Her blue heart…

“Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible…”

(Shontelle-“Impossible”)

-Ali, you’re not yourself anymore! You dress different, you talk different…and the look in your eyes, like you’re not there anymore…What happened to you? Phillipe…i know he has something to do with this cause, ever since you came back from London, you’re a different person! Ali…you’re not listening to me…

-Look, Peter, i’m tired…so, why did you wanted to see me? To convince yourself that i’m a different person? To see me with your own eyes…you saw, now leave me alone…

I really felt tired and sad. He tried to take me in his arms and i pushed him away. No more…

-See…this is exactly what i mean! You push me away, you push everybody else away…You don’t laugh anymore, you don’t cry anymore, you’re silent and cold. Remember a year ago, we were planning Christmas and you were dancing out in the street…I took you in my arms and i said “Alicia, you’re gonna catch a cold…” and you kept dancing and you said…

-“How could i catch a cold if i’m wearing a volcano in my heart?” i said with a sad smile.

-Where’s the volcano? Where’s the passion…Ali, i’m extremely worried…i wish you just talk to me. I wish i could just see in your eyes, just one more time…

…The girl i used to be…wanna hear a story? A really sad one? About a girl who had it all? Money, a family, beauty and the love of her life…Yes, she felt in love once and he wanted her. They moved together and she dreamed of a life with him. She dreamed of children and grandchildren…Eight Christmases, that’s all she had with him. Every one had a different color. The last one was blue, like his eyes. Like her heart…

No one told her how to fix her heart. She tried…in other arms…she tried to make it right again. But her broken heart broke even more. “A blue heart is still beautiful”. That’s what she kept repeating to herself…till she couldn’t stand her own lies. And one day, he noticed…and he took her heart in his hands, he put a nice blue ribbon on and he just returned the broken gift…”Take it back, it wasn’t mine…it was never mine”…that’s what he said…Another lie, a cruel and cold lie…

The girl tried to escape from the pain inside…in the only place where she felt safe. In her own mind, in her own imagination…she felt it so real…What if…and this thought gave her wings…what if true love belongs to a virtual place? Than this man…who said “i love you”…may he be the One? If love cannot be found in real world…

Mean while in reality…someone saw her blue heart and decided he wants her. A blue heart for his own private collection. He was rich, he thought he could buy it. But her heart wasn’t for sell…it’s priceless and it only comes as a gift. “Princess, i never lose and i have every right to fight using everything and everyone to win this blue heart of yours. So, just say it, i would pay any price…your life? A child’s life? Your father’s company? Name the price and i’ll pay it!”…

She should had run away…but deep inside her heart she was a warrior and she decided to stay and defend her freedom to chose. Poor girl, so full of herself…She never knew that she’ll be the one paying the price. Her soul, her life…her freedom…

And i can’t remember if she finally gave him her heart, or if she’s still searching for someone who can fix it. All i know is that he still call her “princess” and he still says he loves her. And he’s still willing to give anything, to pay no matter how much to have her. Does this mean she’s precious? It should count for something…

-ALI! You realize you’re not saying a damn thing? Girl…if you’re not going to tell me right now what’s in your mind…

-Do NOT shout at me, Peter! Do NOT give me orders! Do you understand? I’m not your sub! If you really wanna know, i was thinking that this is my first Christmas without you…

-Awww…i’m sorry, Ali…i know, baby, it’s hard for me too. But you’re happy with your husband, right? Phillipe is treating you right? And lately, every time i see you two together, you seems so in love with him…always kissing and cuddling…

-That’s true…he’s my husband and i love him with all my heart. My blue heart…

Yeah, right…

Unbreakable

“You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain .”

(Bon Jovi-“Blaze of glory”)

The darkness and the coldness of the night broke my eyes…i was cold and i was afraid. But i had to get out of the house! Too many shadows, too many doubts and a loneliness almost unbearable. I took the long road, not knowing where my steps will lead me. I didn’t even knew where i’m going. Pretending is just a night walk…pretending that my tears are caused by the cold wind.

The road became so familiar and, before i could rationalize, i was at his door. His house, our house…eight years of picturing in my mind how i’m gonna grow old there, surrounded by children and grandchildren…My fingers touched the doorbell…Nothing…maybe he’s not even there. And it’s better this way. Why should i share my memories with him…

-Alicia…Ali…what are you doing here? Where’s Phillipe? He’s with you?

Suddenly i realized the truth…i belong to another life now.

-Hi, Peter…i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here…i started to walk and i found myself at your door. You know…my insomnia…i’m leaving now, sorry for bothering you.

He took me by my shoulders and leaded me inside. His warm hands in contact with my cold naked shoulders…i feel a shiver trough my body.

-God, Ali, you’re frozen! What was in your mind…in this silky dress with bare shoulders…you’re gonna catch a cold…i’ll get you a blanket…

-No…don’t go…can you hold me for a little while? And then i’ll go…

Without a single word, he took me in his arms, holding me tight and caressing my skin so gentle…making me melt inside. I rested my head on his chest sensing his perfume…re-living a long lost feeling. And letting my tears falling…

-Hey…Ali…what’s wrong? Something happened…he did something to you?

-no…

-Where is Phillipe? And why are you so sad, wondering around in the middle of the night? You’re getting me so worried…

I tried to catch my breath so i could say something, but my voice was like a whisper.

-He’s at a meeting…gonna stay there the whole night…and i…

I looked in his eyes, just to see if he heard me…meeting his eyes…he wanted to say something but he changed his mind…he took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears…leaned to me and in a magic moment his lips were pressing against my lips…soft and deep…turning an innocent kiss into a passion…I closed my eyes…living the moment like it were the last kiss on earth…with hunger and love…so much love.

-Peter…i wanna…

-Please…don’t go…i know it’s wrong and i should control myself better…

I stopped him from talking, pressing gently with my fingers on his lips. He kissed every finger…

-I know it’s crazy…Peter…but i want it for the last time…i wanna make love to you…one last time…

I looked at him and all the old feelings were there, in his eyes. Love, desire, passion…He lifted me in his arms…so soft and gentle, so reassuring…I felt the warmness of the fireplace and the sensations were mixing in my mind. The cold air made me tremble…for the first time since i got there i felt afraid…

-Ali…you know i wont hurt you…never…please, don’t be afraid…

I smiled at him…i smiled to myself, pulling him closer to me, giving myself to the feelings, to the pleasure, to the desire…He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss every inch of my body…touching my soul. And i felt like turning back time…eight years ago. The same innocence and the same urge to feel like i belong to him…like he and i were one body…one soul. And the intensity of the moment was strong like the eruption of a volcano and tender and sweet…like the song of a violin.

I stayed there with my eyes closed waiting for a miracle…maybe to find myself back in time…before all the madness started…when i still believed in love…His voice was so deep, touching my memories.

-I love you…after all this time…and i always will…

– It breaks my heart…Peter…why?

-why?…

-Why wasn’t i good enough? All these years i just wanted to be good enough…i never was…

The sadness in his eyes was tearing my heart apart. I saw tears in his eyes and a tremble in his voice.

-Ali…you were perfect to me. Eight years ago, when our story started, you were like a dream come true. So beautiful and innocent…so in love. With me…And in time…more i discovered you…more i realized that you’re just perfect to me. And i was afraid…

I looked at him and i only felt love. Not anger…not pain…love, only love…He continued with a strangled voice, like he was fighting his inner demons.

-…i was so afraid of loosing you…picturing in my mind the moment when you’re gonna leave me because you found someone better…And i felt like going crazy…i tried to put distance between us…hoping i’ll control better my fears. I pushed you away…till you lost every beautiful feeling for me. It burned my heart when i found out about you and Tony…but at least i had a reason to hate you…is this making any sense to you? Baby…it’s not about you…it’s about me…i was never good enough…that’s how i felt…

I searched for the right words, but all i felt was silence…overwhelming silence.

-please…say something…Ali…at least tell me you don’t hate me…

-no…i never hated you. My love…you’re still my love and you’ll always be…even in our worst moments…And tonight…you saved my life again. Peter…what am i going to do without you? I can’t…i just can’t…

He kissed my tears and held me tight till i stopped crying…till the tremble of my body melted into a warm sensation. And the darkness seemed less cold…making love in the sunrise…

The line between love and hate is so thin…Being safe or feeling frightened…starting a new life or going back in time…In the morning, all my confusing thoughts were shattered by the light of the sun. I knew i belong to another life. My life with Phillipe…

Because me and Peter…two kids building a castle of sand. The wind and the waves were stronger…destroying our dream. Peter just gave up…while I was pretending that my castle is unbreakable…

that my heart is unbreakable…

Give me something for the pain…

“I’m walking down this empty road to nowhere
I pass by the houses and blocks I once knew.

My Mama told me not to mess with sorrow
But I always did, and Lord, I still do
I’m still breaking the rules.”

(Roxette-“Crash!Boom!Bang!”)

-So…it worth it…a little scratch on my knees, a little pain in my head, a few bruises…maybe i should get hit by a car more often! Of course, i won’t be able to do the cat walk for a while, but that’s ok, i resigned anyway…and i had to be brave when that doctor (who, by the way, is behaving like i’m dying or something) decided to torture me by cleaning the wounds without anesthetic…

-I don’t know how can you make fun of this…Aly, my heart stopped when they called me…it was like a nightmare come true. I never felt more scared or lost in my entire life. The thought of loosing you…i swear…i can’t live without you. The doctor said it was a miracle…do you realize that you could be dead and i…

His eyes were filled with tears. I believed him…He was holding my hands like he was afraid that in the minute he will let me go, i’ll vanish. I felt scared too…the image of the car, the sound of the breaks, my own body on the ground and the pain…and than the hospital…they called Peter because i noted his number in case of…i did this when we were together and i forgot to change it…

-Look, Peter, i’m sorry they called you…

-No, don’t be! I love you…i realized how wrong i was, hurting you like this…now all i want is to get you out of this hospital, to take you home and start living the life that you wanna live…You and i, honey…and our house filled with children.Our kids, Aly! I wanna make your dream come true…

-Without the prenuptial agreement? Are you sure?

-I was stupid! An idiot! I tried to hurt you because i was jealous of that lawyer of yours. Phillipe…don’t know where you found this guy…his methods are barely legal. Aly, just forget about him! Come back to me, let me make you happy…

The door was suddenly open. He was standing there looking deeply concerned…

-Phillipe…

-God, Alicia, you gave me quite a scare! Never do that again! Are you alright? The doctors told me about a head trauma…

He came to me and took me in his arms, completely ignoring Peter’s presence…Then, out of the blue, he turned and looked at Peter.

-I don’t think Alicia needs you anymore, so it would be better if you leave now. Your presence here is disturbing her and i need to talk to my client in private. Do you understand? Or do i need to call security to take you out?

-How dare you? Let’s settle this right now…let’s go outside…

I started to feel panicked…and then i saw a file in Phillipe’s hand.

-What’s there? In that file…

-Nothing important, Alicia. Now it’s not the right time to do this, the doctor said you need to rest…

-Show me…i wanna see. It’s for me, right? You said you have something to show me…i remember now, but i had the accident…

-Phillipe, don’t do this! You don’t have to…she don’t need to go trough this right now…

Peter was almost bagging him…

-Give me that!

The file opened and i saw…

People said that the a picture is worth like a million words. It’s true. I saw the truth. They say the truth will set you free…i didn’t felt free. I felt like i’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Pictures of Peter…with another girl. She looked like less then 20…a model from our…no, his agency. And more pictures with more girls. And one picture…Peter and Tess, kissing…Tess…

I felt the whole world spinning around me…and then black, all black. An intense and disturbing noise from some monitor, people talking around me…a distant pain in my arm…a voice telling something about the blood pressure…

I woke up in a white bed with a nurse next to me and a smiling doctor.

-Welcome  back! You had a shock and your blood pressure was extremely high. We stabilized you and we gave you some medication for the pain. You should feel sleepy. You’re staying here over night and i’m sorry but you’re not allowed to have any more visitors. The nurse will keep you company. Do you have any pain now? Is important to tell us if you feel any discomfort.

I thanked them and i said i’m alright. I don’t have any discomfort…

Just a burning pain in my heart. Like a knife cutting me in pieces…Of course, there’s no cure for that…

I thought this love will never end…

“Rainy days never say good bye

To desire, when we are together,

Rainy days, growing in your eyes,

Tell me where’s my way…”

(Gazebo-“I like Chopin”)

The party was over…and there we were, in the pale light and the sweet sound of Chopin’s piano. After an evening full with polite words and meaningless smiles, small and empty talk, just to make everybody feel how important they are…hoping we’ll get all the support for our our new  cause. And it worked…wearing a light-blue dress and a perfect smile i was capable to make the polite conversation, ignoring the questions about my rich american fiancee (yes…someone said that and everybody took this news as real, even if i tried to deny)…

All i wanted, all i waited was to feel his arms around me. Peter’s arms…to dance with him, to touch him, to let him know he’s all i care about in the whole world. It felt so painful to pretend we’re only business partners, i could shout out loud that i’m in love…

-This evening was a complete success…ant it was all because of you, my sweet Aly. I’m so proud of you…you became such a classy business woman…

-No, Peter, it was…us. Every time we do something together, it’s just like magic. Thank you for believing in my idea and for supporting me in all these busy days. Can’t believe it’s over…

He pulled me closer to his body, kissing me softly. Magic was in the air…he looked in my eyes and i could see so much love, such a warm feeling…

-I love you…i whispered as my heart started to beat real fast…

-Aly…i have to ask you something…

I closed my eyes for one second, thinking that now is the perfect time. He’ll propose me…All my dreams will come true…a big house full with children…a backyard with a swing…

-…yes?…

-Who’s Philippe?

-…

-Aly…if you don’t wanna tell me, it’s ok. But, you know, he’s sending you red roses every day, people started to comment…they all think you’re with Matt…and it’s not good for our image on the market…

I tried hard not to cry…after all i promised myself to be stronger. The only thing he cared about was the business. And me…foolish dreams…

-I’ll tell you…Philippe is a friend of Tess. She introduced him to me and we talked a few times. Then he started to send me the roses. But why you care about this? It’s not like he’s the first guy who sends me flowers…or should i tell him to send the roses to my apartment? To avoid the comments…you know i never would do anything to affect your business…

-Now you’re being ironic…

-Not at all…i just thought you’re gonna ask me something else…

He smiled at me, looking deep in my eyes…

-Aly…i thought about something…we are so good together…maybe we should get married…what do you say?

It was not the kind of proposal i was dreaming about…but still…it was him…my only love. My eyes was filled with happy tears…

-Are you saying…you’re asking me to…Peter…you know how much i dreamed about this moment…

He continued talking like he didn’t saw my reaction. Like he had something to get off his chest…or a message to send…

-Of course…we should talk to our lawyers first…to have the prenuptial agreement ready in time. You agree with this, right, Aly? In case we’ll decide to divorce it will be much easier if we…you know, a divorce could be expensive and messy…it’s better to sign a few papers and we’re over with all the complications…

I felt like the sky was falling down over me…my knees was weakening and i felt like all the blood was drained out of me.

-Aly, honey…are you all right? Did you eat something today? Or just coffee? You’re so pale…like you’re gonna pass out…let’s seat somewhere…

I pulled myself from his arms…

-It’s over, Peter…

-What do you mean?

-We are over…so over…i can’t even look in your eyes now…i need air…i can’t breath in your presence…

-Don’t go…please, Aly…don’t leave like this…you’re not feeling good…you need to eat something and to sleep…and how do you mean we’re over…we were talking about marriage…

It was too late…i was running outside, away from him, away from this relationship that caused me so much pain…

The night was dark and cold…my tears were a painful reminder of so many other tears i cried for him…the phone interrupted my thoughts…it was Philippe…

-Hello, Alicia, sorry for calling you so late…i have a message from Tess on my cell…i think it’s for you…she say that she left Monte Carlo for a while and wish you all the best…something about an unfinished business in the US…want me to forward the message to you?

-Philippe…

-You cried? I can tell by the sound of your voice…now what happened?

-…nothing…me and Peter…we’re over, this time is for good…Philippe…can i come to your place? I need someone to hold me…i don’t think i can make it trough without you…

-You wanna spend the night with me? Are you sure? You’re more then welcomed…

I noted the address and took the first cab…thinking all the time that i’m probably crazy…searching for love in places where only madness lies ahead…

Someone’s bound to get burned…

“Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by…”

(Pink-“Try”)

A sunny morning in a beautiful day…First day from the rest of my life…my life without him. Or, should i say…my life without deceiving feelings…

The phone was ringing. Since last night…still ringing…i turned off the answering machine. I’m sure it’s him…i won’t answer. Of course, he’s worried…guilty conscience…but i’m stronger then ever before…

-Hello…

-Aly, finally…it was Liz and her voice sounded strange…Why don’t you answer the phone? Can you do me a favor, please? I feel horrible…i think i got the flu…

-So sorry, Liz…tell me, what can i do? Need anything? Can i bring you a chicken soup? God…hope she’ll say no…i have no clue how to cook…

-You’re so sweet, Aly…you’re sure it’s not too much trouble? I wouldn’t ask you, but my boyfriend is out of town, i’m here alone and i have high temperature…

-Please, Liz…just stay in bed…get some rest, the chicken soup will be ready in about an hour…i’ll bring it to you…

And now what am i doing? I never cooked…once i tried…it was painful…I should call Maria and ask her to bring me soup! But what if Peter finds out? No! I have to cook myself…let’s see…it can’t be that hard…boil the water…and i got some chicken and vegetables…but when to put them in the water?…The door bell…

I opened the door…there he was! Smiling like nothing ever happened…

-Peter…what are you doing here? I’m really busy right now…

-Can i come in? What are you doing? You’re cooking? Really? he started laughing so hard…it made me angry.

-Yes…chicken soup for Liz…she’s sick…

-And you decided to kill her? To end with her misery? he continued laughing…

-You know…i could be a great cooker…just because you never let me cook, that doesn’t mean…

-Aly, honey…last time you cooked…we ended up at emergency room…remember? And the doctors said…

-…i know…that it should be against the law for me to cook…but what they know…they were upset cause i shouted at them…but they were causing me pain…

-They were trying to help you…you were bleeding and yelling and crying your eyes out…Aly! Be careful…you’re too close to…

Too late…i was too close to the flame…i felt a burning pain on my right hand…I turned quickly…too quickly…the (what it supposed to be) chicken soup ended on the floor…boiling water…Peter grabbed me and saved me (again!) from more serious injuries…

-This is only your fault! i said with the desperation of being burned…You distracted me with your stories…I don’t even know what you’re doing here…after last night…

-Give me this hand…we need to put it under cold water…then we’ll see how serious is…

-No! Don’t touch it! It’s hurting me every time i touch it…what am i gonna do? I burned my hand! Peter…what if it’s gonna be infected…

I started to cry…He stood there with a helpless look in his eyes and an amused smile on his face.

-I could take you to the hospital…maybe they forgot about you…

-Now you’re making fun…and i’m hurting…you really don’t care at all…

He looked at me with that disarming smile…grabbed my chin and gently kissed my eyes…i was still trying to stay mad…but then he kissed my lips…slowly…gently…caressing me with his hands…

-Magic kisses…and now we’ll take care of your hand…look…it’s a small burn…for someone who plays with fire, it’s just a small price…think about that poor chicken…lying there on the floor…

I started laughing trough tears…

-God, it’s late! I promised Liz i’ll bring her soup! What am i doing?!

-Well…you’re lucky this time! I’ll call Maria…she makes such a delicious chicken soup…and i’ll ask her to go to Liz’s place…don’t want you to catch the flu…and you’re even more lucky…i’ll clean the floor for you and i’ll feed you with chicken soup…yes, you’ll eat too…you’re burned. I’ll make sure you’ll survive…

-I could get used to that…you, taking care of me…i think i’ll keep burning myself…

-That’s because you’re playing with fire… you’ll keep getting burned…

-I know…

The chicken soup was truly delicious…like the perfect medicine to heal my burned heart…I knew it from the start i’m gonna get hurt…now there’s no cure for me. I’m addicted to fire…attracted by flames…ready to get burned again.

Because love was never enough…

“It’s the king of all who live and and the queen of all good hearts,

It’s the ace you may keep up your sleeve,

Till the name is all but lost,

As deep as any sea, with the rage of any storm,

But as gentle as a falling leaf on any autumn morn

Let’s talk about love…”

(Celine Dion-“Let’s talk about love”)

He leaned over me kissing me gently on my forehead…My skin was warm from the hot bath, contrasting with the cool air. In the darkness of the night, the only light was a blue-pale shadow created by the Moon and the trembling light from a few white candles. And his shining eyes…My favorite music, the best chocolate cake, the cold wind, his hands rubbing my shoulders and my back to keep me warm…the perfect night.

-It’s really hard…i promised you i’ll be the perfect gentleman…what would you say if i’ll break the promise? Will you hate me in the morning…or maybe…just maybe…if you’ll like it enough…you’ll give me a chance…

-…are you trying to seduce me? i asked him with an innocent smile, putting my arms around him to feel his body closer.

-Actually, i’m trying to win your heart, but i’m taking a short cut…so, am i doing the right thing? I don’t want you to feel that i’m taking advantage…

-…what if i want you to take advantage…i’m in your arms…half naked…you gave me chocolate cake…you know what chocolate does to me, right?…and i’m a little cold…your hands feel so warm and exciting on my skin…

-…now you are trying to seduce me, Aly…my sweet Aly…your skin taste like chocolate…

Feeling his kisses all over my body…it was more then just lust or pleasure…it was love. I found myself responding to him, with a passion i though long lost and forgotten…i whispered his name while my body was longing to be hold…kissed…loved…

I felt scared of the intensity of that feeling, realizing that all this time when we were apart…all the struggle to move on…was pointless…and i felt scared of the intensity of that pleasure…like there never was and never will be something so perfect, so complete, so pure…

-…i love you so much, Peter…i can’t live without you…

He stopped me from talking with a deep passionate kiss…the passion that made my body melt in his arms…and created fireworks inside me. Surrendering completely to his desire…letting him feel that there’s no walls between us…no boundaries…loving him like there’s no tomorrow…

-…i don’t know how, Aly…but it was like heaven…you were wonderful…

The look in his eyes was indescribable…telling me more then words. I felt so overwhelmed…knowing that i gave him my heart…all over again…

-…hey…what’s with these tears?…god…i didn’t hurt you, did i…

-no, Peter…they are tears of joy…i felt like heaven too…i’m still feeling like that…

He kissed every tear…

-…i love your tears of joy…he said smiling to me. These are the only kind of tears you’re going to cry from now on…i’ll make sure of that…

-You love me? Can you forget all…all the pain…can you love me again? I just wanna be with you…i’ll make you happy…i know i will…i just need to know…because i’m scared to love you so much…

I felt like making a mistake…i knew how is Peter…he told me so many times how he despise any woman that is willing to bag for a man’s love. How he can’t stand this weakness…how he (like any other man, he said) likes the independent, self sufficient, strong minded woman, a woman that is worth fighting for…not a helpless princess that needs to be saved all the time…I felt stupid…He looked in my eyes with a sad smile…

-Aly, you know how i feel about you…i wanna make you happy too…maybe we’re meant to be together…i don’t know…but i know that love is not enough to make a relationship work…it’s about something more…

He was right…but in that moment my heart needed comfort and healing…his words were cutting like a sharp knife though my soul…

-Let’s go inside…it’s freezing here…he said with a gentle voice. We both need sleep…

-Peter, can you drive me home? my words just flew out of my mouth, without giving any time to think…

-What are you talking about? Aly, you are home…i want you to sleep in my arms…

-You are right, Peter. Love it’s not enough, not for us. Unfortunately, this it’s all i have to give…and i won’t pressure you anymore…i had a bad day…too many shocks…and you were here, i started to say foolish things…now i wanna go before i make a fool out of myself once more…And…Peter…you don’t even have to drive me home…i understand that you’re tired…i’ll just call a cab…By the way…the sex was great…just what i needed to get ride of all the tension…

I left…

Only in the car, on the back seat, i could let my tears falling down. The driver asked me if i’m ok, if i need any help…i thanked him and told him that i lost someone today…He understood…

Alone in my apartment…Independent, self sufficient, strong minded…Oh, yes…and heartbroken…

You’re all i need…tonight

“You might think i’m crazy
to hang around with you
maybe you think i’m lucky
to have something to do
but i think that you’re wild
and inside me is some child
you might think it’s foolish
or maybe it’s untrue
you might think i’m crazy
but all i want is you…”

(The Cars-“You might think”)

I dreamed about that for so long…your arms around me…i wanna feel like this forever…Peter…my love…when you touch me like that…this sensation is driving me crazy…

-Alicia…Aly…wake up! Are you all right? You know how late it is? You worked till now? Aly…

I opened my eyes…still dreaming. Half awake, half asleep…the sensations of me and Peter making love were very much alive. I still felt them on my body…the dream seemed so real. And now…I could feel his hand gently caressing my hair, trying to wake me up.

-Wh…what happened? Peter? I thought you left…i think i felt asleep…i said with a sleepy voice.

-It’s late…almost midnight…i saw the light and you were sleeping…i heard you talking in your sleep…

I felt like suddenly blushing.

-I can’t remember what i was dreaming…but now that you’re here, do you wanna see how much i progressed? You’ll be proud of me…

He looked deep in my eyes and smiled at me. Then he gently touched my lips stopping me from talking…

-I’m very proud…but for today your work is over…the last days you worked all the time…no break…No wonder you’re so tired. And your hands are so cold…let me get you a blanket, this dress it’s much too…

-I’m fine, don’t worry…

He founded a blanket and place it on the couch. Then, with no warning, he lifted me up, took me in his arms and lied me on the couch. Still holding me, he made himself comfortable…The couch seemed to have much to little space…i could feel his body and the beatings of his heart. And his smell…It was all so familiar, so safe and still so exciting…

-There you go! Do you feel a little warmer? Is it ok? he asked me with a deep voice, holding me close and rubbing  my shoulders.

-Peter, we shouldn’t…we just broke up…i’m so confuse when you’re…like this…

-Tell me, Aly…isn’t it better like this? Just the two of us…no lawyers…no trials…no arguments. We could be like this…and i know you wanna work here with me. I saw that spark in your eyes when you came with your great idea…by the way, you’re brilliant…Did you felt how good we are together?

-I did…and yes, i wanna work here, i just though that it would be so hard to see you…because every time we talk…

He looked deep in my eyes, then his eyes went down on my lips, back to my eyes…i felt like loosing all my resistance…Running his fingers trough my hair, his eyes were undressing me…and when he finally talked, his voice sounded incredible sexy…

-Wanna tell me about your dream? The one that made you whisper my name…i saw it in your eyes when you woke up…tell me…i wanna make it real for you…can you feel how much i want this…

He took my hand and made me feel his desire…my thoughts were running wild inside my mind…i was feeling the same need…my body was so sensitive to his caresses…his kisses on my neck…on my shoulders…

-Your skin is so soft…he whispered in my ear…i wanna kiss you all over your body…

I felt like electricity pulsing through my skin…the need of feeling him completely was taking control over my judgement. I had to stop this before it could be too late…I knew i have to say it…

-Peter…

-I love the way you’re pronouncing my name…

He felt my hesitation…He stopped for a moment, just to look at me and to kiss me passionately…

-You’re so beautiful when you’re like this…Aly…i don’t wanna stop…i need to make you mine…don’t you feel the same…your body can’t lie…just don’t say no…i can feel how much you want this…let go all the tension…i won’t hurt you…never…

I closed my eyes trying to imagine how this could be forever…not just for one night. I felt the same emotion…the same ecstasy…like when it was my first time…just the pain was different…this time i felt it deep inside my heart.

-It was incredible…don’t know how to say this, Aly, but…it was almost like…you were different…like when we started…it was so long since the last time i felt so excited…i just couldn’t stop…how could this be possible…

-Aly? Honey? Is it something wrong? Because something is changed about you…

Nothing. Everything.

Say it…like you really feel it

“Take me back in the arms I love,
Need me like you did before,
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more…”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer…his hands holding me tight, his eyes looking at me with a wild hungrly desire…I felt like melting in his arms…Then he grabbed gently my face, running his fingers trough my hair…i looked into his eyes…they were exploring my lips…He leaned and pressed his lips against mine’s, making me tremble…he softly opened my lips, using his tongue to play with my mouth…holding me so close to his body…kissing me with passion, slowly and deep…our tongues making love…Overwhelming, sweet, tender and exciting…my eyes were closed and my body was trembling…when he was letting me go, the feeling of being incomplete was too much to bare…

Why did i accepted? I knew i cannot hide what i feel…what i still feel…How did i ever agreed to see Peter? On that beach…our beach. Yes, i had all the reasons in the world. I wanted to tell him myself about me and Matt…about my decision to leave the agency…i wanted to convince him about my contract without lawyers…I was rational thinking that two people that loved each other once could take these decisions together…

And he listened to me calmly…even when i mentioned about Matt. He didn’t reacted when i told him that i want to break our agreement and leave the agency…At some point it seemed to me that his look was darker…but i said to myself that i’m imagining things…And yes, deep inside i wanted him to be jealous, to feel angry, just to see that me…that us…it’s not something meaningless…

But that kiss…

I stared at the water feeling the panic growing inside me. What am i doing? I can’t…it’s not just about me, it’s Matt…how could i do that to him?

Peter broke the silence:

-You signed a contract, Alicia, you gotta respect it. Unless you want a legal trial that can last longer that the contract itself. I understand if you don’t want to see me…we’ll find a way to avoid each other, but the contract stands…

-Peter…how can you be so cold? We just…I’m so angry with you now!

I didn’t felt anger…just pain…burning pain inside my heart.

-I’m cold? Tell me…how quickly did you replaced me? We broke up and suddenly you’re with someone else…Did you even loved me? Do you love him? Did you loved any of those guys that you slept with while we were…Just don’t make me say it!

I felt like suffocating…

-I only loved you, but you were never there for me…All i wanted was a life with you, a family. And to hear you say that you love me…

I started to cry. He lowered his voice…

-I can’t deny…i still want to hold you…i still wanna take you home…It’s hurting me to see you crying. But you talk about having a family…i can’t lie to you…i don’t see us like that…and i’m the only one to blame here…

He tried to touch me…i pushed him away and turned my back at him.

-Leave me alone, Peter. I think i hate you right now…I don’t ever wanna see you…i’m sick of being around you…do whatever you want with the contract…sue me…just don’t make me look at you again…

I heard his steps moving away and when i was sure that i’m alone i cried all my tears…

I heard my phone ringing…it was Matt. For a second i though of not answering, but…

My voice betrayed my inner torment…

-Aly, baby…what’s wrong? You’re crying…Tell me he heaven’t done anything to you cause i swear…

-No, Matt…he just don’t want to broke the contract and i have to…

-Just stay there…don’t move…i’m there in a minute…

And he was there…like he always is. He held me and wiped away my tears. And then he insisted to hear all about my conversation with Peter…and i told him what i could told.

-Aly…tell me the truth. I feel like there’s something more…like he hurt you somehow…You’re devastated and i know you…it’s not the contract…i want to hear all…

-Yes, Matt, there’s more…we…i mean he tried to…to kiss me…but i didn’t…

-Aly…you’re saying that he…He was forcing you? That bastard! I’m gonna find him and…

-No, Matt…don’t do that…it wasn’t like that…i need you to stay with me…

-I’ll never leave you…and from now on you’re not dealing with this by yourself. We’re together…we’ll find a good lawyer…please don’t cry…it’s breaking my heart to see you like this…

I smiled to him trough my tears…I reassured him that i’m ok…hoping and praying that he’ll believe me…

I made him promise me that he won’t do something impulsive…

And i said to him I love you. I said it like i really meant it. And i almost felt it…

When i look into your eyes…

“Cause i love you, but i can’t take anymore,

There’s a look i can’t describe in your eyes,

We could try, like we tried before,

Would you keep on telling me those lies…”

(Phil Collins-“Do you remember?”)

-Remember the dress i was wearing that night? White and silky, a texture so light and soft…what was the name of the designer? If we could include his creations in our presentation…i don’t know…a special guest, maybe? What do you think?

-of course i remember…i’ll never forget how lovely you looked in that dress…your dark brown hair was contrasting the light color of the dress…but your skin was softer than the texture…and you were trembling  even if the air was so warm…when you came closer i was sensing your perfume…and i couldn’t stop…i had to kiss you…

-you were so gentle and so passionate…you asked me if i’m afraid…

-…and you told me that you’re afraid of your feelings…i asked you if you are in love with me, hoping to hear you saying yes…remember what you told me?

-…that you’re all i ever dreamed about…my whole world…and then i took your hand and i made you feel my heart beating…you kissed me and the sensation was so intimate and sensual that i felt like melting inside…you kissed that little spot, behind my ear…and moved down to my neck…and i can’t remember how…but my dress was at my feet…

-…you were beautiful…and that innocent look in your eyes…when you touched me, your hands felt so unsure…like if it was the first  time you were touching a man’s body…

-…i was scared…realizing that nothing had prepare me for that night…not the books…not the movies i saw…for the first time i let myself guided by my instinct and my desire for you…and my love…but you touched me like you knew all my secrets…all my secret pleasures…the secret places…and when i felt for the first time that intensity…it was amazing…

-…at some point i thought i should stop it…but i wanted you like i never wanted any other woman before…and the thought of being the first for you was driving me crazy…i wanted that feeling…i was afraid too…you looked at me with those innocent eyes and i was wandering what you feel…was it pain…desire…but then you told me that you love me…

-…and you smiled at me…i knew right in that moment that my safe place is in your arms…and you made me feel like i’m the only woman on earth…and you told me that you want me in your life forever…

I saw the emotion in his eyes…Lying on the bed, next to him…running my fingers through his hair…touching his body gently with slow moves…

-Peter…i just wanna be like that one more time…i made so many mistakes, but deep inside i’m the same girl…you still can feel my heart…

-Your mistakes were our mistakes…maybe you’re the same girl…i’m not the same man…

-Just look in my eyes…Peter…you’ll see the same desire…the same love…i said trying desperate to find in his eyes a sign…something to hold on to…

His eyes were now cold as ice. He turned this body on the other side of the bed. His voice sounded tormented  like fighting with a feeling inside…

-It’s late, Aly, we shouldn’t got into this…good night…

I left the room with tears in my eyes, knowing that he’s right. It’s late…much too late…

And in the darkness i could find some peace of mind…because sometimes love is not enough…and i needed a closure…just to go on with the rest of my life…without him.

You know what i want…

“I know the things you wanted, they’re not what you have,

With all the people talkin’, it’s driving you mad

And if i was standing by you, how would you feel,

Knowing your love’s decided, and all love is real…”

(Guns n’Roses-Don’t cry, alternative lyrics)

-…and make sure that the balloons are NOT blue, ok?

-But they are expecting a baby boy…

-They are designers, Aly, said Peter with a big smile on his face. They don’t want blue, is overrated, they will dress the kid in black and white…

-Like a little vampire, i said laughing, can i buy, at least, a doll or a teddybear? I know they have a little girl, she’s 5…

-No dolls, no bears…maybe a Rubik cube, but no pink either… said Peter ironic. Did i said thank you for going there, Aly? You’re doing me a big favor…and i’m sorry for not being able to go with you…

-It’s ok, i like them, they are a nice family…

-They are not…did you knew that it’s going to be a divorce after baby’s birth? They already had spoken to their lawyers…

-Can’t believe it…

An hour later i was at the door, being late to a party where i didn’t even wanted to go…With three blue balloons in one hand and a doll and a teddy bear in the other hand…

-Alicia, i’m so glad you’re here! Where’s Peter? He’s coming later?

-Peter had something to do, he wishes you all the best, he’s so sorry for not being here…He told me about…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be! It’s only a divorce…and after the paternity test i’ll get a small fortune…

(too much information for me…i couldn’t hide my shock)

-I was smart enough to sign a prenuptial agreement, in my favor, of course, she said whit a mean smile. He wanted a boy, it seems like  faith was on my side, but don’t just stay there, come and sit down, Alicia, you’re a little pale…

I can’t remember what i said to get myself out of the house…The whole world was spinning around me. I needed to take a long hot shower…

Feeling the warm water running down my skin, i was imagining that all the burden goes away…i could let the tears fall with the water…they were warm and salty and, before i could even realize, i was sitting there, hot water burning my skin, hot tears burning my soul…crying like never before…I was thinking about their children, the little girl who probably wouldn’t get the doll and the teddy bear i bough for her. God, i was 5 when my parents divorced and my dad won the custody trial…i remember being moved from my home, having to speak english and french (i still can’t speak french correctly…)when all i wanted was my old room back…

I looked in the mirror, trying to hide the effects of my cry of my skin…i was going to wait for Peter, dressed like he liked…It was night and the wind was so cold…with the laptop on the bed, next to me, logging on my favorite game (who’s much more than that, i know it now)…Second Life is always the best place to dry my tears and look and act sure of myself. I was searching for a romantic place…

You seems so lonely in here, are you waiting for someone? asked the man, looking deep in my eyes…i noticed his dark hair and the black eyes, darker than the night. He was taller then me, his strong arms and that voice like a far away thunder…He took me in his arms and my body was responding without a single word…His fingers caressing my hair, touching my face, my lips…moving gently on my neck, making me tremble with unspoken desire…

– Aly, are you there? Close the laptop, there’s someone here who want to meet you! And please, hurry, he can’t stay long…

My mind was trying to follow his words. It’s Peter and we have a guest…at this hour. I felt angry, at least he could told me so i would wear something decent…

-Peter, wait, i’m going to get dressed…

-Why? Let me see you…he came in the room without any warning…you look beautiful, you can come like that, he’ll like you…I invited him in our bedroom…

I looked at him completely shocked. Part of me was still believing that this is a dream, more a nightmare…he never said nothing about something like that…

-You’re joking, right? You want to tease me…i almost believe it, you scared me a little…i said trying to smile…

-Alicia, i’m serious. Now we’ll go upstairs, don’t want to hear any comment…his voice sounded so heavy…

-No! I’m not going! You can tell him to go to hell, you know i’m not into this…

-I though you’ll like it…after all, you spend hours with strangers on Second Life, doing god knows what…Anyway, is too late. Keep your voice down and relaxe, you might enjoy it…

-NO!

-Now, you leave me no choice…saying that he lifted me up in one move…i had forgotten how strong is he. He was holding my hands so tight with an arm, i couldn’t make one move.

-You can close your eyes, if you think it will be easyer, he whispered in my ear, making my heart almost jump of my chest…

Still trembling and with my eyes closed, he lay me on the bed. I sensed a move next to me…

-Baby, please open your eyes, it’s ok…his voice was now so gentle…Give me your hands…

In my arms was now a little puppy…Eyes like olives, a little wet nose, looking so scared. I started to cry again…

-How could you? I really thought…and…you brought me a  puppy…you knew how much i wanted that…but you never agreed to this…i said with a voice that didn’t sounded mine…Peter, don’t ever do that again, this kind a game, i’m still terrified…

-You know, this little friend of mine needs a mommy. I told him that you’re the most amazing woman in the entire world and that i was a fool to neglect you like that. It’s yours if you want him…

-Peter…

-And you thought i could share you with some stranger? Like i’m crazy to do that…i feel bad only thinking that someone else could touch you…even on that stupid game you play…

And, feeling his arms around me, hearing every beat of his heart, the feeling of safety and love was overwhelming…without flirting or chatting or playing games…just us…

But how can i control this desire to go back into my virtual world? Is it addiction? And who’s going to pay the price for my madness?

(to be continued)