When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s