In the light of the morning sun

“Steal my heart with every note you play
I pray you’ll look my way
And hold me to your heart someday
I long to be the one that you caress with
tenderness
And you don’t know
You don’t even know that I exist.”

(Toni Braxton-“Spanish guitar”)

The cold air on my skin was giving me shivers…a strange light…is it already morning? How could it be…it seemed like i only slept for a few minutes…my eyes were still closed and i could feel the traces of the tears that i cried…falling asleep crying was lately my only way…I held my breath for a moment realizing i’m not alone in the room. Someone was there, caressing my hair…for a moment i thought i’m dreaming…his strong and gentle arms holding me tight. He must sensed i’m cold…because now his hands were gently rubbing my bare shoulders, going down…

My breath accelerated while i could feel my heart beating so fast…memories came back…last night…i just wanted to erase them…For a moment i imagined myself lying there, on the big white bed, asleep, wearing that silky nightgown…i knew i’m almost naked and i could feel in his touches how much he loved seeing me like this. His body was warm and feeling him so close made me tremble inside. He kissed my closed eyes and the traces of my tears…i could feel his warm breath on my neck and i could almost sense him smiling when the goosebumps appeared on my skin.

Maybe i’m just dreaming, maybe he’s not even real…sleepy thoughts…should i open my eyes and regain my control…or should i lye there and feel…just feel…in my mind were playing different scripts…but how could i fight this pleasure…how could i struggle with my desire…because my body in his hands, under his kisses was like an violin played by an expert. And he knew…playing with his fingers, kissing, caressing…every sensitive spot of my skin…and the smell of his body…the sweet pressure…he was moving so gently, so careful not to wake me up…

Like a fantasy come true…later in the morning i’ll just pretend nothing happened…just a dream…but my body will know…My eyes were still closed…fighting the temptation of opening them…what’s the point of facing reality…he’s having the control…just like he wanted…and it was so easy to let him…just to let him…It felt like there isn’t really a choice…i didn’t really had a choice…and it felt easier just to accept his desire…

But the sensation was so real…how can i pretend anymore…it were waves of warm pleasure invading my senses…and any attempt of fighting was useless…is just too late…we’re making love…no, he’s making love and i’m just pretending i’m not there…but i feel him with all my body and soul…it’s just too much to keep inside and my tears were falling down my cheeks…He saw them…he sensed my inner struggle…cause i could feel him kissing me, touching my face with an infinite tenderness…saying it’s alright…

The silky fabric of my nightgown felt so cold on my warm skin…i could still feel my body trembling…longing to feel him again…he’s holding me so close…like he’s afraid i’ll vanish…I slowly open my eyes…the light of the morning sun is too bright and i want the darkness of the sleep back…i want my dream back…i’m just hurting inside, deep inside my heart…He’s asking me how i feel and i can’t talk…he understands. He tells me how magic it feels to hold me in the morning light…i just can’t stop crying…

His words are reassuring and his voice is so warm…telling me he never meant to hurt me…i believe him and i see the blue of the sky in his eyes. He’s kissing my hair and he’s trying to tell me something. But he just stops…i know what he feels…i can feel he’s going trough some struggles too…but what’s the point? I’m trying to tell him that i’m fine, but he knows i’m lying and he doesn’t let me speak…kissing me with a desperate passion…

Because we both know it’s over…

And we both know that no dream can come true in the light of the morning sun…

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What’s beyond control? (just another power game)

“My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free.”

(Rod Steward-“I wish you love”)

The soft music and darkness of the beach…the full moon shining above us as he gently touched my shoulders keeping them warm…the cold wind and the waves…an angry sea with the power of ravishing my lonely heart…

He looked deep in my eyes and none of us knew what to say. This time, i wasn’t afraid of the silence…this time i didn’t tried to fulfill the empty space…But the need to feel his arms around me was overwhelming and he knew that. He also knew that i just need somebody…anybody…to give me a sense of normality trough the madness i’m living in…

-I wanna tell you about my dream…the dream i’m living right now with you…Alicia…in my dream i wanna lay with you on the warm sand…i wanna feel your soft skin and your silky hair…there’s no one here, just us…between the sky and the sea…no one will know how much passion…how much desire…my body is longing to have you in my arms…to touch you and to make love to you…

-Henri…if i could…

-don’t tell me you don’t want it…i know, i saw it in your eyes…i felt it in your touch…i know you’re afraid…you’re just frightened to feel…but there’s nothing here that could hurt you…tell me, does it feel good? my fingers trough your hair…my arms holding you so tight that you cannot run away…i can feel your heart beating so fast…you’re trying so hard not to feel…but your body knows better…

-just don’t do that…Henri…i know myself…this is how the disasters starts…everything is perfect at start and i’m always convincing myself that i’m in love…and later i only cause pain and suffering…but this time, with you…i just wanna be honest…

-Ali…you don’t even know what you feel…you’re confuse, you’re tired…let go all the tension…close your eyes and allow yourself to feel…give in to this desire…it’s normal and natural…don’t fight against your inner desires…we’re still friends…i’ll still be here in the morning…we’ll say it was a dream…you cannot really control what happened in a dream…

He was holding me tight, close to his body…i knew deep inside my heart that i have to stop this…it happened too many times before. Same script…different actors. I keep making the same mistakes…confusing passion with love and loneliness with desire. Running from an abusive relationship only to jump in the next one’s arms…Only that this time i cannot pretend anymore…i cannot say like i always did: “i’m trying to fall in love…” or “i don’t know what i feel and i’m trying to find out”…This time i know exactly how i feel. I know how it feels to be in love. It’s crazy…I am in love…maybe is the wrong person, the wrong moment, the wrong time…but i feel it with all my heart. I cannot lie anymore, not to myself, not to the others. And yes…it’s a tragedy…and it’s heartbreaking… and i just wish i could erase it from my mind…

He lied me on the sand…i felt the panic of letting things go too far…

-please…don’t…i wanna go back to the hotel…

I saw it in his eyes, i saw the burning desire, the hunger…it almost frightened me…And right in that moment i realized how incredibly naive i was. Thinking i can have him as a friend, thinking he would help me without asking anything in return. The thought brought tears in my eyes. He looked at my face like it were the first time he saw me.

-…so vulnerable…so lonely and scared…Ali…you’re just so sweet…trying to fight the inevitable. When all you should do is to enjoy our passion…because i can make you feel so good…but i love this game of yours…saying no when you really mean yes…it’s alright…you only makes me want you more…feeling this tension in your body…tell me something…what will you do if i don’t stop? if i’m starting to make love to you…ignoring anything your rational mind is telling me…

-Henri…

-tell me…will you try to fight me…will you scream…will you cry, pleading with me to let you go? Or will you relax and play along…enjoying every moment even if you’re convinced that i was forcing you into this…

-no…i wont…

-what? tell me…i wanna hear the words…you wont do…what?

-i wont fight…or scream…or plead with you to let me go…i wont even cry…

-good…see? it wasn’t that hard…

-I will die. I mean it, Henri…I will just die. It’s all i want…

My words shocked him. He looked at me like he just realized what he was about to do. He stood up and helped me stand on my feet. I felt so tired…

-Ali, this isn’t funny anymore. I’m…i’m sorry. Extremely sorry…i really meant it like a game…you know i wasn’t doing anything to you, right? I would stop it…i just thought you’re playing…you know, like saying no when you really mean…But you know i would never abuse you like this. Say something…God…i feel like the worst criminal now…

-i wanna go back…

-Sure, we’ll go to the hotel right now!

-no…i mean, i wanna go back to Monte Carlo…

-it’s because of what i did…Ali…just stay a few more days…let me try to make things right…

-Nothing…nothing it’s ever gonna be right again…and you know the saddest part here? I just lost you..i just lost my only friend…

Returning to my life…with no place left to hide away or to run…And, after all…who i’m running from? We all are carrying our scars deep inside our hearts. No matter where we go…or what’s the language we speak when we shout out loud our pain…

Learning to smile

“If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night’s fears.
The star in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you, they’re a mirror.”

(Rod Steward-“I don’t wanna talk about it”)

Olympic Beach, Greece

-Here…take this one! Is bigger! Why throwing only the little white rocks in the water, when you could throw this ugly big black rock? Now, Ali, repeat after me: with this big ugly rock…

-with this big ugly rock…

-I’m throwing away…

-i’m throwing away…

-All the pain and sorrow and anger…

-all the…I can’t! I wish i could, Henri…but the pain and the sorrow are still there. I think i’ll never smile…

-You will! Not only smile, but laugh and love and feel…Ali, you made this?

-What?

-All this big water lying under the cliffs?

-Don’t be silly…it’s the sea…

-No, you don’t fool me! Taste it! It’s salty, like your tears…you cried so much that you created the sea? Please…don’t drown us, you creator of the seas!

I started to laugh again even if my tears were still running down my face. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders keeping me warm and safe. I looked into his eyes…

-Your eyes are blue…like the sea…

-and my shirt is all wet from your salty tears! And you don’t even know how to remove the white stains produced by salt! Cause you never eat salt…you’re made of sugar, my sweet girl…

-Henri…do you ever talk seriously?

-i spoke to your father…

-oh, i understand…he convinced you that i’m a spoiled rich girl, an irresponsible and a liar…and that he and Phi…

-Stop! Stop talking or i throw you in the water! Look at me, Ali…now i’m serious. I didn’t recognize your father, he’s not himself anymore. He wanted me to convince you to accept…I told him my opinion and i guess i was a little harsh to him. I told him that you’re not for sell and that he just lost my respect for him. It’s true, Ali…he wants you to accept a relationship with Phillipe, regardless of your feelings. He was even capable of threatening me if i don’t “bring” you back the next day. Like you’re an object, a doll…God, i’m still furious…

-are you going to leave me? Because of my father, and Phillipe…and all my problems. Don’t…don’t leave me, please don’t…i’m so incredibly alone…

-Ali, did you heard what i said to you? Did you listened to me? I just said that i lost my respect for your father. I never said one word about leaving you! Sometimes, Ali, i feel like i’m talking to a big child! A big crying baby…look, i brought you here, no one knows where you are…no one will find you. We’re returning to Monte Carlo only when you’re ready to face the disaster. I’m with you in this! What else do you want me to tell you? Fight your insecurities or they are going to consume you. And never argue with me, cause i can talk more and faster than you!

-Henri, i’m so grateful to you…

-Show me how grateful you really are…let’s go back to the resort…

-what do you mean? i hope you’re not suggesting…

-Again…you’re talking over me…you’ll never learn, do you? Now listen to me! I wanna see you wearing that sexy red dress…we’re going to a club to dance till morning! Understood?

-Let me tell you a secret…Henri…come closer…this game of yours, playing dominant with me…my dear…it’s not working. Cause, you know what? I know how to play it too…only that i choose not to…You see…you cannot pretend to be a lion if deep inside your heart all you want…all you desire…all you need…

-yes…don’t stop…

-…is to stay at my feet…hoping i’ll give you the chance to kiss my little finger…

He started to laugh.

-Girl, you’re dreaming!

-Now, catch me if you can! See who gets first in the room. I bet i’m faster! You can’t catch me…wolf-man!

-You’re playing with fire, little girl!

Yes, i know…

If only for tonight…

“Tengo marcado en el pecho todos los dias y el tiempo no me dejo estar aqui
Tengo una fe que madura que va conmigo y me cura desde que te conoci”

(Gloria Estefan-“Hoy”)

Predejane, Serbia

-This place is beautiful! Look, Henri, we’re surrounded by mountains! It’s so peaceful and i can see the stars…so bright in this darkness…Henri, what are you doing?

-I’m thinking…witch side of the bed should i choose? Difficult…and i asked for two beds…i guess they thought we’re such a nice couple…

-How convenient…but i always sleep on the right side! And be careful, i have nightmares and i’m talking in my sleep…so, stay away…Anyway, why did we stopped by in this place? I thought we’re gonna cross the border…

-We stopped because you, my dear, said “my whole body is in pain, i never wanna ride a motorcycle again!”. Remember? And then you said you’re hungry and thirsty and you need a shower. And ┬áthen you took out your helmet because your hair was “a disaster”. And then you…

-So untrue…i bet you planned this from the beginning! A nice motel in the mountains…a nice french bed, you and me, a romantic dinner on the terrace…with home made bread and a great home made cheese. What’s the name? kaimac…yes. By the way, i wanna eat kaimac in the morning…and i want the fresh baked bread too…

-No! Tomorrow you’re gonna eat meat, like it or not! They have pleskavita, it’s great, much tasty then any cheesburger you have ever eaten…

-I wont eat meat! You cannot make me eat meat! That’s it!

I started to laugh like i didn’t laugh for months…with Henri everything was so simple, like he was my best friend. Actually…that moment, he really was my best friend…my only friend. But do i really know anything about friendship? Or love? How could i know…when the people i trusted the most betrayed me…

-Hey! You…Earth to Alicia! The runaway girl! Yes, you! What’s with that sad face?

-Nothing…

-Look, Alicia…don’t say it’s nothing. You’re so desperate to run and hide…i cannot even begin to imagine what’s in your heart…It’s ok to cry if you feel like…what your father and Phillipe did is unbelievable…deep inside my mind i still hope you misunderstood. Tomorrow i’ll talk to your father…

-But you wont tell him where i am! Promise me! Cause if you plan to do that, i’ll go away right now. I’ll cross the mountains by myself…

-…with bare foots and a bag full of kaimac! Please take some bread with you, will you? And some meat to give it to the wolfs! So they wont eat you. You know…they are not bad…you’re just so sweet…irresistible…

-Now you’re making fun! And you’re being mean! You…wolf-man!

-What did you just said? I’m a wolf-man? Ok, there’s just one thing left to do with you, little girl! Come here, lay on the bed…give me those runaway foots of yours…i’ll give you the best foot massage in the world! By the way…you’ll need it if you wanna cross the mountains by yourself!

-Henri…

He looked at me with the most warm look i ever saw…

-yes…tell me, you like it?

-you have magic hands…I just wanted to thank you for being my friend. I’m sorry for being so difficult…

-You’re not difficult, Alicia. Can i call you Ali, like all your friends? Ok, Ali…you’re just human. What happened to you lately…all the things you told me about your relationship with Phillipe…any person would go insane…You’re one of the strongest people i ever met, but it was enough. Pain, abuses…and a father who rather sell his only child then giving away his business. No wonder you’re so scared…And i know you heard this before and it was only a lie…but this time it’s true…you’re safe with me.

-I feel safe…and completely relaxed. Henri…if i close my eyes…you wont disappear? And you wont turn into something bad…

-Now you’re talking in your sleep and you’re having nightmares! Stop talking like this or i’ll tickle you to death…good…i made you smile. Close your eyes and try to get some sleep, we have a long trip in the morning…

-you think they are searching for me? Phillipe…my father…

-i think they called the local Police, the french one, Interpol, FBI…and Secret Services! They must be crazy not to…Any man who lost you would search for you. I know i would…till the end of the world…Ali, you’re sleeping?

-almost…and you’re buying me kaimac? with…home-made bread…in the morning? cause now i’m so tired…

I thought i heard him saying something but i felt lost in a dream. The night was dark and cold…in the mountains of a country i never knew before…without any friend except for this man who, till yesterday, hated me…

…but still surrounded by Light and Love, like never before.