I’ll never forget you

“Cómo olvidar tus locuras.
Cómo olvidar que volabas.
Cómo olvidar que aún te quiero
más que a vivir, más que a nada.”

(Enrique Iglesias-“Nunca te olvidare”)

-I give you one chance…only one…to tell me the truth! And be careful, because your life may depend on what you’re going to tell me! Start talking Alicia!

-W…what are you doing? i asked trying to regain my voice. Phillipe was staring at me with a frozen expression, his eyes unbelievably dark. His hands on my neck, feeling my pulse under his fingers. There was nothing sensual about his touch and i felt nervous, almost afraid of what he might do.

-You were playing Second Life? Yes or no!

-Y…yes…

-Even if you said you deleted the account! You are a liar…you know what i do to liars? Well, you’re about to find out…

-No…i didn’t…

-So, you have a virtual relationship, a virtual lover? My wife is cheating on me right under my eyes!

-It’s not like this…

-So, how is it? Tell me, i want details. What is it that you need and you’re not getting from me? Or, better…let’s fix this! Let me give you what you really need…

He pushed me on the bed, making me lose my balance. With precise moves, like he could read my intentions, he grabbed my hands holding them above my head and blocking my every move with his body. I felt trapped and i could sense the panic building up inside me. I felt salt tears on the corner of my eyes…

-Stop whining! I don’t wanna hear one sound and i don’t wanna feel you moving! Don’t make me hurt you, Alicia!

He grabbed my hair and kissed me like never before. Biting my lips, invading my mouth, forcefully taking control over me…I closed my eyes thinking it will be over soon…

-Open your eyes and look at me! You like it, don’t you? It must be better then virtual sex, right? Right?! Answer me when i talk to you!

-Don’t…don’t do that…just stop…please…it was enough…

-Not nearly enough, honey! When i’ll be done with you…But let’s have fun now! I wanna hear you bagging! Bag me to stop! I love the sound…

-Phillipe…please…if you’ll do this…you’ll destroy me…us…I wanna save what we still have…

For a moment i though he’s gonna hit me…i couldn’t even try to guess what’s in his mind. And then the familiar sound of the phone. He instantly got up and answered. My body was still hurting with every inch…

-You’re lucky this time! When i’ll be back i wanna see you looking decent. You’re still gonna be punished…i will think of something worthy of your misbehavior…

-Where are you going? Was it a woman? On the phone…

His laugh was sinister.

-Baby, let’s say that she will give me something you’ll never be able to…

He left. Leaving me in tears, ravished and desperate…Don’t know for how long i just stayed there, holding the pillow in my arms, incapable to think or to feel. And then i felt like suffocating…

In the darkness of the night, i felt my eyes blinded by the lights of the street. The world was spinning around me and i remembered the feeling i had when that car hit me. A few months ago…the fear of losing my life…and now all i could dream was to let it all go. Am i really afraid? Losing my life…but i lost it already…strange thoughts running in my mind. There it is…the flashing lights…it’s closer…and i wonder if someone will miss me…and i’m afraid it will hurt…Can it hurt more? I’m already teared apart, it’s only one step more…and it will be over…and i’m taking the step…

-Aliciaaaaa!

Waking up in his arms…his voice like i remember, his touch…so gentle and tender on my skin. Am i dreaming? I opened my eyes…yes, it’s Phillipe…

-Phillipe…i know i was wrong…please forgive me…

-Baby, are you hurt? You could be death…what were you thinking…princess…that’s why i won’t ever let you alone again…

He took me in his arms, holding me tight with a gentleness i thought forever lost…

-Alicia, i’m sorry for losing my temper…it will never happen again. When i left i realized…what have i done to you. I guess you weren’t ready for a life with me…and maybe i need someone more submissive…But it’s you the one i love! And you just tried to take your own life…because of what i have done.

-I hate it…

-What do you hate?

-The dominance thing…the rules and..you’re so cold sometimes…and i never felt submissive…i’m sorry…i hate to ask permission and to be punished…

-And i hate sharing you! I hate Second Life! And the people who are taking you away from me! I hate that you spend time with another man…I hate that you lied…

I looked in his eyes…i saw only pain, devastating pain…

-Can we, please, start all over again? I wanna be what you need me to be…and if you need a submissive woman…maybe i should be the one for you. I will do anything to make you happy…

-Why? After all that happened tonight? Why?

-Because you saved my life…again. And you care…and if someday i’ll die…you’ll miss me…

-Baby…that day, i’ll die with you…this is how much i love you. So, you will delete your account?

-No.

I saw his eyes getting dark again, and i hurried to continue.

-You will. Starting from now, Phillipe…my laptop it’s yours, like everything i have…like everything i am…I want you to do whatever it takes…i wont touch it again. But can you promise me…?

-Anything you want, baby…

-Promise me you wont hurt me…

For a moment, i thought i see tears in his eyes. He leaned on me and kissed me tenderly, caressing my ravished hair.

-Alicia…my sweet Alicia…how could i hurt you again? I almost lost you tonight…let’s go…a new life is waiting for us to live and enjoy it…

-Home? i asked still scared of what happened in that place…

-No…i don’t want you to remember…i don’t want you to be afraid of me…we’re going right now in Provence…i wanna take care of you, to heal your bruises and to make love to you…slowly and gentle…till you’re ready for more…

Provence…the place where my new life can start…The place where my second life ended…forever. Because my heart cannot beat in two directions at the same time…and the real me needs more…

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When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

When there’s nothing left to say…(Part I)

“For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime.”

(Nightwish-“Sleeping Sun”)

-Wake up…Alicia, princess, wake up…is late…

-nooo…let me sleep…i only slept for an hour…let the curtains down…it’s too much light…

-i have a surprise for you…but if you don’t want it…

-a surprise? for me? really? give me the surprise!

He smiled at me caressing my hair and lifting me up from the bed. Against all my protests he cared me to the window to show me the bright light of the sun.

-Now can i have it? My surprise…Phillipe…

-just like a big child! The surprise is that someone wanna see you…remember the nice lady who used to work for Peter, as cook…Maria…

I didn’t needed another word…i jumped from his arms and run to the living room. There she was! All this time i missed her so much, but i was afraid to contact her…after all, i knew she’s working for Peter…

-Maria! I’m so happy to see you! Come here to give me a big hug, i missed you so much…you came to see me…tell me, how are you? And your children? Come, sit with me…

She seemed so sad…all my cheerful mood started to dissolve itself…

-What’s wrong? Tell me…please, is it something with the children…or…

-It’s just that…Peter fired me…after being in his services for more than 20 years…Alicia, you know me, you know i’m discreet…but the way he’s treating that girl, i have a daughter that age…

-and he fired you, just like that! He’s an…

-I know i should asked you, but Sir told me it’s alright…He said that if you agree…i may work for him. Please, Alicia…

-Who’s Sir?

Phillipe started to laugh. Maria was blushing and i looked at both of them trying to guess…

-Sir Phillipe…i’m sorry…he told me to call him this way. And he deserve all the respect…i’ll never be able to thank him for this opportunity…and for paying the tuition for my children…

-No more of this, Maria. I was happy to help you, considering how much you helped Alicia during all those years with Peter. So, Alicia, what do you think? Is it alright to hire Maria?

I jumped in his arms.

-Thank you! Thank you so much, Phillipe! Of course it’s alright…

I turned to Maria.

-But first i gotta say a few things to Peter…how dare he treat you like this? You were like family to us…ok…i’m gonna take a shower, then i want a coffee and i’m going to Peter’s home…

-My love…heaven’t you forgot something?

I looked at Phillipe, trying to guess what he means by that. Then i remembered…i felt like blushing…

-I know you told me to…but it’s still hard for me. You see, Phillipe, i never asked permission for anything and it’s weird…Anyway…i’ll do it if you want me to…Is it alright to…go to Peter’s home?

-No, you’re not allowed to do that!

I never felt so humiliated  in my entire life. Especially in front of Maria…He continued very calm…

-At least not alone! I’m coming with you. Princess…you know what happened last time you was alone with him…i hope you understand that asking my permission is just for your own safety…

I nodded…still feeling weird…

Two hours later, at Peter’s house

The man who came to meet me was no more than a stranger to me…Peter, my first love…looking older, looking sick and hurt…with a wild look in his eyes and stumbling from all the alcohol he drank all night. The smell was horrible…

-A…aly…sweety, you came back like i knew you will…

He tried to touch me but i managed to put distance between us…only the thought of being touched made me tremble. Phillipe noticed how bad i feel and he took the initiative.

-Do not touch Alicia! We’re here to make sure you won’t cause problems to Maria! She’s working for me now…

-Of course, Maria…another one who betrayed me…What do…do you want more, Phillipe? You stole Maria after stealing my love…my Aly…maybe you want the house too…here’s the key…take it…is yours…

I turned away to leave when i remembered something:

-Peter, where’s Estelle?

-Who? Ohhh…the girl…my own pet…we had a little too much fun last night…i think she’s sleeping upstairs. And…no…Phillipe cannot have it! Nooooo, she’s all mine…

Phillipe took my hand leading me to the door…he wanted, just like me, to get out of that place…But how could i leave like this…

-I have a bad feeling, Phillipe…she cannot possibly sleep, is the middle of the day…let’s go upstairs…

-No, honey…you stay right here…i’m going upstairs…

The minutes seemed hours. I stood with no move, trying to ignore Peter’s babbling…about how much he loves me and how much he regrets…and how “the girl” is nothing like me…

And the image i had in front of my eyes when Phillipe came back…carrying Estelle…

-Alicia…open the door…we’re going to the hospital! Quickly!

-Whe…where…what you two think you’re doing with my girl…she’s drunk…some woman cannot deal with drinking…Aly…don’t take her from me…Aly…don’t go…stay with me…i’ll make you happy…

Leaving him there, drunk and (probably) drugged…was like leaving my past behind. I looked at Phillipe…so calm and so strong during all this…doing the right thing…

How could i not ask myself…was i blind all this time? Am i denying myself the chance to a life in happiness and peace of mind? A chance to have the family i always wanted…

(to be continued)

We had it all…

“Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I’m so incomplete
Lord I’m needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly…”

(Mariah Carey-“Love takes time”)

Standing alone in the middle of the crowd…waiting and thinking. Phillipe said he’ll be back in 10 minutes because he needed to talk to a client. A part of me was almost in the verge of telling him “please don’t go, don’t leave me alone…” but i stopped just in time to save my dignity. All these people seems so happy, so in love, the romantic music and the warm athmosphere really bring the best in them. And Peter with that girl…

-Aly…is someone here who insisted so much to meet you that i had no chance to say no. She’s Estelle, our bright star from the summer campain. And your biggest fan, my dear Aly…

-Nice to meet you, Alicia. I admire you so much, it’s an honor to finaly talk to you.

For a moment i thought i’m in a paralel universe. There were Peter and the girl (i mean Estelle) holding hands. She was beautiful, angelic look with big baby blue eyes and an inocent smile. I finaly got my voice back:

-Nice to meet you too, Estelle. And thank you for your kind words, but i think Peter deserve all the credit for our latest project. So, did you enjoied the party?

She tried to say something but Peter grabbed her by the arm and pushed her gently toward the door.

-Sweety, go wait in the car. I have something very private to talk to Aly. Now be a good girl and go to the car.

She left quietly, under my shocked eyes…

-Why did you treated her like this? You were so impolite…And she just obeids you, like that…

-Yes, Aly, she’s like a little good puppy. She does everything i tell her to do and know what? i’m loving this in a woman…i may give her a big hard price tonight.

-You drinked? My God, Peter…you promissed me…

-Honey…we both broked all the promisses. Yes i’m drunk and you’re coming with me…

-No, i’m not…

-Yes, you are…you’re so afraid of embarassing your new boyfriend in front of his client…so be quiet and he wont know…

He was right, i was afraid of Phillipe’s reaction. Before i could think further, i found myself alone with him in a room…didn’t even knew there’s a room so closed to restaurant…

-You are disgusting…don’t know how you can live with yourself. I can’t stand that smell of alcohol and that look in your eyes…

-but you like my hands on your body, don’t you, Aly? come on…one last time…i’m not that drunk!

He pushed me by the wall and started to kiss my neck while his hands were untidening my dress. Feeling so helpless against his body, i saw flashes in my mind. From the past…from the near future. A new found feeling od shame and fear…I started to cry so desperate, almost running out of air…

He stopped for a moment and looked deep in my eyes…

-Looks like you don’t love me anymore, Aly…let me tell you something…i slept with half of the woman from the party, Liz included…Yes, don’t look so shocked…she’s lame in bed…Anyway, you are the best…now i wanna have you one last time and then you can go do whatever you want with him.

-Peter, you’re drunk! You know what drinking does to you… Just let me go, you’re hurting me…

-He’s better than me? Tell  me, Aly…i wont let you go this time…you’re acting so scared and hurting but we both know you like it…

I heard someone forcing the door to open…shoutings and Phillipe’s voice. The time seemed to stop while he was pulling Peter from me and than the sounds of fighting. I closed my eyes and collapse into Phillipe’s arms.

A few hours later, in Phillipe’s appartment…

-Here’s a chamomilla tea…it will help you relax a little. You cried so much, i think you have fever…let me hold you, you’re trembling. Say something, baby, i’m worried sick for you now. Can i get you something?

-…no, don’t go…promise me you wont leave me alone…

-i’m here, my love…Alicia…he will pay, i promise you this. For every tear he caused…i’ll make sure he’ll lose it all.

-Phillipe…how can a man do that? any man…how low should a person feel to abuse someone this way…i feel so empty…like in the place where i felt love now is just empty and fear…how will i ever go on feeling like this?

-i dont have an answer…i know for sure that love has nothing to do with this…i can promise you i’ll spend every moment from now on loving you, making you feel how good it is to feel loved and protected…

-you love me? you really do…?

-I love you…now try to sleep, i’ll be right here holding you all night long. My love…

And even if in the darkness of the night i was feeling lost, i knew all the time, deep inside my heart, that it will be light. And right in that moment my old wounds were starting to heal.

When life was simple…

“Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play,
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.”

(Beatles-“Yesterday”)

-I understand that you miss Matt and i’m sorry he has to stay for so long in US, but i won’t stay here to hear you bad talking about my marriage! Especially with this gentleman standing here! I can’t understand why he’s with you all the time! He’s, after all, your ex boyfriend! You think that Matt would appreciate this?

The voice belonged to Corinne…I invited her to my office under a false pretext, but the truth is that i was very touched by her sadness and her lack of reaction…And the fear in the child’s eyes. I was telling all the story to Peter and he reacted like any normal man would react: “Let’s talk to her, maybe we can help. I’ll offer her financial support, legal aid…maybe a place to stay…Call her, we have to try..”

Now, looking at her…i knew i was right. Big black sunglasses to cover the swollen eyes…bruises on her shoulders…a trace of a recent scar that the make up couldn’t cover…Shaking hands and a mental state that revealed more then her words. And she was defending Nick! I knew that’s a possibility but seeing her like that…I looked at Peter with a helpless feeling…

-It’s not only about you, it’s also about your child. That kid need to feel safe and loved…don’t you think, Corinne? Is it ok for you to see him so scared? Peter’s voice sounded calm and reassuring. I admired him in that moment…

-Leave David out of this! And leave us alone! It’s true, Nick has a bad temper…but in his heart it’s the kindest man i ever knew. He loves us, he take care of us…

-How? Hitting you? Making you cover your eyes because you cried all night? Humiliating you in front of his friends? Tell me, what exactly does he do for you?

-Alicia…this was a mistake…i tried to be your friend…but you…just…

I saw tears falling from her eyes and the feeling was terrible. I didn’t knew this woman, what if i just destroyed the poor balance that she created? To be able to survive…She continued to talk…

-…maybe you’re just too young…when you’ll be married, you’ll see that these are normal things…it’s up to you if you’ll make a big deal or just learn to be what your family need you to be…And Nick it’s a great guy…you talk like you didn’t knew about Matt…

I felt a weird sensation of lacking oxygen…like falling down from a high cliff…

-What should i know about Matt? Please, Corinne, tell me everything…i felt it’s something wrong ever since you mentioned Katie…and Nick got so mad…it’s something about Matt’s ex wife? I need to know…

-You didn’t knew that? I’m not surprised…your perfect Matt…the one who’ll never hurt you…you know what? I’ll tell you, so you could see that this it’s not only my situation…you know that Katie was born prematurely? Only six months of pregnancy…they called her a medical case…and she’s still having a lot of health problems because of this…

I didn’t knew…i felt bad…the man who loves me is going trough such a difficult situation and i…

Corinne continued to talk like enjoying a victory…

-She’s like that…because of him. Matt…your sweet and loving Matt…he pushed Mary-Ann from the top of the stairs…after hitting her so hard that she needed surgery…they were fighting…i remember like it was yesterday…we were there. And she was pregnant…And it wasn’t the first time…oh, no…so what are you saying to me now? At least my man didn’t try to kill his own child…

The shock was enormous…A big part of me was trying to deny…that’s a lie, isn’t it? But my intuition…

I can’t remember when she left my office. I remember that i wanted to cry and my tears just didn’t appeared…And Peter holding me…and his voice when he talked…

-It’s better to find out now…then after the marriage. And for me it’s obvious what you should do. I’m sorry…you took a shock after another…you need to rest a little. Come home…I’ll ask Maria to cook for you your favorite desert, chocolate-cherry cake…and i still have some jasmine petals…i’ll prepare you a warm bath…

-To your place? i said without thinking.

-Home. Our home…the place where you belong. You’re safe there…

I looked at him trying to guess…

-Am i safe, Peter? Or it’s just another way to make me…

He smiled.

-Let’s not go trough this tonight, ok? Stop analyzing every word i’m saying. You need to be with someone…i’m taking you home. And yes…you’re safe. But i wont promise you that i wont try…because i want you so much…

And i blocked all my thoughts. I said to myself i wanna go home

-You said something, Aly?

-Take me home…

I have a story to tell (and i wish it wasn’t real…)

“You wanna run away, run away and you’ll say

That it can’t be so,

You wanna look away, look away, but you’ll stay

Cause it’s all so close…”

(Josh Groban-“Brave”)

-Are you sure about this? he asked searching any sign that i changed my mind. We can still say no to this, it doesn’t matter, i’ll explain to her…it’s all up to you, Aly and if you’re not ready…

-I’m ready, Peter! I should had made this public a long time ago. And you heard what the officer told us…it’s safer this way. I’m not sure if i can be that brave till the end of this interview, but…

-I’ll be with you every step…i wanna hold your hand, take you in my arms, make you feel safe again…And you know what? you don’t have to be brave…just tell the story and you’ll be stronger, it’s all that matters. You carried this burden for too long…

One hour later, in Peter’s office:

Reporter: I wanna start by saying thank you to both of you for sharing this with our readers, especially you, Alicia. I know how hard it is to talk about an abuse but people need to hear. And maybe if they’ll hear it from you, that could change somebody’s life…

Me: I’m not sure how to begin…i should say that it all started like a beautiful friendship. A virtual friendship…the classic relationship that develops in a virtual world. In a game played for so many people…And it was innocent and beautiful…at first. We were chatting,  making jokes and discussing serious subjects. As friends…nothing more. I felt good about this…

R: I have to ask, did you saw any signs that he could be an abuser? Or did you ignored them?

Me: Back then everything seemed normal. The only sign that should get my attention (and i was blind to this) was his so called depression. He used to say things like his life is meaningless, nobody loves him…and later he began to tell me that i’m the only thing that keep him alive, that he cannot imagine how someone like me could care for him…i know, i should have noticed that something is wrong…

R: So, you tried somehow to save him? Giving him attention, carrying for him, showing him that he’s important? 

Me: Yes, it was stupid of me! The only thing i should have done is to tell him to find professional help. And i didn’t do that…

R: When was that this so called friendship turned into something more? Why did you accepted to meet him in reality?

Me: I didn’t, at first…but, you see, it seemed natural. Changing e-mails, giving him my fb account, using the web cam…gradually, almost without noticing, this turned into a real relationship. I had second thoughts in the moment he asked me to meet him, but he insisted, assuring me that this it’s normal, that we’re friends… I think there was the point were i should have just say no…

R: You never realized that he’s in love with you? Tell me about the moment you saw him…

Me: I think i realized but i was lying to myself. Honestly, i was feeling lonely…and in a strange way i felt safe because he was married and had children. First time i saw him it was at a coffee shop. It was strange, because we didn’t had plans to meet that day…i had just told him that i don’t feel ready and we should wait…he told me that he found me using informations from my fb account, location and other details that seemed natural to me to post there… That was the moment when i was feeling that something it’s wrong. Don’t know how to explain…the way he was looking at me…talking strange, saying things about the destiny…when we were suppose to be friends…

R: What happened after that meeting? 

Me: The bullying…cyber bullying…then it started…mail after mail…harassment on my fb account…posting poems and love quotes…jealousy crisis when i wasn’t online…phone calls in the middle of the night. I was in panic…i closed my fb acount, my skype…hoping he’ll get bored, till that day…

R: Take your time…Alicia, what happened that day? He just appeared at your door?

Me: Yes…saying that he just dropped everything to be with me…his marriage, his job…he even took money from his family…

R: You told him clearly to go back home? You assured him that you’re not interested? 

Me: Of course i did this! I even told him that i will call the Police if i’ll saw him around my home! I thought this would be enough…

R: But it wasn’t…tell me about the moment when you realized you need legal help…

Me: He was stalking me…i saw him a few times…and started to make threats…going through extremes. One day he was telling me that i lied and i deserve to suffer for his pain, the other day he changed the story, saying that i’m just a lost soul and he’ll help me to find my way…I remember exactly how he said once that this world is not the right place for “us” and that he’ll set me free from this pointless existence. That was the moment when i knew i can’t handle this alone. I called the Police…

R: I’m gonna ask you something very delicate…you told me about the emotional abuse…but was it ever something more? Physical..

Me: It was…almost…it’s hard to talk about…i tried for so long to block this memory…He didn’t get that far…i guess i was lucky…because his intentions were not to rape me…or maybe i’m lucky that i’m still alive…i don’t know…

I was shaking and my tears couldn’t stop from falling. The memories were there…like time didn’t helped at all…I looked at Peter…he took me in his arms…it felted so good knowing he’s here for me…

R: Alicia, i wanna thank you again…what you did was incredibly brave…and i don’t wanna put you trough the pain of remembering this…but is there a message that you wanna send to our readers? There may be a girl who need someone to say this to her…

Me: I wanna say that no one has the right to abuse another person. Not in real life, not in virtual world. No means no! And there’s no reason…not the sexy outfit…not the flirting…nothing at all can justify an abuse. I was blaming myself for letting things get so far…i felt anger, pain…and i realized that all this bad, negative emotions was caused only by him. It took me so much time to feel that it wasn’t my fault…i still have moments when i just…go back there…And i’m still afraid…i’m still feeling like blocked every time someone reminds me of him…It’s just not fair. And there’s something more…people have the tendency to consider that if it was not a rape, that makes things easier. It’s not like that! Emotional abuse, cyber bullying…it’s still abuse and the abusers from virtual space should be punished too…

One hour later, my place

-Peter, do you think this is enough? Do you think that will stop him? If it’s even him…or should i just close my account? I cannot go trough this again…

-The officer told us that usually going public with the story helps. Anyway, one more threat and we’re going to press charges, ok? I don’t care if it’s him or another…you’re not alone this time.

Hoping and praying that it will never be a “part II” for this story…