Light of my heart and soul

“A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born”

(“When a child is born”)

How am i going to tell him? What if…my God, is almost Christmas…next year the Christmas will be so different…

-Alicia…baby, you know how upsetting it is to me when you do this! You heaven’t called me for hours and when i call you, you’re asking me to come here…in this church…

-You like it? The church…i just came here and i lost the track of time…I’m sorry, Phillipe…i went to see the doctor today and the tests took some time and the results…i forgot to call you…

-No, my love…i’m sorry…i should had come with you…i completely forgot about your appointment. You’re upset…i’m so sorry…but at least you saw the doctor. Did you told him all about last week? That you passed out twice…and that you’re not eating anything and the headaches, nightmares…

-Yes, i did…

-So, did he gave you some vitamins? Or is it just emotional…baby, let me see your eyes, they’re red, you cried…Tell me all about…

-I don’t know how to tell you…

-Alicia, honey…any treatment you may need…i’m right here beside you…

-No…there’s no cure for what i have…

He took my face in his hands and my tears appeared in my eyes beyond my control. He looked down with a sad expression and then his eyes just became empty…

-That’s why you wanted to see me here. In a church…To tell me how i’m gonna loose you…Know what? I hate HIM! Yes, your God…and HE’s not winning this time! Cause if HE’s taking you away from me…i swear…i will burn every single church…from the ground…i will destroy every single trace of HIS presence on this world! Alicia…say something, baby…

-I didn’t meant to…oh, Phillipe…now you have to promise me two things…

-Anything, my love…

-First one: that you’re gonna love her, if is a baby girl…The second one: you’re gonna spare one church, cause we need it for the baptism…

-Are you saying that…

-YES! My love…you need to lower your voice, cause your son is listening to you, right now…Or your daughter…the doctor said is way to early to tell…we’re only 6 weeks old…

He took me in his arms and lifted me slowly and started to kiss me…dancing with me in the church…And when he put me down, i saw him kneeling at my feet, looking up at me…his eyes filled with happy tears…a light i never saw before.

-Phillipe…i’m sorry for scaring you like that…i didn’t knew how to tell you…i’m still in shock. Here…the doctor gave me this picture…wanna see our baby?

He helped me to sit down and sat next to me…his hands were trembling and when he took the picture he kissed it…

-Look at this tiny heart…

-Alicia…princess…is it real? My son…my precious baby…he’s so tiny now…tell me everything…you’re alright? And the baby?

-We’re both doing great. Me…i felt so sick because of the hormones, the doctor said is normal, he gave me something to help me with the morning sickness…And the baby…is perfect…he’s strong like his father…

-And handsome like his mother…my love…do you love me? Here…give me your hands, they’re so cold…from now on you are my one and only priority…i can’t believe i missed the first echography…what kind of man am I? What if the baby wont like me?

I started to laugh, with tears in my eyes…happy tears…

-Mon amour…the baby will love you…like i love you…You’re my man, my one and only…And we’re gonna be parents…imagine me, being a mother…

-The most beautiful, loving and sweet mother in the entire world! And i’m the luckiest guy ever…please, tell me you’re never gonna leave me…

-I swear it…you and the baby are my world…my life…i was a fool, crazy and selfish and you forgave me and you took me back home and now…now i have something to live for…my baby…ours…

He kissed me again and again…

-Princess, is cold in here…let’s go home, i wanna take care of you…you need to eat and sleep well…you’re carrying the most precious child in the entire world…my son…

Today i cried…I thought i’ll never cry again, i thought i’ll never feel…till i heard a tiny but strong heart beat…my child…And from that moment nothing mattered anymore except for this amazing love i’m feeling inside my heart and soul. My baby…he brought The Light back in my life, he’s the living proof that GOD does exists…And that HE’s always ready to forgive, to love and to give us a new chance…

The end. 

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The girl who’s running to the Seashore…

“Cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.”

Avignon, Les Palais des Papes

-Welcome to the most important gothic building from Europe…under the UNESCO Patrimony…this Palace is the most safe building, made to resist to all the types of dangers…

The guide’s voice sounded in my ears like a old well know story. Me and Phillipe…we were at Avignon. He said he’s searching for the perfect castle for his princess, it sounded so romantic…but i knew it better. It is all about taking me out of Monte Carlo in weekends, to prevent me from seeing Peter. And he’s right, the best thing i can do is to avoid him, now that my nightmares are more and more rare… I need time to heal…that’s what i told to Phillipe, that’s what i said to myself in an attempt to justify my fears…

-Alicia…hope you feel alright…you heaven’t said a word since we came in the Palace.

-I was just thinking about what the guide said…i really feel safe in here.

-Baby, you’re always safe with me. And we’re going to have a beautiful dinner at my friends home. I told you about them, they have a 3 years old boy.

-That’s lovely! Are we going to stay over night there?

-No…we have the nuptial suit at Le Grand Hotel D’Avignon. We need privacy…you’ll love the view and we’ll have a private garden too.

-Looks like you thought about everything…

-Yes, princess…is my job to read your mind and make sure you’re happy. And i know what you need right now…

He leaned on me and kissed me gently. Running his fingers trough my hair, he pulled me closer to him…feeling his body, my mind was running wild…

-Phillipe, stop it…they are looking at as…

-Never, my love…i’ll never stop loving you. I have this fantasy of making love to you in a medieval castle. What do you say…think that the old Popes will be very upset with me? I’m just trying to make an angel fall in love with me…

I couldn’t stop thinking how lucky i am….how different is this relationship from any other…

Avignon, Bryce and Helen’s home

-The dinner was delicious…thank you Helen! Let me help you with the dishes, please.

-you’re so kind, Ali…i hope you and Phillipe will come often to our home, we don’t have so many friends and Robert adores you.

-your little boy is so precious! Can’t believe he felt asleep in my arms…you know, i just started to dream about having my own…

-Ali…Phillipe seems so in love…and if you want to have a baby…he’s the right guy…serious, responsible and still so passionate…

-…you’re crying? Helen…is there something wrong…please tell me, i wanna listen and help…

-is just that…we were like you…i don’t know what happened. In time…he just stopped to look at me like this…and i know i’m fat…he told me this. But i’m a woman too…i’m sorry Ali to bring this all on you…i just met you today…but i needed someone to talk to…

-Helen…you are a beautiful woman and you love him…and i know how it feels. I know how heart breaking is…

I opened my arms to give her the warmest hug…Yes, i knew all about rejection, i knew how is it to fall asleep crying because he just can’t see you…It makes you feel unattractive, depressed, ugly, unlovable…and angry. I felt so much anger and pain in my relationship with Peter…i almost forgot who i am. I became insecure…i’m still paying the price for my lack of courage. The courage to break free…

Bryce and Helen’s home, in the garden

-Ali, did you saw Helen?

-i think she’s with Robert…i heard him crying…

-can i sit here next to you, Ali? I know Phillipe would break my legs to know i’m alone in the garden with you, but…

-can i ask you something? I saw Helen crying…

-yes…all that drama. I thought of divorcing her but i’m staying for the child…other wise…

-so you don’t love her anymore? She’s feeling so alone…and she’s a beautiful woman…

-Ali…she’s the mother of my child, of course i love her…i always will love her. But sleeping with her? She’s obese! I tried to help her lose some weight but she’s eating all the sweets…I’m a man…i just can’t…

-just try to make her feel beautiful and wanted…Bryce, she has no motivation for losing weight if you keep saying that you don’t want her. When you said about divorce…it really makes me cry thinking of that beautiful little boy…

-now let me ask you something, Ali…how come that someone so sweet and lovely like yourself is dating Phillipe?

-…

-you know, right? About him…really Ali, you’re just too carrying and innocent…

Phillipe showed up and, before i could say anything, Bryce and Helen were saying good bye to us.

in our way to Le Grand Hotel d’Avignon

-what did they give to you? Everywhere you go, people are giving you things, Alicia…

-jealous?…maybe a little? i said laughing. Alright, i’ll show you…

-a painting…sure, i forgot that Bryce is painting…what is written there?

-let me see…The girl who’s running to the Seashore…is the name of the painting. It’s a girl, i think is me…dressed in a white dress running in the middle of the storm. The waves are so dramatic…it look like she’s running directly in the sea…Phillipe…this paint is giving me a feeling of…just look at the sky…is black…

He stopped the car.

-Alicia, let’s trow away the painting. I don’t like this…he was my best friend but that does not give him the right…Just give me the painting!

-No, let me look. He wrote a message for me, let me read…

-Alicia, don’t…

-“The girl who’s running to the Seashore…trying to escape the storm inside her. She should save her soul before she’ll be completely drawn into the darkness…running scared in the arms of the pain… princess and rebel at the same time…she lost the crown of dreams. Will she be able to survive in a kingdom of hopeless fears…For Alicia with all our love, Bryce and Helen”

-Alicia…that’s crazy…i don’t know what was in his mind…baby, you got tears in your eyes…

-it’s about me…and you. They were saying…i’m really afraid now, Phillipe…

-look into my eyes, my love…see any threat? It’s only love…one day you’ll be the mother of my children…and i won’t hurt you, never…please don’t lose your faith in us just because some crazy people are jealous of what we have…

Looking at the painting was like looking inside of a mirror. Sometimes we all are lost in the kingdom of hopeless fears…i have one dream left untouched by the storm…the dream that his love…our love will show me the way back to the light…