My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

Advertisements

Sometimes Angels cries too

“Tell me that I’ve got it wrong
Tell me everything will be okay
Before I fall
Tell me they’ll play my songs
Tell me they’ll sing the words I say
When darkness falls…”

(Tom Dice-“Me and my guitar”)

a few hours earlier

-So, what do you wanna know, my sweet Belle?

-Everything…

-Her name is Angella…she was beautiful, smart and sweet, just like you…First time i saw her i thought she’s an angel. And i was 20, just finishing my first year in the Catholic Seminary. Yes, don’t look so surprised, i felt like i found my true calling, to serve God with my whole being…And i was so wrong…Anyway, i met her, i felt in love like crazy and i left school, trying to build a life with her. And for a few weeks i was so happy, i thought i found my Heaven. And when she left me…

-What happened…why…if you were so in love…

-She realized she needs more in life than love, my love…She got tired of living in poverty, always missing one thing or another…And she found someone who can give her everything. End of story! And i went to medical school in an attempt to heal myself by healing others…

There were so many things i wanted to say to him…seeing him so hurt it was more than i could take. My eyes were filled with tears…I wanted to shout out loud “She never truly loved you, Mark! I love you, look at me…”, but he seemed lost there, in the past. I needed him, i needed his strength cause i felt lost too…

-Mark…

-I’m sorry, Isabel, i shouldn’t have said all these things to you…but you found her picture and i feel like i need to be always and completely honest to you. It’s over…Angella is a part of my past, you and me…us…

-Everything i know about love, about true love…i learned from you. I never felt so free, so protected, so beloved…like i’m with you. I love you, Mark, in my heart i’m yours and all i want…i wanna be yours completely…

Maybe my insecurities were leading me to this point, maybe my own desires took control over my mind…I touched his face and gently touched his lips with my fingers. He kissed my fingers…and tried to say something, then changed his mind. Pulling me closer to him, he started to kiss me with an unleashed passion. I started to unbuttoned his shirt kissing every inch of his body…He leaned me gently on the bed and, with slow moves, started to explore…My body was responding in ways i never knew i can feel, so eager to feel him becoming a part of me…

And suddenly he stopped…He looked at me with a sadness beyond words.

-Isabel…this is wrong, you know it…

-No…i want you…i need you, Mark..please…make love to me…i love you…

He looked deep into my eyes and i felt lost again. When he spoke, he sounded so serious…

-Belle, i love you too. But that can’t change reality…and the reality is that you’re married and maybe one day you’ll regret our relationship. You have never experienced this kind of life…and it’s not fair…maybe you’ll decide that you belong to the world you left behind…

-No, Mark, never! You’re so wrong and you don’t realize! I belong to you…your world is my world…i’m not scared of hard work or poverty. I’m only scared that you love her! I’m not Angella…i’m not that smart and beautiful and sweet! I’m imperfect, i make a lot of mistakes and i made a huge one marrying Phillipe…But i know i love you in a way she never did!

I realized too late that i was shouting. He walked toward the door…

-I think we both need time to calm down. I’m really sorry, Isabel and i wanna leave before i’ll say anything else…i’ll be back in an hour, ok?

after a few hours

-Our first fight? He asked smiling, like a child who got caught…

-No, Mark…my first prove of insanity. Forgive me for yelling at you…i really have no right. These are just my insecurities and my fears. It seems like i have a problem with rejections…

-My sweet Belle…only a fool would reject you…and i pretend to be smart…i was wrong and insensitive. I’m insecure too…i never imagined being with someone like you, i still feel is a dream…Tell me once again!

-Yes, Mark! I’ll go with you to Africa! I would go with you to the end of the world! I’m letting all behind and i wanna help you with the orphans you told me about.

-Are you sure, Isabel? You don’t need more time to think? After all…we were preparing to go to Eastern Europe and the new came out of the blue…

-Why should i need time? You said something to me once: anywhere in this world…where is pain and we can help…remember? So, is Kenya, right? They need our help…the children and the young adults living in shelters and orphanages. Let’s go to Kenya, Mark!

-Did anybody told you how amazing you really are? Isabel…i love you…

-Together…Mark…the only way i can be amazing…is being with you.

…even if deep in my heart i know, i feel…you still love her…And it doesn’t matter…as long as i can look in your light blue eyes…as long as i can hear you saying i love you…as long as i have something to hold on to…