Beyond words

“If you’re a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You’re always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if for reasons, what you’re looking for
I’ll be yours…”

(Westlife-“Heart without a home”)

Mark took my hand leading me to the bed…the white sheets seemed to glow in the moonlight. The air was fresh with a flagrance of mosque and lavender, relaxing and exciting the same time. My heart was beating so strong and when my eyes met his gaze i felt lost in the color of the sky. He kissed my fingers and smiled…so reassuring and sweet…i smiled back at him, feeling my pulse racing and my heart so full…

“I have never saw you looking so beautiful…let me look at you…” and he pulled me closer to his body melting away any trace of resistance…my nightgown…the white silk fabric felt on the floor, letting my body exposed in front of him. He looked at me amazed…and i felt like, for the first time, i am revealing myself completely. Overwhelming…i looked down…

“Isabel…please don’t look down…i’m amazed by you…i feel the aching need to make you mine…do you love me…do you wanna make love to me as much as need it?…please tell me…my precious Isabel…”. I nodded, unable to speak…there’s no way…i’m not gonna ruin it with my fears, with my insecurities…So i just pressed my body against his…putting my arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily…my passion unleashed…my heart and my soul exposed…completely and deeply in love…

He took me in his arms laying me on the bed…letting his hands to explore…my body responding like a fine violin under his fingers…under his kisses. I felt like i’m in a warm place with gentle light surrounding me…giving myself to a passion and a desire so long forgotten…fulfilling any unexpressed need and desire…realizing that…there’s no other man…and it will never be another…

I whispered his name and he looked in my eyes with tenderness…i closed my eyes and he kissed me so gentle and so deep…”You’re trembling…My sweet love…don’t be afraid, i’ll never hurt you…we’ll do this slowly and gently…till you’re ready to feel more…open your eyes…there’s no threat…you’re safe here in my arms…”. I opened my eyes, stroking his back, letting him in…

And the gentle light turned into a fire burning inside me…like a volcano waiting to erupt…like fireworks deep inside my body…taking control over me, over my fears, over everything…reaching the intensity of a thunder and overwhelming like a hurricane…but warm and sweet like rainbows after the rain…And i knew without asking…he felt the same…he was there too…for a few minutes that seemed like a sweet eternity…our souls were connected…to a level we cannot begin to understand and explain. Pure pleasure and pure love…

And laying there…still lost in a far away dimension…i felt the warmth of my tears…Tears of joy…tears of wonder…because i never knew how love can be…how making love can raise someone’s heart to a point where there’s no return. “Isabel…what happened…come here, my beauty…my love…please don’t cry…it was…just amazing…you are amazing…”.

Trying hard to tell him how i feel…because words have no place in this endless and pure joy. But i saw his scared look…thinking he might had hurt me and i wanted to bring back the light…

“Mark…i love you so much and tears are…just because…i…never…I never felt this way…all my life searching and you brought me there…to that place…and i never wanna lose you…my life is depending on you and i’m afraid to feel and i’m afraid to say…you’re The One, Mark…My forever…endless love…that’s why…my tears…”.

He smiled and kissed me again, wiping away my tears with a gentleness and love i never experienced…

“My sweet silly Belle…how could you ever lose me? Don’t you know…my heart will stop in the moment you’ll leave me…This world…without you…is just an empty place…a place where’s no light, no joy…nothing to live for…Don’t you know it?”

i nodded…

“I tried so hard to help others, hoping and praying that my emptiness inside will became easier to bare…and all this time it became bigger…And i tried so hard to heal people…physically and spiritually…And you came and you took my heart and heal it…Is the truth…in a second you did what i couldn’t do in a lifetime…you made me feel complete…And i thank God for every smile i see on your beautiful face…Isabel…now you’re smiling…and you’re sweet and amazing and…You’re mine…”

Yes, Mark…I’m yours and i thank God for my chance to love.

In his arms…with him in my heart…chasing away all my fears and all my doubts. Ready…finally ready…to change the world…

To change my world…to heal my heart…to save myself…

Swimming with the sharks

“Time after time I tried to walk away
But its not that easy,
When you soul is torn in two
So I just resigned myself to it everyday
And now all that I can do is to leave it up to you.”

(Jamelia-“Stop”)

The earth is shaking…i’m running and i’m terrified to see that i didn’t moved at all! They are all falling down…there’s Peter with Estelle, there’s Liz, Tony, my father…Someone is reaching a hand calling my name…he said “Help me” and i wanna go back to save them all. And then i see her. My mother…she’s above us, dressed in white, surrounded by light. Her voice is like i remember…”It’s alright, Belle…just don’t look back!”. But i’m looking back…and something dark and cold is suffocating me…”

-Isabel…wake up…open your eyes, look at me! It’s over, it was just a nightmare! Keep breathing and count…you had a panic attack…

I woke up, trying hard to breath trough the tears…Another nightmare, another panic attack…another dream with my mother. Mark took me in his arms, holding me so tight…

-Sweet girl…why are you so tormented…i would do anything to make these nightmares go away…Come here…your heart is racing and you almost stopped breathing. I know how hard is to control a panic attack during sleep…but you’re safe now…

-Mark…

-Welcome back, Isabel…

-What time is it? So early…i guess i felt asleep watching tv…i dreamed something…Liz was there too…

-You miss her, don’t you? It’s alright…please don’t look down, she’s your friend and you heaven’t saw her for so long. And i have an idea! Why don’t you call her? Call Liz, talk to her for a while, it will help you…

-You’ll do this for me? Mark, you’re so amazing…

-And you’re so silly sometimes! Alright…all settle…call her…

Her voice so familiar and still so far away made me feel like i’m in another dimension in time and space…

-Hi Liz…

-Aliiiii! Thanks God you called! Are you alright, Ali?

-Yes, i’m more than alright…i’m so happy, Liz…i just miss you very much…

-Ali, if you knew what’s going on here! Phillipe lost his mind completely! He’s trying to intimidate everybody…Imagine…he found something about Tony…some stuff with his business…he wanna send Tony back to Italy if we don’t bring you back. And i told him that i have no idea about where you are but he doesn’t believe me…And Peter…

-What’s going on with Peter?

-He was arrested yesterday…accused of molesting Estelle…the poor girl doesn’t even remember, but Phillipe had a recorded declaration of her…anyway, it probably means nothing, you know Peter…he always lands on his feet…By the way…Peter is desperate, he thinks you’re death or something…

-My God…what about my father? Is he ok?

-Your father told me he doesn’t recognize you as his daughter anymore…he’s so upset with you…he’s spending so much time with Phillipe…they even tried to go to Police and declare you missing, but you wrote a letter, so the Police is not involved…at least i heard is not…then your father and Phillipe tried to declare you mentally disable…

-What?!…

-Yes…but that therapist…Raimondo…and something…said to the authorities that you’re perfectly capable of taking any decision and that you’re not suffering of any mental illness…And…do you know someone named Bryce? With a child who’s suffering of leukemia?

-Yes, little Robby…how is he feeling? You talked to Bryce?

-It seems that Phillipe was paying for Robby’s treatment…and he stopped the payment…saying that is all up to you. Bryce told me that Phillipe used the words “he can go to hell” talking about the child.

-The bastard…he was always blackmailing me using the child’s illness. But…tell me, Liz…Maria is fine?

-Oh, don’t you worry about Maria! She’s like a bodyguard for Phillipe! She’s the only one who adores your husband and takes care of him. She said some things about you, Ali…

-I never imagined…

-Ali, please…come back home! Everything will come back to normal if you just come home…Please…a lot of people are suffering because of that angry control freak of your husband…and all because you left. Come back home…

-Liz, you don’t understand…i am home! I never felt more like home…and for the first time in my life i’m really happy. I miss you, my best friend and you’ll always have a place in my heart but here is my home now.

-Where are you, Ali? Who you’re with? Don’t…

Mark was looking at me with his blue-light eyes, taking the laptop out of my arms. He wiped away the tears from my eyes.

-I’m sorry…Mark…i shouldn’t have called Liz…now you heard it all…

-I heard that they need you to go back to save them. So…what will be your choice? Your friends from Monte Carlo or me and my orphans from Kenya?

-It’s not a choice, it never was and it will never be! It’s like asking me if i wanna swim with the sharks or just stay safe and happy with you…home…

-Isabel…is this true? You really feel that your home is with me? And you’re really happy?

I smiled at him, like smiling to a scared child…placing my arms around his neck to feel his curled hair…

-Yes…my home is in your arms…here in London or far away…in Kenya…or anywhere else you wanna take me…I’m happy to be with you, to look at you…to feel your heart beating next to mine…ever since that day…Remember? When you kissed me in that small church…since that day i was yours…And yes…i married Phillipe…but God knew and He still knows that you were the one i wanted to give my body and soul…

His kiss took me by surprise…his passion made my heart jump and my body was melting in his arms.

-My sweet Isabel…i was so wrong…i love you and i want you so much…i wanna make love to you…can you give me another chance…please Belle, my heart, my body and my soul is aching for you…

-i’m here…i want you to be a part of me…and me a part of you…

(to be continued)

Sometimes Angels cries too

“Tell me that I’ve got it wrong
Tell me everything will be okay
Before I fall
Tell me they’ll play my songs
Tell me they’ll sing the words I say
When darkness falls…”

(Tom Dice-“Me and my guitar”)

a few hours earlier

-So, what do you wanna know, my sweet Belle?

-Everything…

-Her name is Angella…she was beautiful, smart and sweet, just like you…First time i saw her i thought she’s an angel. And i was 20, just finishing my first year in the Catholic Seminary. Yes, don’t look so surprised, i felt like i found my true calling, to serve God with my whole being…And i was so wrong…Anyway, i met her, i felt in love like crazy and i left school, trying to build a life with her. And for a few weeks i was so happy, i thought i found my Heaven. And when she left me…

-What happened…why…if you were so in love…

-She realized she needs more in life than love, my love…She got tired of living in poverty, always missing one thing or another…And she found someone who can give her everything. End of story! And i went to medical school in an attempt to heal myself by healing others…

There were so many things i wanted to say to him…seeing him so hurt it was more than i could take. My eyes were filled with tears…I wanted to shout out loud “She never truly loved you, Mark! I love you, look at me…”, but he seemed lost there, in the past. I needed him, i needed his strength cause i felt lost too…

-Mark…

-I’m sorry, Isabel, i shouldn’t have said all these things to you…but you found her picture and i feel like i need to be always and completely honest to you. It’s over…Angella is a part of my past, you and me…us…

-Everything i know about love, about true love…i learned from you. I never felt so free, so protected, so beloved…like i’m with you. I love you, Mark, in my heart i’m yours and all i want…i wanna be yours completely…

Maybe my insecurities were leading me to this point, maybe my own desires took control over my mind…I touched his face and gently touched his lips with my fingers. He kissed my fingers…and tried to say something, then changed his mind. Pulling me closer to him, he started to kiss me with an unleashed passion. I started to unbuttoned his shirt kissing every inch of his body…He leaned me gently on the bed and, with slow moves, started to explore…My body was responding in ways i never knew i can feel, so eager to feel him becoming a part of me…

And suddenly he stopped…He looked at me with a sadness beyond words.

-Isabel…this is wrong, you know it…

-No…i want you…i need you, Mark..please…make love to me…i love you…

He looked deep into my eyes and i felt lost again. When he spoke, he sounded so serious…

-Belle, i love you too. But that can’t change reality…and the reality is that you’re married and maybe one day you’ll regret our relationship. You have never experienced this kind of life…and it’s not fair…maybe you’ll decide that you belong to the world you left behind…

-No, Mark, never! You’re so wrong and you don’t realize! I belong to you…your world is my world…i’m not scared of hard work or poverty. I’m only scared that you love her! I’m not Angella…i’m not that smart and beautiful and sweet! I’m imperfect, i make a lot of mistakes and i made a huge one marrying Phillipe…But i know i love you in a way she never did!

I realized too late that i was shouting. He walked toward the door…

-I think we both need time to calm down. I’m really sorry, Isabel and i wanna leave before i’ll say anything else…i’ll be back in an hour, ok?

after a few hours

-Our first fight? He asked smiling, like a child who got caught…

-No, Mark…my first prove of insanity. Forgive me for yelling at you…i really have no right. These are just my insecurities and my fears. It seems like i have a problem with rejections…

-My sweet Belle…only a fool would reject you…and i pretend to be smart…i was wrong and insensitive. I’m insecure too…i never imagined being with someone like you, i still feel is a dream…Tell me once again!

-Yes, Mark! I’ll go with you to Africa! I would go with you to the end of the world! I’m letting all behind and i wanna help you with the orphans you told me about.

-Are you sure, Isabel? You don’t need more time to think? After all…we were preparing to go to Eastern Europe and the new came out of the blue…

-Why should i need time? You said something to me once: anywhere in this world…where is pain and we can help…remember? So, is Kenya, right? They need our help…the children and the young adults living in shelters and orphanages. Let’s go to Kenya, Mark!

-Did anybody told you how amazing you really are? Isabel…i love you…

-Together…Mark…the only way i can be amazing…is being with you.

…even if deep in my heart i know, i feel…you still love her…And it doesn’t matter…as long as i can look in your light blue eyes…as long as i can hear you saying i love you…as long as i have something to hold on to…

To walk on stormy seas

“There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.”

(J.Groban-“You raise me up”)

I looked at him and i couldn’t stop smiling. He was still sleeping, his blonde curled hair and the smile made him irresistible, but what made me smile was the way he was holding my pillow in his arms…

I rushed to the kitchen…scrambled eggs with bacon and pancakes with chocolate syrup and me…discovering that i can cook, enthusiastic like a child with a new toy.

-Hey…it smells delicious…you made all these?

He looked amazed and i felt proud of myself. The admiration i saw in his eyes made my heart jump with joy.

-Back to bed! I wanna bring you breakfast in bed! Go, go, go…

-Only if you’re coming with me, other wise my breakfast will be incomplete…

Breakfast in bed, with Mark…sounded like a dream come true.

-You like it? Or should i add more sugar on the pancakes? Mark…

-It’s delicious, absolutely delicious! I love everything you do…you’re spoiling me…No one…never…brought me breakfast in bed…But i feel guilty because you’re working so much…cooking, cleaning…And…what’s this? You broke a nail? Give me that little finger so i’ll kiss it…

-It’s no big deal! Mark, i’m so happy to do all these things…i feel so good, so healthy and alive!

-Yes, but i wish i could take more care of you, Belle…

The way he pronounced the shortcut from Isabel made me remember…

-I’m sorry…Isabel…what’s wrong? Did i said something to make you so sad…please, Belle, tell me…

-It’s just that…today…i mean, 21 years ago…on All Saints Day…my mother passed away…and i used to spend this day, every year, with my dad…She always called me Isabel, not Alicia…and sometimes she called me Belle…saying i’m the light of her life…

With no words, he took me in his arms. It was warm and i felt safe…i looked deep in his blue eyes, wishing to feel his kiss…i closed my eyes, trying to keep the memory of that warm moment deep in my heart.

-Why don’t you call him? Your father…i think he must be so worried…you left almost a week ago. Call him, you’ll feel better…just tell him “i love you”…it’s never too late…

He was right…i needed to hear my dad’s voice, the only parent i still have on this earth…I took the phone and dialed the number, unsure about what to expect. He answer in a few seconds.

-Dad…

-Alicia! Where in the hell are you? Have you lost your mind? Your husband is going crazy, threatening everybody…i can’t believe how selfish and insane are your decisions…

-I miss you…

-Come back home, Alicia! It’s an order! I think your need for attention is more than satisfied now, with the chaos you created!

-I love you, dad…

And he said nothing. The phone slipped from my hands as i felt drowned in tears. Mark took the phone from my hand, put it aside and held me so gentle, caressing my hair, till i felt better…

-No one loves me, Mark…

-Shhhhh…you are so beloved…and you don’t even know it. God loves you so much, He’s always holding your hand so you wont fall…He’ll never leave you and He’ll always gonna answer to your prayers. And there’s your mom…watching you from up above…visiting you in your dreams and making you feel protected…And here, on Earth…there’s me…i love you and i need you in my life…I know it’s not much, but i’m offering you my heart, my love…my life…Belle…please don’t cry…cause when you cry, Heaven cries with you…

His words, so smoothing, like he was talking to a scared child…and his eyes, blue like the sky, in that moment i felt i’m in Heaven…

-Mark…you’re so good…why are you so good to me?

-Because I love you!

-And why do you love me?

-Cause you’re sweet. And why are you sweet? Cause you have chocolate right here, on your upper lip…And why are your lips painted with chocolate? Well…i guess i need to taste in order to answer…

His lips pressed against my lips…parting and tasting, playing and teasing, making me feel so hungry for more…

-I love you, Isabel…you taste like honey and it’s addictive…promise me you’ll never leave me…you’ll never take away the light you brought to my life…

-I’ll never leave you! I rather die…I love you too, Mark. You saved my life and you gave me a meaning…a feeling of fulfillment and joy. And as long as God will allow me on this Earth, i will love you…every day of my life.

-Even if i can’t offer you the lifestyle you’re used to have? Belle, i’m not rich…

-Now you’re the silly one! Mark, can’t you see how happy i am? I’m smiling and singing and dancing in the house…like a teenager. I’m so in love…please…stop talking and kiss me again…you brought the Heaven into my life…

In the arms of the man i love, the rest of the world seemed formed by shadows…empty shadows. I’m his and he’s mine…against all the human laws…in the name of love, knowing now that only Light can heal, love and protect. And that i’ll never get lost in the darkness…

Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…

An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…

Pieces of my broken dream

“I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all”

(Phil Collins-“Against All Odds”)

-Let me do this…you know how much i love to feel the touch of your hair…so smooth…like silk…

I smiled at him. Phillipe started brushing my hair with slow moves, touching it like it were something precious. I felt so relaxed and it was a new sensation of being safe.

-I could get used to that…

-You should, sweet princess, cause i’m gonna take care of you…baby…i never felt so much love. You’re so beautiful and you’re all mine…

He stopped for a moment and turned me to face him. He had something in his hands…

-A gift? For me? What is it?

-It’s a reward. For you, for being so sweet and good and acting so responsible. It’s yours, open it.

I took the ribbons off and my heart jumped with joy seeing a beautiful reply of the house from Provence…made of wood. Like a fine piece of jewel.

-It’s beautiful! Thank you, i love this home and now i can carry it with me anywhere i’ll go!

I jumped in his arms, giving him a kiss.

-Baby, i wanna see that spark in your eyes all the time! It’s yours! I know how much you like the house and we share a very precious memory there. And i don’t want you to feel like a guest…you’re my world, my only love…

-Wait a minute! Phillipe…you’re talking about the house…the real house? You wanna give me the real house? But why…i cannot accept it!

He started to laugh.

-Of course is about the real house! And you can keep the little one too, it has a dedication written on the roof. See? “For Alicia, the love of my life, the light of my heart and soul!”.

I felt overwhelmed.

-Phillipe…i…i don’t deserve it…i mean…it’s yours and i…i’m sorry…i can’t…

-Ssssshhhhhsss! Of course you can! It would mean the world to me if you’ll accept my gift. So, whenever we’re going to Provence, we’ll stay at your place…

-I…i don’t know what to say…

He took me in his arms and kissed me, grabbing my chin and looking into my eyes with a feeling of tenderness.

-Well, you don’t have to say anything. Just sign the papers…baby…what’s with the tears?

-Why…after all that happened…

-Because i can and i want! And because i love you, i wanna give you a shelter, a feeling of being safe and it’s the only way i know how…And because you were a good girl…no phone calls, no internet, no going out without my permission…you followed all the rules and i know it’s not easy for you. That’s why! And for renouncing to Second Life…

-I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. If Second Life is a problem…

-Baby…i hate that game! And the though of you being with someone…but you’re starting to forget, right?

-I never tried again…after you deleted my account…

-I know…

-Phillipe…my phone…all my conversations are recorded?

-Yes. And i placed video cameras in the apartment…and your laptop is checked daily. And i hired someone to observe you when you’re out of the house without me. It’s the normal thing to do. Alicia…i’m protecting what’s mine. All i want is for you to forget him…forget Second Life. I want you to do it willingly…but there’s always another way…

I stood quiet in front of him, thinking of a warm place with warm arms wrapped around me…

-Baby, what’s wrong?

-I’m cold…i’m tired and cold…and i can’t fight this feeling. It scares me to feel so cold…

-What do you mean…cold? Your skin is warm, hope you’re not getting sick…

-Phillipe…it’s like i’m in the middle of a dream, a beautiful dream. And then something is breaking and i feel like walking on glass and cutting myself with every step i’m taking. And the pain is cold…unbearable cold.

-Alicia…look at me. Stop talking like this…stop crying. If you’ll follow the rules, like you did so far, maybe i’ll think about giving you more freedom. What do you say, baby? It’s up to you…now be a good girl and sign the papers, this house needs a new owner! Good…this is the way i like it…you, doing what you’re told to do…princess…you makes me very happy!

-Thank you, Phillipe. I’m sorry for being so sensitive…of course i understand and i’ll do whatever it takes…

-Baby, it’s all i need to hear. And Alicia…don’t ever try to lie or to cheat again! Remember who you belong to…

I closed my eyes, still feeling tired and cold. His arms around me…he loves me, he wants to give me his whole life. In return i only have to give away my freedom…it’s not that hard…

But forgetting…it’s just impossible…How could i forget him? My love…the man who made me dream and love and fly without wings…When every step i’m taking, every song, every dance, every place…reminds me of him. Leaving him without even saying good bye…how could i ever forget or forgive myself? Every night i feel like pieces of a broken dream are haunting me and the days…the days are just empty…and there’s no one…absolutely no one who could hold me and love me the way he used to…

When even friends seem out to harm you

“And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way”

(Guns’n Roses-“November Rain”)

Overwhelming feelings, sensations and thoughts were running trough my body and soul…Lying naked on the sateen sheets…shivering light from the white candles placed all around the bed…creating a sweet sensation of tranquility. Red wine, contrasting with the pale white shadows and a music i never heard before…He looked at me and took my hand kissing my fingers. I slowly begun to move, just to feel his body closer, just to make sure he’s real…

-Thank you…

My voice sounded gentle and sweet, almost like a whisper. I opened my eyes looking deep inside his heart. He took me into his arms, holding me tight.

-I would give anything for this look in your eyes…To see love, adoration, trust…Alicia…there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t give you…

-I only need you to love me, Phillipe…to make love to me…like you did. With passion and tenderness…

Running my fingers trough his hair, thinking how handsome he really is, how perfect we can be to each other.

-I realized something, princess…losing you, destroying your trust in me, hurting you the way i did it…it was a nightmare, i am a monster, like you once told me…

I placed my fingers on his lips to stop him for talking.

-You’re the only man i love…and i tried to change you…it was so unfair of me…I felt in love with your wildest side, your dark side attracted me so much, but all i ever dreamed was that you’ll love me so much…so you’ll wanna change it all for me…Do i make any sense?

-Baby…

I felt tears and i didn’t tried to stop them.

-Now i understand, Phillipe…now i know and i respect you for who you really are and i’m scared that i’ll never be able to make you happy. God knows i’ll try! But i’m terrified of the thought of being harmed…and still…i wanna give you what you need, what you desire…i think i need you to be patient with me and to assure me again and again…

He kissed me deep and passionate grabbing my hair and holding firmly my face.

-Alicia…you’re making me very happy…i need to learn how to keep this beautiful smile on your lips…how to see every day this spark in your eyes…how to make you feel safe and loved. You’re the only light in my darkness…

The phone was ringing…a cruel sound in the perfect ambient.

-Oh, no…it’s Annette…do you want me to answer?

-Yes, baby…but put it on speaker…i wanna hear it all…cause i have a feeling…

the conversation with Annette:

-Ali, where are you? I need you to come to the hotel, pleeeeease…

-Hi, Annette. I can’t…i’m not in Monte Carlo…actually i’m very far away…i said looking at Phillipe with a playful smile

-I need your help, Ali! In two days is my date…i told you about Mark…

-Yes…did you find any dress to fit you?

-Ali, it’s not about the dress…you gave me clothes for a few years at least. I found a great dress…the red one. But i don’t have aaaaa…

you know…

-Tell me! You need shoes? Or some nice earings to match to the dress? Phillipe started to laugh.

-God, Ali, don’t make me say it! It’s about an underwear…i need a hot sexy underwear and all are so expensive…and i wanna impress him…i’m planning to pay a room in the hotel and spend the night with him…

-Wait! Annette…this is your first date…you never met him till now. Don’t you think you’re hurrying things too much? What he’s gonna think about you?

-So, you’ll give me? Please, Ali…

-I’m sorry, this time i can’t help you! I really think you should be yourself and not trying so much to impress him…he should be impress by you, your heart and soul, your personality…not by a sexy underwear that it isn’t even yours…

-Thanks for nothing! Are you trying to ruin this for me? Why? Jealousy? You know, Alicia, he is my chance…i wasn’t born rich, like you! And i didn’t married a rich man like you did! And i don’t wanna spend my whole damn life cleaning rooms! He’s my chance to escape from poverty and i need your help…

-Oh my God! You need my help to…what? To sleep with him? To sell yourself? Annette…

-Sure, like you’re better than me! Don’t tell me it’s a coincidence that all the guys you were involved with are millionaires! I know what you’re doing…playing good little housewife till the next one will appear. And, till then you’ll get all you can from the jerk of your husband…

The attack took me by surprise, or maybe i was too high and falling down was too painful. I blocked and i started to cry, looking helpless at Phillipe. He was so angry…a frozen expression. For a moment i thought he’s gonna smash the phone, but he just took it from my shivering hands and spoke with a sinister dark tone…

-So, the trash voiced…spitting all the venom in my home…Trash…you know what is going to happen to you? You know what i’m doing with the snakes? Make them swallow their own poison…

-N-n-no…Sir…i’m sorry, i was angry and i didn’t thought…please, Sir…forgive me…

-This conversation is recorded. I will use the information. You will forget about Alicia and this number. And…almost forgot…in the next half hour, the poor fool is gonna receive a mail. With a link…

I heard her crying and whining and praying and bagging. Phillipe closed the phone. He took me in his arms.

-Now is a good time to tell me “i told you so”. Phillipe, i’m a fool…i should had listed to you…i still can’t believe…

-No, baby…you’re not a fool…you made a mistake…you always see the best in people, don’t you? And you believe in changes for better, right? A big part of my reason to love you is this precious heart of yours! This light you spread all around you…now don’t be sad…you didn’t lost anything…

He was warm, gentle and carrying. And the love i felt for him in that moment was overwhelming.

-Promise me i won’t lose you, mon amour…

-As long as you’ll be like this…your precious soul is safe. And nothing and no one will harm you again. As long as you’re mine…

And, with all my heart, i wanted to feel like i’m his…but deep inside my soul i know i’ll never be…

Hopeless case

“Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me.”

(Bonnie Tyler-“Holding out for a hero”)

early in the morning

-How do you feel today, baby?

-Amazingly good…St. John’s Wort really helped me…and spending the night in your arms. Do i really have to go to see that therapist? I feel so much better…

-Princess…there’s no way you can convince me…

The phone was ringing loud and clear.

-Hello…yes…why? Damn it!

-What’s wrong, Phillipe?

-Well, i told you i spoke to a therapist, a woman specialized in hypnosis. It looks like she can’t make it…family problems…

-So, i can go to Gerard? Can i?

-Not so fast! She talked to one of her colleagues, an italian therapist famous for his successes in hopeless cases…

-I’m a hopeless case?

He took me in his arms, running his fingers trough my hair.

-Do it for me, ok?

a few hours later

Sitting in his “consultorio”, waiting and contemplating the diplomas from the wall. A little nervous, knowing i’m here alone (the therapist insisted on that aspect) and knowing that Phillipe already told him on the phone about the other day. Wishing, hoping that he’ll be like Gerard…a father figure who i can relate with…

-Good morning! I understand you’re here for a therapy session? I’m Raimondo R., please call me Ray…

It took my breathe away. He was not only young, but also very good looking. Around 40 years old, brown hair and charming smile…

-Nice to meet you, Ray! I’m Alicia, please call me Ali…

-Ali, that’s so sweet! So, where’s my future patient? he asked making me smile for the first time.

-That would be me…Why did you asked that?

He started analyzing me and i felt like blushing. He laugh and continued with a warm voice.

-Well, i guess i wasn’t prepared…my colleague told me about a patient with severe depression and a recent suicide attempt. Of course, delirium and psychotic behavior. And usually a girl with these diagnostics looks decomposed…Look at you! Perfect business outfit, great looking hair and a fine touch of make up. Unusual…So, tell me Ali, what can i do to help you?

-Can i be honest with you?

-Please…

-I’m here only because my husband insisted. I have my therapist, it’s dr. Gerard L., i feel good and i really don’t wanna waist your time. I’m sure you’re a very competent doctor but i don’t feel like talking about my problems…

He smiled at me revealing a perfect set of white teeth…

-Can i be honest with you, Ali?

-Please…

-I’m here because your husband pays me a small fortune. My colleague said i have to chose between spending an hour with paranoid psycotics patients and you…a rich girl who got upset don’t know why and tried to jump in front of a truck.

-So why did you chose the rich girl?

-You smell better! And i’m hopping for a chance to improve my bank account, if you know what i mean. I don’t really wanna hear about your problems, i didn’t had my breakfast and i’m hungry.

-Me neither! I skipped my breakfast too…i’m starving, Ray!

-Then, please join me…

Till that point i was unsure what to believe…now i was kinda expecting to hear someone yelling: “surprise! you’re on hidden camera!”. Strange enough, i saw him arranging a small table with croissants and something hot.

-I imagine you drink your coffee with plenty of milk. And you adore the vanilla flavor.

I suddenly blushed. He continued.

-Did i shocked you, Ali?

I regained my self control quickly.

-Actually, Ray, i love spiced food, but you know…it depends on who’s cooking…and you don’t seems to be able to offer me more than vanilla…Oh, sorry, Ray…did i shocked you?

The effect of my words was visible. I felt like i’m winning this game, and i was already thinking how i’ll tell all about to my friends…and we’re gonna laugh together…

-Ali, i’m overwhelmed! You don’t seems depressed…look at your appetite and the way you’re flirting…but still…what was all about? Did you really tried to kill yourself yesterday? Your husband (who, by the way, is crazy for you) was desperate…

-Look, i had a moment of madness…i wasn’t depressed, i was afraid. I felt like i’m losing all i have and i wasn’t thinking clear. Did you meet Phillipe?

-Yes. He’s a control freak, the type of dominant man, typical for a bdsm relationship. But you don’t seems submissive…and i guess that’s a big problem.

-Right. I’m trying to act like i’m submissive and i hate every minute. And in intimacy i’m scared, i’m terrified he’s gonna hurt me. God, Ray, what is with these croissants? I never spoke so free…

-I’m honored by your trust. Ali…in a bdsm relationship, being submissive means feeling pleasure from this role, not only accepting, but enjoying it. Other wise, it’s abuse…It’s rape, if you wanna put it this way…

My eyes suddenly filled with tears. Yes, he said the words i was afraid to speak…

-So, Ali…this is a major problem. Feeling abused, raped…i surely understand how you lost control and tried to commit suicide. But the question is how can we keep you alive?

-Feed me with croissants and latte machiatto… i said in an attempt to avoid my own tears.

-Self irony, humor…all are defensive strategies, to protect your ego from self destroying. On a long term, you cannot hide from your pain. Like right now, when you’re trying so hard not to cry. You can be brave now and when you’ll walk away from here you’ll die inside once more…or you can let me help you. Trust me, me and my un-orthodoxe methods…we know about this kind of problems…

I stayed quiet looking inside my soul. The emptiness i felt was overwhelming…

-Ray, do you think it’s alright if i…i mean, don’t wanna cross any boundary and i respect you as a therapist…

With no other words, he was right beside me, taking me in his open arms and holding me. I cried like never before…In the end…all i could say was thank you.

-No, Ali…i thank you! For letting me see behind your defensive walls…if you could see your soul trough my eyes…you would be amazed how strong, brave and beautiful you really are.

Right in this moment, i heard a knock on the door. The hour of therapy was gone, Phillipe was there…He seemed relief that i was still there.

-Doctor, what can you tell me? Is hypnosis the solution?

-To what?

-What do you mean? Didn’t you talked to her?

-Well, that’s up to Alicia. Hypnosis is a good choice only in a strong, trust-based therapeutic relationship. And it takes time to build the trust. Of course, you know this…be sure you’re creating the trust before asking for more.

-I think, doctor, that me and my wife…we share a good trustful relationship.

-I’m sure you feel this way…now you’ll excuse me. See you in a couple of days, Ali.

I smiled at Phillipe…a big happy smile.

-Hey…baby, it really helped you…i love this smile.

-Phillipe, i feel there’s hope. For us…

For me…

Deep into the darkness

“I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”

(Leonard Cohen-“Hallelujah”)

Les Baux des Provence

Phillipe had a joyful spark in his eyes, reminding me of a big child. I used to adore this feature of his, but now i felt much too tired and sad…

-I did it! I deleted your account on Second Life! I also found a Facebook account, i deleted it too…How do you feel, princess? Relief?

I tried so hard not to cry…after all he brought me here to my favorite place…

-I’m…confused…and a little sad…i will miss my friends…

He pretended he didn’t heard me saying that, but i knew from the look in his eyes that he did. Holding a small bottle he started to count the drops of something…

-Alright, Alicia…let me help you with the sadness…Here! Take the spoon and swallow it all!

-What’s in the spoon? Phillipe, you know how i feel about self medicating…

-It’s St. John’s Wort. Take it! You will feel a little dizzy but that’s the whole point…it should make you incapable of acting against yourself. And more relaxed…i need you to relax and let me take care of you. Remember what you said…you belong to me…body and soul. This means you’ll do exactly what i tell you to!

I took the medicine thinking it can’t be that bad. The taste of the drops was a little bitter but the effect started to show in a few minutes. It felt like i was melting inside, like i didn’t cared anymore…Phillipe noticed and he smiled at me.

-Isn’t it better? For the next weeks you’re gonna take the medicine three times in every day. I’ll make sure you’re doing it. And tomorrow i want you to see someone. A therapist specialized in hypnosis. You’ll see her two times on week till i’ll see some progresses. Any question?

-I already have a therapist. You know, Gerard…i like him, i don’t wanna change him.

I felt really sleepy…the effect of the drops was more powerful that i thought before…I struggled to stay awake.

-Baby, your therapist encouraged you in a few directions that i find dangerous. I don’t like him! And i don’t like his methods…much too gentle and ineffective.

-But he said hypnosis isn’t…

-You’ll do as i say, Alicia! Tonight you tried to throw yourself in front of a truck…i saved you in the last minute…look at your bruises…you lost the right to take decisions…

I couldn’t take any decision…it was hard to keep myself aware of the reality.

-You’re right, Phillipe…i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

-I know…it’s Second Life addiction. You’re different since you started to play it…

My eyes were closing by themselves. I manage to say one more thing…

-God was sending you…tonight…

I felt his arms around my body and his voice sounded more clear than ever before, even if he was whispering.

-Not your God, believe me! If it were up to His will, you would be death by now…now sleep. You are much too important to let you waist your life this way…Your God left you alone, like He always does, sweet princess…but I’m here to make sure that you’ll fulfill your destiny…

an hour later

-Alicia, baby, wake up! You’re having a nightmare! Open your eyes, i’m here…no one is gonna hurt you.

I opened my eyes realizing i’m crying so hard i almost suffocated. He was lying next to me, looking worry. I was trembling and he took me in his arms.

-Phillipe…i dreamed that i’m lost and it’s all dark around me…and in my dream i thought i hear your voice, like a strange incantation. And then i dreamed myself dressed in white…flying. And my mom took me in her arms, like an angel, and then…something dark grabbed me and i lost her…it was so cold and it kept suffocating me…

He stroke my hair and wiped away my tears, smiling at me.

-Baby, it was nothing but a dream. You need to forget it, you’re safe in my arms. And i know the perfect way to make you forget…

He started kissing my neck, slowly and gentle. His hands were moving all over my body…i tried to relax but the memories kept coming back. The fight we had, my own madness who leaded me till the edge…my nightmare…i felt a fear like never before.

-please, stop…i can’t…

-how do you mean…you can’t? i’m your husband…since when you can’t make love to your husband?

He sounded angry and for the first time i felt like loosing control. My body was hurting and my heart felt like breaking in small pieces. I tried to say something but he kissed me and grabbed my arms. I tried to look into his eyes and i saw something so dark and cold, something beyond anger or desire…like a dark fire burning. He whispered in my ear and i tried to convince myself it’s for the best…

-i love this scared look in your eyes…like a deer caught by the hunter…you need to relax, baby…like this…doesn’t it feels good just to let go the control…

And for a second it made sense. He wants the control. Over my body and over my soul. And i married him…more than this…i made him a promise, to be what he needs me to be. So, how can i deny him what he feels is his right? Even if my heart is lost somewhere in the darkness…

He collapsed on the bed feeling overwhelmed by euphoric sensations.

-I love you, baby…it was more than i can describe…like the first time…just overwhelming…Alicia…are you alright? how do you feel, baby?

-good…frozen, scared, hurt, lonely, sad, devastated…i’m alright…it was great, Phillipe…