Would you love me?

“If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away?”

(The Script-“Oh if you could see me now”)

His warm embrace was all i needed…i used to feel this way for so many people…My friends…i used to call them “my friends” and i used to fool myself that they care…till that moment in my life when i turned my back and they did the same.

-Ali…let me take a good look at you! Still looking perfect, but something is different. Last time i saw you…i saw sadness, fear in your eyes and now…i see anger and…

-…and the feeling that i don’t care anymore. I don’t care about others, i don’t care about myself…or about love, faith, good…This is what you see, isn’t it, Ray?

-Your honesty is impressive but i have to tell you something. Ali…this feeling wont last forever. It’s only produced by pain…I’m so glad you made this appointment…i wanna help you, of course, if this is what you’re looking for…

-First of all, Ray…thank you! For clarifying things with The Police and for talking to Phillipe…our relationship changed a lot thanks to you. He understood what i felt during our first months of marriage and now we’re both trying to know each other and to fulfill each other’s expectation…Now…the reason i’m here…

-Yes…tell me what can i do for you…

-You could be a part…an important part of my project…I wanna help people by opening a Health Center…for those less fortunate. It will be small at first…and you might be working with poor abused woman and children…but i’ll do my best to give you a decent paycheck every month…

-Ali…

-Before saying no…Ray, i really need you! You are the best psychiatrist and the most talented therapist i ever knew. I can’t offer you the money you deserve, but you’re gonna be rewarded…i promise you…And i wanna talk to Gerard…and for the reserch department i think we can count on Henri…you know them, right? Please, Ray…don’t say no yet…think about…

-I wasn’t saying no…actually, i love your enthusiasm and i share it…and i would help you no matter how much you’re paying. Yes…i will, don’t look so surprised…One question…Why? Why do you complicate your life by helping abused woman and children? You could easily open a center for rich families, to provide them health care…

I kept the silence for a few moments, just to decide how much i can say…and then my heart and soul just opened in front of him.

-Because i know about every single form of abuse…from being neglected as a child and being raped as an adult…From losing my mother and losing the love of my life…from being confronted with a dominant husband and being sold by the only guy i ever trusted…from trying to kill myself and being saved by a man who dreams to call him “sir” in intimacy…by the way, i’ll never call him that way…Ray, i know everything about pain and hurt…because i experienced it too much. I’m an empty shell now…sometimes i wish i could drown myself in tears and i can’t cry anymore. And…you know what? I don’t care about myself anymore! But i care about them…about the ones who, just like myself, don’t give a damn about themselves. Do i make any sense?

He just stood there, looking deep in my eyes. I thought i saw the trace of a tear but he just looked at the ground. Then, suddenly his arms opened for me and i found myself in his arms, feeling safe and warm.

-I will help you…you will care about yourself again, you will cry again…you will feel again…Ali…even if it takes a lifetime…I’m overwhelmed now but i know for sure that i wanna be a part of your project…and a part of your life…

-Thank you, Ray…

-I have a gift for you, it was hard but i finally found it…

He took out of his pocket a small picture,  taken from a newspaper…a beautiful woman who’s eyes were my eyes…who’s hair was my hair…who’s smile reminded me of those times when i still smiled…My knees got weaker and Ray came closer to support me…

-This is…how did you…i never…

-I had to dig a lot…yes, Ali…this is your mother…look at the sparks in her eyes…Ali, you were deprived from the most precious memory a girl should have…the picture of her mother…You lost her twice…first…life took her away from you when you were just a child and second…your father decided to erase her from your mind. I can’t go back in time…but at least i can help you recover some of your memories…

I think i told him “please hold me”…and he did…Flashes came back in my mind…a lullaby, a prayer…her soft voice and a song…a warm sensation of being tucked every night…and then the loneliness of an empty room…with no toys…no pictures…no…her…a little girl crying for her mommy…and a new room filled with expensive toys, a therapist saying to my father that i have to forget in order to survive…

-Ali…breath…you’re about to pass out…

Mom…if you could see me now…would you hold me one more time? Would you forgive me for all the mistakes i made? Would you care for me even if i’m death inside? Please love me…even if i lost my way…

To save a single life…

“It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?”

(Black Eyed Peas-“Where is the love?”)

The Wizard took my hand and leaded me to the gates.

-What’s going on…why is my Castle turned to ruins? Who did this? He will be punished! Where are my servants? Where’s the King? I want them all gathered here, around me…we’re gonna rebuild the Kingdom. Where is everybody?! Answer me, Wizard or your head will fall at my feet!

-Princess…there’s no one left…don’t you remember? You slept for a thousand years and we couldn’t find you…the new world arrived and they showed no respect! 

-They will be punished! All of them…till the last one! Wizard…give me the mirror! I wanna be beautiful for the King…My favorite mirror…is broken! Fix it now, Wizard! I can’t see myself!

-Your Highness…the mirror isn’t broken…but shadows has no reflection…

-I’m not a shadow! I’m alive…and i’m in pain. Do something, Wizard, the fire is burning me alive! I wanna see the King! Where’s the King? Philippe…

-Baby, i’m here! Alicia…open your eyes, you were calling my name! Sweetie…you look so tormented…like you had been seeing a ghost…

-You’re here…please hold me tight…i had a terrible nightmare…i was a Princess, but i was just a shadow and fire was burning me…and you weren’t there…

-My love…you truly are a princess in my heart and in my eyes…My Princess…relax, it was only a dream…i guess that returning home was hard for you…and you still heaven’t told no one that you’re here…

-Is still early…seven in the morning…why aren’t you in bed?

-I wanted to surprise you in the morning…i opened an account on your name…with enough money to buy yourself a small castle…

-Thank you, Phillipe…mon amour…my castle is in your arms…i don’t need another one…but thank you for making my dreams come true…

-and i also took care of the trash called Annette…she’ll never work in Monaco again…The clothes you gave her…expensive ones…i took the liberty to wrote her an email…all the dresses will be taken and donated to the shelter for abused woman…if you agree, of course…

-You are amazing! Thank you for being so generous…what about the money i gave for her mother…for the surgery…

-Well, i checked and the story is true…i though about stopping the payment…wait…the trash wrote a response to my mail…

-Let me see…please…

-No, Alicia…she’s not worthy…

-Don’t worry…i’m not gonna fall…you’re here with me and i feel strong so…

“Alicia, i know you’re behind all this…be careful. You’ll never know when and where something terrible will happen to you…cause it will! I’ll never stop haunting you, bitch…And the day of my revenge will come sooner than you expect it. By the way…you don’t know who you’re married with…” Annette

Phillipe almost smashed the phone on the ground. He looked so angry and hateful…i could see it in his eyes, the dark and cold feeling. A feeling i recently knew myself…

-That’s it! I’m stopping the payment and the old witch can die…this is a limit she wasn’t allowed to cross…never!

-No…mon amour, Phillipe…i helped her mother because she’s helpless…i don’t want her to die because of me. Just send her the money she needs for the surgery and after that…she’s on her own…

His voice sounded harsh and cruel.

-Baby…she’s going to pay for treating you like this…If her mother is gonna die…is because of the daughter she raised…not because of you! Now i don’t wanna hear another word…you promised to do what i’m telling you to do…go back to sleep. I’ll make sure that the trash will feel on her own skin how is it when something terrible is happening…Go back to bed, Alicia, i’ll be with you in five minutes.

I closed my eyes but there was no trace of sleep…What’s wrong with me? Someone’s hurting in a hospital bed…i could save a life and i’m just laying here looking at the ceiling. I wish i could cry…

-Alright…come here in my arms…you’re so cold, let me warm your feet…

-Phillipe, i…i’m sorry…i wanna be respectful and i really wanna show you the obedience you want…and…please, don’t get me wrong…

-What did I told you? No word about the subject! I am not going to change my mind…and don’t even think about using your bank account…

-no…i didn’t thought about…Phillipe…no…i’m really sorry…i’ll do whatever you tell me to do…

He looked surprised and a little amused. And then i saw a spark in his eyes as he started to kiss the back of my neck, undressing me slowly with his hands.

-Look princess…since you were so sweet and good these days…maybe i’ll think about rewarding you…Yes…you just drive me crazy with your big brown eyes, looking so helpless and willing to please me…and when i feel you trembling in my arms…well…how could i deny you anything…so…you wanna save the old witch’s life…

-yes…

-show me how much…and if i’m satisfied…

-i’ll do anything for you…thank you so much, Phillipe…

And something was crystal clear to me: saving the whole world is worthless if during the process you’re losing a soul…a single life may be more important than the whole Universe…

And…oh…is so easy to talk about loving God…and so hard to love his human creations…

Over the edge

“Tears of love, tears of fear
Bury my dreams, dig up my sorrows
Oh, Lord why
the angels fall first”

(Nightwish-“Angels fall first”)

-So…the red one or the black one? Or do you like the purple one? Mon amour…take a good look and help me choose…you know i’m helpless when it comes to decisions…

-Alicia…you look stunning no matter what you’re wearing under your clothes…let’s buy them all…

-No…you’re not getting away with this…come closer and feel them…let’s start with the red one…

I took his hand and leaded him in the small dressing room. We were surrounded by mirrors and, a few steps away, people were buying things…I leaded his fingers on the cup of my bra…

-Feel it…is soft and smooth and it’s a perfect fit…now, what do you say about the panties? Here…the red silk gives me the sensation of warmth, can you feel it too?…is like when you touches me…there…i’m melting inside…

He let a soft deep moan escaping from his lips while i pressed my body against his…

-Baby…what are you doing to me…and we’re in public…

-I’m just trying to decide…maybe i should show you the black one…please, can you help me…i need to take off these…

-Alicia…no…let me…

He pushed me gently against a mirror and pulled my hair exposing my neck…laying small kisses all along my neckline, going down on my shoulders…biting softly…i used my hands to grab his hair…i closed my eyes letting the pleasure to take control…

-Baby…i think we’re absolutely gonna buy those panties…they are a little wet…and i’m planning to make them even more wet…now don’t move…i guess you were right about melting inside…

I moaned louder biting my lip while he continued to kiss me all over my body. The sensation was overwhelming and feeling him inside made me lose my self control.

-You are perfect…baby…tell me if you want more…

-Yes…please…don’t stop…

-What…what do you want me to do to you? Say the words…

-I want…i need…make love to me…Phillipe…please…

Maybe the excitement of being nearly caught, maybe the red underwear, maybe the feeling of being on the edge all the time lately…maybe all these combined…i felt like falling without control…without even knowing when it all stopped…

He was smiling, stroking my back, touching my face…

-Phillipe…it was awesome…i can’t even speak…

-Sweetie…i’m crazy about you…remind me to take you to shopping more often…

-Yes…and to satisfy my needs constantly…now how can we go out without being caught?

He started to laugh  and helped me get dress.

later, at the hotel

-so…my handsome, brilliant and, not to forget, rich husband…saved me from trouble again…Phillipe…what did you told to that girl about my wet panties?

-the truth…that i seduced you in the dressing room…

-noooo…you didn’t! you told her that…we had sex in public?

-of course…and i also told her that you almost passed out because of the intensity of your orgasm…and i asked her to clean the mirror…and to make these dressing rooms bigger…

-but…we could had been arrested…

-No one arrests my adorable wife! Believe me, baby, she did cleaned the mirror…and she said “thank you, Sir” at the end…

-so…do you want me to tell you “thank you Sir”? You kinda made me beg you…and that made things even hotter…

-I just want you to be yourself…you’re changed…somehow…and i’m not sure if you’re happy…but i know I am…Alicia, i’m amazed…it’s like all i ever dreamed…you’re giving me now and is perfect…the control i need to have…

-You need to control me in order to love me…you need to feel a power over me…i know it now and i accept it…willingly…your happiness means everything to me…if you need to dominate me…i’ll give you total control…

-because you love me?

I nodded.

Because i don’t care anymore.

No more illusions…(part two)

“All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

The Montcalm Hotel, London

Don’t feel, just think…don’t ever feel anything…you’re frozen, let your mind do the routine and froze everything else…you’re functioning very well, breathing and living even if he’s gone…no…he doesn’t exist…don’t feel…

The hot water relaxed me enough to be calm…i surprised myself with my inability to cry…And all i kept repeating to myself was that i have no more tears. Looking in the mirror i saw a pale shadow…that’s not me anymore…but i still can make it better…my hair falling free on my shoulders, a trace of perfume, the natural colors on my makeup, wearing nothing but his white shirt and a white underwear…Brave enough to go out of the bathroom and show myself in front of him…

And his smile said more than words…

-So, do you like the suite? I asked them the lavender fragrance and red satin sheets…i also requested wild flowers…

-Is amazing…you did all these things for me…i truly appreciate it…i’m a little hungry but there’s no rush if you wanna talk…

-Your wishes are my commands…butter flavored croissant sounds good? With fresh orange juice…a light french breakfast special made for you…and a red rose…please join me to breakfast…

He took my hand and helped me with the chair…I looked at him and wondered about his feelings…

-Now…how do you feel, Alicia? How do you really feel?

-Guilty, stupid, angry at myself…

-Good…Alicia, you broke my heart…not to mention that you costed me a small fortune…but i guess is alright as long as i found you…Don’t say anything now…i know all there is to know…

I looked down…taking his hand and placing it on my cheek…he lifted my chin and continued talking, looking deep into my eyes…

-You know, baby…i understand you…i can’t accept it…but i understand. You thought you found the love of your life…and you ran away with him. So romantic…but you see…people can be so weak and predictable…all he wanted was to save the orphans from Kenya…i gave him enough money to build a school or a church or…anything else…and he took the money. He sold his soul…just to feel in peace with himself…i’m sorry you’re hurting…

-No, Phillipe, not anymore. Is true…i thought i’m in love but he proved to be an idiot and the Light doesn’t exist…The only truth is that humans are selfish, proud and stupid and i’m no exception…

-Alicia, i can buy anything…anyone. Every person has a price, i’m not talking about money…offer them what they think they need…and it’s over…over with love, faith, morality. Too easy…till i found you…you’re the only one i can’t buy, you don’t need anything i can offer…that’s what’s making you priceless…

-How about you, Phillipe?

-Me…i only want one thing. I want you! Not your body…i want you to love me, to adore me, to obey to me…And i’ll do anything to have you. I’ll pay any price…

-You would lie…black mail me…

-I would lie, cheat, fight, kill…yes…i would use anybody and anything, even that child, Robby…I thought i found out what your price is…a child’s life. But i was wrong…i wont say i’m sorry, cause i’m not…i still want you and i’m still willing to do whatever it takes, except for one thing. I’ll never force you again…never. I’ll never hurt you again…i won’t even touch you if you don’t want it…

All this time i finished my breakfast…his words were passing by and all i could think was that people really sell their souls. Where’s my soul, do i still have one…and suddenly i remembered how Mark said i’ll be rewarded for “my sacrifice”…i remembered that dark cold feeling of hate and i felt it again. When i spoke it wasn’t even my voice…

-You are right. You were right all the time and i was blind. The idiot sold his soul…everybody does it! If i had one, i probably sell it too…but my soul died, along with the Light and Love. There’s nothing above us…God never left me because He was never there…So, take me as i am, cause i’m yours. I give myself for free…no price at all…

-Alicia…i’m impressed…

-But i need your help, i need you to teach me…i need a strong man by my side, someone who could lead me. I’m willing to learn, to obey…just be patient with me. Your rules are my rules now. I am yours and i belong to you as long as you’ll want me. I want one thing in return…

-Anything you wish…is yours!

-While i was gone, a few people disrespected me. Servants…you told me to stay away but in my stupidity i thought they are my friends. I want them to be punished…Maria, Annette…i want you to let me deal with them. I want them out of Monaco with nothing but the clothes they’re wearing. And about Helen…a liar…claiming that her own child is dying…Helen will lose everything, especially her rights over the child. I also want a bank account…of course you’ll be in control…and my legal rights over the company…i’ll let the old fool to be in charge but i want full control and the possibility to take action…And i want my engagement ring back and a new set of clothes. I wanna throw away these old junks and change my style…So…what do you say…is it too much?

He looked at me amazed…and then he took out of his pocket something…he took my hand and placed the black diamond ring on my finger…Then he leaned over, taking my face in his hands and kissed me…a hungrily kiss…devouring desire…and i found myself responding to his kiss, eager to feel his body against mine…

-Baby…if we don’t stop now…i wont control myself anymore…and i wanna give you time, so…

-What do you say, Phillipe…will you do what i asked you…

-There’s only one thing i can say: Welcome back, Princess!…

Don’t feel…don’t ever feel…cause feelings destroyed you once. Don’t ask yourself why you can’t cry anymore…don’t wonder where’s the compassion and love you once felt…This is new to you…is cold and dark and there are no Angels in here…

No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)

My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

Beyond words

“If you’re a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You’re always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if for reasons, what you’re looking for
I’ll be yours…”

(Westlife-“Heart without a home”)

Mark took my hand leading me to the bed…the white sheets seemed to glow in the moonlight. The air was fresh with a flagrance of mosque and lavender, relaxing and exciting the same time. My heart was beating so strong and when my eyes met his gaze i felt lost in the color of the sky. He kissed my fingers and smiled…so reassuring and sweet…i smiled back at him, feeling my pulse racing and my heart so full…

“I have never saw you looking so beautiful…let me look at you…” and he pulled me closer to his body melting away any trace of resistance…my nightgown…the white silk fabric felt on the floor, letting my body exposed in front of him. He looked at me amazed…and i felt like, for the first time, i am revealing myself completely. Overwhelming…i looked down…

“Isabel…please don’t look down…i’m amazed by you…i feel the aching need to make you mine…do you love me…do you wanna make love to me as much as need it?…please tell me…my precious Isabel…”. I nodded, unable to speak…there’s no way…i’m not gonna ruin it with my fears, with my insecurities…So i just pressed my body against his…putting my arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily…my passion unleashed…my heart and my soul exposed…completely and deeply in love…

He took me in his arms laying me on the bed…letting his hands to explore…my body responding like a fine violin under his fingers…under his kisses. I felt like i’m in a warm place with gentle light surrounding me…giving myself to a passion and a desire so long forgotten…fulfilling any unexpressed need and desire…realizing that…there’s no other man…and it will never be another…

I whispered his name and he looked in my eyes with tenderness…i closed my eyes and he kissed me so gentle and so deep…”You’re trembling…My sweet love…don’t be afraid, i’ll never hurt you…we’ll do this slowly and gently…till you’re ready to feel more…open your eyes…there’s no threat…you’re safe here in my arms…”. I opened my eyes, stroking his back, letting him in…

And the gentle light turned into a fire burning inside me…like a volcano waiting to erupt…like fireworks deep inside my body…taking control over me, over my fears, over everything…reaching the intensity of a thunder and overwhelming like a hurricane…but warm and sweet like rainbows after the rain…And i knew without asking…he felt the same…he was there too…for a few minutes that seemed like a sweet eternity…our souls were connected…to a level we cannot begin to understand and explain. Pure pleasure and pure love…

And laying there…still lost in a far away dimension…i felt the warmth of my tears…Tears of joy…tears of wonder…because i never knew how love can be…how making love can raise someone’s heart to a point where there’s no return. “Isabel…what happened…come here, my beauty…my love…please don’t cry…it was…just amazing…you are amazing…”.

Trying hard to tell him how i feel…because words have no place in this endless and pure joy. But i saw his scared look…thinking he might had hurt me and i wanted to bring back the light…

“Mark…i love you so much and tears are…just because…i…never…I never felt this way…all my life searching and you brought me there…to that place…and i never wanna lose you…my life is depending on you and i’m afraid to feel and i’m afraid to say…you’re The One, Mark…My forever…endless love…that’s why…my tears…”.

He smiled and kissed me again, wiping away my tears with a gentleness and love i never experienced…

“My sweet silly Belle…how could you ever lose me? Don’t you know…my heart will stop in the moment you’ll leave me…This world…without you…is just an empty place…a place where’s no light, no joy…nothing to live for…Don’t you know it?”

i nodded…

“I tried so hard to help others, hoping and praying that my emptiness inside will became easier to bare…and all this time it became bigger…And i tried so hard to heal people…physically and spiritually…And you came and you took my heart and heal it…Is the truth…in a second you did what i couldn’t do in a lifetime…you made me feel complete…And i thank God for every smile i see on your beautiful face…Isabel…now you’re smiling…and you’re sweet and amazing and…You’re mine…”

Yes, Mark…I’m yours and i thank God for my chance to love.

In his arms…with him in my heart…chasing away all my fears and all my doubts. Ready…finally ready…to change the world…

To change my world…to heal my heart…to save myself…

Swimming with the sharks

“Time after time I tried to walk away
But its not that easy,
When you soul is torn in two
So I just resigned myself to it everyday
And now all that I can do is to leave it up to you.”

(Jamelia-“Stop”)

The earth is shaking…i’m running and i’m terrified to see that i didn’t moved at all! They are all falling down…there’s Peter with Estelle, there’s Liz, Tony, my father…Someone is reaching a hand calling my name…he said “Help me” and i wanna go back to save them all. And then i see her. My mother…she’s above us, dressed in white, surrounded by light. Her voice is like i remember…”It’s alright, Belle…just don’t look back!”. But i’m looking back…and something dark and cold is suffocating me…”

-Isabel…wake up…open your eyes, look at me! It’s over, it was just a nightmare! Keep breathing and count…you had a panic attack…

I woke up, trying hard to breath trough the tears…Another nightmare, another panic attack…another dream with my mother. Mark took me in his arms, holding me so tight…

-Sweet girl…why are you so tormented…i would do anything to make these nightmares go away…Come here…your heart is racing and you almost stopped breathing. I know how hard is to control a panic attack during sleep…but you’re safe now…

-Mark…

-Welcome back, Isabel…

-What time is it? So early…i guess i felt asleep watching tv…i dreamed something…Liz was there too…

-You miss her, don’t you? It’s alright…please don’t look down, she’s your friend and you heaven’t saw her for so long. And i have an idea! Why don’t you call her? Call Liz, talk to her for a while, it will help you…

-You’ll do this for me? Mark, you’re so amazing…

-And you’re so silly sometimes! Alright…all settle…call her…

Her voice so familiar and still so far away made me feel like i’m in another dimension in time and space…

-Hi Liz…

-Aliiiii! Thanks God you called! Are you alright, Ali?

-Yes, i’m more than alright…i’m so happy, Liz…i just miss you very much…

-Ali, if you knew what’s going on here! Phillipe lost his mind completely! He’s trying to intimidate everybody…Imagine…he found something about Tony…some stuff with his business…he wanna send Tony back to Italy if we don’t bring you back. And i told him that i have no idea about where you are but he doesn’t believe me…And Peter…

-What’s going on with Peter?

-He was arrested yesterday…accused of molesting Estelle…the poor girl doesn’t even remember, but Phillipe had a recorded declaration of her…anyway, it probably means nothing, you know Peter…he always lands on his feet…By the way…Peter is desperate, he thinks you’re death or something…

-My God…what about my father? Is he ok?

-Your father told me he doesn’t recognize you as his daughter anymore…he’s so upset with you…he’s spending so much time with Phillipe…they even tried to go to Police and declare you missing, but you wrote a letter, so the Police is not involved…at least i heard is not…then your father and Phillipe tried to declare you mentally disable…

-What?!…

-Yes…but that therapist…Raimondo…and something…said to the authorities that you’re perfectly capable of taking any decision and that you’re not suffering of any mental illness…And…do you know someone named Bryce? With a child who’s suffering of leukemia?

-Yes, little Robby…how is he feeling? You talked to Bryce?

-It seems that Phillipe was paying for Robby’s treatment…and he stopped the payment…saying that is all up to you. Bryce told me that Phillipe used the words “he can go to hell” talking about the child.

-The bastard…he was always blackmailing me using the child’s illness. But…tell me, Liz…Maria is fine?

-Oh, don’t you worry about Maria! She’s like a bodyguard for Phillipe! She’s the only one who adores your husband and takes care of him. She said some things about you, Ali…

-I never imagined…

-Ali, please…come back home! Everything will come back to normal if you just come home…Please…a lot of people are suffering because of that angry control freak of your husband…and all because you left. Come back home…

-Liz, you don’t understand…i am home! I never felt more like home…and for the first time in my life i’m really happy. I miss you, my best friend and you’ll always have a place in my heart but here is my home now.

-Where are you, Ali? Who you’re with? Don’t…

Mark was looking at me with his blue-light eyes, taking the laptop out of my arms. He wiped away the tears from my eyes.

-I’m sorry…Mark…i shouldn’t have called Liz…now you heard it all…

-I heard that they need you to go back to save them. So…what will be your choice? Your friends from Monte Carlo or me and my orphans from Kenya?

-It’s not a choice, it never was and it will never be! It’s like asking me if i wanna swim with the sharks or just stay safe and happy with you…home…

-Isabel…is this true? You really feel that your home is with me? And you’re really happy?

I smiled at him, like smiling to a scared child…placing my arms around his neck to feel his curled hair…

-Yes…my home is in your arms…here in London or far away…in Kenya…or anywhere else you wanna take me…I’m happy to be with you, to look at you…to feel your heart beating next to mine…ever since that day…Remember? When you kissed me in that small church…since that day i was yours…And yes…i married Phillipe…but God knew and He still knows that you were the one i wanted to give my body and soul…

His kiss took me by surprise…his passion made my heart jump and my body was melting in his arms.

-My sweet Isabel…i was so wrong…i love you and i want you so much…i wanna make love to you…can you give me another chance…please Belle, my heart, my body and my soul is aching for you…

-i’m here…i want you to be a part of me…and me a part of you…

(to be continued)

Sometimes Angels cries too

“Tell me that I’ve got it wrong
Tell me everything will be okay
Before I fall
Tell me they’ll play my songs
Tell me they’ll sing the words I say
When darkness falls…”

(Tom Dice-“Me and my guitar”)

a few hours earlier

-So, what do you wanna know, my sweet Belle?

-Everything…

-Her name is Angella…she was beautiful, smart and sweet, just like you…First time i saw her i thought she’s an angel. And i was 20, just finishing my first year in the Catholic Seminary. Yes, don’t look so surprised, i felt like i found my true calling, to serve God with my whole being…And i was so wrong…Anyway, i met her, i felt in love like crazy and i left school, trying to build a life with her. And for a few weeks i was so happy, i thought i found my Heaven. And when she left me…

-What happened…why…if you were so in love…

-She realized she needs more in life than love, my love…She got tired of living in poverty, always missing one thing or another…And she found someone who can give her everything. End of story! And i went to medical school in an attempt to heal myself by healing others…

There were so many things i wanted to say to him…seeing him so hurt it was more than i could take. My eyes were filled with tears…I wanted to shout out loud “She never truly loved you, Mark! I love you, look at me…”, but he seemed lost there, in the past. I needed him, i needed his strength cause i felt lost too…

-Mark…

-I’m sorry, Isabel, i shouldn’t have said all these things to you…but you found her picture and i feel like i need to be always and completely honest to you. It’s over…Angella is a part of my past, you and me…us…

-Everything i know about love, about true love…i learned from you. I never felt so free, so protected, so beloved…like i’m with you. I love you, Mark, in my heart i’m yours and all i want…i wanna be yours completely…

Maybe my insecurities were leading me to this point, maybe my own desires took control over my mind…I touched his face and gently touched his lips with my fingers. He kissed my fingers…and tried to say something, then changed his mind. Pulling me closer to him, he started to kiss me with an unleashed passion. I started to unbuttoned his shirt kissing every inch of his body…He leaned me gently on the bed and, with slow moves, started to explore…My body was responding in ways i never knew i can feel, so eager to feel him becoming a part of me…

And suddenly he stopped…He looked at me with a sadness beyond words.

-Isabel…this is wrong, you know it…

-No…i want you…i need you, Mark..please…make love to me…i love you…

He looked deep into my eyes and i felt lost again. When he spoke, he sounded so serious…

-Belle, i love you too. But that can’t change reality…and the reality is that you’re married and maybe one day you’ll regret our relationship. You have never experienced this kind of life…and it’s not fair…maybe you’ll decide that you belong to the world you left behind…

-No, Mark, never! You’re so wrong and you don’t realize! I belong to you…your world is my world…i’m not scared of hard work or poverty. I’m only scared that you love her! I’m not Angella…i’m not that smart and beautiful and sweet! I’m imperfect, i make a lot of mistakes and i made a huge one marrying Phillipe…But i know i love you in a way she never did!

I realized too late that i was shouting. He walked toward the door…

-I think we both need time to calm down. I’m really sorry, Isabel and i wanna leave before i’ll say anything else…i’ll be back in an hour, ok?

after a few hours

-Our first fight? He asked smiling, like a child who got caught…

-No, Mark…my first prove of insanity. Forgive me for yelling at you…i really have no right. These are just my insecurities and my fears. It seems like i have a problem with rejections…

-My sweet Belle…only a fool would reject you…and i pretend to be smart…i was wrong and insensitive. I’m insecure too…i never imagined being with someone like you, i still feel is a dream…Tell me once again!

-Yes, Mark! I’ll go with you to Africa! I would go with you to the end of the world! I’m letting all behind and i wanna help you with the orphans you told me about.

-Are you sure, Isabel? You don’t need more time to think? After all…we were preparing to go to Eastern Europe and the new came out of the blue…

-Why should i need time? You said something to me once: anywhere in this world…where is pain and we can help…remember? So, is Kenya, right? They need our help…the children and the young adults living in shelters and orphanages. Let’s go to Kenya, Mark!

-Did anybody told you how amazing you really are? Isabel…i love you…

-Together…Mark…the only way i can be amazing…is being with you.

…even if deep in my heart i know, i feel…you still love her…And it doesn’t matter…as long as i can look in your light blue eyes…as long as i can hear you saying i love you…as long as i have something to hold on to…

To walk on stormy seas

“There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.”

(J.Groban-“You raise me up”)

I looked at him and i couldn’t stop smiling. He was still sleeping, his blonde curled hair and the smile made him irresistible, but what made me smile was the way he was holding my pillow in his arms…

I rushed to the kitchen…scrambled eggs with bacon and pancakes with chocolate syrup and me…discovering that i can cook, enthusiastic like a child with a new toy.

-Hey…it smells delicious…you made all these?

He looked amazed and i felt proud of myself. The admiration i saw in his eyes made my heart jump with joy.

-Back to bed! I wanna bring you breakfast in bed! Go, go, go…

-Only if you’re coming with me, other wise my breakfast will be incomplete…

Breakfast in bed, with Mark…sounded like a dream come true.

-You like it? Or should i add more sugar on the pancakes? Mark…

-It’s delicious, absolutely delicious! I love everything you do…you’re spoiling me…No one…never…brought me breakfast in bed…But i feel guilty because you’re working so much…cooking, cleaning…And…what’s this? You broke a nail? Give me that little finger so i’ll kiss it…

-It’s no big deal! Mark, i’m so happy to do all these things…i feel so good, so healthy and alive!

-Yes, but i wish i could take more care of you, Belle…

The way he pronounced the shortcut from Isabel made me remember…

-I’m sorry…Isabel…what’s wrong? Did i said something to make you so sad…please, Belle, tell me…

-It’s just that…today…i mean, 21 years ago…on All Saints Day…my mother passed away…and i used to spend this day, every year, with my dad…She always called me Isabel, not Alicia…and sometimes she called me Belle…saying i’m the light of her life…

With no words, he took me in his arms. It was warm and i felt safe…i looked deep in his blue eyes, wishing to feel his kiss…i closed my eyes, trying to keep the memory of that warm moment deep in my heart.

-Why don’t you call him? Your father…i think he must be so worried…you left almost a week ago. Call him, you’ll feel better…just tell him “i love you”…it’s never too late…

He was right…i needed to hear my dad’s voice, the only parent i still have on this earth…I took the phone and dialed the number, unsure about what to expect. He answer in a few seconds.

-Dad…

-Alicia! Where in the hell are you? Have you lost your mind? Your husband is going crazy, threatening everybody…i can’t believe how selfish and insane are your decisions…

-I miss you…

-Come back home, Alicia! It’s an order! I think your need for attention is more than satisfied now, with the chaos you created!

-I love you, dad…

And he said nothing. The phone slipped from my hands as i felt drowned in tears. Mark took the phone from my hand, put it aside and held me so gentle, caressing my hair, till i felt better…

-No one loves me, Mark…

-Shhhhh…you are so beloved…and you don’t even know it. God loves you so much, He’s always holding your hand so you wont fall…He’ll never leave you and He’ll always gonna answer to your prayers. And there’s your mom…watching you from up above…visiting you in your dreams and making you feel protected…And here, on Earth…there’s me…i love you and i need you in my life…I know it’s not much, but i’m offering you my heart, my love…my life…Belle…please don’t cry…cause when you cry, Heaven cries with you…

His words, so smoothing, like he was talking to a scared child…and his eyes, blue like the sky, in that moment i felt i’m in Heaven…

-Mark…you’re so good…why are you so good to me?

-Because I love you!

-And why do you love me?

-Cause you’re sweet. And why are you sweet? Cause you have chocolate right here, on your upper lip…And why are your lips painted with chocolate? Well…i guess i need to taste in order to answer…

His lips pressed against my lips…parting and tasting, playing and teasing, making me feel so hungry for more…

-I love you, Isabel…you taste like honey and it’s addictive…promise me you’ll never leave me…you’ll never take away the light you brought to my life…

-I’ll never leave you! I rather die…I love you too, Mark. You saved my life and you gave me a meaning…a feeling of fulfillment and joy. And as long as God will allow me on this Earth, i will love you…every day of my life.

-Even if i can’t offer you the lifestyle you’re used to have? Belle, i’m not rich…

-Now you’re the silly one! Mark, can’t you see how happy i am? I’m smiling and singing and dancing in the house…like a teenager. I’m so in love…please…stop talking and kiss me again…you brought the Heaven into my life…

In the arms of the man i love, the rest of the world seemed formed by shadows…empty shadows. I’m his and he’s mine…against all the human laws…in the name of love, knowing now that only Light can heal, love and protect. And that i’ll never get lost in the darkness…