Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

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Wash away the pain inside…

“You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.”

(Labirinth-“Beneath you’re beautiful”)

His voice seemed to come from another world…

-Ali…did you listened to me? I mean…i don’t need an answer right now…and i don’t wanna pressure you. I’m not even sure you understood me. Just say something, it’s driving me crazy seeing you so quiet and sad…

As much as i tried to speak, the words don’t seemed to find their way out. Deep inside my mind i still hoped it’s a dream…more a nightmare…but it will end in the morning and i’ll be glad that it was only in my mind. No…he was as real as it could be. Bryce…but it couldn’t be…Not in a million years…i never would guessed that one day he’ll be standing in front of me telling me…what? He’s in love…

-Look, Bryce, i just think you’re confused…you’re tired and depressed and it’s normal to feel this way, considering what you’re going trough with little Robby…in fact, you should be there, supporting Helen…

-I am not tired or depressed! And the only one i should be with is you! Ali…this is wrong! Look at me, can’t you feel it? The chemistry between us…we could be perfect together. My marriage is long gone…Robby will get better and you and me…we could be a family. You, me and little Robby…

I couldn’t believe my own ears…

-You’ll destroy Robby’s world! Do you realize what you’re proposing me? We’re not two irresponsible teenagers…Helen loves you and she deserves an honest try from you. And Robby needs both of his parents. Together…And me…I’m engaged to Phillipe. Remember him? The guy who used to be your best friend! The one who payed for Robby’s treatment…

-He only did this to impress you, Ali! To make you accept the engagement…it’s his style…he wants something and he get what he wants! Regardless of everybody’s feelings. He alienated you from your friends…from your family! He’s pressuring you into a marriage you’re not ready for! He’s taking away, step by step, your freedom to choose, to think, to feel…

It was too much to hear…i closed my eyes trying to stop my tears. This was a fantasy too…like the other fantasy: that Bryce and Helen are my friends! They never were…so how could it hurt so much to loose something you never had? He tried to hold me in his arms but i pushed him away. No, this is not happening!

-I’m learning to love him! Day by day…i’m learning…

He seemed to accept the idea…He gave me a piece of paper.

-I’m gonna leave now. Read this, i wrote it for you…and if you ever change your mind…

All alone, i opened the letter…

I saw you in the darkness…in your sleepless night

Too tired to fight the demons around you, to frightened to search for light

He promised you love and peace of mind…and now you’re lost in the storm

There’s no dreams, there’s no hope, there’s nothing warm…


With slow, robotic gestures i started to rip the paper into small pieces, till there was nothing left to read. The poem was much longer…

I heard the door opening and there was Phillipe, staring at the little pieces of paper around me.

-What’s this?

-Nothing…Phillipe, can you hold me tight, really tight? I need to know that you love me…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, like i wanted. I smiled trough my tears thinking that he’s here…he’ll never leave me…

-Wanna talk about?

-No…

He looked in my eyes and smiled at me.

-Good choice! He’s not worthy! And, baby, next time…use the fire! Burn all the garbage and clean your mind from all the bullshit you had to hear…

-You know?

-Alicia, you still don’t realize…everything about you is important to me. I may be difficult, but i love you like no other will…You are very important to me…Now, get ready for our trip. We’re leaving early in the morning and i don’t wanna hear that you’re tired.

-No other will…

-what?

-…love you like i do…

And i meant it…i looked with sadness at the pieces of paper around me, thinking about my life and how i wanna live from now on. Pieces of my broken heart…who really cares, who really knows? Just because a few letters can be put together, forming a word…that doesn’t mean you can really read it…

The window to my soul

“Every now and then
I get a little bit helpless
And I’m lying like a child in your arms…”

(Bonnie Tyler-“Total Eclipse of the heart”)

What’s wrong with me, missing you like that…if i had more time, if you had more courage…And what’s wrong with you, not to see, not to feel the true love…You’re in my dreams every night and day…in every pray and in every breath…Mark…

-Look who’s here!

-A…li!

-My God, it’s little Robby! Bryce, you didn’t told me you’re bringing my precious little Robby here! How are you, sweetie?

-Ali, it was impossible to keep him away from you. After all, he’s repeating your name ever since you and Phillipe came to our house.

-I’m just so happy that you and Helen accepted my invitation. Where is Helen? I can’t wait to show her all the places…

-She’s shopping! Typical woman! She said you told her about a boutique…i wanted to see you and to talk to you and in an hour we’ll meet her. If that’s ok for you…

-Of course…i missed you guys. And i missed my little Robby…

-Ali, i wanted to thank you! I don’t know what you said to Helen, but she’s a different woman. She started a diet and it shows…And she’s more calm and loving. I know you talked to her on the phone…almost every day. You did a miracle to our marriage, Ali!

-No, Bryce, you did! Or…you two, together. She just needed someone to talk to…a friend, someone to tell her how beautiful she really is and how she doesn’t need to fill the empty space in her heart with food! She only need her husband’s love. But please, be sensitive to her needs…you have an amazing woman in your life and she’s madly in love with you. Just don’t let her go…

-You are an angel, Ali…if there’s anything we can do…

-Just enjoy this time here! I hope you’ll like my apartment in Nice, it’s not very big, but you’ll have privacy. And i’m offering my services as baby-sitter as well! So you two could have some time together…

-Ali…thank you! I almost forgot, we have a gift for you! It’s a lot more appropriate for you…i’m sorry if the last time i frightened you…tell me if you like it.

-Wow! It’s so beautiful? That’s me?

-Yes…looking trough a window…and seeing an angel on the other side…only that you don’t know that the window is actually a mirror showing you your soul…please, read the poem as well…

“The Window to your Soul

I see a light on your window, it’s late in the night

and i can’t see if you’re laughing or crying inside…

Locked away from the world, in the Dark Castle,

i wish i could be that knight…to rescue you…

from all the sadness and evil surrounding you…

To caress your hair and whisper in your ear

that all the danger is gone…

I see a light on your window, it’s late in the night

but i can’t see if you’re awake or lost in a dream

when He’s telling you to follow Him…”

-Bryce…that’s amazing, i really felt like this recently…now i’m overwhelmed…

-it’s just a poem…Ali, there are a few things that you need to know. It’s about Phillipe…about you and him. You don’t seems happy to me…tell me, is he treating you right? Or did he…

-No, i’m ok, Bryce, i’m just oversensitive and ever since i came back from that castle i’m having nightmares…

-What castle?

-in Lacoste…you know…i’m probably overreacting but i never felt so sick like in that place…

-Ali…did he said or do anything to you? How sick did you felt? Like poisoned? Or drugged…tell me and please be honest because it’s not too late…did he hurt you in any way? Because if he did…

Right in that moment i saw him…he probably listened the whole conversation because his eyes were like fire…

-Phillipe…

-What do you mean by hurting her?! Bryce, are you out of your mind?! Are you saying to my fiancee that i might drugged her or poisoned her…You’re the only one poisoning her mind with those foolish words…

I looked at him trying to make him calm down.

-Phillipe, please…you’re going to scare little Robby…i know you would never do something like that. It’s all that matter, right? I trust you…i think we all need to get out from this office. You said you’ll buy me ice cream…

He smiled at me, taking me in his arms. Holding me tight and kissing my hair…The feeling of being safe was so strong that i wondered how could i ever think differently. I saw myself like a scared child needing to be reassured.

-Baby, if i said i’ll buy you ice cream, you’ll get ice cream! You and Robby! This guy, Bryce…who used to be my best friend…i don’t know him anymore…And, Bryce!…we’re not done yet!

I looked for one last time at the painting…remembering Bryce’s poem…

I don’t even know sometimes if i’m awake or lost in a dream…i only know that when he’s telling me to follow him…my heart is just on a different path.

The girl who’s running to the Seashore…

“Cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.”

Avignon, Les Palais des Papes

-Welcome to the most important gothic building from Europe…under the UNESCO Patrimony…this Palace is the most safe building, made to resist to all the types of dangers…

The guide’s voice sounded in my ears like a old well know story. Me and Phillipe…we were at Avignon. He said he’s searching for the perfect castle for his princess, it sounded so romantic…but i knew it better. It is all about taking me out of Monte Carlo in weekends, to prevent me from seeing Peter. And he’s right, the best thing i can do is to avoid him, now that my nightmares are more and more rare… I need time to heal…that’s what i told to Phillipe, that’s what i said to myself in an attempt to justify my fears…

-Alicia…hope you feel alright…you heaven’t said a word since we came in the Palace.

-I was just thinking about what the guide said…i really feel safe in here.

-Baby, you’re always safe with me. And we’re going to have a beautiful dinner at my friends home. I told you about them, they have a 3 years old boy.

-That’s lovely! Are we going to stay over night there?

-No…we have the nuptial suit at Le Grand Hotel D’Avignon. We need privacy…you’ll love the view and we’ll have a private garden too.

-Looks like you thought about everything…

-Yes, princess…is my job to read your mind and make sure you’re happy. And i know what you need right now…

He leaned on me and kissed me gently. Running his fingers trough my hair, he pulled me closer to him…feeling his body, my mind was running wild…

-Phillipe, stop it…they are looking at as…

-Never, my love…i’ll never stop loving you. I have this fantasy of making love to you in a medieval castle. What do you say…think that the old Popes will be very upset with me? I’m just trying to make an angel fall in love with me…

I couldn’t stop thinking how lucky i am….how different is this relationship from any other…

Avignon, Bryce and Helen’s home

-The dinner was delicious…thank you Helen! Let me help you with the dishes, please.

-you’re so kind, Ali…i hope you and Phillipe will come often to our home, we don’t have so many friends and Robert adores you.

-your little boy is so precious! Can’t believe he felt asleep in my arms…you know, i just started to dream about having my own…

-Ali…Phillipe seems so in love…and if you want to have a baby…he’s the right guy…serious, responsible and still so passionate…

-…you’re crying? Helen…is there something wrong…please tell me, i wanna listen and help…

-is just that…we were like you…i don’t know what happened. In time…he just stopped to look at me like this…and i know i’m fat…he told me this. But i’m a woman too…i’m sorry Ali to bring this all on you…i just met you today…but i needed someone to talk to…

-Helen…you are a beautiful woman and you love him…and i know how it feels. I know how heart breaking is…

I opened my arms to give her the warmest hug…Yes, i knew all about rejection, i knew how is it to fall asleep crying because he just can’t see you…It makes you feel unattractive, depressed, ugly, unlovable…and angry. I felt so much anger and pain in my relationship with Peter…i almost forgot who i am. I became insecure…i’m still paying the price for my lack of courage. The courage to break free…

Bryce and Helen’s home, in the garden

-Ali, did you saw Helen?

-i think she’s with Robert…i heard him crying…

-can i sit here next to you, Ali? I know Phillipe would break my legs to know i’m alone in the garden with you, but…

-can i ask you something? I saw Helen crying…

-yes…all that drama. I thought of divorcing her but i’m staying for the child…other wise…

-so you don’t love her anymore? She’s feeling so alone…and she’s a beautiful woman…

-Ali…she’s the mother of my child, of course i love her…i always will love her. But sleeping with her? She’s obese! I tried to help her lose some weight but she’s eating all the sweets…I’m a man…i just can’t…

-just try to make her feel beautiful and wanted…Bryce, she has no motivation for losing weight if you keep saying that you don’t want her. When you said about divorce…it really makes me cry thinking of that beautiful little boy…

-now let me ask you something, Ali…how come that someone so sweet and lovely like yourself is dating Phillipe?

-…

-you know, right? About him…really Ali, you’re just too carrying and innocent…

Phillipe showed up and, before i could say anything, Bryce and Helen were saying good bye to us.

in our way to Le Grand Hotel d’Avignon

-what did they give to you? Everywhere you go, people are giving you things, Alicia…

-jealous?…maybe a little? i said laughing. Alright, i’ll show you…

-a painting…sure, i forgot that Bryce is painting…what is written there?

-let me see…The girl who’s running to the Seashore…is the name of the painting. It’s a girl, i think is me…dressed in a white dress running in the middle of the storm. The waves are so dramatic…it look like she’s running directly in the sea…Phillipe…this paint is giving me a feeling of…just look at the sky…is black…

He stopped the car.

-Alicia, let’s trow away the painting. I don’t like this…he was my best friend but that does not give him the right…Just give me the painting!

-No, let me look. He wrote a message for me, let me read…

-Alicia, don’t…

-“The girl who’s running to the Seashore…trying to escape the storm inside her. She should save her soul before she’ll be completely drawn into the darkness…running scared in the arms of the pain… princess and rebel at the same time…she lost the crown of dreams. Will she be able to survive in a kingdom of hopeless fears…For Alicia with all our love, Bryce and Helen”

-Alicia…that’s crazy…i don’t know what was in his mind…baby, you got tears in your eyes…

-it’s about me…and you. They were saying…i’m really afraid now, Phillipe…

-look into my eyes, my love…see any threat? It’s only love…one day you’ll be the mother of my children…and i won’t hurt you, never…please don’t lose your faith in us just because some crazy people are jealous of what we have…

Looking at the painting was like looking inside of a mirror. Sometimes we all are lost in the kingdom of hopeless fears…i have one dream left untouched by the storm…the dream that his love…our love will show me the way back to the light…