Light of my heart and soul

“A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born”

(“When a child is born”)

How am i going to tell him? What if…my God, is almost Christmas…next year the Christmas will be so different…

-Alicia…baby, you know how upsetting it is to me when you do this! You heaven’t called me for hours and when i call you, you’re asking me to come here…in this church…

-You like it? The church…i just came here and i lost the track of time…I’m sorry, Phillipe…i went to see the doctor today and the tests took some time and the results…i forgot to call you…

-No, my love…i’m sorry…i should had come with you…i completely forgot about your appointment. You’re upset…i’m so sorry…but at least you saw the doctor. Did you told him all about last week? That you passed out twice…and that you’re not eating anything and the headaches, nightmares…

-Yes, i did…

-So, did he gave you some vitamins? Or is it just emotional…baby, let me see your eyes, they’re red, you cried…Tell me all about…

-I don’t know how to tell you…

-Alicia, honey…any treatment you may need…i’m right here beside you…

-No…there’s no cure for what i have…

He took my face in his hands and my tears appeared in my eyes beyond my control. He looked down with a sad expression and then his eyes just became empty…

-That’s why you wanted to see me here. In a church…To tell me how i’m gonna loose you…Know what? I hate HIM! Yes, your God…and HE’s not winning this time! Cause if HE’s taking you away from me…i swear…i will burn every single church…from the ground…i will destroy every single trace of HIS presence on this world! Alicia…say something, baby…

-I didn’t meant to…oh, Phillipe…now you have to promise me two things…

-Anything, my love…

-First one: that you’re gonna love her, if is a baby girl…The second one: you’re gonna spare one church, cause we need it for the baptism…

-Are you saying that…

-YES! My love…you need to lower your voice, cause your son is listening to you, right now…Or your daughter…the doctor said is way to early to tell…we’re only 6 weeks old…

He took me in his arms and lifted me slowly and started to kiss me…dancing with me in the church…And when he put me down, i saw him kneeling at my feet, looking up at me…his eyes filled with happy tears…a light i never saw before.

-Phillipe…i’m sorry for scaring you like that…i didn’t knew how to tell you…i’m still in shock. Here…the doctor gave me this picture…wanna see our baby?

He helped me to sit down and sat next to me…his hands were trembling and when he took the picture he kissed it…

-Look at this tiny heart…

-Alicia…princess…is it real? My son…my precious baby…he’s so tiny now…tell me everything…you’re alright? And the baby?

-We’re both doing great. Me…i felt so sick because of the hormones, the doctor said is normal, he gave me something to help me with the morning sickness…And the baby…is perfect…he’s strong like his father…

-And handsome like his mother…my love…do you love me? Here…give me your hands, they’re so cold…from now on you are my one and only priority…i can’t believe i missed the first echography…what kind of man am I? What if the baby wont like me?

I started to laugh, with tears in my eyes…happy tears…

-Mon amour…the baby will love you…like i love you…You’re my man, my one and only…And we’re gonna be parents…imagine me, being a mother…

-The most beautiful, loving and sweet mother in the entire world! And i’m the luckiest guy ever…please, tell me you’re never gonna leave me…

-I swear it…you and the baby are my world…my life…i was a fool, crazy and selfish and you forgave me and you took me back home and now…now i have something to live for…my baby…ours…

He kissed me again and again…

-Princess, is cold in here…let’s go home, i wanna take care of you…you need to eat and sleep well…you’re carrying the most precious child in the entire world…my son…

Today i cried…I thought i’ll never cry again, i thought i’ll never feel…till i heard a tiny but strong heart beat…my child…And from that moment nothing mattered anymore except for this amazing love i’m feeling inside my heart and soul. My baby…he brought The Light back in my life, he’s the living proof that GOD does exists…And that HE’s always ready to forgive, to love and to give us a new chance…

The end. 

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Vanilla flavored

“I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out
How I can move from the back of the line”

(Emeli Sande-“Clown”)

-So…what did you thought when you saw my gift box with the pink ribbon? What did you imagined inside of it?

Phillipe started to laugh and i could tell from the look in his eyes that he’s happy, relaxed…it felt so good knowing i can make him feel like this, i really can bring these sparks in his eyes…

-Baby…the pink ribbon it’s one thing, but the scent of vanilla is the key here…the box has a strong vanilla flavor…so, i thought…

-Tell me…

-…a cookie, a teddy bear, even a pink underwear, for you to wear, of course…But, not in a million years…of course, i should never forget how surprising you are…Alicia…

I saw a shadow in his eyes and i put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It felt amazing…having him so close to me made me realize how much i want him in my life…forever…

He continued with a tempered tone, like being afraid to say the words.

-Baby, please listen to me…it was amazing…it felt like a dream come true, like fulfilling a need i almost forgot i have. I felt powerful, i felt honored by your trust in me, i felt excited like never before…but i can’t stop asking myself…you did it only for me? You felt somehow constrained, like it is your duty? Because i don’t want you to feel this way…

-Phillipe, i’m going to be very opened about this, to be honest…when i bought the handcuffs i did it only to look at them…i never thought i’ll be brave enough or that i’ll trust you enough…Mon amour, for me it was a shock to find out that the man i’m married with…wishes something different in intimacy, something like bdsm…i felt betrayed, scared, lied, abused…

His eyes were expressing so much regret, it almost melted me inside to see him so sad.

-Alicia, princess…my biggest regret is that i wasn’t honest with you from the start. I should had done it…you needed your freedom to choose. Now i know…

-Hey…don’t be so harsh to yourself…no…you never told me but there were so many signs…i just refused to admit to myself. Or maybe i just dreamed about changing you…it was unfair to you. So, you’re Dominant…so what? I still love you, i still wanna be with you for the rest of my life. The pink handcuffs…i guess they were my way of telling you that i wanna make you happy. That i trust you with my life…i trust you blindly and that i respect your decisions…I’m only afraid…

I stopped for a moment. He took me in his arms, keeping me warm with his body.

-Princess…what are you afraid of? You think i could hurt you…

-I’m afraid i’ll let you down…you see, mon amour…i wanna make you happy, but regardless of how hard i’m trying, i can’t be submissive…is not about intimacy…is about every day…Deep inside of me, there’s a rebel trying to escape…i can’t lock this side of me forever. And i admit…i’m terribly afraid of pain…

-Baby…causing you pain it’s out of discussion…i love every inch of your body…i only want you to feel pleasure from being touched by me…Alicia…how could you think of something like this…no wonder you were so scared every time…

-and i’ll never call you Sir! I can’t, Phillipe…i look at you and i see my lifetime partner, my man, my love…not my master…

-I look at you and i see my princess…the most beautiful woman in the whole world, the love of my life, the mother of my future children…not my sub. See? We’re not that different…And tonight you showed me all i needed to see…why would i ever ask you to call me Sir? And how could I? When i worship the ground you’re stepping on…

I felt my heart filled with a new feeling…hope…trust…He looked in my eyes and started kissing my neck. His eyes were playful.

-So…there’s a rebel who’s trying to escape…a beautiful sexy rebel…you know what i do with them, don’t you?

-Don’t know…throw them to the fire?

-Of course, we can start a fire…if i’ll kiss you here…and then move my attention to this little spot…But when i’m that lucky…to have a rebellious princess in my arms…i usually start by seducing her and then…we’re gonna make love…did i ever told you that…the scent of vanilla drives me wild…pure passion in her sweetest form…

And here’s an option i never took in consideration: having a happy marriage…I was used to fight, used to escape, even if it was in a virtual world once…but i never even thought that I could be happy. I never gave him a single chance, i never gave myself a single chance. Programmed for failure…sett to identify an aggressor in every person who ever got near me…when maybe the real enemy was living deep inside my own mind… 

To save a single life…

“It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?”

(Black Eyed Peas-“Where is the love?”)

The Wizard took my hand and leaded me to the gates.

-What’s going on…why is my Castle turned to ruins? Who did this? He will be punished! Where are my servants? Where’s the King? I want them all gathered here, around me…we’re gonna rebuild the Kingdom. Where is everybody?! Answer me, Wizard or your head will fall at my feet!

-Princess…there’s no one left…don’t you remember? You slept for a thousand years and we couldn’t find you…the new world arrived and they showed no respect! 

-They will be punished! All of them…till the last one! Wizard…give me the mirror! I wanna be beautiful for the King…My favorite mirror…is broken! Fix it now, Wizard! I can’t see myself!

-Your Highness…the mirror isn’t broken…but shadows has no reflection…

-I’m not a shadow! I’m alive…and i’m in pain. Do something, Wizard, the fire is burning me alive! I wanna see the King! Where’s the King? Philippe…

-Baby, i’m here! Alicia…open your eyes, you were calling my name! Sweetie…you look so tormented…like you had been seeing a ghost…

-You’re here…please hold me tight…i had a terrible nightmare…i was a Princess, but i was just a shadow and fire was burning me…and you weren’t there…

-My love…you truly are a princess in my heart and in my eyes…My Princess…relax, it was only a dream…i guess that returning home was hard for you…and you still heaven’t told no one that you’re here…

-Is still early…seven in the morning…why aren’t you in bed?

-I wanted to surprise you in the morning…i opened an account on your name…with enough money to buy yourself a small castle…

-Thank you, Phillipe…mon amour…my castle is in your arms…i don’t need another one…but thank you for making my dreams come true…

-and i also took care of the trash called Annette…she’ll never work in Monaco again…The clothes you gave her…expensive ones…i took the liberty to wrote her an email…all the dresses will be taken and donated to the shelter for abused woman…if you agree, of course…

-You are amazing! Thank you for being so generous…what about the money i gave for her mother…for the surgery…

-Well, i checked and the story is true…i though about stopping the payment…wait…the trash wrote a response to my mail…

-Let me see…please…

-No, Alicia…she’s not worthy…

-Don’t worry…i’m not gonna fall…you’re here with me and i feel strong so…

“Alicia, i know you’re behind all this…be careful. You’ll never know when and where something terrible will happen to you…cause it will! I’ll never stop haunting you, bitch…And the day of my revenge will come sooner than you expect it. By the way…you don’t know who you’re married with…” Annette

Phillipe almost smashed the phone on the ground. He looked so angry and hateful…i could see it in his eyes, the dark and cold feeling. A feeling i recently knew myself…

-That’s it! I’m stopping the payment and the old witch can die…this is a limit she wasn’t allowed to cross…never!

-No…mon amour, Phillipe…i helped her mother because she’s helpless…i don’t want her to die because of me. Just send her the money she needs for the surgery and after that…she’s on her own…

His voice sounded harsh and cruel.

-Baby…she’s going to pay for treating you like this…If her mother is gonna die…is because of the daughter she raised…not because of you! Now i don’t wanna hear another word…you promised to do what i’m telling you to do…go back to sleep. I’ll make sure that the trash will feel on her own skin how is it when something terrible is happening…Go back to bed, Alicia, i’ll be with you in five minutes.

I closed my eyes but there was no trace of sleep…What’s wrong with me? Someone’s hurting in a hospital bed…i could save a life and i’m just laying here looking at the ceiling. I wish i could cry…

-Alright…come here in my arms…you’re so cold, let me warm your feet…

-Phillipe, i…i’m sorry…i wanna be respectful and i really wanna show you the obedience you want…and…please, don’t get me wrong…

-What did I told you? No word about the subject! I am not going to change my mind…and don’t even think about using your bank account…

-no…i didn’t thought about…Phillipe…no…i’m really sorry…i’ll do whatever you tell me to do…

He looked surprised and a little amused. And then i saw a spark in his eyes as he started to kiss the back of my neck, undressing me slowly with his hands.

-Look princess…since you were so sweet and good these days…maybe i’ll think about rewarding you…Yes…you just drive me crazy with your big brown eyes, looking so helpless and willing to please me…and when i feel you trembling in my arms…well…how could i deny you anything…so…you wanna save the old witch’s life…

-yes…

-show me how much…and if i’m satisfied…

-i’ll do anything for you…thank you so much, Phillipe…

And something was crystal clear to me: saving the whole world is worthless if during the process you’re losing a soul…a single life may be more important than the whole Universe…

And…oh…is so easy to talk about loving God…and so hard to love his human creations…

No more illusions…(part two)

“All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

The Montcalm Hotel, London

Don’t feel, just think…don’t ever feel anything…you’re frozen, let your mind do the routine and froze everything else…you’re functioning very well, breathing and living even if he’s gone…no…he doesn’t exist…don’t feel…

The hot water relaxed me enough to be calm…i surprised myself with my inability to cry…And all i kept repeating to myself was that i have no more tears. Looking in the mirror i saw a pale shadow…that’s not me anymore…but i still can make it better…my hair falling free on my shoulders, a trace of perfume, the natural colors on my makeup, wearing nothing but his white shirt and a white underwear…Brave enough to go out of the bathroom and show myself in front of him…

And his smile said more than words…

-So, do you like the suite? I asked them the lavender fragrance and red satin sheets…i also requested wild flowers…

-Is amazing…you did all these things for me…i truly appreciate it…i’m a little hungry but there’s no rush if you wanna talk…

-Your wishes are my commands…butter flavored croissant sounds good? With fresh orange juice…a light french breakfast special made for you…and a red rose…please join me to breakfast…

He took my hand and helped me with the chair…I looked at him and wondered about his feelings…

-Now…how do you feel, Alicia? How do you really feel?

-Guilty, stupid, angry at myself…

-Good…Alicia, you broke my heart…not to mention that you costed me a small fortune…but i guess is alright as long as i found you…Don’t say anything now…i know all there is to know…

I looked down…taking his hand and placing it on my cheek…he lifted my chin and continued talking, looking deep into my eyes…

-You know, baby…i understand you…i can’t accept it…but i understand. You thought you found the love of your life…and you ran away with him. So romantic…but you see…people can be so weak and predictable…all he wanted was to save the orphans from Kenya…i gave him enough money to build a school or a church or…anything else…and he took the money. He sold his soul…just to feel in peace with himself…i’m sorry you’re hurting…

-No, Phillipe, not anymore. Is true…i thought i’m in love but he proved to be an idiot and the Light doesn’t exist…The only truth is that humans are selfish, proud and stupid and i’m no exception…

-Alicia, i can buy anything…anyone. Every person has a price, i’m not talking about money…offer them what they think they need…and it’s over…over with love, faith, morality. Too easy…till i found you…you’re the only one i can’t buy, you don’t need anything i can offer…that’s what’s making you priceless…

-How about you, Phillipe?

-Me…i only want one thing. I want you! Not your body…i want you to love me, to adore me, to obey to me…And i’ll do anything to have you. I’ll pay any price…

-You would lie…black mail me…

-I would lie, cheat, fight, kill…yes…i would use anybody and anything, even that child, Robby…I thought i found out what your price is…a child’s life. But i was wrong…i wont say i’m sorry, cause i’m not…i still want you and i’m still willing to do whatever it takes, except for one thing. I’ll never force you again…never. I’ll never hurt you again…i won’t even touch you if you don’t want it…

All this time i finished my breakfast…his words were passing by and all i could think was that people really sell their souls. Where’s my soul, do i still have one…and suddenly i remembered how Mark said i’ll be rewarded for “my sacrifice”…i remembered that dark cold feeling of hate and i felt it again. When i spoke it wasn’t even my voice…

-You are right. You were right all the time and i was blind. The idiot sold his soul…everybody does it! If i had one, i probably sell it too…but my soul died, along with the Light and Love. There’s nothing above us…God never left me because He was never there…So, take me as i am, cause i’m yours. I give myself for free…no price at all…

-Alicia…i’m impressed…

-But i need your help, i need you to teach me…i need a strong man by my side, someone who could lead me. I’m willing to learn, to obey…just be patient with me. Your rules are my rules now. I am yours and i belong to you as long as you’ll want me. I want one thing in return…

-Anything you wish…is yours!

-While i was gone, a few people disrespected me. Servants…you told me to stay away but in my stupidity i thought they are my friends. I want them to be punished…Maria, Annette…i want you to let me deal with them. I want them out of Monaco with nothing but the clothes they’re wearing. And about Helen…a liar…claiming that her own child is dying…Helen will lose everything, especially her rights over the child. I also want a bank account…of course you’ll be in control…and my legal rights over the company…i’ll let the old fool to be in charge but i want full control and the possibility to take action…And i want my engagement ring back and a new set of clothes. I wanna throw away these old junks and change my style…So…what do you say…is it too much?

He looked at me amazed…and then he took out of his pocket something…he took my hand and placed the black diamond ring on my finger…Then he leaned over, taking my face in his hands and kissed me…a hungrily kiss…devouring desire…and i found myself responding to his kiss, eager to feel his body against mine…

-Baby…if we don’t stop now…i wont control myself anymore…and i wanna give you time, so…

-What do you say, Phillipe…will you do what i asked you…

-There’s only one thing i can say: Welcome back, Princess!…

Don’t feel…don’t ever feel…cause feelings destroyed you once. Don’t ask yourself why you can’t cry anymore…don’t wonder where’s the compassion and love you once felt…This is new to you…is cold and dark and there are no Angels in here…

To walk on stormy seas

“There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.”

(J.Groban-“You raise me up”)

I looked at him and i couldn’t stop smiling. He was still sleeping, his blonde curled hair and the smile made him irresistible, but what made me smile was the way he was holding my pillow in his arms…

I rushed to the kitchen…scrambled eggs with bacon and pancakes with chocolate syrup and me…discovering that i can cook, enthusiastic like a child with a new toy.

-Hey…it smells delicious…you made all these?

He looked amazed and i felt proud of myself. The admiration i saw in his eyes made my heart jump with joy.

-Back to bed! I wanna bring you breakfast in bed! Go, go, go…

-Only if you’re coming with me, other wise my breakfast will be incomplete…

Breakfast in bed, with Mark…sounded like a dream come true.

-You like it? Or should i add more sugar on the pancakes? Mark…

-It’s delicious, absolutely delicious! I love everything you do…you’re spoiling me…No one…never…brought me breakfast in bed…But i feel guilty because you’re working so much…cooking, cleaning…And…what’s this? You broke a nail? Give me that little finger so i’ll kiss it…

-It’s no big deal! Mark, i’m so happy to do all these things…i feel so good, so healthy and alive!

-Yes, but i wish i could take more care of you, Belle…

The way he pronounced the shortcut from Isabel made me remember…

-I’m sorry…Isabel…what’s wrong? Did i said something to make you so sad…please, Belle, tell me…

-It’s just that…today…i mean, 21 years ago…on All Saints Day…my mother passed away…and i used to spend this day, every year, with my dad…She always called me Isabel, not Alicia…and sometimes she called me Belle…saying i’m the light of her life…

With no words, he took me in his arms. It was warm and i felt safe…i looked deep in his blue eyes, wishing to feel his kiss…i closed my eyes, trying to keep the memory of that warm moment deep in my heart.

-Why don’t you call him? Your father…i think he must be so worried…you left almost a week ago. Call him, you’ll feel better…just tell him “i love you”…it’s never too late…

He was right…i needed to hear my dad’s voice, the only parent i still have on this earth…I took the phone and dialed the number, unsure about what to expect. He answer in a few seconds.

-Dad…

-Alicia! Where in the hell are you? Have you lost your mind? Your husband is going crazy, threatening everybody…i can’t believe how selfish and insane are your decisions…

-I miss you…

-Come back home, Alicia! It’s an order! I think your need for attention is more than satisfied now, with the chaos you created!

-I love you, dad…

And he said nothing. The phone slipped from my hands as i felt drowned in tears. Mark took the phone from my hand, put it aside and held me so gentle, caressing my hair, till i felt better…

-No one loves me, Mark…

-Shhhhh…you are so beloved…and you don’t even know it. God loves you so much, He’s always holding your hand so you wont fall…He’ll never leave you and He’ll always gonna answer to your prayers. And there’s your mom…watching you from up above…visiting you in your dreams and making you feel protected…And here, on Earth…there’s me…i love you and i need you in my life…I know it’s not much, but i’m offering you my heart, my love…my life…Belle…please don’t cry…cause when you cry, Heaven cries with you…

His words, so smoothing, like he was talking to a scared child…and his eyes, blue like the sky, in that moment i felt i’m in Heaven…

-Mark…you’re so good…why are you so good to me?

-Because I love you!

-And why do you love me?

-Cause you’re sweet. And why are you sweet? Cause you have chocolate right here, on your upper lip…And why are your lips painted with chocolate? Well…i guess i need to taste in order to answer…

His lips pressed against my lips…parting and tasting, playing and teasing, making me feel so hungry for more…

-I love you, Isabel…you taste like honey and it’s addictive…promise me you’ll never leave me…you’ll never take away the light you brought to my life…

-I’ll never leave you! I rather die…I love you too, Mark. You saved my life and you gave me a meaning…a feeling of fulfillment and joy. And as long as God will allow me on this Earth, i will love you…every day of my life.

-Even if i can’t offer you the lifestyle you’re used to have? Belle, i’m not rich…

-Now you’re the silly one! Mark, can’t you see how happy i am? I’m smiling and singing and dancing in the house…like a teenager. I’m so in love…please…stop talking and kiss me again…you brought the Heaven into my life…

In the arms of the man i love, the rest of the world seemed formed by shadows…empty shadows. I’m his and he’s mine…against all the human laws…in the name of love, knowing now that only Light can heal, love and protect. And that i’ll never get lost in the darkness…

An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…

Wish i were you

“Can’t you see I can give you

Everything you need

I’m the one who want to love you more.”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

-Tell me about this amazing guy you’re gonna meet next week!

-Ali, it wont be any amazing guy if i don’t find a proper dress to wear…I can’t go to the date wearing my uniform from work…

I looked at Anette trying to be as much sympathetic as she needed at the time. She really seemed upset and i wasn’t in my best mood…tired and sad after leaving the company…scared by the thought of working with (or should i say…for) Phillipe, still trying to adjust to my new life. A married woman…still couldn’t believe how my life changed in just a few months…

She interrupted my thoughts.

-Anyway, i shouldn’t bother you with my problems. I don’t even know why i told him to meet when i know my condition…cleaning rooms in the hotel…don’t get me wrong, Ali, i’m grateful for your effort to find me this job, is much better than being a servant to that i…sorry, to Phillipe. Keep forgetting he’s your husband…Know what? I’ll just cancel the date…he’s way out of my league…

-Why are you talking this way, Anette? You’re smart and beautiful and interesting. If he’s the one for you…he shouldn’t care about your pay check or the way you earn your money, right? And…know what?

-What?

-I have the perfect solution to your problems! I was afraid of saying before, cause i don’t want you to feel bad…but if i can help…Can i offer you a dress or a few dresses of my own? As a gift for you…i let you choose and you can try them at home…Will you?

I saw her blushing and i felt like doing a big mistake. And then i saw the tears in her eyes. I should have known…

-Anette, i’m so sorry…i never wanted to make you feel…

-No, Ali, it’s not this…just that no one before you…no one at all…was so nice to me. You’re like a sister to me…and i’m overwhelmed…cause you helped me so much…finding me a job…and with my mom’s treatment…and now this…And i’m still whining and complaining…But i’m just so insecure thinking i’m gonna see him for the first time…did i told you he’s a doctor?

-No, i only knew he’s from London and that you two met online on a chat room…didn’t knew he’s a doctor…that’s great!

-Here…i have a picture of him…see…he’s gorgeous. His name is Mark and i truly feel he’s the one for me…

She showed me the picture and i felt like falling in a deep swamp…uncontrollable feelings and my heart racing. Because in all this time i said to myself that i was dreaming…that he was only a vision from my tormented mind…but no, he is real…Mark…my Mark…i could still feel his kiss on my burning lips and his hands running trough my hair. AND IT WASN’T RIGHT! Someone i used to call “a ghost”, “a vision”…the love at first sight…maybe the love of my life…How could i be so foolish? He’s a real man! Using a chat room and dating Anette! My God…

-Ali…are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost…Ali! You’re all white and trembling…

-No…i’m ok…I just didn’t eat lunch and i think i’m catching a cold or something…Now come on…i promised you a new wardrobe, right? Let’s chose some nice dresses for you…

two hours later

-Alicia…why is this woman leaving our home with a big bag full of dresses? I thought we talked about it…you know how i hate when you’re so friendly with servants…

Trying to cover my true emotions…still shaking from deep inside my heart…I smiled at him, looking into his eyes and putting my arms around his neck.

-Well…technically…she’s not your servant anymore…and she needed some clothes…you know, for the first date and a few more…hopefully…She’s dating some doctor from London and she’s so insecure about her look and style and intelligence…actually…her everything…So, i thought i can help with a few dresses…you know i have too many clothes…

Phillipe started to laugh as he held me tight in his arms.

-My sweet princess…always running to help the needy ones…but there’s a fact i should tell you. Look at me, Alicia, when i talk to you…Alright…A servant remains a servant! You can dress her anyway you want! And about her insecurities…don’t make me laugh…why in the hell is she dating a doctor? Well, she’ll have a major break down after the first date, believe me!

-Why do you hate her so much? Because she’s poor?

-Because she’s a garbage! A disobeying garbage! Who, by the way, insulted you! And never…not in a million years, i’ll never be able to understand why you care for her! Sometimes i feel that you just likes to be insulted and abused…your choices seem to show it…

I felt hot steaming tears running down my cheeks. I looked at Phillipe wanting…dreaming…that just for one second…it could be Mark the one who’s holding me…or i could be her…the one who’s gonna feel his arms around her…

Phillipe grabbed my face and wiped away my tears. He melted his tone trying to comfort me.

-I was too harsh…i’m very sorry for hurting your feelings. Alicia, i think you’re amazing but i also think you’re very naive sometimes…and i made a promise to protect you, remember? My beautiful wife…Look, you know i don’t care about the money you spend…give her money…help her financial…but stay away from her. I never wanna see her in our home again, or around you, princess…understood? Good, now come here…no need to cry, baby…i’m not upset with you…

So, was it the destiny? My destiny…or just a cruel joke? A chance to say good bye to him…to see him one more time and look into his eyes. A chance to ask him why…

Why didn’t he gave me a chance? Why did he turned his back on me like that kiss never happened? Why did he broke his promise…letting me believe it was all just in my imagination. And…my God…why now? Now…when is too late…