Don’t say the words…

“Tell me…tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you’re so sure
Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that’s vulnerable”

(Secondhand Serenade-“Vulnerable”)

-You’re not going anywhere! You’re gonna stay right here and explain to me! Yes…right now! Where were you last night?

Phillipe was starring at me without any intention of dropping the subject. I was still euphoric after my night with Peter…my “good bye night”. Strangely, i felt only joy, not a single trace of guilt…in fact, i felt more free like never before. I needed that night to have my closure to a love that never seemed to end, to a relationship that never seemed to work.

And here i was, in the middle of a messy situation, the kind of things that i’m specialized to create. Still with my heart so easy and full of joy. Phillipe, on the other hand, didn’t seemed to enjoy it too much. He was fixing me with a dark look, dangerously close to my body. The thought that he might know…I felt so relief that i had the chance to shower at Peter’s home…

-You know how afraid i am to sleep alone…

I looked in his eyes with the most innocent look, trying to melt his anger.

-This doesn’t answer my question. I was calling you the whole night and your cell was closed. Do you realize how angry i am right now? How many times do i have to tell you…

-Well, i never agreed to your rules! I think they are ridicule and embarrassing and i’ll never follow them!

His eyes were like fire, a cold fire burning inside him. I tried to turn my back at him but he grabbed my hands holding them tight and presing me against the wall.

-I told you…you’re not going anywhere! How are my rules? Tell me once again!

-Yes, gladly! Let me think: don’t leave the house without asking permission…ridicule! And…always answer to the phone…impossible! And…yes, my favorite…don’t mix with the servants…like you are above them! The most annoying one…don’t work in the house…like i’m some porcelain doll made only for your pleasure…Sir…!

-Alicia, if you don’t stop it right now…

-What? Oh…i’m so afraid…the scary creature is gonna eat me alive…save me, prince of darkness…

I started to laugh…feeling a strange mixture of anger and fear. My heart was beating so fast and my breath started to fastened. I looked into his eyes, biting my bottom lip in anxiety. He grabbed my chin with one hand, still holding my body captive against the wall…I closed my eyes and he kissed me. And i felt it was more than a kiss…all the anger turned into passion. His gestures showed no gentleness or tenderness but i could feel how he’s trying to control something inside him. At the end, i felt breathless and speechless…and i couldn’t hold my thoughts.

He spoke first.

-I don’t recognize myself around you. Sometimes, baby, you push my limits to the edge. Look at me…Alicia, don’t cry…

-I’m so…sorry…

-Baby…no, it’s alright! Maybe i need to rethink the way i’m living. You came into my life like a little storm, ravishing all around you…

-Do you still love me? I have to tell you something…

He softly touched my cheek, going slowly down on my neck.

-Phillipe, don’t…is about last night.

-Yes…you were afraid to sleep alone, so you got out the house and walked on streets alone the whole night…

I kept the silence. His tone became frustrated…

-Right, princess? Is this what happened, alright? And, now…i’m gonna say one thing and listen to me carefully…if you’ll ever do this again…you are gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Understood?

-yes…whatever…

-Don’t talk back to me, cause you’re in trouble…I hate cheaters and liars…Alicia, don’t push my limits this way…ever again.

-I understand, Phillipe…

He smiled at me like smiling to a child who just answered right…

But i didn’t felt like a child…i felt like an adult who’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I knew it from the start…there’s no trace of maturity in cheating and lying. And i’m just wondering…forgiving myself so easily…isn’t it just a better way to cover my true emotions? Being vulnerable is the easiest thing to me…like my true nature. But what’s beyond this? Who’s the real woman behind the foolish mistakes…

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