Her blue heart…

“Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible…”

(Shontelle-“Impossible”)

-Ali, you’re not yourself anymore! You dress different, you talk different…and the look in your eyes, like you’re not there anymore…What happened to you? Phillipe…i know he has something to do with this cause, ever since you came back from London, you’re a different person! Ali…you’re not listening to me…

-Look, Peter, i’m tired…so, why did you wanted to see me? To convince yourself that i’m a different person? To see me with your own eyes…you saw, now leave me alone…

I really felt tired and sad. He tried to take me in his arms and i pushed him away. No more…

-See…this is exactly what i mean! You push me away, you push everybody else away…You don’t laugh anymore, you don’t cry anymore, you’re silent and cold. Remember a year ago, we were planning Christmas and you were dancing out in the street…I took you in my arms and i said “Alicia, you’re gonna catch a cold…” and you kept dancing and you said…

-“How could i catch a cold if i’m wearing a volcano in my heart?” i said with a sad smile.

-Where’s the volcano? Where’s the passion…Ali, i’m extremely worried…i wish you just talk to me. I wish i could just see in your eyes, just one more time…

…The girl i used to be…wanna hear a story? A really sad one? About a girl who had it all? Money, a family, beauty and the love of her life…Yes, she felt in love once and he wanted her. They moved together and she dreamed of a life with him. She dreamed of children and grandchildren…Eight Christmases, that’s all she had with him. Every one had a different color. The last one was blue, like his eyes. Like her heart…

No one told her how to fix her heart. She tried…in other arms…she tried to make it right again. But her broken heart broke even more. “A blue heart is still beautiful”. That’s what she kept repeating to herself…till she couldn’t stand her own lies. And one day, he noticed…and he took her heart in his hands, he put a nice blue ribbon on and he just returned the broken gift…”Take it back, it wasn’t mine…it was never mine”…that’s what he said…Another lie, a cruel and cold lie…

The girl tried to escape from the pain inside…in the only place where she felt safe. In her own mind, in her own imagination…she felt it so real…What if…and this thought gave her wings…what if true love belongs to a virtual place? Than this man…who said “i love you”…may he be the One? If love cannot be found in real world…

Mean while in reality…someone saw her blue heart and decided he wants her. A blue heart for his own private collection. He was rich, he thought he could buy it. But her heart wasn’t for sell…it’s priceless and it only comes as a gift. “Princess, i never lose and i have every right to fight using everything and everyone to win this blue heart of yours. So, just say it, i would pay any price…your life? A child’s life? Your father’s company? Name the price and i’ll pay it!”…

She should had run away…but deep inside her heart she was a warrior and she decided to stay and defend her freedom to chose. Poor girl, so full of herself…She never knew that she’ll be the one paying the price. Her soul, her life…her freedom…

And i can’t remember if she finally gave him her heart, or if she’s still searching for someone who can fix it. All i know is that he still call her “princess” and he still says he loves her. And he’s still willing to give anything, to pay no matter how much to have her. Does this mean she’s precious? It should count for something…

-ALI! You realize you’re not saying a damn thing? Girl…if you’re not going to tell me right now what’s in your mind…

-Do NOT shout at me, Peter! Do NOT give me orders! Do you understand? I’m not your sub! If you really wanna know, i was thinking that this is my first Christmas without you…

-Awww…i’m sorry, Ali…i know, baby, it’s hard for me too. But you’re happy with your husband, right? Phillipe is treating you right? And lately, every time i see you two together, you seems so in love with him…always kissing and cuddling…

-That’s true…he’s my husband and i love him with all my heart. My blue heart…

Yeah, right…

Advertisements

Swimming with the sharks

“Time after time I tried to walk away
But its not that easy,
When you soul is torn in two
So I just resigned myself to it everyday
And now all that I can do is to leave it up to you.”

(Jamelia-“Stop”)

The earth is shaking…i’m running and i’m terrified to see that i didn’t moved at all! They are all falling down…there’s Peter with Estelle, there’s Liz, Tony, my father…Someone is reaching a hand calling my name…he said “Help me” and i wanna go back to save them all. And then i see her. My mother…she’s above us, dressed in white, surrounded by light. Her voice is like i remember…”It’s alright, Belle…just don’t look back!”. But i’m looking back…and something dark and cold is suffocating me…”

-Isabel…wake up…open your eyes, look at me! It’s over, it was just a nightmare! Keep breathing and count…you had a panic attack…

I woke up, trying hard to breath trough the tears…Another nightmare, another panic attack…another dream with my mother. Mark took me in his arms, holding me so tight…

-Sweet girl…why are you so tormented…i would do anything to make these nightmares go away…Come here…your heart is racing and you almost stopped breathing. I know how hard is to control a panic attack during sleep…but you’re safe now…

-Mark…

-Welcome back, Isabel…

-What time is it? So early…i guess i felt asleep watching tv…i dreamed something…Liz was there too…

-You miss her, don’t you? It’s alright…please don’t look down, she’s your friend and you heaven’t saw her for so long. And i have an idea! Why don’t you call her? Call Liz, talk to her for a while, it will help you…

-You’ll do this for me? Mark, you’re so amazing…

-And you’re so silly sometimes! Alright…all settle…call her…

Her voice so familiar and still so far away made me feel like i’m in another dimension in time and space…

-Hi Liz…

-Aliiiii! Thanks God you called! Are you alright, Ali?

-Yes, i’m more than alright…i’m so happy, Liz…i just miss you very much…

-Ali, if you knew what’s going on here! Phillipe lost his mind completely! He’s trying to intimidate everybody…Imagine…he found something about Tony…some stuff with his business…he wanna send Tony back to Italy if we don’t bring you back. And i told him that i have no idea about where you are but he doesn’t believe me…And Peter…

-What’s going on with Peter?

-He was arrested yesterday…accused of molesting Estelle…the poor girl doesn’t even remember, but Phillipe had a recorded declaration of her…anyway, it probably means nothing, you know Peter…he always lands on his feet…By the way…Peter is desperate, he thinks you’re death or something…

-My God…what about my father? Is he ok?

-Your father told me he doesn’t recognize you as his daughter anymore…he’s so upset with you…he’s spending so much time with Phillipe…they even tried to go to Police and declare you missing, but you wrote a letter, so the Police is not involved…at least i heard is not…then your father and Phillipe tried to declare you mentally disable…

-What?!…

-Yes…but that therapist…Raimondo…and something…said to the authorities that you’re perfectly capable of taking any decision and that you’re not suffering of any mental illness…And…do you know someone named Bryce? With a child who’s suffering of leukemia?

-Yes, little Robby…how is he feeling? You talked to Bryce?

-It seems that Phillipe was paying for Robby’s treatment…and he stopped the payment…saying that is all up to you. Bryce told me that Phillipe used the words “he can go to hell” talking about the child.

-The bastard…he was always blackmailing me using the child’s illness. But…tell me, Liz…Maria is fine?

-Oh, don’t you worry about Maria! She’s like a bodyguard for Phillipe! She’s the only one who adores your husband and takes care of him. She said some things about you, Ali…

-I never imagined…

-Ali, please…come back home! Everything will come back to normal if you just come home…Please…a lot of people are suffering because of that angry control freak of your husband…and all because you left. Come back home…

-Liz, you don’t understand…i am home! I never felt more like home…and for the first time in my life i’m really happy. I miss you, my best friend and you’ll always have a place in my heart but here is my home now.

-Where are you, Ali? Who you’re with? Don’t…

Mark was looking at me with his blue-light eyes, taking the laptop out of my arms. He wiped away the tears from my eyes.

-I’m sorry…Mark…i shouldn’t have called Liz…now you heard it all…

-I heard that they need you to go back to save them. So…what will be your choice? Your friends from Monte Carlo or me and my orphans from Kenya?

-It’s not a choice, it never was and it will never be! It’s like asking me if i wanna swim with the sharks or just stay safe and happy with you…home…

-Isabel…is this true? You really feel that your home is with me? And you’re really happy?

I smiled at him, like smiling to a scared child…placing my arms around his neck to feel his curled hair…

-Yes…my home is in your arms…here in London or far away…in Kenya…or anywhere else you wanna take me…I’m happy to be with you, to look at you…to feel your heart beating next to mine…ever since that day…Remember? When you kissed me in that small church…since that day i was yours…And yes…i married Phillipe…but God knew and He still knows that you were the one i wanted to give my body and soul…

His kiss took me by surprise…his passion made my heart jump and my body was melting in his arms.

-My sweet Isabel…i was so wrong…i love you and i want you so much…i wanna make love to you…can you give me another chance…please Belle, my heart, my body and my soul is aching for you…

-i’m here…i want you to be a part of me…and me a part of you…

(to be continued)

When even friends seem out to harm you

“And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way”

(Guns’n Roses-“November Rain”)

Overwhelming feelings, sensations and thoughts were running trough my body and soul…Lying naked on the sateen sheets…shivering light from the white candles placed all around the bed…creating a sweet sensation of tranquility. Red wine, contrasting with the pale white shadows and a music i never heard before…He looked at me and took my hand kissing my fingers. I slowly begun to move, just to feel his body closer, just to make sure he’s real…

-Thank you…

My voice sounded gentle and sweet, almost like a whisper. I opened my eyes looking deep inside his heart. He took me into his arms, holding me tight.

-I would give anything for this look in your eyes…To see love, adoration, trust…Alicia…there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t give you…

-I only need you to love me, Phillipe…to make love to me…like you did. With passion and tenderness…

Running my fingers trough his hair, thinking how handsome he really is, how perfect we can be to each other.

-I realized something, princess…losing you, destroying your trust in me, hurting you the way i did it…it was a nightmare, i am a monster, like you once told me…

I placed my fingers on his lips to stop him for talking.

-You’re the only man i love…and i tried to change you…it was so unfair of me…I felt in love with your wildest side, your dark side attracted me so much, but all i ever dreamed was that you’ll love me so much…so you’ll wanna change it all for me…Do i make any sense?

-Baby…

I felt tears and i didn’t tried to stop them.

-Now i understand, Phillipe…now i know and i respect you for who you really are and i’m scared that i’ll never be able to make you happy. God knows i’ll try! But i’m terrified of the thought of being harmed…and still…i wanna give you what you need, what you desire…i think i need you to be patient with me and to assure me again and again…

He kissed me deep and passionate grabbing my hair and holding firmly my face.

-Alicia…you’re making me very happy…i need to learn how to keep this beautiful smile on your lips…how to see every day this spark in your eyes…how to make you feel safe and loved. You’re the only light in my darkness…

The phone was ringing…a cruel sound in the perfect ambient.

-Oh, no…it’s Annette…do you want me to answer?

-Yes, baby…but put it on speaker…i wanna hear it all…cause i have a feeling…

the conversation with Annette:

-Ali, where are you? I need you to come to the hotel, pleeeeease…

-Hi, Annette. I can’t…i’m not in Monte Carlo…actually i’m very far away…i said looking at Phillipe with a playful smile

-I need your help, Ali! In two days is my date…i told you about Mark…

-Yes…did you find any dress to fit you?

-Ali, it’s not about the dress…you gave me clothes for a few years at least. I found a great dress…the red one. But i don’t have aaaaa…

you know…

-Tell me! You need shoes? Or some nice earings to match to the dress? Phillipe started to laugh.

-God, Ali, don’t make me say it! It’s about an underwear…i need a hot sexy underwear and all are so expensive…and i wanna impress him…i’m planning to pay a room in the hotel and spend the night with him…

-Wait! Annette…this is your first date…you never met him till now. Don’t you think you’re hurrying things too much? What he’s gonna think about you?

-So, you’ll give me? Please, Ali…

-I’m sorry, this time i can’t help you! I really think you should be yourself and not trying so much to impress him…he should be impress by you, your heart and soul, your personality…not by a sexy underwear that it isn’t even yours…

-Thanks for nothing! Are you trying to ruin this for me? Why? Jealousy? You know, Alicia, he is my chance…i wasn’t born rich, like you! And i didn’t married a rich man like you did! And i don’t wanna spend my whole damn life cleaning rooms! He’s my chance to escape from poverty and i need your help…

-Oh my God! You need my help to…what? To sleep with him? To sell yourself? Annette…

-Sure, like you’re better than me! Don’t tell me it’s a coincidence that all the guys you were involved with are millionaires! I know what you’re doing…playing good little housewife till the next one will appear. And, till then you’ll get all you can from the jerk of your husband…

The attack took me by surprise, or maybe i was too high and falling down was too painful. I blocked and i started to cry, looking helpless at Phillipe. He was so angry…a frozen expression. For a moment i thought he’s gonna smash the phone, but he just took it from my shivering hands and spoke with a sinister dark tone…

-So, the trash voiced…spitting all the venom in my home…Trash…you know what is going to happen to you? You know what i’m doing with the snakes? Make them swallow their own poison…

-N-n-no…Sir…i’m sorry, i was angry and i didn’t thought…please, Sir…forgive me…

-This conversation is recorded. I will use the information. You will forget about Alicia and this number. And…almost forgot…in the next half hour, the poor fool is gonna receive a mail. With a link…

I heard her crying and whining and praying and bagging. Phillipe closed the phone. He took me in his arms.

-Now is a good time to tell me “i told you so”. Phillipe, i’m a fool…i should had listed to you…i still can’t believe…

-No, baby…you’re not a fool…you made a mistake…you always see the best in people, don’t you? And you believe in changes for better, right? A big part of my reason to love you is this precious heart of yours! This light you spread all around you…now don’t be sad…you didn’t lost anything…

He was warm, gentle and carrying. And the love i felt for him in that moment was overwhelming.

-Promise me i won’t lose you, mon amour…

-As long as you’ll be like this…your precious soul is safe. And nothing and no one will harm you again. As long as you’re mine…

And, with all my heart, i wanted to feel like i’m his…but deep inside my soul i know i’ll never be…

Hopeless case

“Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me.”

(Bonnie Tyler-“Holding out for a hero”)

early in the morning

-How do you feel today, baby?

-Amazingly good…St. John’s Wort really helped me…and spending the night in your arms. Do i really have to go to see that therapist? I feel so much better…

-Princess…there’s no way you can convince me…

The phone was ringing loud and clear.

-Hello…yes…why? Damn it!

-What’s wrong, Phillipe?

-Well, i told you i spoke to a therapist, a woman specialized in hypnosis. It looks like she can’t make it…family problems…

-So, i can go to Gerard? Can i?

-Not so fast! She talked to one of her colleagues, an italian therapist famous for his successes in hopeless cases…

-I’m a hopeless case?

He took me in his arms, running his fingers trough my hair.

-Do it for me, ok?

a few hours later

Sitting in his “consultorio”, waiting and contemplating the diplomas from the wall. A little nervous, knowing i’m here alone (the therapist insisted on that aspect) and knowing that Phillipe already told him on the phone about the other day. Wishing, hoping that he’ll be like Gerard…a father figure who i can relate with…

-Good morning! I understand you’re here for a therapy session? I’m Raimondo R., please call me Ray…

It took my breathe away. He was not only young, but also very good looking. Around 40 years old, brown hair and charming smile…

-Nice to meet you, Ray! I’m Alicia, please call me Ali…

-Ali, that’s so sweet! So, where’s my future patient? he asked making me smile for the first time.

-That would be me…Why did you asked that?

He started analyzing me and i felt like blushing. He laugh and continued with a warm voice.

-Well, i guess i wasn’t prepared…my colleague told me about a patient with severe depression and a recent suicide attempt. Of course, delirium and psychotic behavior. And usually a girl with these diagnostics looks decomposed…Look at you! Perfect business outfit, great looking hair and a fine touch of make up. Unusual…So, tell me Ali, what can i do to help you?

-Can i be honest with you?

-Please…

-I’m here only because my husband insisted. I have my therapist, it’s dr. Gerard L., i feel good and i really don’t wanna waist your time. I’m sure you’re a very competent doctor but i don’t feel like talking about my problems…

He smiled at me revealing a perfect set of white teeth…

-Can i be honest with you, Ali?

-Please…

-I’m here because your husband pays me a small fortune. My colleague said i have to chose between spending an hour with paranoid psycotics patients and you…a rich girl who got upset don’t know why and tried to jump in front of a truck.

-So why did you chose the rich girl?

-You smell better! And i’m hopping for a chance to improve my bank account, if you know what i mean. I don’t really wanna hear about your problems, i didn’t had my breakfast and i’m hungry.

-Me neither! I skipped my breakfast too…i’m starving, Ray!

-Then, please join me…

Till that point i was unsure what to believe…now i was kinda expecting to hear someone yelling: “surprise! you’re on hidden camera!”. Strange enough, i saw him arranging a small table with croissants and something hot.

-I imagine you drink your coffee with plenty of milk. And you adore the vanilla flavor.

I suddenly blushed. He continued.

-Did i shocked you, Ali?

I regained my self control quickly.

-Actually, Ray, i love spiced food, but you know…it depends on who’s cooking…and you don’t seems to be able to offer me more than vanilla…Oh, sorry, Ray…did i shocked you?

The effect of my words was visible. I felt like i’m winning this game, and i was already thinking how i’ll tell all about to my friends…and we’re gonna laugh together…

-Ali, i’m overwhelmed! You don’t seems depressed…look at your appetite and the way you’re flirting…but still…what was all about? Did you really tried to kill yourself yesterday? Your husband (who, by the way, is crazy for you) was desperate…

-Look, i had a moment of madness…i wasn’t depressed, i was afraid. I felt like i’m losing all i have and i wasn’t thinking clear. Did you meet Phillipe?

-Yes. He’s a control freak, the type of dominant man, typical for a bdsm relationship. But you don’t seems submissive…and i guess that’s a big problem.

-Right. I’m trying to act like i’m submissive and i hate every minute. And in intimacy i’m scared, i’m terrified he’s gonna hurt me. God, Ray, what is with these croissants? I never spoke so free…

-I’m honored by your trust. Ali…in a bdsm relationship, being submissive means feeling pleasure from this role, not only accepting, but enjoying it. Other wise, it’s abuse…It’s rape, if you wanna put it this way…

My eyes suddenly filled with tears. Yes, he said the words i was afraid to speak…

-So, Ali…this is a major problem. Feeling abused, raped…i surely understand how you lost control and tried to commit suicide. But the question is how can we keep you alive?

-Feed me with croissants and latte machiatto… i said in an attempt to avoid my own tears.

-Self irony, humor…all are defensive strategies, to protect your ego from self destroying. On a long term, you cannot hide from your pain. Like right now, when you’re trying so hard not to cry. You can be brave now and when you’ll walk away from here you’ll die inside once more…or you can let me help you. Trust me, me and my un-orthodoxe methods…we know about this kind of problems…

I stayed quiet looking inside my soul. The emptiness i felt was overwhelming…

-Ray, do you think it’s alright if i…i mean, don’t wanna cross any boundary and i respect you as a therapist…

With no other words, he was right beside me, taking me in his open arms and holding me. I cried like never before…In the end…all i could say was thank you.

-No, Ali…i thank you! For letting me see behind your defensive walls…if you could see your soul trough my eyes…you would be amazed how strong, brave and beautiful you really are.

Right in this moment, i heard a knock on the door. The hour of therapy was gone, Phillipe was there…He seemed relief that i was still there.

-Doctor, what can you tell me? Is hypnosis the solution?

-To what?

-What do you mean? Didn’t you talked to her?

-Well, that’s up to Alicia. Hypnosis is a good choice only in a strong, trust-based therapeutic relationship. And it takes time to build the trust. Of course, you know this…be sure you’re creating the trust before asking for more.

-I think, doctor, that me and my wife…we share a good trustful relationship.

-I’m sure you feel this way…now you’ll excuse me. See you in a couple of days, Ali.

I smiled at Phillipe…a big happy smile.

-Hey…baby, it really helped you…i love this smile.

-Phillipe, i feel there’s hope. For us…

For me…

Unbreakable

“You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain .”

(Bon Jovi-“Blaze of glory”)

The darkness and the coldness of the night broke my eyes…i was cold and i was afraid. But i had to get out of the house! Too many shadows, too many doubts and a loneliness almost unbearable. I took the long road, not knowing where my steps will lead me. I didn’t even knew where i’m going. Pretending is just a night walk…pretending that my tears are caused by the cold wind.

The road became so familiar and, before i could rationalize, i was at his door. His house, our house…eight years of picturing in my mind how i’m gonna grow old there, surrounded by children and grandchildren…My fingers touched the doorbell…Nothing…maybe he’s not even there. And it’s better this way. Why should i share my memories with him…

-Alicia…Ali…what are you doing here? Where’s Phillipe? He’s with you?

Suddenly i realized the truth…i belong to another life now.

-Hi, Peter…i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here…i started to walk and i found myself at your door. You know…my insomnia…i’m leaving now, sorry for bothering you.

He took me by my shoulders and leaded me inside. His warm hands in contact with my cold naked shoulders…i feel a shiver trough my body.

-God, Ali, you’re frozen! What was in your mind…in this silky dress with bare shoulders…you’re gonna catch a cold…i’ll get you a blanket…

-No…don’t go…can you hold me for a little while? And then i’ll go…

Without a single word, he took me in his arms, holding me tight and caressing my skin so gentle…making me melt inside. I rested my head on his chest sensing his perfume…re-living a long lost feeling. And letting my tears falling…

-Hey…Ali…what’s wrong? Something happened…he did something to you?

-no…

-Where is Phillipe? And why are you so sad, wondering around in the middle of the night? You’re getting me so worried…

I tried to catch my breath so i could say something, but my voice was like a whisper.

-He’s at a meeting…gonna stay there the whole night…and i…

I looked in his eyes, just to see if he heard me…meeting his eyes…he wanted to say something but he changed his mind…he took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears…leaned to me and in a magic moment his lips were pressing against my lips…soft and deep…turning an innocent kiss into a passion…I closed my eyes…living the moment like it were the last kiss on earth…with hunger and love…so much love.

-Peter…i wanna…

-Please…don’t go…i know it’s wrong and i should control myself better…

I stopped him from talking, pressing gently with my fingers on his lips. He kissed every finger…

-I know it’s crazy…Peter…but i want it for the last time…i wanna make love to you…one last time…

I looked at him and all the old feelings were there, in his eyes. Love, desire, passion…He lifted me in his arms…so soft and gentle, so reassuring…I felt the warmness of the fireplace and the sensations were mixing in my mind. The cold air made me tremble…for the first time since i got there i felt afraid…

-Ali…you know i wont hurt you…never…please, don’t be afraid…

I smiled at him…i smiled to myself, pulling him closer to me, giving myself to the feelings, to the pleasure, to the desire…He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss every inch of my body…touching my soul. And i felt like turning back time…eight years ago. The same innocence and the same urge to feel like i belong to him…like he and i were one body…one soul. And the intensity of the moment was strong like the eruption of a volcano and tender and sweet…like the song of a violin.

I stayed there with my eyes closed waiting for a miracle…maybe to find myself back in time…before all the madness started…when i still believed in love…His voice was so deep, touching my memories.

-I love you…after all this time…and i always will…

– It breaks my heart…Peter…why?

-why?…

-Why wasn’t i good enough? All these years i just wanted to be good enough…i never was…

The sadness in his eyes was tearing my heart apart. I saw tears in his eyes and a tremble in his voice.

-Ali…you were perfect to me. Eight years ago, when our story started, you were like a dream come true. So beautiful and innocent…so in love. With me…And in time…more i discovered you…more i realized that you’re just perfect to me. And i was afraid…

I looked at him and i only felt love. Not anger…not pain…love, only love…He continued with a strangled voice, like he was fighting his inner demons.

-…i was so afraid of loosing you…picturing in my mind the moment when you’re gonna leave me because you found someone better…And i felt like going crazy…i tried to put distance between us…hoping i’ll control better my fears. I pushed you away…till you lost every beautiful feeling for me. It burned my heart when i found out about you and Tony…but at least i had a reason to hate you…is this making any sense to you? Baby…it’s not about you…it’s about me…i was never good enough…that’s how i felt…

I searched for the right words, but all i felt was silence…overwhelming silence.

-please…say something…Ali…at least tell me you don’t hate me…

-no…i never hated you. My love…you’re still my love and you’ll always be…even in our worst moments…And tonight…you saved my life again. Peter…what am i going to do without you? I can’t…i just can’t…

He kissed my tears and held me tight till i stopped crying…till the tremble of my body melted into a warm sensation. And the darkness seemed less cold…making love in the sunrise…

The line between love and hate is so thin…Being safe or feeling frightened…starting a new life or going back in time…In the morning, all my confusing thoughts were shattered by the light of the sun. I knew i belong to another life. My life with Phillipe…

Because me and Peter…two kids building a castle of sand. The wind and the waves were stronger…destroying our dream. Peter just gave up…while I was pretending that my castle is unbreakable…

that my heart is unbreakable…

Just an empty place

“Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way HOME
Back to the open arms
Of a LOVE that’s waiting there…”

(Withney Houston-“Where do broken hearts go”)

Two weeks ago

-Ready to face the world, Ali? If it were up to me we would never go back…but i have to deal with the consequences too…

-What do you mean? You heaven’t done nothing bad…

-Ali, you’re the sweetest girl ever…but i did a few things…i’m not proud of myself! I completely lost my self-control…and maybe some day you’ll blame me…

-no…never! What we did…we did it together…i was lonely and sad…and i flirted with you the whole time…i’m assuming my role in the game…remember, partners in crime?

-Ali, the crime was already committed…

-now, stop it, Henry…you copy my words…

-so, what will you do when you’ll arrive at Monte Carlo?

-the only thing i can do: stay away from Phillipe, my father, their company…and search for my love, my true love…maybe i’ll never find him, but at least i gotta try! So, take me back in the jungle, i have a few snakes to lock away in cages…

today

-…the ring just looks amazing on your finger…did i told you today how happy you made me? My fiancee…

-interesting choice of the stone…a black diamond…

-you deserve every diamond in the world, princess…i know it’s not traditional but…our relationship isn’t traditional neither…my love…

-no…not traditional at all…remember how you proposed me? I was at the hospital with little Roby, scared to death…and you told me about that expensive treatment in Tokyo…and you were offering to pay it…you said, in front of his parents, that you don’t need anything in return…anything except…

-except for you to accept my marriage proposal…

-correct, Phillipe! So, Helen started to cry, almost kneeling in front of me…it was horrible…and i found myself in the worst situation any person could be…

-princess…i have every right to fight for your love…tell me, is it so wrong? You saved little Roby’s life…Helen is happy, we are happy…your father is happy…i gave him back the company…like you wanted…

-I’m not happy! I didn’t saved Roby’s life, God did this! Your money helped a lot…but it was God’s choice…

He started to laugh, holding my hands and kissing my fingers.

-…then, Alicia, my love…just pretend you’re accepting God’s will…like a good saint that you are! Hope you’re not gonna bring this “saint-attitude” to our bedroom, princess…What, you’re blushing? Now…come here…that’s the sweetest thing i ever saw…

-…

-i was so proud of you today…you’re the leader i always wanted you to be. If your father could see you…by the way, how does he feels? Do you think he’s strong enough to be told the good news?

-he’s recovering…but, please, give him more time…he just had a heart attack…any stress could kill him…we’ll just tell him at the right moment…

-Alicia…when? we’re getting married in a few weeks…

I started to feel like suffocating…like every time he mention the word “marriage”. Only this time it got worst…

-baby…drink some water…breath calmly…it’s alright…you almost had a panic attack…every time i try to talk to you about our wedding…and it’s going to happened…

-why? why the rush? why the pressure? What do you want from me…i already accepted it…

-…nothing, my love…only your heart. Is it too much to ask? After all i did for you…tell me princess? How much pain and suffering do you need to see around you…so you could realize that in this world it’s not just you? There’s other people, Alicia…you’re only thinking about yourself…so selfish…but you’re young, we have time to change it…

He started to caress my hair…kissing my neck…pressing me against his body…

-…actually, Alicia…i lied…it’s not just your heart that i want…come to bedroom and i’ll show you what i mean…now, don’t act so scared, there’s nothing wrong in making love to your future husband…

Making love to my future husband…his words were burning my heart…but do i still have a heart? Sometimes everything he said seems to make sense…maybe i love him but i’m just afraid…after all, marriage was always such a delicate issue to me…

But what if i don’t?

Learning to smile

“If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night’s fears.
The star in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you, they’re a mirror.”

(Rod Steward-“I don’t wanna talk about it”)

Olympic Beach, Greece

-Here…take this one! Is bigger! Why throwing only the little white rocks in the water, when you could throw this ugly big black rock? Now, Ali, repeat after me: with this big ugly rock…

-with this big ugly rock…

-I’m throwing away…

-i’m throwing away…

-All the pain and sorrow and anger…

-all the…I can’t! I wish i could, Henri…but the pain and the sorrow are still there. I think i’ll never smile…

-You will! Not only smile, but laugh and love and feel…Ali, you made this?

-What?

-All this big water lying under the cliffs?

-Don’t be silly…it’s the sea…

-No, you don’t fool me! Taste it! It’s salty, like your tears…you cried so much that you created the sea? Please…don’t drown us, you creator of the seas!

I started to laugh again even if my tears were still running down my face. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders keeping me warm and safe. I looked into his eyes…

-Your eyes are blue…like the sea…

-and my shirt is all wet from your salty tears! And you don’t even know how to remove the white stains produced by salt! Cause you never eat salt…you’re made of sugar, my sweet girl…

-Henri…do you ever talk seriously?

-i spoke to your father…

-oh, i understand…he convinced you that i’m a spoiled rich girl, an irresponsible and a liar…and that he and Phi…

-Stop! Stop talking or i throw you in the water! Look at me, Ali…now i’m serious. I didn’t recognize your father, he’s not himself anymore. He wanted me to convince you to accept…I told him my opinion and i guess i was a little harsh to him. I told him that you’re not for sell and that he just lost my respect for him. It’s true, Ali…he wants you to accept a relationship with Phillipe, regardless of your feelings. He was even capable of threatening me if i don’t “bring” you back the next day. Like you’re an object, a doll…God, i’m still furious…

-are you going to leave me? Because of my father, and Phillipe…and all my problems. Don’t…don’t leave me, please don’t…i’m so incredibly alone…

-Ali, did you heard what i said to you? Did you listened to me? I just said that i lost my respect for your father. I never said one word about leaving you! Sometimes, Ali, i feel like i’m talking to a big child! A big crying baby…look, i brought you here, no one knows where you are…no one will find you. We’re returning to Monte Carlo only when you’re ready to face the disaster. I’m with you in this! What else do you want me to tell you? Fight your insecurities or they are going to consume you. And never argue with me, cause i can talk more and faster than you!

-Henri, i’m so grateful to you…

-Show me how grateful you really are…let’s go back to the resort…

-what do you mean? i hope you’re not suggesting…

-Again…you’re talking over me…you’ll never learn, do you? Now listen to me! I wanna see you wearing that sexy red dress…we’re going to a club to dance till morning! Understood?

-Let me tell you a secret…Henri…come closer…this game of yours, playing dominant with me…my dear…it’s not working. Cause, you know what? I know how to play it too…only that i choose not to…You see…you cannot pretend to be a lion if deep inside your heart all you want…all you desire…all you need…

-yes…don’t stop…

-…is to stay at my feet…hoping i’ll give you the chance to kiss my little finger…

He started to laugh.

-Girl, you’re dreaming!

-Now, catch me if you can! See who gets first in the room. I bet i’m faster! You can’t catch me…wolf-man!

-You’re playing with fire, little girl!

Yes, i know…