Just tell me a lie…

“I know i promised baby i would be the one who makes our dreams come true

I ain’t to proud of all the struggles and the hard time we’ve been trough

But when this cold world comes between us,

Please tell me you’ll be brave,

Cause i can realize the danger

When forgiveness fades away…”

(Bon Jovi-“Lie to me”)

Back to his place, i was trying to figure out a way to explain to myself all the crazy things and all the rushed decision i made lately…

-You should stay here the rest of the day…

-I can’t Tony…is already late and Peter must be worried. And my cell…

-I threw it away…i wish i could do the same with Peter…and Liz and Tess…and the agency where you waste all that energy…

-What about me? My past? My pictorials? And my dreams…you wish to throw away my own life too?

-Now you’re being melodramatic, Isabel…You’ll forget all about this sad life once we’ll get married…

-I don’t wanna forget…Sometimes, Tony, i feel like you’re a stranger who doesn’t even know me at all…I gotta go now.

I was furious…realizing how wrong i was…how could i made this confusion…Love is much more then sexual attraction…

-No. I wont let you go. I wanna spend the whole day with you and that’s what we’ll do. I know you want it too…

I looked at him with sadness…

-No, i don’t. It’s over…once i’ll go out that door we are history…

I must shocked him because he was starring at me without a word…out of sudden, i saw him standing in front of me, looking with a cold expression…

-Listen to me careful, Isabel…it’s not over till i say it is. I’ll open the door for you because i don’t wanna do something i’ll regret later. Do you understand? Good…Now go and get some sleep, you’re being irrational…

I tried to keep myself brave, but i was in panic…I runned down the stairs and couldn’t stop running till i was close to home…i didn’t felt safe until i was inside…

Peter came running to me, his eyes showed how worry he was…he took me in his arms and held me close like he wanted to make sure i’m real…

-Aly…i was so worried…are you ok? i almost called the police…

-I was with…

-Don’t say this…don’t do it…i already talked to Tess. She tried to cover up your story, but…

-Peter…i have to tell you something. It’s about me…i did something and now i can’t go back and make things right…

-Aly…i can’t go through that with you. Not again…I wont stand here to listen to you telling me that you’re in love with someone else and that you wanna be with him…

-No, i’m not in love…i made a terrible mistake…i’m sorry…it’s all over and if you can forgive me…

He saw the tears in my eyes…it was like we were back in time three years ago…back to the place and time that changed us forever…

-I love you, Aly, but i can’t trust you. I don’t wanna know who is he or for how long is this going on. I want you to try, to really try to respect what we have, even if it’s not enough for you…

I saw so much pain in his eyes, so much hurt…i did this…and it’s a pattern that can only destroy our lifes…i did this once again to us…

-Liz was right…i don’t deserve you, Peter…

-Now…tell me that you’re back and that you love me…i don’t wanna hear nothing else…

-I love you. I’m with you and only with you…nobody else…i never left you and i never loved other man…

He smiled to me, a sad and lonely smile and in that moment i sword to myself that i’ll never do that again…

And i lied to myself saying i’ll be ok…that Tony was nothing but an affair…that i’m happy it’s over…But deep inside i keep dreaming…and deep inside i still live the perfect romance…

Or, at least, i’m still searching…

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A place i could call home…

“Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud,

Their piercing sounds try to fill me with doubt,

But i know that the goal is to keep me from falling,

But nothin’s greater that the rush that comes with your embrace

And in this world of loneliness i see your face,

Yet everyone around thinks that i’m going crazy…”

(Leona Lewis-“Bleeding love”)

Six in the morning…on a lazy Saturday…after two hours of sleep…but what a beautiful dream…outside it was still dark and my mind was trying to find the source of that song…is it in reality? My phone keep singing to me my favorite song…with my eyes still closed and a restless feelling, i answered:

-Hello…

-Isabel…it was his voice…

-What…is it something wrong? Tony, is 6…i started to feel the panic thinking that he may be hurt..

-Yes, something is very wrong…you’re not with me…i could not sleep the whole night thinking you’re there, with him…is he sleeping next to you?

-Tony…i said still dizzy from the early wake-up…no…i told you…i’m in my bedroom…

-I need to see you, i want to take you to an empty beach and make love to you there…on the cold sand…

-Now? You want to see me now? But i can’t leave the home…what will i tell to Peter?

-Get dressed…i’m in front of the house…and wear the perfume i like…and he hung up.

Maybe i’m going crazy…i said to myself as i was getting dressed…the old me would never accepted something like that…but he was there…I wrote a note to Peter saying i’m going to see Tess, an emergency…I rushed to the door…the air was cold…i started shivering…

-I love this perfume on your skin…his arms were around me, making me feel warm, his breath on my neck made me tremble…he looked deeply in my eyes…holding me close to him…his kiss made me feel so complete, like that’s all i was waiting for…

-Tony…

-Just keep dreaming…amore…i’ll take you to a special place…in his car was so warm…i felt my eyes closing…

The fresh air woke me…i was wandering how long was the road…i felted the salty air on my skin…

-Where are we? i asked without any fear in my voice. In that moment i trusted him with my life…

-I wont tell you…so you can’t go back…he smiled at me and my heart melted…

He took me in his arms and started to slowly undress me…the cold morning made me tremble while the desire of being his was warming me inside…

-I want to see the sun rise with you…i said to him and he helped me to lay on the sand. The sea water was touching my skin with every wave…my heart was beating so fast…

-You belong to me…his voice so tender…touching me deep inside my soul…his body becoming one with mine’s…

We made love there, on the cold sand…it was passionate and it was beautiful…

-I saw the sun in your eyes…my voice didn’t sounded the same…

-You’re the only sun i wanna see…ever…

I closed my eyes, trying to take every sensation deep inside my mind…i wanted to stay there forever…i knew it can’t be…

My phone started to sing again. Peter’s number…he probably woke up and found the note.

-Is it him?

-Yes…i have to go home…

-You are home. With me, in my arms…this is your home…i wont let you go back to his house…

-I wish things could be that simple…

-They are…i’ll simplify it for you…

And, with one move, he took the phone from my hand and threw it away…in the sea…

-No more calls…no more of him…you’re only mine…

And i didn’t said a word…i knew that he’s right…my heart belongs to him even if ¬†my whole existence is somewhere else…

There are choices in life that can give you a sense of liberty…my choices are not like that…

They just take me to a place that i’m searching for so long…

Home…is it in his arms? Or i’m just going crazy…

Don’t wanna be myself no more…

“See, i was on the verge of breaking down,

Sometimes the silence can seem so loud,

There are miracles in life i must achieve

But first, i know, it starts inside of me…”

(R.Kelly-“I believe i can fly”)

The sound of gentle warm rain touching the windows…

“I think that’s the sound of Heaven…” i said smiling to him. He looked deep in my eyes and played with his fingers trough my hair…holding me so close to him…the satin sheets felt cold on my skin but the feeling of his warm body was unbelievable, almost like a dream come true…

Tony’s place was small but i felt more like home there then in the big house i was living. He was there…in that moment that was all that i cared about…I came there to tell him that our affair it’s over, i planned to hurt his feelings, to make him feel the pain that he made me go trough before, at my office…my wounded pride, my ego…One look, one touch, one word and all my plans were abandoned…and i abandoned myself to that warm feeling of being his…

-I love you…his words were fulled with pain…bringing tears in my eyes…Please, Isabel, bella mia, i just need to hear you saying that…I can’t stand this…knowing how it could be…it’s driving me crazy…

-I…i’m sorry…i felt my tears running down on my skin, touching his body…

-It’s about before? I couldn’t hurt you, i wouldn’t…but lately i feel so angry knowing you’re with him…

-I’m not…i moved from our bedroom, we don’t sleep together anymore. You’re the only one…

His eyes were telling me all i needed to hear…He started kissing me again…tasting the salty tears on my face…

-It looks like every time i see you, i make you cry…and you make me lose my mind…there’s only one thing we should do about that…

-I know what it is…i said touching him and feeling his desire for me…

-Well, that too, but i was thinking of something else…and it’s not just because i’m so excited now…i want you…not just to make love to you or to see you from time to time…i want you all the time…will you marry me?

My heart was about to explode…all my dreams…childhood dreams…about the Prince Charming…and all my dreams about the perfect relationship…could it be truth…could i have that…

-Think about, bella, a fresh start…we would move from here, we could start a small business together, in Italy. It’s a lovely place to raise our children…away from here. You could leave all behind, all the sad memories…

I looked at him with sadness…

-You want me to change my life…to renounce to all i am right now…you want me to be somebody else…

-Is that so wrong, Isabel? Do you really like your life now? Be honest to yourself…

-Do you really like me for who i am? Or do you want me to completely change all of me? Cause’ i can’t do that, Tony…it’s not fair…not for me and not for you…you cannot love me for who you think i could be…

He interrupted me with a deep and passionate kiss.

“Don’t talk…just feel…i wanna make love to you…don’t think about anything else…you’re here and i wont let you go…” he whispered in my ear making me feel like there’s no way back to reality…

And i made love to him…and he made love to me…or to the person he thinks i would became…i know about his dreams…to a point they are my dreams too…but will he ever want to know who i am beyond that point?…

In my dreams i say to him: i love you…

In his dreams…he just loves somebody else…

And i wish…i only wish…that for a magic moment…i could be that girl he’s dreaming about…

Can you really play this game?

“Well, in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see…

This is my heart, bleeding before you,

This is me down on my knees…”

(Jewell-“Foolish games”)

The door slammed…Standing alone, in my office, i was remembering every word i said to her. It was not the first time when a model’s contract ended suddenly. She was wrong, she knew that…but still she left the office crying. And i was the one who told her the bad news…great job, i said to myself…

I heard a move and steps into my office…

-I don’t think there’s something more to discuss. I did all i could…this situation was difficult enough…i said thinking that she came back…

-You got that right! that familiar voice made me drop the papers i was holding in my hands…

-Tony, how did you get in?

-You never answered my calls, or my emails…And then that strange message from you, telling me that “this was a mistake…”. Tell me you didn’t mean that, Isabel…

He seem sad, confuse, lost…

-I’m sorry, Tony…it was amazing, but it was wrong…i try to make things right again with Peter and it’s not the moment to start something new…

-So, you used me? You were upset and you wanted some company…i was good to satisfy you but not good enough to be taken seriously? Of course…how could i imagined…

His voice became cold as he looked at me with anger. A few steps back and he locked the door…then he came closer, much to close to my body…i could feel his breath on my neck as he started to kiss me…And this time, it was nothing gentle about his touches…i felt him passionately, full with desire…

-Tony, what are you doing? I just told you…and we’re in my office…Peter should stop by any moment…

-What do you think i’m doing? his voice sounded harsh, giving me shivers…I give you what you need…

-I don’t need this! i said trying to push him away.

My moves were useless…he was pushing me against the wall, making me feel how strong and excited he was…my body responded to his touches…

-It’s my turn to play…let me show you how it feels to be used…he whispered in my ear…

-Tony, we can’t make love here…

He was busy undressing me, almost tearing my dress…he held my hands over my head, making me feel so vulnerable…i knew i had to stop him…but something inside me was unable to fight his passion…

-Baybe, who said something about love…it’s just sex, the way you wanted, right? And you better keep quiet, or your precious Peter will know all about…

Like he knew, like he felt that…Peter was knocking at the door…

-Alicia, are you in there? Open the door, there’s some paper you need to sign…

With a malicious smile, Tony let my hands…I put my dress on in half second…My breath was still so fast, my hair was ravished…

I opened the door, trying to stay as calm as i could be…

-Why on earth were you two locked in here? asked Peter

-By…by mistake…i said with an unsure voice…

Tony looked at me with cold eyes…His look was like a knife, tearing apart my heart…

-Isabel…he said calmly…why don’t you say the truth to him? Look, Peter, we were just about to have wild, hard sex in here…you interrupted us…

For a moment, i heard my heart beating. The silence was unbearable…

Peter started laughing so hard, as i was trying not to cry…

-Ok, i see…italian humour, right, Tony? You’re a little crazy…stop by the house sometimes to have a drink with us. Aly, here are the papers, read them once more, will you? And i need those documents signed in an hour…

Tony was at the door…

-I leave you two alone…it looks like you’re busy. And, Peter, maybe i’ve gave you some ideas…he said smiling ironic as he left…

Standing alone at the office i felt the weight of the world on my shoulders…So ironic…right in the moment when i was about to forgive and forget…and have a new start…

…i may never find forgiveness…i may never have a second chance…

Am I the one to blame?

“Don’t you know my tears will cause an inferno?

Romance of these flames, why should I take the blame?

You were the one who left me neglected…”

(Allure-“All cried out”)

I knew it was a bad idea ever since we had stepped in the bedroom…but his arms around me were giving me no choice. Maybe all this is only in my mind, i said to myself. He was considerate enough to help me when i felted so bad, now i’m creating a romance about that…I took the phone, determined to call Peter and let him explain all about him and Liz.

It was about that time when Tony opened the door…

-Here’s the miracle water you asked…what are you doing? calling Peter?…ok, give me that…

With a look that shouted frustration, he took the cell out of my hand, carrying me back on the bed. I looked at him, he was attractive, his body with sculpted muscles, black eyes with a childlish glimmer…of course, i knew that, but i never let myself to think that way about the people i’m working with…

-You realise we’re like in a really cheap movie? i asked him smiling. The fitness instructor come and seduces the neglected wife…

In that moment i knew for sure that i should have said nothing…He was sitting on the bed, close to me, his eyes looking on mine’s, then on my body, undressing me with those eyes…her hands touching my skin, a gentle touch on my hair…and then looking back in my eyes with a feeling of infinite desire…

-Your skin is so soft…you make me wanna kiss every inch of your body, so slowly and passionate that you’ll never feel neglected…

My heart started to beat faster as i was trying to find the words…it was so wrong…and still the attraction was so strong…i felt like melting inside…

-You want that as much as i want it…i felt his deep and passionate kiss, as his hands were exploring my body, making my desire for him ¬†increase to a point where was no turning back…

My body was so sensitive to his touch…his smell on my skin and the sensation of being his…i was trembling with desire…

-Make love to me, amore mio, he whispered as our bodies became one…moving gentle at first, then deeper and stronger, holding me, touching me, biting my lips, making me lose my senses with a pleasure that i never felted before…

My eyes were in tears…he kissed every one of them, holding me and making me feel safe and loved…

-My love…he said after all the tension was relief, what are we going to do from now on…i don’t think i can go on without you anymore…

And in that moment, laying on the bed, gently touching his body, i felt like i have all the answers…or that i have none…

I didn’t know how i felt for him, or if there was any feeling left for Peter…or how am i going to plan my life further…

I only knew that i belong to this man…and if that’s wrong…then i probably never wanna do things wright again…

Before you close that door…

“It’s not easy, nothin’ to say cause it’s already said

It’s never easy…

When i look in your eyes, then i’ll find that i’ll do fine

When i look in your eyes, then i’ll be better…”

(The Connells-’74-’75)

The smell of fresh cofee and the taste of his kisses…smiling with my eyes closed, feelling the warmth of the sun and the burning desire of being in his arms…

I woke up with this thought about how everything is going to be alright. Simple as it may seems, i was about to have the perfect sunday, all sunny and bright. The last night reminded me about the real passion…making love to Peter was always the best way to solve our differences. And the attraction is still so strong…it makes me wonder sometimes if that’s the main reason we’re still together…

The familiar sound of my cellphone interrupted me from my thinking. I realised in that moment that i’m alone in the house, Peter left me a note saying he’ll be back in a few hours. I took the cellphone…a message…My heart jumped with joy, there was Liz’s number! And, God, i miss her so much, we never had such a fight like the other day…ever since highschool…

“Alicia, stop calling me, i wont answer. Our friendship is over, think about that as your first relationship that’s broke because of Second Life…in time, i assure you, you’ll lose everything. Enjoy the game, as long as it last. And have a nice life. By the way, Peter deserve better…”

I felt like the walls are falling over me…how…what have i done…why…

The doorbell was ringing. Acting in shock i was opening without even thinking…

-Ciao, bella! said Tony whit a sparkling smile

-Tony, i completely forgot our appointment…can you come another time? Can’t do that now…

-You can’t forget your Pillates workout! I know, you want to drown yourself in that icecream bucket! I’m here to protect you from getting real fat…ma, come sei? bene? vieni qui…

He noticed that i was lost…maybe he’s the only friend i still have…

Don’t know for how long i was staying in his arms, saying nothing, just feeling that he care. Someone cares for me…

He saw the message on my cell, he already knew the story. I saw his eyes getting dark with anger, and the feeling was so good…

-That stupid bitch! She’l like 12, or what the f… is she thinking, talking to you like that! I told you, Isabel (he was the only one calling me by that name and it always melt my heart when i hear it, it reminds me of my mom…), i told you to get her out of your life!

-Maybe she’s right…maybe i wasn’t sensitive enough with her…but i didn’t mean…

-Friendship between girls…what a nonsense…Isabel, she’s after il tuo ragazzo, your man, for too long. You’re the only one who does not see that! Now, let’s throw away the garbage…

-How do you mean she’s after Peter? She’s in love with…

-With someone she met on Second Life? And he lied to her? And she’s heart broken? Yeah, right…i wasn’t born yesterday…

-You know something i don’t?

-Why do you think she’s calling him everyday? Because she cares about your relationship? Get real…

I felt like a big wall was coming out of my eyes as i finally started to put things together…a word said like by mistake, a look i caught by accident, Peter’s favorite perfume that she started to use, the calls, the run-into on every occasion, the jocks, the accidental touches on Peter’s shoulder…

My knees were getting weak…Tony helped me to sit down…i felt sick…

-Let me take you to bed (that didn’t sounded very good at the time), you almost lost your conscience before. And then i’ll call Peter to come home…

-I’m fine, i just need a glass of water…

-You’re not fine, i’m not leaving you alone, Isabel, his voice sounded so gentle, as he helped me to lay on the bed.

-Grazzie,(i only know a few italian words, that’s one of them) Tony. When you’re calling me like that, i just…

-I know, bella. For me, you are Isabel, not Aly or Alicia. And if you swear to stay here, i’ll even bring you the water you asked…

-No, stay with me, please. I can’t stay alone…i feel so tired, like after a storm…

-It’s over now, don’t think about anything…the storm is over, let me take care of you…

And, for the first time, he wasn’t right…The storm was just about to begin…

(to be continued)