Would you love me?

“If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away?”

(The Script-“Oh if you could see me now”)

His warm embrace was all i needed…i used to feel this way for so many people…My friends…i used to call them “my friends” and i used to fool myself that they care…till that moment in my life when i turned my back and they did the same.

-Ali…let me take a good look at you! Still looking perfect, but something is different. Last time i saw you…i saw sadness, fear in your eyes and now…i see anger and…

-…and the feeling that i don’t care anymore. I don’t care about others, i don’t care about myself…or about love, faith, good…This is what you see, isn’t it, Ray?

-Your honesty is impressive but i have to tell you something. Ali…this feeling wont last forever. It’s only produced by pain…I’m so glad you made this appointment…i wanna help you, of course, if this is what you’re looking for…

-First of all, Ray…thank you! For clarifying things with The Police and for talking to Phillipe…our relationship changed a lot thanks to you. He understood what i felt during our first months of marriage and now we’re both trying to know each other and to fulfill each other’s expectation…Now…the reason i’m here…

-Yes…tell me what can i do for you…

-You could be a part…an important part of my project…I wanna help people by opening a Health Center…for those less fortunate. It will be small at first…and you might be working with poor abused woman and children…but i’ll do my best to give you a decent paycheck every month…

-Ali…

-Before saying no…Ray, i really need you! You are the best psychiatrist and the most talented therapist i ever knew. I can’t offer you the money you deserve, but you’re gonna be rewarded…i promise you…And i wanna talk to Gerard…and for the reserch department i think we can count on Henri…you know them, right? Please, Ray…don’t say no yet…think about…

-I wasn’t saying no…actually, i love your enthusiasm and i share it…and i would help you no matter how much you’re paying. Yes…i will, don’t look so surprised…One question…Why? Why do you complicate your life by helping abused woman and children? You could easily open a center for rich families, to provide them health care…

I kept the silence for a few moments, just to decide how much i can say…and then my heart and soul just opened in front of him.

-Because i know about every single form of abuse…from being neglected as a child and being raped as an adult…From losing my mother and losing the love of my life…from being confronted with a dominant husband and being sold by the only guy i ever trusted…from trying to kill myself and being saved by a man who dreams to call him “sir” in intimacy…by the way, i’ll never call him that way…Ray, i know everything about pain and hurt…because i experienced it too much. I’m an empty shell now…sometimes i wish i could drown myself in tears and i can’t cry anymore. And…you know what? I don’t care about myself anymore! But i care about them…about the ones who, just like myself, don’t give a damn about themselves. Do i make any sense?

He just stood there, looking deep in my eyes. I thought i saw the trace of a tear but he just looked at the ground. Then, suddenly his arms opened for me and i found myself in his arms, feeling safe and warm.

-I will help you…you will care about yourself again, you will cry again…you will feel again…Ali…even if it takes a lifetime…I’m overwhelmed now but i know for sure that i wanna be a part of your project…and a part of your life…

-Thank you, Ray…

-I have a gift for you, it was hard but i finally found it…

He took out of his pocket a small picture,  taken from a newspaper…a beautiful woman who’s eyes were my eyes…who’s hair was my hair…who’s smile reminded me of those times when i still smiled…My knees got weaker and Ray came closer to support me…

-This is…how did you…i never…

-I had to dig a lot…yes, Ali…this is your mother…look at the sparks in her eyes…Ali, you were deprived from the most precious memory a girl should have…the picture of her mother…You lost her twice…first…life took her away from you when you were just a child and second…your father decided to erase her from your mind. I can’t go back in time…but at least i can help you recover some of your memories…

I think i told him “please hold me”…and he did…Flashes came back in my mind…a lullaby, a prayer…her soft voice and a song…a warm sensation of being tucked every night…and then the loneliness of an empty room…with no toys…no pictures…no…her…a little girl crying for her mommy…and a new room filled with expensive toys, a therapist saying to my father that i have to forget in order to survive…

-Ali…breath…you’re about to pass out…

Mom…if you could see me now…would you hold me one more time? Would you forgive me for all the mistakes i made? Would you care for me even if i’m death inside? Please love me…even if i lost my way…

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I’ll never forget you

“Cómo olvidar tus locuras.
Cómo olvidar que volabas.
Cómo olvidar que aún te quiero
más que a vivir, más que a nada.”

(Enrique Iglesias-“Nunca te olvidare”)

-I give you one chance…only one…to tell me the truth! And be careful, because your life may depend on what you’re going to tell me! Start talking Alicia!

-W…what are you doing? i asked trying to regain my voice. Phillipe was staring at me with a frozen expression, his eyes unbelievably dark. His hands on my neck, feeling my pulse under his fingers. There was nothing sensual about his touch and i felt nervous, almost afraid of what he might do.

-You were playing Second Life? Yes or no!

-Y…yes…

-Even if you said you deleted the account! You are a liar…you know what i do to liars? Well, you’re about to find out…

-No…i didn’t…

-So, you have a virtual relationship, a virtual lover? My wife is cheating on me right under my eyes!

-It’s not like this…

-So, how is it? Tell me, i want details. What is it that you need and you’re not getting from me? Or, better…let’s fix this! Let me give you what you really need…

He pushed me on the bed, making me lose my balance. With precise moves, like he could read my intentions, he grabbed my hands holding them above my head and blocking my every move with his body. I felt trapped and i could sense the panic building up inside me. I felt salt tears on the corner of my eyes…

-Stop whining! I don’t wanna hear one sound and i don’t wanna feel you moving! Don’t make me hurt you, Alicia!

He grabbed my hair and kissed me like never before. Biting my lips, invading my mouth, forcefully taking control over me…I closed my eyes thinking it will be over soon…

-Open your eyes and look at me! You like it, don’t you? It must be better then virtual sex, right? Right?! Answer me when i talk to you!

-Don’t…don’t do that…just stop…please…it was enough…

-Not nearly enough, honey! When i’ll be done with you…But let’s have fun now! I wanna hear you bagging! Bag me to stop! I love the sound…

-Phillipe…please…if you’ll do this…you’ll destroy me…us…I wanna save what we still have…

For a moment i though he’s gonna hit me…i couldn’t even try to guess what’s in his mind. And then the familiar sound of the phone. He instantly got up and answered. My body was still hurting with every inch…

-You’re lucky this time! When i’ll be back i wanna see you looking decent. You’re still gonna be punished…i will think of something worthy of your misbehavior…

-Where are you going? Was it a woman? On the phone…

His laugh was sinister.

-Baby, let’s say that she will give me something you’ll never be able to…

He left. Leaving me in tears, ravished and desperate…Don’t know for how long i just stayed there, holding the pillow in my arms, incapable to think or to feel. And then i felt like suffocating…

In the darkness of the night, i felt my eyes blinded by the lights of the street. The world was spinning around me and i remembered the feeling i had when that car hit me. A few months ago…the fear of losing my life…and now all i could dream was to let it all go. Am i really afraid? Losing my life…but i lost it already…strange thoughts running in my mind. There it is…the flashing lights…it’s closer…and i wonder if someone will miss me…and i’m afraid it will hurt…Can it hurt more? I’m already teared apart, it’s only one step more…and it will be over…and i’m taking the step…

-Aliciaaaaa!

Waking up in his arms…his voice like i remember, his touch…so gentle and tender on my skin. Am i dreaming? I opened my eyes…yes, it’s Phillipe…

-Phillipe…i know i was wrong…please forgive me…

-Baby, are you hurt? You could be death…what were you thinking…princess…that’s why i won’t ever let you alone again…

He took me in his arms, holding me tight with a gentleness i thought forever lost…

-Alicia, i’m sorry for losing my temper…it will never happen again. When i left i realized…what have i done to you. I guess you weren’t ready for a life with me…and maybe i need someone more submissive…But it’s you the one i love! And you just tried to take your own life…because of what i have done.

-I hate it…

-What do you hate?

-The dominance thing…the rules and..you’re so cold sometimes…and i never felt submissive…i’m sorry…i hate to ask permission and to be punished…

-And i hate sharing you! I hate Second Life! And the people who are taking you away from me! I hate that you spend time with another man…I hate that you lied…

I looked in his eyes…i saw only pain, devastating pain…

-Can we, please, start all over again? I wanna be what you need me to be…and if you need a submissive woman…maybe i should be the one for you. I will do anything to make you happy…

-Why? After all that happened tonight? Why?

-Because you saved my life…again. And you care…and if someday i’ll die…you’ll miss me…

-Baby…that day, i’ll die with you…this is how much i love you. So, you will delete your account?

-No.

I saw his eyes getting dark again, and i hurried to continue.

-You will. Starting from now, Phillipe…my laptop it’s yours, like everything i have…like everything i am…I want you to do whatever it takes…i wont touch it again. But can you promise me…?

-Anything you want, baby…

-Promise me you wont hurt me…

For a moment, i thought i see tears in his eyes. He leaned on me and kissed me tenderly, caressing my ravished hair.

-Alicia…my sweet Alicia…how could i hurt you again? I almost lost you tonight…let’s go…a new life is waiting for us to live and enjoy it…

-Home? i asked still scared of what happened in that place…

-No…i don’t want you to remember…i don’t want you to be afraid of me…we’re going right now in Provence…i wanna take care of you, to heal your bruises and to make love to you…slowly and gentle…till you’re ready for more…

Provence…the place where my new life can start…The place where my second life ended…forever. Because my heart cannot beat in two directions at the same time…and the real me needs more…

How can i love when i’m afraid…

“When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I’ll wait for the light, I’ll wait for the sun”

(Madonna-“Rain”)

Laying in the jacuzzi…letting the hot water running down my body, while his warm hands were massaging my shoulders…i couldn’t remember the last time when i felt so relaxed. The scent of lavender oil combined with the rose petals and a glass of french champagne…I closed my eyes feeling his fingers gently touching the back of my neck…small goose bumps were forming in the warm little spot where my skin met his warm breath and his hungrily kisses…

-I forgot…

With lazy moves he moved his body so his eyes could meet my eyes…

-you forgot?

-almost…

His charming smile and the question in his eyes made him so attractive. He grabbed my chin making me look into his dark eyes…the eyes that always seems to capture my soul. He pulled me closer…

-What did you almost forgot, princess? Anything important?

-My life…before you…Who i was, what i felt…my friends…the family…they are so far away, like in another lifetime. I can’t remember myself without you…

He just smiled and kissed me with passion and hunger…creating shivers trough my body…his hands caressing and exploring…like discovering me all over again…the sensations were making me tremble…abandoning myself to him…to his desire…making love with a passion i always dreamed to live…

Opening my eyes slowly…i felt him carrying me to the bedroom, holding me close…

-How do you feel, my beauty?

-i feel…like i never want this to end…

-…happy?

-more than happy…Phillipe…i feel like meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…

He became serious…like a sudden shadow took his smile away.

-Alicia…i need to know something…do you have any regret about us? If you could turn back time…

-i would change something…the fights, the anger…we should made love instead of fighting…i feel such a fool for not recognizing the true love…But why do you ask me this? And why do you look so sad…mon amour…what’s wrong? Something i did?

He took me in his arms and kissed me.

-It’s about what you said in the morning…about signing a prenuptial agreement…i was so angry with you for proposing me something like that…i didn’t had the chance to explain what i feel…

-Phillipe…i hope you know…i only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…it’s just that my father accused me that i’m marrying you for your money…i was devastated to hear him talking like this. But why do you mention this now? I thought we’re ok…or, are you still angry with me…

-no, baby…i’m not angry…how could i be…is just that i have to tell you something…and it’s serious.

He looked at me and his eyes were so dark and cold…i couldn’t stand that look in his eyes…

-you’re scaring me…again…Phillipe, don’t look at me this way…

He held my face into his hands…making me look at him.

-Look at me. Alicia…I don’t wanna have this conversation with you again. We’re not signing a prenuptial agreement because we don’t need one. We’ll never divorce…i mean it. A marriage is over only when one of the partners is death. Do you understand me? It’s the only way a marriage should end…

I felt like falling down from the clouds. My euphoria replaced by fear…For the first time i started to see what the others were telling me all this time…maybe i don’t know him at all…

He seemed to melt seeing me so scared, trembling and with tears in my eyes. He tried to sweeten his tone.

-Baby…what’s wrong? Didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way…

-it’s just that…i wanna love you, i really do…i wanna make love to you and be faithful to what we have…and i want a family…a child. But how can i go on if i don’t trust you…Phillipe, i’m afraid…sometimes i don’t recognize you…did you listen to yourself talking? Can you even control yourself? Or do you enjoy this? Fear, sadness, hurt…is this the way you want me to feel? Seeing me shocked and frightened…does this satisfy your need to control…? Are you happy now?

-No, of course no…

-Then stop it! Imagine what’s in my heart…i got no friends, my father doesn’t speak to me anymore, i’m tired and sad…and the man i love…the man i should trust…the only one who should be by my side to protect me no matter what…is suggesting me that…that…

I couldn’t speak anymore…the hurt inside silenced me, making me hate my own weakness. When i looked at him i saw in his eyes how sorry he is…i thought i saw him crying. Or i just saw my own tears?

When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

When there’s nothing left to say…(Part I)

“For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime.”

(Nightwish-“Sleeping Sun”)

-Wake up…Alicia, princess, wake up…is late…

-nooo…let me sleep…i only slept for an hour…let the curtains down…it’s too much light…

-i have a surprise for you…but if you don’t want it…

-a surprise? for me? really? give me the surprise!

He smiled at me caressing my hair and lifting me up from the bed. Against all my protests he cared me to the window to show me the bright light of the sun.

-Now can i have it? My surprise…Phillipe…

-just like a big child! The surprise is that someone wanna see you…remember the nice lady who used to work for Peter, as cook…Maria…

I didn’t needed another word…i jumped from his arms and run to the living room. There she was! All this time i missed her so much, but i was afraid to contact her…after all, i knew she’s working for Peter…

-Maria! I’m so happy to see you! Come here to give me a big hug, i missed you so much…you came to see me…tell me, how are you? And your children? Come, sit with me…

She seemed so sad…all my cheerful mood started to dissolve itself…

-What’s wrong? Tell me…please, is it something with the children…or…

-It’s just that…Peter fired me…after being in his services for more than 20 years…Alicia, you know me, you know i’m discreet…but the way he’s treating that girl, i have a daughter that age…

-and he fired you, just like that! He’s an…

-I know i should asked you, but Sir told me it’s alright…He said that if you agree…i may work for him. Please, Alicia…

-Who’s Sir?

Phillipe started to laugh. Maria was blushing and i looked at both of them trying to guess…

-Sir Phillipe…i’m sorry…he told me to call him this way. And he deserve all the respect…i’ll never be able to thank him for this opportunity…and for paying the tuition for my children…

-No more of this, Maria. I was happy to help you, considering how much you helped Alicia during all those years with Peter. So, Alicia, what do you think? Is it alright to hire Maria?

I jumped in his arms.

-Thank you! Thank you so much, Phillipe! Of course it’s alright…

I turned to Maria.

-But first i gotta say a few things to Peter…how dare he treat you like this? You were like family to us…ok…i’m gonna take a shower, then i want a coffee and i’m going to Peter’s home…

-My love…heaven’t you forgot something?

I looked at Phillipe, trying to guess what he means by that. Then i remembered…i felt like blushing…

-I know you told me to…but it’s still hard for me. You see, Phillipe, i never asked permission for anything and it’s weird…Anyway…i’ll do it if you want me to…Is it alright to…go to Peter’s home?

-No, you’re not allowed to do that!

I never felt so humiliated  in my entire life. Especially in front of Maria…He continued very calm…

-At least not alone! I’m coming with you. Princess…you know what happened last time you was alone with him…i hope you understand that asking my permission is just for your own safety…

I nodded…still feeling weird…

Two hours later, at Peter’s house

The man who came to meet me was no more than a stranger to me…Peter, my first love…looking older, looking sick and hurt…with a wild look in his eyes and stumbling from all the alcohol he drank all night. The smell was horrible…

-A…aly…sweety, you came back like i knew you will…

He tried to touch me but i managed to put distance between us…only the thought of being touched made me tremble. Phillipe noticed how bad i feel and he took the initiative.

-Do not touch Alicia! We’re here to make sure you won’t cause problems to Maria! She’s working for me now…

-Of course, Maria…another one who betrayed me…What do…do you want more, Phillipe? You stole Maria after stealing my love…my Aly…maybe you want the house too…here’s the key…take it…is yours…

I turned away to leave when i remembered something:

-Peter, where’s Estelle?

-Who? Ohhh…the girl…my own pet…we had a little too much fun last night…i think she’s sleeping upstairs. And…no…Phillipe cannot have it! Nooooo, she’s all mine…

Phillipe took my hand leading me to the door…he wanted, just like me, to get out of that place…But how could i leave like this…

-I have a bad feeling, Phillipe…she cannot possibly sleep, is the middle of the day…let’s go upstairs…

-No, honey…you stay right here…i’m going upstairs…

The minutes seemed hours. I stood with no move, trying to ignore Peter’s babbling…about how much he loves me and how much he regrets…and how “the girl” is nothing like me…

And the image i had in front of my eyes when Phillipe came back…carrying Estelle…

-Alicia…open the door…we’re going to the hospital! Quickly!

-Whe…where…what you two think you’re doing with my girl…she’s drunk…some woman cannot deal with drinking…Aly…don’t take her from me…Aly…don’t go…stay with me…i’ll make you happy…

Leaving him there, drunk and (probably) drugged…was like leaving my past behind. I looked at Phillipe…so calm and so strong during all this…doing the right thing…

How could i not ask myself…was i blind all this time? Am i denying myself the chance to a life in happiness and peace of mind? A chance to have the family i always wanted…

(to be continued)

What’s beyond control? (just another power game)

“My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free.”

(Rod Steward-“I wish you love”)

The soft music and darkness of the beach…the full moon shining above us as he gently touched my shoulders keeping them warm…the cold wind and the waves…an angry sea with the power of ravishing my lonely heart…

He looked deep in my eyes and none of us knew what to say. This time, i wasn’t afraid of the silence…this time i didn’t tried to fulfill the empty space…But the need to feel his arms around me was overwhelming and he knew that. He also knew that i just need somebody…anybody…to give me a sense of normality trough the madness i’m living in…

-I wanna tell you about my dream…the dream i’m living right now with you…Alicia…in my dream i wanna lay with you on the warm sand…i wanna feel your soft skin and your silky hair…there’s no one here, just us…between the sky and the sea…no one will know how much passion…how much desire…my body is longing to have you in my arms…to touch you and to make love to you…

-Henri…if i could…

-don’t tell me you don’t want it…i know, i saw it in your eyes…i felt it in your touch…i know you’re afraid…you’re just frightened to feel…but there’s nothing here that could hurt you…tell me, does it feel good? my fingers trough your hair…my arms holding you so tight that you cannot run away…i can feel your heart beating so fast…you’re trying so hard not to feel…but your body knows better…

-just don’t do that…Henri…i know myself…this is how the disasters starts…everything is perfect at start and i’m always convincing myself that i’m in love…and later i only cause pain and suffering…but this time, with you…i just wanna be honest…

-Ali…you don’t even know what you feel…you’re confuse, you’re tired…let go all the tension…close your eyes and allow yourself to feel…give in to this desire…it’s normal and natural…don’t fight against your inner desires…we’re still friends…i’ll still be here in the morning…we’ll say it was a dream…you cannot really control what happened in a dream…

He was holding me tight, close to his body…i knew deep inside my heart that i have to stop this…it happened too many times before. Same script…different actors. I keep making the same mistakes…confusing passion with love and loneliness with desire. Running from an abusive relationship only to jump in the next one’s arms…Only that this time i cannot pretend anymore…i cannot say like i always did: “i’m trying to fall in love…” or “i don’t know what i feel and i’m trying to find out”…This time i know exactly how i feel. I know how it feels to be in love. It’s crazy…I am in love…maybe is the wrong person, the wrong moment, the wrong time…but i feel it with all my heart. I cannot lie anymore, not to myself, not to the others. And yes…it’s a tragedy…and it’s heartbreaking… and i just wish i could erase it from my mind…

He lied me on the sand…i felt the panic of letting things go too far…

-please…don’t…i wanna go back to the hotel…

I saw it in his eyes, i saw the burning desire, the hunger…it almost frightened me…And right in that moment i realized how incredibly naive i was. Thinking i can have him as a friend, thinking he would help me without asking anything in return. The thought brought tears in my eyes. He looked at my face like it were the first time he saw me.

-…so vulnerable…so lonely and scared…Ali…you’re just so sweet…trying to fight the inevitable. When all you should do is to enjoy our passion…because i can make you feel so good…but i love this game of yours…saying no when you really mean yes…it’s alright…you only makes me want you more…feeling this tension in your body…tell me something…what will you do if i don’t stop? if i’m starting to make love to you…ignoring anything your rational mind is telling me…

-Henri…

-tell me…will you try to fight me…will you scream…will you cry, pleading with me to let you go? Or will you relax and play along…enjoying every moment even if you’re convinced that i was forcing you into this…

-no…i wont…

-what? tell me…i wanna hear the words…you wont do…what?

-i wont fight…or scream…or plead with you to let me go…i wont even cry…

-good…see? it wasn’t that hard…

-I will die. I mean it, Henri…I will just die. It’s all i want…

My words shocked him. He looked at me like he just realized what he was about to do. He stood up and helped me stand on my feet. I felt so tired…

-Ali, this isn’t funny anymore. I’m…i’m sorry. Extremely sorry…i really meant it like a game…you know i wasn’t doing anything to you, right? I would stop it…i just thought you’re playing…you know, like saying no when you really mean…But you know i would never abuse you like this. Say something…God…i feel like the worst criminal now…

-i wanna go back…

-Sure, we’ll go to the hotel right now!

-no…i mean, i wanna go back to Monte Carlo…

-it’s because of what i did…Ali…just stay a few more days…let me try to make things right…

-Nothing…nothing it’s ever gonna be right again…and you know the saddest part here? I just lost you..i just lost my only friend…

Returning to my life…with no place left to hide away or to run…And, after all…who i’m running from? We all are carrying our scars deep inside our hearts. No matter where we go…or what’s the language we speak when we shout out loud our pain…

Stronger…

“WOMEN WHO HAVE MADE MISTAKES
ARE A LITTLE AFRAID
THEY DON’T LIKE TAKING CHANCES
SHE WILL PLAY THE WAITING GAME
SHE’S NEVER IMPRESSED BY THE MANLY ADVANCES
I KNOW I’VE JUST MET YOU
MAYBE I SHOULD KNOW BETTER
BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY
THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE THAT’S SO RIGHT”

(Tina Turner-“I don’t wanna loose you”)

-I just spoke to Brice…it’s a poem, a goth poem inspired from a medieval story. So, it’s not about you…or me! There’s no evil forces ready to take you to the darkness, my princess! Just me…more than ready to take you to bed…

I started to laugh. He was charming, as always, knowing exactly what to say to ease my tension. The hot shower made my skin warm and soft and i knew how much he loves the scent of roses from my favorite perfume…I wanted to look beautiful for him, knowing how much he’s trying to make everything perfect for me. The room was gorgeous…the modern designs combined with the medieval style, all white…

-Alicia…you look amazing…

He was in front of the door and his eyes were proving me he really mean it…he seemed fascinated and that made me feel so proud of myself…

-Wait, i’m not ready yet! I didn’t brushed my hair…

-Let me do that…it will be my pleasure…

He took the brush from my hand and held me close leading me to bed. I sit there, relaxed…he started to brush my hair and the sensation was incredible…

-You like it, princess?

-Phillipe…i feel so relaxed…i don’t even know when i felt like this in the past…i guess…never before…

-good…that’s the way you should feel…no silly painting will change that…

-i’m sorry for believing that it was about us…

-you know…when i saw that scared look on your face…you’re not afraid, aren’t you, Alicia? I want you to tell me that you trust me…

-i do…i trust you completely…i’m here…i’m still here…because of you…you know it, that night…when Peter tried to…i just wanted to die…

-don’t pronounce his name in my presence!

The sound of his voice was changed…he stopped brushing my hair and now he turned me to look directly in my eyes.

-…no, Phillipe…i want you to know something…it was not only about that night…I felt so hurt because he never tried to talk to me after that…not a single call…after eight years of relationship…and knowing how much pain he caused me…he didn’t even cared if i’m alive or dead…

-he did.

Phillipe said this in such a normal tone…i started to wonder if i heard it right…He pushed me gently against the pillow, holding my body tight and looking straight into my eyes.

-I will tell you once…and then i don’t wanna hear a single word about him. He called you many times that night…i blocked all the calls but i did send him a message…that if it will be one more call…i’ll ask for a restriction order…

All the information was too much…i felt overwhelmed. I tried to get up but he was holding me close to his body…her hands were caressing my skin an he continued to talk calmly…

-and there were a few messages as well…i erase them all…pathetic, don’t you think? but no more of this…you’re mine and i wanna make love to you…

-Phillipe…you had no right…i can’t believe what you just told me. I trusted you with my life and you lied to me like this…let me go! I’m going home right now!

He looked at my without any intention of letting me go. Holding my hands so strong, i knew i had no chance and for a moment i wondered if he could be able…but this time i didn’t felt panic…just anger.

-You will let me go right now…or you’re not man enough to have a woman without forcing her? At least Peter had an excuse, he was drunk. Yes, Peter! Did you heard me? I just pronounced his name! Now what you’re gonna do? Force me into what? I feel pity for you…you don’t stand a chance in a fair fight with me…

He released my hands and started to laugh so hard…

-And guess what! I’m not yours! Never was and never will be someone’s toy…Now why the hell are you laughing?

-Alicia…princess…you’re so beautiful when you get angry! So rebel and disrespectful…What will i do with you? I really don’t stand a chance…

-What do you mean?

-You wanna feel loved but when i love you…you want your freedom! You wanna be happy but you’re not letting the past go! You told me to let you go…but you’re still here…half naked…the most beautiful woman i ever saw in my life. Those sparks in your eyes…so much anger…so much passion…Now, my beauty…you’re in control! I’ll give you ten seconds…if you’re still here after this time…i’ll take the liberty to explore that sexy body of yours and i swear i’ll make you bag for more…

-I’ll never bag…

His words were the complete shock to my ears…My own reaction were betraying me, because in all this time…i didn’t felt any fear or any pain. I felt anger…of him, or it was the old bitterness that i collected from my relationship with Peter? I didn’t wanted to go home…i wanted to stay and explore this new feeling…my ability to go beyond the “victim stage”. It was all about having control over my emotions…

-Too late…time expired! Now don’t start to struggle or i’ll think you like some kinky role-playing…

-Phillipe…there’s no role-playing here…i want you…i want this to be right…

His kisses and the way he touched my body…with the passion and desire i dreamed about…but still so gentle, like touching the open petals of a rose…That was all the reassuring i needed. And my own responses…all the anger turned into pleasure…

There’s something i learned from all those years of feeling helpless…When you feel like a victim, you’ll only attract two kind of partners: the aggressor and the savior. And it’s very easy to confuse them…

So…what’s beyond “the victim stage”? Freedom? Love? Both?…