An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…

Advertisements

What’s beyond control? (just another power game)

“My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best, my very best
I set you free.”

(Rod Steward-“I wish you love”)

The soft music and darkness of the beach…the full moon shining above us as he gently touched my shoulders keeping them warm…the cold wind and the waves…an angry sea with the power of ravishing my lonely heart…

He looked deep in my eyes and none of us knew what to say. This time, i wasn’t afraid of the silence…this time i didn’t tried to fulfill the empty space…But the need to feel his arms around me was overwhelming and he knew that. He also knew that i just need somebody…anybody…to give me a sense of normality trough the madness i’m living in…

-I wanna tell you about my dream…the dream i’m living right now with you…Alicia…in my dream i wanna lay with you on the warm sand…i wanna feel your soft skin and your silky hair…there’s no one here, just us…between the sky and the sea…no one will know how much passion…how much desire…my body is longing to have you in my arms…to touch you and to make love to you…

-Henri…if i could…

-don’t tell me you don’t want it…i know, i saw it in your eyes…i felt it in your touch…i know you’re afraid…you’re just frightened to feel…but there’s nothing here that could hurt you…tell me, does it feel good? my fingers trough your hair…my arms holding you so tight that you cannot run away…i can feel your heart beating so fast…you’re trying so hard not to feel…but your body knows better…

-just don’t do that…Henri…i know myself…this is how the disasters starts…everything is perfect at start and i’m always convincing myself that i’m in love…and later i only cause pain and suffering…but this time, with you…i just wanna be honest…

-Ali…you don’t even know what you feel…you’re confuse, you’re tired…let go all the tension…close your eyes and allow yourself to feel…give in to this desire…it’s normal and natural…don’t fight against your inner desires…we’re still friends…i’ll still be here in the morning…we’ll say it was a dream…you cannot really control what happened in a dream…

He was holding me tight, close to his body…i knew deep inside my heart that i have to stop this…it happened too many times before. Same script…different actors. I keep making the same mistakes…confusing passion with love and loneliness with desire. Running from an abusive relationship only to jump in the next one’s arms…Only that this time i cannot pretend anymore…i cannot say like i always did: “i’m trying to fall in love…” or “i don’t know what i feel and i’m trying to find out”…This time i know exactly how i feel. I know how it feels to be in love. It’s crazy…I am in love…maybe is the wrong person, the wrong moment, the wrong time…but i feel it with all my heart. I cannot lie anymore, not to myself, not to the others. And yes…it’s a tragedy…and it’s heartbreaking… and i just wish i could erase it from my mind…

He lied me on the sand…i felt the panic of letting things go too far…

-please…don’t…i wanna go back to the hotel…

I saw it in his eyes, i saw the burning desire, the hunger…it almost frightened me…And right in that moment i realized how incredibly naive i was. Thinking i can have him as a friend, thinking he would help me without asking anything in return. The thought brought tears in my eyes. He looked at my face like it were the first time he saw me.

-…so vulnerable…so lonely and scared…Ali…you’re just so sweet…trying to fight the inevitable. When all you should do is to enjoy our passion…because i can make you feel so good…but i love this game of yours…saying no when you really mean yes…it’s alright…you only makes me want you more…feeling this tension in your body…tell me something…what will you do if i don’t stop? if i’m starting to make love to you…ignoring anything your rational mind is telling me…

-Henri…

-tell me…will you try to fight me…will you scream…will you cry, pleading with me to let you go? Or will you relax and play along…enjoying every moment even if you’re convinced that i was forcing you into this…

-no…i wont…

-what? tell me…i wanna hear the words…you wont do…what?

-i wont fight…or scream…or plead with you to let me go…i wont even cry…

-good…see? it wasn’t that hard…

-I will die. I mean it, Henri…I will just die. It’s all i want…

My words shocked him. He looked at me like he just realized what he was about to do. He stood up and helped me stand on my feet. I felt so tired…

-Ali, this isn’t funny anymore. I’m…i’m sorry. Extremely sorry…i really meant it like a game…you know i wasn’t doing anything to you, right? I would stop it…i just thought you’re playing…you know, like saying no when you really mean…But you know i would never abuse you like this. Say something…God…i feel like the worst criminal now…

-i wanna go back…

-Sure, we’ll go to the hotel right now!

-no…i mean, i wanna go back to Monte Carlo…

-it’s because of what i did…Ali…just stay a few more days…let me try to make things right…

-Nothing…nothing it’s ever gonna be right again…and you know the saddest part here? I just lost you..i just lost my only friend…

Returning to my life…with no place left to hide away or to run…And, after all…who i’m running from? We all are carrying our scars deep inside our hearts. No matter where we go…or what’s the language we speak when we shout out loud our pain…

Nothing but dust

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love…”

(Leonard Cohen-“Dance me till the End of Love”)

He took me in his arms lifting me slowly and carrying me to the bed…

-Princess…you don’t know how happy you made me showing up to my door. I miss holding you and kissing you…I miss making love to you…

-wait, Phillipe, i have something to say to you…

-later, my beauty…i think i have waited long enough…you’re always with someone else, always too busy or feeling bad…

-Phillipe, i’m here to tell you it’s over. There’s no easy way to do that, but you’ll see in time…i made the right choice.

He looked in my eyes with a calm that gave me cold shivers.

-No, baby, we’re not over. And if it’s about the company, i’ll give it back to you right now. I even thought to buy you something…i know how much you miss the model agency, so i thought i could buy it for you…you know, just to have a hobby till our baby is born..

-What you said now…it’s crazy. And no, i don’t want the company, i don’t want anything. I just want you to let me go. Completely and forever…

-princess…you know that’s not possible. I love you and i want you…you’re just confused. I know what you need…now come back in my arms and let’s make love. You’re mine, remember?

The sadness i was feeling was overwhelming. He didn’t seemed to heard me or to understand me.

-I’m in love with someone else! Do you understand now? I didn’t wanted to be cruel, but i can’t stand to be touched by you. He’s in my mind all the time…i’m sorry i had to tell you…

There was something wild in his eyes, like that night in the castle. He grabbed my hands making me feel helpless…

-Who? Never mind…i don’t believe you. And if it’s true, too bad for you! You’ll learn to love me, because i’m not letting you go, Alicia. One day, you’ll thank me for pushing things like this. You’re acting like a spoiled princess who lost a toy and now she’s angry to the entire world. But you know what? This time it’s not working! Not the tears, not the vulnerable look, not the trembling of your body…nothing! I told you once, but you forgot…i always win. What is it now? You’re afraid…so sweet…

-I’m not afraid, i’m sick to my stomach, Phillipe! Do you even know what love is? Did you ever loved anybody other than yourself? Ok, you can have me, there’s no way i can fight you…we can have sex…but love? No, monsters can’t love. And i don’t care…

-You don’t want your company back?

-No.

-I told you before…you’ll kill your father. This is his life…you take it away from him.

-So, if you care so much about my dad, give him the company. I promised him i’ll do my best in our trip and i’m going to keep my promise. Of course, you’re the boss…maybe you want me to resign right now, i’ll be happy to do it.

-Alicia, don’t…i’m sorry, baby. For everything i said before…i’m like possessed when i’m around you. I don’t know how to control myself anymore. Princess…forgive me. I agree with everything you said and if you want i’ll never touch you again. We’re breaking up if that is your choice. Look, right now i’ll return the company to your dad, ok? Just come with me in this trip…I love you too much and i need just a little more time with you. You realize that you called me “a monster”? And all i did is loving you and protecting you. Alicia, you hurt me so much…

A few weeks ago i said that everything i touch turns into dust. I was wrong. In all this time i was touching dust. Hoping, praying, lying to myself that i found true love. But dust remains dust. Always and forever…

I know you’re wrong…

“I’ve had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I’m looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it’s time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don’t just let me go”

(George Michael-“One more try”)

Lacoste, le Chateau de Le Marquis de Sade

-So…what do you think, my love? Those walls saw it all…this view is what He saw every day here. The history showed that this is the place He adored more than any other. Feel this energy in the air…Alicia, i feel so alive, so energized, i could live here! Home…

I was trying really hard to share his enthusiasm. It was a pleasant feeling to see him so happy, like a child who just opened a gift, but beyond that…I was struggling my inner storms, thinking of Mark and judging myself for kissing a complete stranger. I felt sad and abandoned and the castle seemed to made it worst. Like a dark cloud over my head…i felt a deep loneliness inside me and a sharp pain in my head. And a lack of air who got worst ever since i stepped inside the castle.

-Yes, Phillipe, it’s beautiful, even if it gives me some cold shivers…Look at those paintings and those images…can’t you feel the pain of his victims? It’s a very cold place…

-We’ll make it warm…i’m ready to make you love this place as much as i do. Come here…i have a gift for you. Close your eyes and feel this…

The touch of silk…

-A vintage dress…for me? It’s gorgeous, thank you so much…

-I want you to wear it tonight. Right now…and then i’ll show you the surprise. But first…let me see my beautiful princess dressed like she deserves…

The vintage dress was amazing. Brushing my hair, i kept repeating to myself that it’s alright. I’m oversensitive…in fact, i must be crazy…i just said “i love you” to a stranger. My God…maybe he’s having fun right now telling all to his friends. But he gave me the Medal. I looked at the necklace…no, i’m not crazy. And i have to get back to Phillipe…

-…is it ok?

He looked at me like it was the first time he was seeing me. Fascinated, amazed…i smiled to him thinking how much he loves me and how much he deserves from me to try…at least to try to feel…

-Alicia…i’m breathless…i tried to imagined this so many times…

He took me in his arms and held me so tight. I was still feeling bad but i tried to rationalize this sensation. After all…i was there with the man i supposed to love, in a castle. He tried everything to make me feel special and loved. I had no reason at all to react this way.

Two hours later, the main bedroom

-Feeling better, my love? You are so pale…

-Phillipe…the dinner was extraordinary…you brought me all my favorite food…with a touch of Provence. Even the home made chocolate that i used to eat when i was a child. And the wine…fabulous! I’m just so sorry i ruined the dinner…

-Don’t be silly, you just gave me a reason to take you to bed, my beauty…And now that you’re here in my arms is all perfect. Alicia…take off the dress. I wanna kiss you all over…and i’m gonna start with this little spot on your neck…Baby, what’s that necklace you’re wearing? The Miraculous Medal…i’m sure you didn’t had it when we left home…

He grabbed my face looking deep in my eyes. He was serious. I started to feel myself blushing and i tried, in desperation, to find a lie…

-No…someone gave it while i was waiting for you…it’s nothing, really. I forgot already…

I could see the anger growing in his eyes. My heart started to beat faster…he seemed changed, like something wild was taking control…

-Alicia, you’re the worst liar i ever met! Ok, my love…if it’s nothing…i’ll tell you what to do. Take it off and throw it away. Now! Didn’t you heard me? Or you need help? My pleasure…

He took the necklace in his hand trying to ripe it off my neck. I felt a panic and sadness like never before…

-No, Phillipe, stop it! I’ll tell you everything…just don’t break it. Please…

I started to cry, protecting the necklace with both of my hands. He stopped and lifted my face so he could see my eyes…

-I was…in the church…and it was a man who has the necklace…and i told him about my mom…and he gave it to me because he felt sorry for me. Cause i lost mine…and i was afraid to tell you cause you said not to go in the church…

I couldn’t speak anymore. My tears runned down my cheeks straight to the dress. It wasn’t about the fight anymore…i cried because my heart was so full…

-Baby…it’s alright. I’m sorry i got so angry with you. I believe you, ok? Stop crying, you’re gonna ruin the dress…Alicia…i don’t know what happened right now…i lost control. I felt that you’re acting like a spoiled child…thinking only about yourself. And me, my love? Don’t you think you hurt me a little too much? I’m only human…And i’m used to a different kind of woman. Sometimes i don’t know how to get to you…but all i do is for your own good. Try to be a little more sensitive about my requests…i don’t think is so hard…

-yes…i’m so tired…i think is the wine…i just wanna sleep…

-…you will, princess. Tell me…you wanna make me happy? But be honest now…

-you know i do…

-good…because i have something to ask you. A dream…my dream and yours too. Remember when you told me how much you want a child…my love…this is the perfect time, the perfect place…

-what do you mean?  You wanna…Here? No…i can’t…you know, i need more time…we need time…

-Alicia, i love you. It’s simple…In time, you’ll love me too…but why should we wait? We both have this dream…let’s make it happen right now…just think about…

His words were like fire in my heart. I said no…thinking all the time that i made the right decision…

Because in a place where fear and anger took the place of love…

in a place where i felt ravished by sadness and not by passion…

in a place where having a child is an expression of possession and control, and not an expression of a loving family…

No child should be conceived without love! No child should be a cure, or a bond, or a price, or a gift…or an attempt to heal my broken heart.

Just tell me a lie…

“I know i promised baby i would be the one who makes our dreams come true

I ain’t to proud of all the struggles and the hard time we’ve been trough

But when this cold world comes between us,

Please tell me you’ll be brave,

Cause i can realize the danger

When forgiveness fades away…”

(Bon Jovi-“Lie to me”)

Back to his place, i was trying to figure out a way to explain to myself all the crazy things and all the rushed decision i made lately…

-You should stay here the rest of the day…

-I can’t Tony…is already late and Peter must be worried. And my cell…

-I threw it away…i wish i could do the same with Peter…and Liz and Tess…and the agency where you waste all that energy…

-What about me? My past? My pictorials? And my dreams…you wish to throw away my own life too?

-Now you’re being melodramatic, Isabel…You’ll forget all about this sad life once we’ll get married…

-I don’t wanna forget…Sometimes, Tony, i feel like you’re a stranger who doesn’t even know me at all…I gotta go now.

I was furious…realizing how wrong i was…how could i made this confusion…Love is much more then sexual attraction…

-No. I wont let you go. I wanna spend the whole day with you and that’s what we’ll do. I know you want it too…

I looked at him with sadness…

-No, i don’t. It’s over…once i’ll go out that door we are history…

I must shocked him because he was starring at me without a word…out of sudden, i saw him standing in front of me, looking with a cold expression…

-Listen to me careful, Isabel…it’s not over till i say it is. I’ll open the door for you because i don’t wanna do something i’ll regret later. Do you understand? Good…Now go and get some sleep, you’re being irrational…

I tried to keep myself brave, but i was in panic…I runned down the stairs and couldn’t stop running till i was close to home…i didn’t felt safe until i was inside…

Peter came running to me, his eyes showed how worry he was…he took me in his arms and held me close like he wanted to make sure i’m real…

-Aly…i was so worried…are you ok? i almost called the police…

-I was with…

-Don’t say this…don’t do it…i already talked to Tess. She tried to cover up your story, but…

-Peter…i have to tell you something. It’s about me…i did something and now i can’t go back and make things right…

-Aly…i can’t go through that with you. Not again…I wont stand here to listen to you telling me that you’re in love with someone else and that you wanna be with him…

-No, i’m not in love…i made a terrible mistake…i’m sorry…it’s all over and if you can forgive me…

He saw the tears in my eyes…it was like we were back in time three years ago…back to the place and time that changed us forever…

-I love you, Aly, but i can’t trust you. I don’t wanna know who is he or for how long is this going on. I want you to try, to really try to respect what we have, even if it’s not enough for you…

I saw so much pain in his eyes, so much hurt…i did this…and it’s a pattern that can only destroy our lifes…i did this once again to us…

-Liz was right…i don’t deserve you, Peter…

-Now…tell me that you’re back and that you love me…i don’t wanna hear nothing else…

-I love you. I’m with you and only with you…nobody else…i never left you and i never loved other man…

He smiled to me, a sad and lonely smile and in that moment i sword to myself that i’ll never do that again…

And i lied to myself saying i’ll be ok…that Tony was nothing but an affair…that i’m happy it’s over…But deep inside i keep dreaming…and deep inside i still live the perfect romance…

Or, at least, i’m still searching…