Say it…like you really feel it

“Take me back in the arms I love,
Need me like you did before,
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more…”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer…his hands holding me tight, his eyes looking at me with a wild hungrly desire…I felt like melting in his arms…Then he grabbed gently my face, running his fingers trough my hair…i looked into his eyes…they were exploring my lips…He leaned and pressed his lips against mine’s, making me tremble…he softly opened my lips, using his tongue to play with my mouth…holding me so close to his body…kissing me with passion, slowly and deep…our tongues making love…Overwhelming, sweet, tender and exciting…my eyes were closed and my body was trembling…when he was letting me go, the feeling of being incomplete was too much to bare…

Why did i accepted? I knew i cannot hide what i feel…what i still feel…How did i ever agreed to see Peter? On that beach…our beach. Yes, i had all the reasons in the world. I wanted to tell him myself about me and Matt…about my decision to leave the agency…i wanted to convince him about my contract without lawyers…I was rational thinking that two people that loved each other once could take these decisions together…

And he listened to me calmly…even when i mentioned about Matt. He didn’t reacted when i told him that i want to break our agreement and leave the agency…At some point it seemed to me that his look was darker…but i said to myself that i’m imagining things…And yes, deep inside i wanted him to be jealous, to feel angry, just to see that me…that us…it’s not something meaningless…

But that kiss…

I stared at the water feeling the panic growing inside me. What am i doing? I can’t…it’s not just about me, it’s Matt…how could i do that to him?

Peter broke the silence:

-You signed a contract, Alicia, you gotta respect it. Unless you want a legal trial that can last longer that the contract itself. I understand if you don’t want to see me…we’ll find a way to avoid each other, but the contract stands…

-Peter…how can you be so cold? We just…I’m so angry with you now!

I didn’t felt anger…just pain…burning pain inside my heart.

-I’m cold? Tell me…how quickly did you replaced me? We broke up and suddenly you’re with someone else…Did you even loved me? Do you love him? Did you loved any of those guys that you slept with while we were…Just don’t make me say it!

I felt like suffocating…

-I only loved you, but you were never there for me…All i wanted was a life with you, a family. And to hear you say that you love me…

I started to cry. He lowered his voice…

-I can’t deny…i still want to hold you…i still wanna take you home…It’s hurting me to see you crying. But you talk about having a family…i can’t lie to you…i don’t see us like that…and i’m the only one to blame here…

He tried to touch me…i pushed him away and turned my back at him.

-Leave me alone, Peter. I think i hate you right now…I don’t ever wanna see you…i’m sick of being around you…do whatever you want with the contract…sue me…just don’t make me look at you again…

I heard his steps moving away and when i was sure that i’m alone i cried all my tears…

I heard my phone ringing…it was Matt. For a second i though of not answering, but…

My voice betrayed my inner torment…

-Aly, baby…what’s wrong? You’re crying…Tell me he heaven’t done anything to you cause i swear…

-No, Matt…he just don’t want to broke the contract and i have to…

-Just stay there…don’t move…i’m there in a minute…

And he was there…like he always is. He held me and wiped away my tears. And then he insisted to hear all about my conversation with Peter…and i told him what i could told.

-Aly…tell me the truth. I feel like there’s something more…like he hurt you somehow…You’re devastated and i know you…it’s not the contract…i want to hear all…

-Yes, Matt, there’s more…we…i mean he tried to…to kiss me…but i didn’t…

-Aly…you’re saying that he…He was forcing you? That bastard! I’m gonna find him and…

-No, Matt…don’t do that…it wasn’t like that…i need you to stay with me…

-I’ll never leave you…and from now on you’re not dealing with this by yourself. We’re together…we’ll find a good lawyer…please don’t cry…it’s breaking my heart to see you like this…

I smiled to him trough my tears…I reassured him that i’m ok…hoping and praying that he’ll believe me…

I made him promise me that he won’t do something impulsive…

And i said to him I love you. I said it like i really meant it. And i almost felt it…

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When i look into your eyes…

“Cause i love you, but i can’t take anymore,

There’s a look i can’t describe in your eyes,

We could try, like we tried before,

Would you keep on telling me those lies…”

(Phil Collins-“Do you remember?”)

-Remember the dress i was wearing that night? White and silky, a texture so light and soft…what was the name of the designer? If we could include his creations in our presentation…i don’t know…a special guest, maybe? What do you think?

-of course i remember…i’ll never forget how lovely you looked in that dress…your dark brown hair was contrasting the light color of the dress…but your skin was softer than the texture…and you were trembling  even if the air was so warm…when you came closer i was sensing your perfume…and i couldn’t stop…i had to kiss you…

-you were so gentle and so passionate…you asked me if i’m afraid…

-…and you told me that you’re afraid of your feelings…i asked you if you are in love with me, hoping to hear you saying yes…remember what you told me?

-…that you’re all i ever dreamed about…my whole world…and then i took your hand and i made you feel my heart beating…you kissed me and the sensation was so intimate and sensual that i felt like melting inside…you kissed that little spot, behind my ear…and moved down to my neck…and i can’t remember how…but my dress was at my feet…

-…you were beautiful…and that innocent look in your eyes…when you touched me, your hands felt so unsure…like if it was the first  time you were touching a man’s body…

-…i was scared…realizing that nothing had prepare me for that night…not the books…not the movies i saw…for the first time i let myself guided by my instinct and my desire for you…and my love…but you touched me like you knew all my secrets…all my secret pleasures…the secret places…and when i felt for the first time that intensity…it was amazing…

-…at some point i thought i should stop it…but i wanted you like i never wanted any other woman before…and the thought of being the first for you was driving me crazy…i wanted that feeling…i was afraid too…you looked at me with those innocent eyes and i was wandering what you feel…was it pain…desire…but then you told me that you love me…

-…and you smiled at me…i knew right in that moment that my safe place is in your arms…and you made me feel like i’m the only woman on earth…and you told me that you want me in your life forever…

I saw the emotion in his eyes…Lying on the bed, next to him…running my fingers through his hair…touching his body gently with slow moves…

-Peter…i just wanna be like that one more time…i made so many mistakes, but deep inside i’m the same girl…you still can feel my heart…

-Your mistakes were our mistakes…maybe you’re the same girl…i’m not the same man…

-Just look in my eyes…Peter…you’ll see the same desire…the same love…i said trying desperate to find in his eyes a sign…something to hold on to…

His eyes were now cold as ice. He turned this body on the other side of the bed. His voice sounded tormented  like fighting with a feeling inside…

-It’s late, Aly, we shouldn’t got into this…good night…

I left the room with tears in my eyes, knowing that he’s right. It’s late…much too late…

And in the darkness i could find some peace of mind…because sometimes love is not enough…and i needed a closure…just to go on with the rest of my life…without him.

You know what i want…

“I know the things you wanted, they’re not what you have,

With all the people talkin’, it’s driving you mad

And if i was standing by you, how would you feel,

Knowing your love’s decided, and all love is real…”

(Guns n’Roses-Don’t cry, alternative lyrics)

-…and make sure that the balloons are NOT blue, ok?

-But they are expecting a baby boy…

-They are designers, Aly, said Peter with a big smile on his face. They don’t want blue, is overrated, they will dress the kid in black and white…

-Like a little vampire, i said laughing, can i buy, at least, a doll or a teddybear? I know they have a little girl, she’s 5…

-No dolls, no bears…maybe a Rubik cube, but no pink either… said Peter ironic. Did i said thank you for going there, Aly? You’re doing me a big favor…and i’m sorry for not being able to go with you…

-It’s ok, i like them, they are a nice family…

-They are not…did you knew that it’s going to be a divorce after baby’s birth? They already had spoken to their lawyers…

-Can’t believe it…

An hour later i was at the door, being late to a party where i didn’t even wanted to go…With three blue balloons in one hand and a doll and a teddy bear in the other hand…

-Alicia, i’m so glad you’re here! Where’s Peter? He’s coming later?

-Peter had something to do, he wishes you all the best, he’s so sorry for not being here…He told me about…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be! It’s only a divorce…and after the paternity test i’ll get a small fortune…

(too much information for me…i couldn’t hide my shock)

-I was smart enough to sign a prenuptial agreement, in my favor, of course, she said whit a mean smile. He wanted a boy, it seems like  faith was on my side, but don’t just stay there, come and sit down, Alicia, you’re a little pale…

I can’t remember what i said to get myself out of the house…The whole world was spinning around me. I needed to take a long hot shower…

Feeling the warm water running down my skin, i was imagining that all the burden goes away…i could let the tears fall with the water…they were warm and salty and, before i could even realize, i was sitting there, hot water burning my skin, hot tears burning my soul…crying like never before…I was thinking about their children, the little girl who probably wouldn’t get the doll and the teddy bear i bough for her. God, i was 5 when my parents divorced and my dad won the custody trial…i remember being moved from my home, having to speak english and french (i still can’t speak french correctly…)when all i wanted was my old room back…

I looked in the mirror, trying to hide the effects of my cry of my skin…i was going to wait for Peter, dressed like he liked…It was night and the wind was so cold…with the laptop on the bed, next to me, logging on my favorite game (who’s much more than that, i know it now)…Second Life is always the best place to dry my tears and look and act sure of myself. I was searching for a romantic place…

You seems so lonely in here, are you waiting for someone? asked the man, looking deep in my eyes…i noticed his dark hair and the black eyes, darker than the night. He was taller then me, his strong arms and that voice like a far away thunder…He took me in his arms and my body was responding without a single word…His fingers caressing my hair, touching my face, my lips…moving gently on my neck, making me tremble with unspoken desire…

– Aly, are you there? Close the laptop, there’s someone here who want to meet you! And please, hurry, he can’t stay long…

My mind was trying to follow his words. It’s Peter and we have a guest…at this hour. I felt angry, at least he could told me so i would wear something decent…

-Peter, wait, i’m going to get dressed…

-Why? Let me see you…he came in the room without any warning…you look beautiful, you can come like that, he’ll like you…I invited him in our bedroom…

I looked at him completely shocked. Part of me was still believing that this is a dream, more a nightmare…he never said nothing about something like that…

-You’re joking, right? You want to tease me…i almost believe it, you scared me a little…i said trying to smile…

-Alicia, i’m serious. Now we’ll go upstairs, don’t want to hear any comment…his voice sounded so heavy…

-No! I’m not going! You can tell him to go to hell, you know i’m not into this…

-I though you’ll like it…after all, you spend hours with strangers on Second Life, doing god knows what…Anyway, is too late. Keep your voice down and relaxe, you might enjoy it…

-NO!

-Now, you leave me no choice…saying that he lifted me up in one move…i had forgotten how strong is he. He was holding my hands so tight with an arm, i couldn’t make one move.

-You can close your eyes, if you think it will be easyer, he whispered in my ear, making my heart almost jump of my chest…

Still trembling and with my eyes closed, he lay me on the bed. I sensed a move next to me…

-Baby, please open your eyes, it’s ok…his voice was now so gentle…Give me your hands…

In my arms was now a little puppy…Eyes like olives, a little wet nose, looking so scared. I started to cry again…

-How could you? I really thought…and…you brought me a  puppy…you knew how much i wanted that…but you never agreed to this…i said with a voice that didn’t sounded mine…Peter, don’t ever do that again, this kind a game, i’m still terrified…

-You know, this little friend of mine needs a mommy. I told him that you’re the most amazing woman in the entire world and that i was a fool to neglect you like that. It’s yours if you want him…

-Peter…

-And you thought i could share you with some stranger? Like i’m crazy to do that…i feel bad only thinking that someone else could touch you…even on that stupid game you play…

And, feeling his arms around me, hearing every beat of his heart, the feeling of safety and love was overwhelming…without flirting or chatting or playing games…just us…

But how can i control this desire to go back into my virtual world? Is it addiction? And who’s going to pay the price for my madness?

(to be continued)

I was once like you are now…

“But take your time, think a lot

Think of everything you’ve got,

For you’ll still be here tomorrow

But your dreams may not…”

(R. Keating-“Father and son”)

Sometimes, people are like songs…the good ones never get old. There are rythms that could last only a summer, but what a lovely summer…And songs that can last a lifetime and they keep comming back to your heart when you least expect it…

It was one of those days when everything you do is not enough…The foto shooting went from bad to worst, like a never ending nightmare. Of course, when i said that nothing can go wrong anymore, one of the models just had a nervous breakdown. Enough is enough i said to myself, looking at the sunny sky…And in the middle of this desaster, i fund myself smilling. Thinking of that beautiful stranger from my virtual world…

-You seems so distracted today…noticed Peter as we were driving home

-Not really, just a little tired (and sad, and sick, and bored, and annoyed…), i think i need a break…

-A break? But you never stop…and, by the way, is a long time since i saw you so relaxed during a crisis situation…

(I don’t care…i wish i could runn away…i’m always so damn strong that some day i might believe my own lies…)

My silence made him realise that i wasn’t even listening to him. He looked at me with a shocked expression:

-I’m starting to believe that you think of someone else…You’re so absent that i may think you’re inlove. Some avatar from that stupid game? You’re tired because you hang out with those…never mind. I know exactely what you need: shopping…Let’s go and find some nice things to wear…

He stoped the car. Loosing myself in the crowd was really helpfull. Maybe he’s right…this is my life, forget all and go shopping…

I bought two lovely dresses, the textures like silk, the colors looked natural and it felt so good talking, smilling, concentrating on simple things. I was about to leave the mall, when i could feel that someone is watching me. Instinctively i turned my had on that direction. A nice old woman (or should i say, a lady) was looking on my dresses, on me, back on my dresses…I smiled at her, encouraging her to come closer.

-My dear, how are you going to wear those dresses? They reveal a lot…You know, some things you better keep for your man…

I smiled again, while she continued:

-You look like a model, maybe not so skinny like the fashion demands (she’s right! i don’t have the anorexic look). I was one too, in my youth years (yes, her features were still beautifull, regardless the years). Beauty is not forever…you, youngs, talk about having fun all the time, when you’ll be like me this fun will be so meanningless…If you got a good man, keep him, start a family with him…look at my son, still single…

Someone interrupted her, taking her gently by her shoulders. Could he be the single son of her’s? i asked myself still fascinated by the speach…

-Please, excuse my mother, i hope she was not disturbing too much…it’s a delicate age…sometimes she say upsetting things, but she has a good heart…

I assured him that speaking to his mother was interesting and refreshing. They left, saying good bye in a perfect british way…

And for a moment, i though about the choices i made so far…wishing i could have them both: a ballad for a lifetime and the rythm from a lovely summer…

Maybe you’re just blind…

“Well, somewhere in this darkness there’s a light that i cant see,

Maybe its too far away

Or maybe i’m just blind…”

(3 Doors Down-“Love me when i’m gone”)

The yellow light from the 2’nd floor was so bright, suggesting that Peter was reading something. He always had this habbit of reading till late in the night, and then falling asleep on that couch…My favourite part of the house was a small room, more a bedroom then anything else, with nothing but a big and confortable bed, big windows and a scent of roses…Yes, it brings back all those sweet memories from our first month of relationship…Now, after few years, this room was not used anymore…

I layed on the bed, dreaming away, my laptop next to me. I was going to check my emails when i remenbered (with a sad smile) that talk from my office, about Second Life. The account was created, i just needed 10 minutes to choose an avatar and start playing. The game seemed easy to me, all intuitive…My avatar looked gothic, pale, big black eyes on white skin…nothing attractive about her. My ego was shouting out loud, i couldn’t play that way…The minutes just went by, a half hour, a whole hour and the avatar looked completely changed. And choosing clothes, what a joke, i do that all the time…is boring this game, i said to myself…

-Honey, i’m going to bed, are you coming too? You’re working at this hour?! Peter was standing in front of me, his blonde hair looking sand-colour in the pale light. He was an atractive man, looking more like 35 than over 40, with his dark blue eyes and that sexy smile.

-It’s not work, i heard about a game and i was trying to see how is it…i said trying to look as innocent as i could be. Nothing important, i’ll come in a minute.

-Let me see that game…(at this point i think i was blushing a little), so…you play Second Life?

-I just started, is a funny game with funny avatars. Some of them were writting to me, they are all nice telling me wellcome…

-I know all about that. Liz (my friend from the office) was calling me today to tell me that you’re about to do a foolish thing…

-Like playing a computer game? God, Peter, you dont mean that, right? She’s messed up with that stupid cyber-love of hers, i said furious. Anyway, i’ll talk to her, he’s unbelievable calling you like that…

-So, you didn’t even thought about having a relationship there, right, honey?

-Not in a million years, you’re all i need, i said smilling at him and running my fingers thru my hair (i knew that he can’t resist me when i do that). Look, if that’s a problem for you, i’ll just close my account. But it will be a shame, i didn’t even had the chance to see how to play this…

-No, it’s ok, you should at least check on that game…

-And you wont be jelous if i talk to another man? Or if i dance with him? It could be pretty romantic, i said, teasing him. Maybe you should make sure that i’ll be faithfull…i said pulling his body closer to mine’s and letting my dress slipping down on the flour…

-Aly, you know about the casting…I’ll get up early in the morning to arrange that location. It was a hard day…just come and get some sleep.

-Sure, just 10 minutes more…i said hiding my dissapointment. You go ahead…

-Good night…and, Alicia, i meanted what i said about Second Life, just dont do anything stupid there…

And i didn’t…What seemed to be a game, it’s actually a wonderfull adventure into a virtual world, a world made by human imagination and build on hopes, dreams and expectations. When words are all you have, you have more that you may think…And i’m here to tell you my story, my journey into a imaginary place, a place that can change real lifes…

(to be continued)