you, just like that! He’s an…

-I know i should asked you, but Sir told me it’s alright…He said that if you agree…i may work for him. Please, Alicia…

-Who’s Sir?

Phillipe started to laugh. Maria was blushing and i looked at both of them trying to guess…

-Sir Phillipe…i’m sorry…he told me to call him this way. And he deserve all the respect…i’ll never be able to thank him for this opportunity…and for paying the tuition for my children…

-No more of this, Maria. I was happy to help you, considering how much you helped Alicia during all those years with Peter. So, Alicia, what do you think? Is it alright to hire Maria?

I jumped in his arms.

-Thank you! Thank you so much, Phillipe! Of course it’s alright…

I turned to Maria.

-But first i gotta say a few things to Peter…how dare he treat you like this? You were like family to us…ok…i’m gonna take a shower, then i want a coffee and i’m going to Peter’s home…

-My love…heaven’t you forgot something?

I looked at Phillipe, trying to guess what he means by that. Then i remembered…i felt like blushing…

-I know you told me to…but it’s still hard for me. You see, Phillipe, i never asked permission for anything and it’s weird…Anyway…i’ll do it if you want me to…Is it alright to…go to Peter’s home?

-No, you’re not allowed to do that!

I never felt so humiliated  in my entire life. Especially in front of Maria…He continued very calm…

-At least not alone! I’m coming with you. Princess…you know what happened last time you was alone with him…i hope you understand that asking my permission is just for your own safety…

I nodded…still feeling weird…

Two hours later, at Peter’s house

The man who came to meet me was no more than a stranger to me…Peter, my first love…looking older, looking sick and hurt…with a wild look in his eyes and stumbling from all the alcohol he drank all night. The smell was horrible…

-A…aly…sweety, you came back like i knew you will…

He tried to touch me but i managed to put distance between us…only the thought of being touched made me tremble. Phillipe noticed how bad i feel and he took the initiative.

-Do not touch Alicia! We’re here to make sure you won’t cause problems to Maria! She’s working for me now…

-Of course, Maria…another one who betrayed me…What do…do you want more, Phillipe? You stole Maria after stealing my love…my Aly…maybe you want the house too…here’s the key…take it…is yours…

I turned away to leave when i remembered something:

-Peter, where’s Estelle?

-Who? Ohhh…the girl…my own pet…we had a little too much fun last night…i think she’s sleeping upstairs. And…no…Phillipe cannot have it! Nooooo, she’s all mine…

Phillipe took my hand leading me to the door…he wanted, just like me, to get out of that place…But how could i leave like this…

-I have a bad feeling, Phillipe…she cannot possibly sleep, is the middle of the day…let’s go upstairs…

-No, honey…you stay right here…i’m going upstairs…

The minutes seemed hours. I stood with no move, trying to ignore Peter’s babbling…about how much he loves me and how much he regrets…and how “the girl” is nothing like me…

And the image i had in front of my eyes when Phillipe came back…carrying Estelle…

-Alicia…open the door…we’re going to the hospital! Quickly!

-Whe…where…what you two think you’re doing with my girl…she’s drunk…some woman cannot deal with drinking…Aly…don’t take her from me…Aly…don’t go…stay with me…i’ll make you happy…

Leaving him there, drunk and (probably) drugged…was like leaving my past behind. I looked at Phillipe…so calm and so strong during all this…doing the right thing…

How could i not ask myself…was i blind all this time? Am i denying myself the chance to a life in happiness and peace of mind? A chance to have the family i always wanted…

(to be continued)

Just an empty place

“Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way HOME
Back to the open arms
Of a LOVE that’s waiting there…”

(Withney Houston-“Where do broken hearts go”)

Two weeks ago

-Ready to face the world, Ali? If it were up to me we would never go back…but i have to deal with the consequences too…

-What do you mean? You heaven’t done nothing bad…

-Ali, you’re the sweetest girl ever…but i did a few things…i’m not proud of myself! I completely lost my self-control…and maybe some day you’ll blame me…

-no…never! What we did…we did it together…i was lonely and sad…and i flirted with you the whole time…i’m assuming my role in the game…remember, partners in crime?

-Ali, the crime was already committed…

-now, stop it, Henry…you copy my words…

-so, what will you do when you’ll arrive at Monte Carlo?

-the only thing i can do: stay away from Phillipe, my father, their company…and search for my love, my true love…maybe i’ll never find him, but at least i gotta try! So, take me back in the jungle, i have a few snakes to lock away in cages…

today

-…the ring just looks amazing on your finger…did i told you today how happy you made me? My fiancee…

-interesting choice of the stone…a black diamond…

-you deserve every diamond in the world, princess…i know it’s not traditional but…our relationship isn’t traditional neither…my love…

-no…not traditional at all…remember how you proposed me? I was at the hospital with little Roby, scared to death…and you told me about that expensive treatment in Tokyo…and you were offering to pay it…you said, in front of his parents, that you don’t need anything in return…anything except…

-except for you to accept my marriage proposal…

-correct, Phillipe! So, Helen started to cry, almost kneeling in front of me…it was horrible…and i found myself in the worst situation any person could be…

-princess…i have every right to fight for your love…tell me, is it so wrong? You saved little Roby’s life…Helen is happy, we are happy…your father is happy…i gave him back the company…like you wanted…

-I’m not happy! I didn’t saved Roby’s life, God did this! Your money helped a lot…but it was God’s choice…

He started to laugh, holding my hands and kissing my fingers.

-…then, Alicia, my love…just pretend you’re accepting God’s will…like a good saint that you are! Hope you’re not gonna bring this “saint-attitude” to our bedroom, princess…What, you’re blushing? Now…come here…that’s the sweetest thing i ever saw…

-…

-i was so proud of you today…you’re the leader i always wanted you to be. If your father could see you…by the way, how does he feels? Do you think he’s strong enough to be told the good news?

-he’s recovering…but, please, give him more time…he just had a heart attack…any stress could kill him…we’ll just tell him at the right moment…

-Alicia…when? we’re getting married in a few weeks…

I started to feel like suffocating…like every time he mention the word “marriage”. Only this time it got worst…

-baby…drink some water…breath calmly…it’s alright…you almost had a panic attack…every time i try to talk to you about our wedding…and it’s going to happened…

-why? why the rush? why the pressure? What do you want from me…i already accepted it…

-…nothing, my love…only your heart. Is it too much to ask? After all i did for you…tell me princess? How much pain and suffering do you need to see around you…so you could realize that in this world it’s not just you? There’s other people, Alicia…you’re only thinking about yourself…so selfish…but you’re young, we have time to change it…

He started to caress my hair…kissing my neck…pressing me against his body…

-…actually, Alicia…i lied…it’s not just your heart that i want…come to bedroom and i’ll show you what i mean…now, don’t act so scared, there’s nothing wrong in making love to your future husband…

Making love to my future husband…his words were burning my heart…but do i still have a heart? Sometimes everything he said seems to make sense…maybe i love him but i’m just afraid…after all, marriage was always such a delicate issue to me…

But what if i don’t?

In the light of the morning sun

“Steal my heart with every note you play
I pray you’ll look my way
And hold me to your heart someday
I long to be the one that you caress with
tenderness
And you don’t know
You don’t even know that I exist.”

(Toni Braxton-“Spanish guitar”)

The cold air on my skin was giving me shivers…a strange light…is it already morning? How could it be…it seemed like i only slept for a few minutes…my eyes were still closed and i could feel the traces of the tears that i cried…falling asleep crying was lately my only way…I held my breath for a moment realizing i’m not alone in the room. Someone was there, caressing my hair…for a moment i thought i’m dreaming…his strong and gentle arms holding me tight. He must sensed i’m cold…because now his hands were gently rubbing my bare shoulders, going down…

My breath accelerated while i could feel my heart beating so fast…memories came back…last night…i just wanted to erase them…For a moment i imagined myself lying there, on the big white bed, asleep, wearing that silky nightgown…i knew i’m almost naked and i could feel in his touches how much he loved seeing me like this. His body was warm and feeling him so close made me tremble inside. He kissed my closed eyes and the traces of my tears…i could feel his warm breath on my neck and i could almost sense him smiling when the goosebumps appeared on my skin.

Maybe i’m just dreaming, maybe he’s not even real…sleepy thoughts…should i open my eyes and regain my control…or should i lye there and feel…just feel…in my mind were playing different scripts…but how could i fight this pleasure…how could i struggle with my desire…because my body in his hands, under his kisses was like an violin played by an expert. And he knew…playing with his fingers, kissing, caressing…every sensitive spot of my skin…and the smell of his body…the sweet pressure…he was moving so gently, so careful not to wake me up…

Like a fantasy come true…later in the morning i’ll just pretend nothing happened…just a dream…but my body will know…My eyes were still closed…fighting the temptation of opening them…what’s the point of facing reality…he’s having the control…just like he wanted…and it was so easy to let him…just to let him…It felt like there isn’t really a choice…i didn’t really had a choice…and it felt easier just to accept his desire…

But the sensation was so real…how can i pretend anymore…it were waves of warm pleasure invading my senses…and any attempt of fighting was useless…is just too late…we’re making love…no, he’s making love and i’m just pretending i’m not there…but i feel him with all my body and soul…it’s just too much to keep inside and my tears were falling down my cheeks…He saw them…he sensed my inner struggle…cause i could feel him kissing me, touching my face with an infinite tenderness…saying it’s alright…

The silky fabric of my nightgown felt so cold on my warm skin…i could still feel my body trembling…longing to feel him again…he’s holding me so close…like he’s afraid i’ll vanish…I slowly open my eyes…the light of the morning sun is too bright and i want the darkness of the sleep back…i want my dream back…i’m just hurting inside, deep inside my heart…He’s asking me how i feel and i can’t talk…he understands. He tells me how magic it feels to hold me in the morning light…i just can’t stop crying…

His words are reassuring and his voice is so warm…telling me he never meant to hurt me…i believe him and i see the blue of the sky in his eyes. He’s kissing my hair and he’s trying to tell me something. But he just stops…i know what he feels…i can feel he’s going trough some struggles too…but what’s the point? I’m trying to tell him that i’m fine, but he knows i’m lying and he doesn’t let me speak…kissing me with a desperate passion…

Because we both know it’s over…

And we both know that no dream can come true in the light of the morning sun…

What’s beyond control? (just another power game)

“My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free.”

(Rod Steward-“I wish you love”)

The soft music and darkness of the beach…the full moon shining above us as he gently touched my shoulders keeping them warm…the cold wind and the waves…an angry sea with the power of ravishing my lonely heart…

He looked deep in my eyes and none of us knew what to say. This time, i wasn’t afraid of the silence…this time i didn’t tried to fulfill the empty space…But the need to feel his arms around me was overwhelming and he knew that. He also knew that i just need somebody…anybody…to give me a sense of normality trough the madness i’m living in…

-I wanna tell you about my dream…the dream i’m living right now with you…Alicia…in my dream i wanna lay with you on the warm sand…i wanna feel your soft skin and your silky hair…there’s no one here, just us…between the sky and the sea…no one will know how much passion…how much desire…my body is longing to have you in my arms…to touch you and to make love to you…

-Henri…if i could…

-don’t tell me you don’t want it…i know, i saw it in your eyes…i felt it in your touch…i know you’re afraid…you’re just frightened to feel…but there’s nothing here that could hurt you…tell me, does it feel good? my fingers trough your hair…my arms holding you so tight that you cannot run away…i can feel your heart beating so fast…you’re trying so hard not to feel…but your body knows better…

-just don’t do that…Henri…i know myself…this is how the disasters starts…everything is perfect at start and i’m always convincing myself that i’m in love…and later i only cause pain and suffering…but this time, with you…i just wanna be honest…

-Ali…you don’t even know what you feel…you’re confuse, you’re tired…let go all the tension…close your eyes and allow yourself to feel…give in to this desire…it’s normal and natural…don’t fight against your inner desires…we’re still friends…i’ll still be here in the morning…we’ll say it was a dream…you cannot really control what happened in a dream…

He was holding me tight, close to his body…i knew deep inside my heart that i have to stop this…it happened too many times before. Same script…different actors. I keep making the same mistakes…confusing passion with love and loneliness with desire. Running from an abusive relationship only to jump in the next one’s arms…Only that this time i cannot pretend anymore…i cannot say like i always did: “i’m trying to fall in love…” or “i don’t know what i feel and i’m trying to find out”…This time i know exactly how i feel. I know how it feels to be in love. It’s crazy…I am in love…maybe is the wrong person, the wrong moment, the wrong time…but i feel it with all my heart. I cannot lie anymore, not to myself, not to the others. And yes…it’s a tragedy…and it’s heartbreaking… and i just wish i could erase it from my mind…

He lied me on the sand…i felt the panic of letting things go too far…

-please…don’t…i wanna go back to the hotel…

I saw it in his eyes, i saw the burning desire, the hunger…it almost frightened me…And right in that moment i realized how incredibly naive i was. Thinking i can have him as a friend, thinking he would help me without asking anything in return. The thought brought tears in my eyes. He looked at my face like it were the first time he saw me.

-…so vulnerable…so lonely and scared…Ali…you’re just so sweet…trying to fight the inevitable. When all you should do is to enjoy our passion…because i can make you feel so good…but i love this game of yours…saying no when you really mean yes…it’s alright…you only makes me want you more…feeling this tension in your body…tell me something…what will you do if i don’t stop? if i’m starting to make love to you…ignoring anything your rational mind is telling me…

-Henri…

-tell me…will you try to fight me…will you scream…will you cry, pleading with me to let you go? Or will you relax and play along…enjoying every moment even if you’re convinced that i was forcing you into this…

-no…i wont…

-what? tell me…i wanna hear the words…you wont do…what?

-i wont fight…or scream…or plead with you to let me go…i wont even cry…

-good…see? it wasn’t that hard…

-I will die. I mean it, Henri…I will just die. It’s all i want…

My words shocked him. He looked at me like he just realized what he was about to do. He stood up and helped me stand on my feet. I felt so tired…

-Ali, this isn’t funny anymore. I’m…i’m sorry. Extremely sorry…i really meant it like a game…you know i wasn’t doing anything to you, right? I would stop it…i just thought you’re playing…you know, like saying no when you really mean…But you know i would never abuse you like this. Say something…God…i feel like the worst criminal now…

-i wanna go back…

-Sure, we’ll go to the hotel right now!

-no…i mean, i wanna go back to Monte Carlo…

-it’s because of what i did…Ali…just stay a few more days…let me try to make things right…

-Nothing…nothing it’s ever gonna be right again…and you know the saddest part here? I just lost you..i just lost my only friend…

Returning to my life…with no place left to hide away or to run…And, after all…who i’m running from? We all are carrying our scars deep inside our hearts. No matter where we go…or what’s the language we speak when we shout out loud our pain…

Learning to smile

“If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night’s fears.
The star in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you, they’re a mirror.”

(Rod Steward-“I don’t wanna talk about it”)

Olympic Beach, Greece

-Here…take this one! Is bigger! Why throwing only the little white rocks in the water, when you could throw this ugly big black rock? Now, Ali, repeat after me: with this big ugly rock…

-with this big ugly rock…

-I’m throwing away…

-i’m throwing away…

-All the pain and sorrow and anger…

-all the…I can’t! I wish i could, Henri…but the pain and the sorrow are still there. I think i’ll never smile…

-You will! Not only smile, but laugh and love and feel…Ali, you made this?

-What?

-All this big water lying under the cliffs?

-Don’t be silly…it’s the sea…

-No, you don’t fool me! Taste it! It’s salty, like your tears…you cried so much that you created the sea? Please…don’t drown us, you creator of the seas!

I started to laugh again even if my tears were still running down my face. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders keeping me warm and safe. I looked into his eyes…

-Your eyes are blue…like the sea…

-and my shirt is all wet from your salty tears! And you don’t even know how to remove the white stains produced by salt! Cause you never eat salt…you’re made of sugar, my sweet girl…

-Henri…do you ever talk seriously?

-i spoke to your father…

-oh, i understand…he convinced you that i’m a spoiled rich girl, an irresponsible and a liar…and that he and Phi…

-Stop! Stop talking or i throw you in the water! Look at me, Ali…now i’m serious. I didn’t recognize your father, he’s not himself anymore. He wanted me to convince you to accept…I told him my opinion and i guess i was a little harsh to him. I told him that you’re not for sell and that he just lost my respect for him. It’s true, Ali…he wants you to accept a relationship with Phillipe, regardless of your feelings. He was even capable of threatening me if i don’t “bring” you back the next day. Like you’re an object, a doll…God, i’m still furious…

-are you going to leave me? Because of my father, and Phillipe…and all my problems. Don’t…don’t leave me, please don’t…i’m so incredibly alone…

-Ali, did you heard what i said to you? Did you listened to me? I just said that i lost my respect for your father. I never said one word about leaving you! Sometimes, Ali, i feel like i’m talking to a big child! A big crying baby…look, i brought you here, no one knows where you are…no one will find you. We’re returning to Monte Carlo only when you’re ready to face the disaster. I’m with you in this! What else do you want me to tell you? Fight your insecurities or they are going to consume you. And never argue with me, cause i can talk more and faster than you!

-Henri, i’m so grateful to you…

-Show me how grateful you really are…let’s go back to the resort…

-what do you mean? i hope you’re not suggesting…

-Again…you’re talking over me…you’ll never learn, do you? Now listen to me! I wanna see you wearing that sexy red dress…we’re going to a club to dance till morning! Understood?

-Let me tell you a secret…Henri…come closer…this game of yours, playing dominant with me…my dear…it’s not working. Cause, you know what? I know how to play it too…only that i choose not to…You see…you cannot pretend to be a lion if deep inside your heart all you want…all you desire…all you need…

-yes…don’t stop…

-…is to stay at my feet…hoping i’ll give you the chance to kiss my little finger…

He started to laugh.

-Girl, you’re dreaming!

-Now, catch me if you can! See who gets first in the room. I bet i’m faster! You can’t catch me…wolf-man!

-You’re playing with fire, little girl!

Yes, i know…

If only for tonight…

“Tengo marcado en el pecho todos los dias y el tiempo no me dejo estar aqui
Tengo una fe que madura que va conmigo y me cura desde que te conoci”

(Gloria Estefan-“Hoy”)

Predejane, Serbia

-This place is beautiful! Look, Henri, we’re surrounded by mountains! It’s so peaceful and i can see the stars…so bright in this darkness…Henri, what are you doing?

-I’m thinking…witch side of the bed should i choose? Difficult…and i asked for two beds…i guess they thought we’re such a nice couple…

-How convenient…but i always sleep on the right side! And be careful, i have nightmares and i’m talking in my sleep…so, stay away…Anyway, why did we stopped by in this place? I thought we’re gonna cross the border…

-We stopped because you, my dear, said “my whole body is in pain, i never wanna ride a motorcycle again!”. Remember? And then you said you’re hungry and thirsty and you need a shower. And  then you took out your helmet because your hair was “a disaster”. And then you…

-So untrue…i bet you planned this from the beginning! A nice motel in the mountains…a nice french bed, you and me, a romantic dinner on the terrace…with home made bread and a great home made cheese. What’s the name? kaimac…yes. By the way, i wanna eat kaimac in the morning…and i want the fresh baked bread too…

-No! Tomorrow you’re gonna eat meat, like it or not! They have pleskavita, it’s great, much tasty then any cheesburger you have ever eaten…

-I wont eat meat! You cannot make me eat meat! That’s it!

I started to laugh like i didn’t laugh for months…with Henri everything was so simple, like he was my best friend. Actually…that moment, he really was my best friend…my only friend. But do i really know anything about friendship? Or love? How could i know…when the people i trusted the most betrayed me…

-Hey! You…Earth to Alicia! The runaway girl! Yes, you! What’s with that sad face?

-Nothing…

-Look, Alicia…don’t say it’s nothing. You’re so desperate to run and hide…i cannot even begin to imagine what’s in your heart…It’s ok to cry if you feel like…what your father and Phillipe did is unbelievable…deep inside my mind i still hope you misunderstood. Tomorrow i’ll talk to your father…

-But you wont tell him where i am! Promise me! Cause if you plan to do that, i’ll go away right now. I’ll cross the mountains by myself…

-…with bare foots and a bag full of kaimac! Please take some bread with you, will you? And some meat to give it to the wolfs! So they wont eat you. You know…they are not bad…you’re just so sweet…irresistible…

-Now you’re making fun! And you’re being mean! You…wolf-man!

-What did you just said? I’m a wolf-man? Ok, there’s just one thing left to do with you, little girl! Come here, lay on the bed…give me those runaway foots of yours…i’ll give you the best foot massage in the world! By the way…you’ll need it if you wanna cross the mountains by yourself!

-Henri…

He looked at me with the most warm look i ever saw…

-yes…tell me, you like it?

-you have magic hands…I just wanted to thank you for being my friend. I’m sorry for being so difficult…

-You’re not difficult, Alicia. Can i call you Ali, like all your friends? Ok, Ali…you’re just human. What happened to you lately…all the things you told me about your relationship with Phillipe…any person would go insane…You’re one of the strongest people i ever met, but it was enough. Pain, abuses…and a father who rather sell his only child then giving away his business. No wonder you’re so scared…And i know you heard this before and it was only a lie…but this time it’s true…you’re safe with me.

-I feel safe…and completely relaxed. Henri…if i close my eyes…you wont disappear? And you wont turn into something bad…

-Now you’re talking in your sleep and you’re having nightmares! Stop talking like this or i’ll tickle you to death…good…i made you smile. Close your eyes and try to get some sleep, we have a long trip in the morning…

-you think they are searching for me? Phillipe…my father…

-i think they called the local Police, the french one, Interpol, FBI…and Secret Services! They must be crazy not to…Any man who lost you would search for you. I know i would…till the end of the world…Ali, you’re sleeping?

-almost…and you’re buying me kaimac? with…home-made bread…in the morning? cause now i’m so tired…

I thought i heard him saying something but i felt lost in a dream. The night was dark and cold…in the mountains of a country i never knew before…without any friend except for this man who, till yesterday, hated me…

…but still surrounded by Light and Love, like never before.

No more masquerade

“Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you’re one lonely star.”

(Madonna-“Take a bow”)

Belgrade, Serbia 

Henri was standing in front of me with a sad smile.

-I just wanna say thank you, Alicia. For defending me like that…the things you said about me…

-It’s all true, Henri. You’re the brain behind our success, the real value inside this company. Not to mention you’re modest enough to promote our products and not yourself. My father is lucky to have you! And, believe me, i’ll never allowed anybody to offend you like they did. I don’t care about their reasons…the fact that you’re american does not give them the right to…

-…i’m half american, my mother is french…

-that’s my point exactly! It doesn’t matter! You could be half alien, they still don’t have the right to talk to you like this! God! I felt like i’m gonna explode when they said those horrible things! I’m even sorry we sign the contract with them!

-Don’t be! You probably saved the company…even if you were about to start the third world war! But…how did he said? Right…”You’re not only beautiful and intelligent…you have a strong personality as well. And we are proud to have such a strong minded business partner.”

Henri started to laugh. I was thinking this is the first time i see him so relaxed. We knew each other for so long, but all this time he never spoke one single kind word to me. Like he could read my mind, he continued:

-I’m really sorry for all the mean things i said to you all this time. You’re not like i though…you’re…

-Henri, please sit down. I have to tell you something and you’re not gonna like it…

-I can imagine…and i probably deserve it…

-It’s not about you…or me. It’s about the company you’re working for. My father did some risky investments and he found himself in the situation to sell. That happened a few months ago, before i even knew Phillipe. Yes, he’s the new owner. He owned the company when i started to date him…i didn’t knew about any of this. I returned to the company thinking i’ll be working in my family business and when i found out…i was devastated. Not for losing the company…for being manipulated like this…

-What do you mean? Manipulated?

-Yes, Phillipe said he’ll return the business to my father if i’ll accept being in a relationship with him…a serious relationship.

-Oh, my God! Alicia…that’s prostitution! Modern prostitution! I bet your father is furious…knowing how protective he is with you…

-Then you’ll be shocked…Yes, he was furious at first. But tonight…you know what he told me when i called him to tell him about our success?

-What?

-He said: “Ali, just think about this. Phillipe seem to really care about you…don’t let your pride ruin something that could be great for both of you…after all, you and Phillipe had a relationship before you found out about all this. And if the company returns to family…that’s even better!”

-No! I can’t believe this! Your father is brainwashed? That’s beyond manipulation…

-I told him that, in this moment, my pride is all i have. And i’ll keep my dignity no matter what! Even with the price of loosing the only family i still have. So…i saved the company…his precious company…And that’s all! I’m leaving, Henri…that’s my resignation letter, please give it to Phillipe…

-Wait! Alicia…where are you going? It’s late in the evening…you don’t even have your car. It’s crazy…

-I got my passport and i have money…i’ll take the bus. Honestly…i don’t know where i’m going, i just don’t have the straight to go back. I have nothing left there…no one…

I wanted to sound strong, but i felt overwhelmed by sadness.

-Don’t go…Alicia, if all you said it’s true…i don’t wanna work for that guy. I never liked Phillipe…i never understood this strange friendship between your father and him. And now…what you told me…it’s disgusting…But i need time to think about all this. It’s all so sudden…i need to speak to your father before doing anything.

-Take your time, Henri, you got every right. And don’t forget that they depend on you, not the other way around! I have to go, i really wanna be gone when Phillipe returns.

-Have you ever ridden a motorcycle?

-What?…no, never…

-All right…you’ll have your chance tonight! We’re leaving together…you’re lucky i’m crazy enough to help you escape from this madness. But i still wanna talk to your father. Deal?

-You mean…

-That’s right. We’re leaving in ten minutes, after i speak to a friend of mine to make a reservation…Alicia, i hope you told me the truth, cause i’m risking everything here…ok…ready?

-Where are we going?

-Away from this place…don’t worry, we’re not crossing any ocean…ok, my partner in crime…

-Me? Partner in crime? No, Henri…the crime was already committed…they killed my trust and my faith…

(to be continued)