Forever

“I’ll be there for better or worse
till death do us part
I’ll love you with every beat of my heart.”

(All 4 One-“I swear”)

I know it’s not easy…but, dear God, this couldn’t be too hard for you…I’m asking for a chance…to come back to where it all started…because this road i took it’s much too hard to follow…and i wanna go back in time and change it all…Lord, there’s so many things i wanted to say to You, i feel my soul so heavy…

Sometimes i feel like i’m lost in the darkest night, leaving behind the Light…Leaving You behind…my faith and my beliefs…i miss having faith…i miss feeling hope, i miss praying with all my heart…

I still remember those warm nights…being a child and watching the stars. And my mother saying i’m the most bright star in her life. And now…she belongs with the stars…God, please tell me she’s there, next to all the angels and saints, because Heaven is the only place where i could imagine her to be…

I miss her every morning…every evening and…my Lord…in the darkness she’s the only light i see sometimes. God…don’t let me lose myself in this night…guide me back into the Light, show me the right path…And if this is Your choice…if my life is the way You decided to be, please Father, give me peace of mind…

-Hey…what’s going on here? These are not tears of joy…

Phillipe took me in his arms, holding me tight and it felt good. I wiped away my tears, smiling at him.

-I can’t believe we’re actually doing it! I know it supposed to be secret…but i feel like i wanna shout out loud: i’m getting married!

He started to laugh, and i saw the relief in his eyes.

-For a moment i thought you changed your mind. And baby…the feeling was unbearable. But i still need you to tell me why were you so sad before. And be honest…

-I think i’m just overwhelmed by emotions. I imagined this since i was a child and now…and i have no one to share with…you know, i miss her now, more than ever…

-Your mother?

-Yes…i’m so afraid, Phillipe…

He took my face in his hands, looking deep in my eyes with the most gentle look i ever saw.

-Baby, believe me, if i could…i would do anything to make you happy…but some things are beyond our decisions. We don’t really have the free will…But there’s no need to be afraid…i’m here and i’ll never leave you…

-What if i’ll be the worst wife ever…what if i’m not made for this type of life…and maybe in time you’ll regret it…

He stopped me from talking kissing me with a tenderness and passion i always dreamed.

-Now it’s better? You are the sweetest girl i ever met…but sometimes, baby, you’re so silly…Alicia, i love you. You will be my wife and the mother of my children…and the most important person in my life. Forever…

-Phillipe, i want you to know something. Regardless of how foolish i behaved lately…or how irresponsible i was…from the moment i’ll became your wife, i’ll be completely committed to you…I will love you and respect you and i’ll try really hard to follow your rules…

-I know you will. So…no more tears. There are things in life you cannot change…people call it destiny or “the choice of God”. From now on i wanna be the creator of your destiny…me, someone who loves you and knows what’s best for you. And you’ll be happy and fulfilled! The only thing i’m asking from you is to let me guide you…

-yes, i will…

He had a brightness in his eyes, and his smile told me how much it means to him…

dear God, give me faith…so i could be safe…

Advertisements

Don’t say the words…

“Tell me…tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you’re so sure
Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that’s vulnerable”

(Secondhand Serenade-“Vulnerable”)

-You’re not going anywhere! You’re gonna stay right here and explain to me! Yes…right now! Where were you last night?

Phillipe was starring at me without any intention of dropping the subject. I was still euphoric after my night with Peter…my “good bye night”. Strangely, i felt only joy, not a single trace of guilt…in fact, i felt more free like never before. I needed that night to have my closure to a love that never seemed to end, to a relationship that never seemed to work.

And here i was, in the middle of a messy situation, the kind of things that i’m specialized to create. Still with my heart so easy and full of joy. Phillipe, on the other hand, didn’t seemed to enjoy it too much. He was fixing me with a dark look, dangerously close to my body. The thought that he might know…I felt so relief that i had the chance to shower at Peter’s home…

-You know how afraid i am to sleep alone…

I looked in his eyes with the most innocent look, trying to melt his anger.

-This doesn’t answer my question. I was calling you the whole night and your cell was closed. Do you realize how angry i am right now? How many times do i have to tell you…

-Well, i never agreed to your rules! I think they are ridicule and embarrassing and i’ll never follow them!

His eyes were like fire, a cold fire burning inside him. I tried to turn my back at him but he grabbed my hands holding them tight and presing me against the wall.

-I told you…you’re not going anywhere! How are my rules? Tell me once again!

-Yes, gladly! Let me think: don’t leave the house without asking permission…ridicule! And…always answer to the phone…impossible! And…yes, my favorite…don’t mix with the servants…like you are above them! The most annoying one…don’t work in the house…like i’m some porcelain doll made only for your pleasure…Sir…!

-Alicia, if you don’t stop it right now…

-What? Oh…i’m so afraid…the scary creature is gonna eat me alive…save me, prince of darkness…

I started to laugh…feeling a strange mixture of anger and fear. My heart was beating so fast and my breath started to fastened. I looked into his eyes, biting my bottom lip in anxiety. He grabbed my chin with one hand, still holding my body captive against the wall…I closed my eyes and he kissed me. And i felt it was more than a kiss…all the anger turned into passion. His gestures showed no gentleness or tenderness but i could feel how he’s trying to control something inside him. At the end, i felt breathless and speechless…and i couldn’t hold my thoughts.

He spoke first.

-I don’t recognize myself around you. Sometimes, baby, you push my limits to the edge. Look at me…Alicia, don’t cry…

-I’m so…sorry…

-Baby…no, it’s alright! Maybe i need to rethink the way i’m living. You came into my life like a little storm, ravishing all around you…

-Do you still love me? I have to tell you something…

He softly touched my cheek, going slowly down on my neck.

-Phillipe, don’t…is about last night.

-Yes…you were afraid to sleep alone, so you got out the house and walked on streets alone the whole night…

I kept the silence. His tone became frustrated…

-Right, princess? Is this what happened, alright? And, now…i’m gonna say one thing and listen to me carefully…if you’ll ever do this again…you are gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Understood?

-yes…whatever…

-Don’t talk back to me, cause you’re in trouble…I hate cheaters and liars…Alicia, don’t push my limits this way…ever again.

-I understand, Phillipe…

He smiled at me like smiling to a child who just answered right…

But i didn’t felt like a child…i felt like an adult who’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I knew it from the start…there’s no trace of maturity in cheating and lying. And i’m just wondering…forgiving myself so easily…isn’t it just a better way to cover my true emotions? Being vulnerable is the easiest thing to me…like my true nature. But what’s beyond this? Who’s the real woman behind the foolish mistakes…

Unbreakable

“You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain .”

(Bon Jovi-“Blaze of glory”)

The darkness and the coldness of the night broke my eyes…i was cold and i was afraid. But i had to get out of the house! Too many shadows, too many doubts and a loneliness almost unbearable. I took the long road, not knowing where my steps will lead me. I didn’t even knew where i’m going. Pretending is just a night walk…pretending that my tears are caused by the cold wind.

The road became so familiar and, before i could rationalize, i was at his door. His house, our house…eight years of picturing in my mind how i’m gonna grow old there, surrounded by children and grandchildren…My fingers touched the doorbell…Nothing…maybe he’s not even there. And it’s better this way. Why should i share my memories with him…

-Alicia…Ali…what are you doing here? Where’s Phillipe? He’s with you?

Suddenly i realized the truth…i belong to another life now.

-Hi, Peter…i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here…i started to walk and i found myself at your door. You know…my insomnia…i’m leaving now, sorry for bothering you.

He took me by my shoulders and leaded me inside. His warm hands in contact with my cold naked shoulders…i feel a shiver trough my body.

-God, Ali, you’re frozen! What was in your mind…in this silky dress with bare shoulders…you’re gonna catch a cold…i’ll get you a blanket…

-No…don’t go…can you hold me for a little while? And then i’ll go…

Without a single word, he took me in his arms, holding me tight and caressing my skin so gentle…making me melt inside. I rested my head on his chest sensing his perfume…re-living a long lost feeling. And letting my tears falling…

-Hey…Ali…what’s wrong? Something happened…he did something to you?

-no…

-Where is Phillipe? And why are you so sad, wondering around in the middle of the night? You’re getting me so worried…

I tried to catch my breath so i could say something, but my voice was like a whisper.

-He’s at a meeting…gonna stay there the whole night…and i…

I looked in his eyes, just to see if he heard me…meeting his eyes…he wanted to say something but he changed his mind…he took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears…leaned to me and in a magic moment his lips were pressing against my lips…soft and deep…turning an innocent kiss into a passion…I closed my eyes…living the moment like it were the last kiss on earth…with hunger and love…so much love.

-Peter…i wanna…

-Please…don’t go…i know it’s wrong and i should control myself better…

I stopped him from talking, pressing gently with my fingers on his lips. He kissed every finger…

-I know it’s crazy…Peter…but i want it for the last time…i wanna make love to you…one last time…

I looked at him and all the old feelings were there, in his eyes. Love, desire, passion…He lifted me in his arms…so soft and gentle, so reassuring…I felt the warmness of the fireplace and the sensations were mixing in my mind. The cold air made me tremble…for the first time since i got there i felt afraid…

-Ali…you know i wont hurt you…never…please, don’t be afraid…

I smiled at him…i smiled to myself, pulling him closer to me, giving myself to the feelings, to the pleasure, to the desire…He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss every inch of my body…touching my soul. And i felt like turning back time…eight years ago. The same innocence and the same urge to feel like i belong to him…like he and i were one body…one soul. And the intensity of the moment was strong like the eruption of a volcano and tender and sweet…like the song of a violin.

I stayed there with my eyes closed waiting for a miracle…maybe to find myself back in time…before all the madness started…when i still believed in love…His voice was so deep, touching my memories.

-I love you…after all this time…and i always will…

– It breaks my heart…Peter…why?

-why?…

-Why wasn’t i good enough? All these years i just wanted to be good enough…i never was…

The sadness in his eyes was tearing my heart apart. I saw tears in his eyes and a tremble in his voice.

-Ali…you were perfect to me. Eight years ago, when our story started, you were like a dream come true. So beautiful and innocent…so in love. With me…And in time…more i discovered you…more i realized that you’re just perfect to me. And i was afraid…

I looked at him and i only felt love. Not anger…not pain…love, only love…He continued with a strangled voice, like he was fighting his inner demons.

-…i was so afraid of loosing you…picturing in my mind the moment when you’re gonna leave me because you found someone better…And i felt like going crazy…i tried to put distance between us…hoping i’ll control better my fears. I pushed you away…till you lost every beautiful feeling for me. It burned my heart when i found out about you and Tony…but at least i had a reason to hate you…is this making any sense to you? Baby…it’s not about you…it’s about me…i was never good enough…that’s how i felt…

I searched for the right words, but all i felt was silence…overwhelming silence.

-please…say something…Ali…at least tell me you don’t hate me…

-no…i never hated you. My love…you’re still my love and you’ll always be…even in our worst moments…And tonight…you saved my life again. Peter…what am i going to do without you? I can’t…i just can’t…

He kissed my tears and held me tight till i stopped crying…till the tremble of my body melted into a warm sensation. And the darkness seemed less cold…making love in the sunrise…

The line between love and hate is so thin…Being safe or feeling frightened…starting a new life or going back in time…In the morning, all my confusing thoughts were shattered by the light of the sun. I knew i belong to another life. My life with Phillipe…

Because me and Peter…two kids building a castle of sand. The wind and the waves were stronger…destroying our dream. Peter just gave up…while I was pretending that my castle is unbreakable…

that my heart is unbreakable…

Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

Just a little human touch…

“Sometimes I think I’m going mad
We’re loosing all we had and no one seems to care
But in my heart it doesn’t change
We’ve got to rearrange and bring our world some love.”

(Scorpions-“Under the same sun”)

Les Baux de Provence

-I missed this house! The colors, the smell…everything! Remember, Phillipe…

-How could i ever forget our first time? Princess…the way you gave yourself…abandoning your body completely in my arms…the sweet look in your eyes…the passion and the pleasure…i felt like the luckiest man on earth! And the best part is that…every time is better…every time i want you more and more…

-Phillipe…

-I adore you…look how cute you are when you’re blushing like this! And your eyes…when you’re happy they are sparkling! I feel like throwing you on the bed…i swear that your sexy smile make me loose my sense of reality…

I wrapped my arms around his neck, gently touching his face, arranging his careless hair.

-I love you…i wanna make love to you…but you said about a special dinner…and i’m starving!

He started to laugh.

-Alright…i guess i can wait a little more. Alicia, can you go to the kitchen and announce the servant to set the table?

-I rather not…that girl, Anette…i think she don’t like me…Why do you look at me like this? No, i’m not afraid! Alright…i’ll go!

a little later

-Mademoiselle want the dinner to be served now?

I looked at Anette. She seemed around 30, looking still very young. I asked myself why can’t she find a better place to work. Serving Phillipe…that must be hard…

-Yes. And, please, Anette, don’t call me “Mademoiselle”. I’m Alicia, or you can call me Ali, like all my friends. We’re the same age, i think…

-Excuse me, mademoiselle, i don’t have time to small talks…

-You don’t really like me, do you? It’s alright…at least let me help you arrange the table. Give me the salad…

The look in her eyes was more than the words could express. She took the salad boll out of my hands with harsh moves.

-No! Because I know how Sir prefer to have the dinner! I’m on his service long enough to know about his preferences! What did you imagined? You thought you can come here and ordering me like you’re the lady of the house? I only listen to Sir’s orders! Not to some spoiled girl! Yes…you thought that if you’re sleeping with him…

The door suddenly opened and i saw Phillipe standing there. And by his expression i understood that he heard it all….

-What’s going on here? You…girl…how dare you raise your voice to my fiancee? And offending her like you did…you should be on your knees bagging her to forgive you!

-I’m sorry, Sir, i’m truly sorry! I shouldn’t said, but i got mad because she wanted to arrange the dinner table and i know you like it in a certain way. I promise you, Sir, this will never happen again!

-Did i gave you permission to speak?

His eyes were so cold and his calm seemed to hide an anger beyond humanly understanding. He looked at Anette like he just saw a trash.

-Pack your things. In 15 minutes i want you out of this house. And do not dare to look in my eyes ever again! Or to speak to my fiancee who, by the way, is the lady of the house! Now, get your garbage out of my house!

I saw her standing there, looking hurt but trying to keep her dignity. And suddenly something snapped inside of her mind and i was horrified to see her kneeling in front of him…

-Please, Sir…i bag you…i’ll do whatever it takes…i’ll work harder and i’ll never do that again. Please…it’s late…i have no place to go and you know about my mother…she’s sick…Please Sir…

-Well…you should had thought about your mother before! You only have 5 minutes left to leave this house! Start packing. Now!

I looked at him…how cold and cruel sounded his words.

-Phillipe…she’s on her knees…it’s not right…do something. Look, i already forgot what she said…it doesn’t matter and i’m sure she’ll try…

He interrupted me with a firm voice.

-Alicia, please go upstairs and wait for me there. You’re oversensitive about these things! And i don’t want you to mix with servants…ever again. OK, baby? Go upstairs…

I left the room feeling so sad…I heard her crying and i imagined how she must feel. And then, i saw her living the house and i couldn’t resist anymore. Running down the stairs…trying my best to catch her before she’ll go into the darkness…

-Anette…wait!

-What is it? You’re happy now? You wanna take a good look at me just to enjoy the view?

-No…let me help you! Here…take this money…it’s all i have now. You said you have no place to go…this will help you to pay a room at a hotel. And here’s my phone number…Please, call me…i have some friends and i think i can get you a new job. Please, Anette…let me help you…

She took the money and, for the first time, she looked at me friendly.

-Alicia…Ali…thank you! I…i don’t know what to say except that…i’m extremely sorry! I was horrible to you, and you were nothing but kind…I’ll call you…

I opened my arms and gave her a big warm hug, thinking how wrong can we act out of prejudices…And then, i turned back to the house.

a little later

-so…princess…you gave her all of your money…and you promised her a job…

-yep!

-and you left the house without saying a word to me…just to help a stranger. Of course…not any stranger…someone who offended you…

-again…yep!

-Are you out of your mind, Alicia? I’m serious now! Tell me exactly what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours!

-I don’t know, Phillipe…but i’ll tell you what’s in my heart and soul…When i saw her kneeling in front of you, my heart broke. It was the saddest thing i ever saw…and any offending word she might told me…it didn’t matter anymore. I felt like she’s loosing her dignity, her pride…

-Baby, servants are not supposed to have dignity and pride! She’s not the first woman kneeling in front of me or bagging…I love you, Alicia, but you need to learn to behave…because your admiration…your fascination toward people will cause you many problems. This need of yours to help and love them…why don’t you understand? They don’t deserve it! I’m the only one you should love and respect! And it’s the last time when i allow you to do something like this…

-You’re the only one i love and respect…Phillipe…can we be like…before? Can you hold me and make me feel loved and protected again? I feel so lonely and sad…i wanna cry and i have no more tears…I’m afraid to talk to you, to tell you how i feel…and i’m afraid to be myself…can you love me like before? Without all those cruel words…

He smiled at me and took me in his arms.

-My beauty…no more cruel words. I don’t wanna hurt you…sometimes i feel like you’re just a big child, completely blind to the darkness of this world. How could i be ever mad at you…when all i want is to make love to you…i never loved anybody like i love you…

Maybe i’m blind to the darkness around me. Or maybe…i just see the light in places where the others renounced long time ago to search it. The lost causes…how could i ever turn my back? If there’s a chance, just a little one, to turn someone’s life into better…how could i walk away without trying? How could anybody…

because i just feel i’m a lost cause myself…

How can i love when i’m afraid…

“When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I’ll wait for the light, I’ll wait for the sun”

(Madonna-“Rain”)

Laying in the jacuzzi…letting the hot water running down my body, while his warm hands were massaging my shoulders…i couldn’t remember the last time when i felt so relaxed. The scent of lavender oil combined with the rose petals and a glass of french champagne…I closed my eyes feeling his fingers gently touching the back of my neck…small goose bumps were forming in the warm little spot where my skin met his warm breath and his hungrily kisses…

-I forgot…

With lazy moves he moved his body so his eyes could meet my eyes…

-you forgot?

-almost…

His charming smile and the question in his eyes made him so attractive. He grabbed my chin making me look into his dark eyes…the eyes that always seems to capture my soul. He pulled me closer…

-What did you almost forgot, princess? Anything important?

-My life…before you…Who i was, what i felt…my friends…the family…they are so far away, like in another lifetime. I can’t remember myself without you…

He just smiled and kissed me with passion and hunger…creating shivers trough my body…his hands caressing and exploring…like discovering me all over again…the sensations were making me tremble…abandoning myself to him…to his desire…making love with a passion i always dreamed to live…

Opening my eyes slowly…i felt him carrying me to the bedroom, holding me close…

-How do you feel, my beauty?

-i feel…like i never want this to end…

-…happy?

-more than happy…Phillipe…i feel like meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…

He became serious…like a sudden shadow took his smile away.

-Alicia…i need to know something…do you have any regret about us? If you could turn back time…

-i would change something…the fights, the anger…we should made love instead of fighting…i feel such a fool for not recognizing the true love…But why do you ask me this? And why do you look so sad…mon amour…what’s wrong? Something i did?

He took me in his arms and kissed me.

-It’s about what you said in the morning…about signing a prenuptial agreement…i was so angry with you for proposing me something like that…i didn’t had the chance to explain what i feel…

-Phillipe…i hope you know…i only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…it’s just that my father accused me that i’m marrying you for your money…i was devastated to hear him talking like this. But why do you mention this now? I thought we’re ok…or, are you still angry with me…

-no, baby…i’m not angry…how could i be…is just that i have to tell you something…and it’s serious.

He looked at me and his eyes were so dark and cold…i couldn’t stand that look in his eyes…

-you’re scaring me…again…Phillipe, don’t look at me this way…

He held my face into his hands…making me look at him.

-Look at me. Alicia…I don’t wanna have this conversation with you again. We’re not signing a prenuptial agreement because we don’t need one. We’ll never divorce…i mean it. A marriage is over only when one of the partners is death. Do you understand me? It’s the only way a marriage should end…

I felt like falling down from the clouds. My euphoria replaced by fear…For the first time i started to see what the others were telling me all this time…maybe i don’t know him at all…

He seemed to melt seeing me so scared, trembling and with tears in my eyes. He tried to sweeten his tone.

-Baby…what’s wrong? Didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way…

-it’s just that…i wanna love you, i really do…i wanna make love to you and be faithful to what we have…and i want a family…a child. But how can i go on if i don’t trust you…Phillipe, i’m afraid…sometimes i don’t recognize you…did you listen to yourself talking? Can you even control yourself? Or do you enjoy this? Fear, sadness, hurt…is this the way you want me to feel? Seeing me shocked and frightened…does this satisfy your need to control…? Are you happy now?

-No, of course no…

-Then stop it! Imagine what’s in my heart…i got no friends, my father doesn’t speak to me anymore, i’m tired and sad…and the man i love…the man i should trust…the only one who should be by my side to protect me no matter what…is suggesting me that…that…

I couldn’t speak anymore…the hurt inside silenced me, making me hate my own weakness. When i looked at him i saw in his eyes how sorry he is…i thought i saw him crying. Or i just saw my own tears?

The Inner Child

“I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.”

(Leonard Cohen-“In my secret life”)

-Maria, this is the best Tiramisu i have ever eaten! The best! Thank you so much! Please, give a big slice to Phillipe, he’s locked away in that office for too long…

-I can’t…Sir said he doesn’t want to be bothered…and he also told me to announce you to be ready in an hour. You know…for the business meeting.

-I will be ready, but…Maria, stop this nonsense with “Sir”. He’s Phillipe, my fiance, not some royal figure! If i call him by his name, you should do that too…because you’re like family to me…sometimes you were the mother i never had…Alright…no more tears! Really, Maria, if you call him “Sir” again, i’ll just ask him to call you “Lady”! Lady Maria…

She started to laugh but suddenly she stopped.

-Alicia, you’re like a child sometimes! And me…talking to you while i still have those dishes…

-Let me help you clean up the kitchen. Come on, Maria! You worked too much today and i’m boring…You sit down and i do the dishes! And you talk to me, that’s an order! Just kidding…about ordering you…i respect you too much to give you orders! Just let me help you! Please, pretty please, pretty pretty please…

She tried to look serious but i could tell she was smiling.

-That’s unacceptable! Sir…i mean your fiance was very clear about this! He doesn’t want you to work in the house. Alicia, if you care about me, just respect his demands. You know i depend on these money…not for me…it’s about my children…you know my situation. Tell me something…

-anything, my dear Maria…

-Why are you like this with him? Defying all the rules, acting against his decisions? Like a child who’s testing the limits…You love him, right? He loves you so much…and his requests are not that hard to respect. In the past, that was the only way for a woman. Respectful and loving…So, why are you like this?

-I don’t know…maybe i’m testing his limits. I love him and i trust him but sometimes…is like i see a different side of him. And it scares me…and i wish i could be sure before the marriage…Believe me, i tried to follow his rules. I can’t! And then i told him that my only rule is this: “I got no rules! Rules are made to be broken!”.

-Ali…i wish you could be serious for a minute. You know i love you like you’re my daughter. First time i saw you…you were 20, a child pretending to be a woman. Now you’re a woman pretending to be a child…

-God…Maria, remind me never to talk to you! How can you say those things? You’re hurting my feelings…

-I’m sorry, Alicia, but you need to listen. You wont survive in this marriage if you don’t change, just a little…You have an incredible man as your future husband, he cares about you, he placed your desires above his. Remember…we’re not equals…God made the woman in a certain form. You should show more obedience, more respect to your fiance. And you really have no reason to fear him…he’s so gentle and tender with you. Unless…you don’t love him…and your behavior is your way out…

I heard the door open and i felt relief to see Phillipe.

-Sir, can i serve you a piece of Tiramisu? Or do you prefer a glass of tonic water? Is just as cold as you always prefer it…

-Thank you, Maria, not now. I’ll call you in a few minutes.

He look at me and smiled.

-Alicia, can we talk in private? In my office…

I followed him and carefully locked the door behind me. He turned and i wrapped my arms around him, giving him my best smile.

-I missed you today…you’re working too much, i’m glad you took a break. Philipe…you’re upset? What have i done now?

-Baby, i’m not upset…it’s just that i don’t like when you’re so familiar with the servants. You seems to forget your place…And you know how i feel about that…is one of my…

-…yes, one of your rules! I know, i know! I broke some rules again! I never learn…and i’ll upset you again and again…cause i just wanna break another one! A big one!

-Let’s hear it! You got that sexy smile, wrapping me around your little finger…

-Well…what about this…i never made love in a lawyer’s office…all these secret files so well placed…just makes me wanna lay down on this table and let you see my wild side…what do you think…

-…i think you just got yourself the right to break every rule you want…as long as you’re doing it this way…Alicia, baby…if you knew how much i love you…

-show me how much…make love to me and make me forget about rules or limits…

But can i ever forget about rules? My inner rules…how many times i broke them already? And how much pain it caused me acting this way? Maybe Maria is right…maybe i am a woman pretending to be a child…still laughing, crying, wondering and gazing at this big wild world…Against all imposed rules!