No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)

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In the light of the morning sun

“Steal my heart with every note you play
I pray you’ll look my way
And hold me to your heart someday
I long to be the one that you caress with
tenderness
And you don’t know
You don’t even know that I exist.”

(Toni Braxton-“Spanish guitar”)

The cold air on my skin was giving me shivers…a strange light…is it already morning? How could it be…it seemed like i only slept for a few minutes…my eyes were still closed and i could feel the traces of the tears that i cried…falling asleep crying was lately my only way…I held my breath for a moment realizing i’m not alone in the room. Someone was there, caressing my hair…for a moment i thought i’m dreaming…his strong and gentle arms holding me tight. He must sensed i’m cold…because now his hands were gently rubbing my bare shoulders, going down…

My breath accelerated while i could feel my heart beating so fast…memories came back…last night…i just wanted to erase them…For a moment i imagined myself lying there, on the big white bed, asleep, wearing that silky nightgown…i knew i’m almost naked and i could feel in his touches how much he loved seeing me like this. His body was warm and feeling him so close made me tremble inside. He kissed my closed eyes and the traces of my tears…i could feel his warm breath on my neck and i could almost sense him smiling when the goosebumps appeared on my skin.

Maybe i’m just dreaming, maybe he’s not even real…sleepy thoughts…should i open my eyes and regain my control…or should i lye there and feel…just feel…in my mind were playing different scripts…but how could i fight this pleasure…how could i struggle with my desire…because my body in his hands, under his kisses was like an violin played by an expert. And he knew…playing with his fingers, kissing, caressing…every sensitive spot of my skin…and the smell of his body…the sweet pressure…he was moving so gently, so careful not to wake me up…

Like a fantasy come true…later in the morning i’ll just pretend nothing happened…just a dream…but my body will know…My eyes were still closed…fighting the temptation of opening them…what’s the point of facing reality…he’s having the control…just like he wanted…and it was so easy to let him…just to let him…It felt like there isn’t really a choice…i didn’t really had a choice…and it felt easier just to accept his desire…

But the sensation was so real…how can i pretend anymore…it were waves of warm pleasure invading my senses…and any attempt of fighting was useless…is just too late…we’re making love…no, he’s making love and i’m just pretending i’m not there…but i feel him with all my body and soul…it’s just too much to keep inside and my tears were falling down my cheeks…He saw them…he sensed my inner struggle…cause i could feel him kissing me, touching my face with an infinite tenderness…saying it’s alright…

The silky fabric of my nightgown felt so cold on my warm skin…i could still feel my body trembling…longing to feel him again…he’s holding me so close…like he’s afraid i’ll vanish…I slowly open my eyes…the light of the morning sun is too bright and i want the darkness of the sleep back…i want my dream back…i’m just hurting inside, deep inside my heart…He’s asking me how i feel and i can’t talk…he understands. He tells me how magic it feels to hold me in the morning light…i just can’t stop crying…

His words are reassuring and his voice is so warm…telling me he never meant to hurt me…i believe him and i see the blue of the sky in his eyes. He’s kissing my hair and he’s trying to tell me something. But he just stops…i know what he feels…i can feel he’s going trough some struggles too…but what’s the point? I’m trying to tell him that i’m fine, but he knows i’m lying and he doesn’t let me speak…kissing me with a desperate passion…

Because we both know it’s over…

And we both know that no dream can come true in the light of the morning sun…

Nothing but dust

“Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin
Dance me through the panic till I’m gathered safely in
Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove
Dance me to the end of love…”

(Leonard Cohen-“Dance me till the End of Love”)

He took me in his arms lifting me slowly and carrying me to the bed…

-Princess…you don’t know how happy you made me showing up to my door. I miss holding you and kissing you…I miss making love to you…

-wait, Phillipe, i have something to say to you…

-later, my beauty…i think i have waited long enough…you’re always with someone else, always too busy or feeling bad…

-Phillipe, i’m here to tell you it’s over. There’s no easy way to do that, but you’ll see in time…i made the right choice.

He looked in my eyes with a calm that gave me cold shivers.

-No, baby, we’re not over. And if it’s about the company, i’ll give it back to you right now. I even thought to buy you something…i know how much you miss the model agency, so i thought i could buy it for you…you know, just to have a hobby till our baby is born..

-What you said now…it’s crazy. And no, i don’t want the company, i don’t want anything. I just want you to let me go. Completely and forever…

-princess…you know that’s not possible. I love you and i want you…you’re just confused. I know what you need…now come back in my arms and let’s make love. You’re mine, remember?

The sadness i was feeling was overwhelming. He didn’t seemed to heard me or to understand me.

-I’m in love with someone else! Do you understand now? I didn’t wanted to be cruel, but i can’t stand to be touched by you. He’s in my mind all the time…i’m sorry i had to tell you…

There was something wild in his eyes, like that night in the castle. He grabbed my hands making me feel helpless…

-Who? Never mind…i don’t believe you. And if it’s true, too bad for you! You’ll learn to love me, because i’m not letting you go, Alicia. One day, you’ll thank me for pushing things like this. You’re acting like a spoiled princess who lost a toy and now she’s angry to the entire world. But you know what? This time it’s not working! Not the tears, not the vulnerable look, not the trembling of your body…nothing! I told you once, but you forgot…i always win. What is it now? You’re afraid…so sweet…

-I’m not afraid, i’m sick to my stomach, Phillipe! Do you even know what love is? Did you ever loved anybody other than yourself? Ok, you can have me, there’s no way i can fight you…we can have sex…but love? No, monsters can’t love. And i don’t care…

-You don’t want your company back?

-No.

-I told you before…you’ll kill your father. This is his life…you take it away from him.

-So, if you care so much about my dad, give him the company. I promised him i’ll do my best in our trip and i’m going to keep my promise. Of course, you’re the boss…maybe you want me to resign right now, i’ll be happy to do it.

-Alicia, don’t…i’m sorry, baby. For everything i said before…i’m like possessed when i’m around you. I don’t know how to control myself anymore. Princess…forgive me. I agree with everything you said and if you want i’ll never touch you again. We’re breaking up if that is your choice. Look, right now i’ll return the company to your dad, ok? Just come with me in this trip…I love you too much and i need just a little more time with you. You realize that you called me “a monster”? And all i did is loving you and protecting you. Alicia, you hurt me so much…

A few weeks ago i said that everything i touch turns into dust. I was wrong. In all this time i was touching dust. Hoping, praying, lying to myself that i found true love. But dust remains dust. Always and forever…

I thought this love will never end…

“Rainy days never say good bye

To desire, when we are together,

Rainy days, growing in your eyes,

Tell me where’s my way…”

(Gazebo-“I like Chopin”)

The party was over…and there we were, in the pale light and the sweet sound of Chopin’s piano. After an evening full with polite words and meaningless smiles, small and empty talk, just to make everybody feel how important they are…hoping we’ll get all the support for our our new  cause. And it worked…wearing a light-blue dress and a perfect smile i was capable to make the polite conversation, ignoring the questions about my rich american fiancee (yes…someone said that and everybody took this news as real, even if i tried to deny)…

All i wanted, all i waited was to feel his arms around me. Peter’s arms…to dance with him, to touch him, to let him know he’s all i care about in the whole world. It felt so painful to pretend we’re only business partners, i could shout out loud that i’m in love…

-This evening was a complete success…ant it was all because of you, my sweet Aly. I’m so proud of you…you became such a classy business woman…

-No, Peter, it was…us. Every time we do something together, it’s just like magic. Thank you for believing in my idea and for supporting me in all these busy days. Can’t believe it’s over…

He pulled me closer to his body, kissing me softly. Magic was in the air…he looked in my eyes and i could see so much love, such a warm feeling…

-I love you…i whispered as my heart started to beat real fast…

-Aly…i have to ask you something…

I closed my eyes for one second, thinking that now is the perfect time. He’ll propose me…All my dreams will come true…a big house full with children…a backyard with a swing…

-…yes?…

-Who’s Philippe?

-…

-Aly…if you don’t wanna tell me, it’s ok. But, you know, he’s sending you red roses every day, people started to comment…they all think you’re with Matt…and it’s not good for our image on the market…

I tried hard not to cry…after all i promised myself to be stronger. The only thing he cared about was the business. And me…foolish dreams…

-I’ll tell you…Philippe is a friend of Tess. She introduced him to me and we talked a few times. Then he started to send me the roses. But why you care about this? It’s not like he’s the first guy who sends me flowers…or should i tell him to send the roses to my apartment? To avoid the comments…you know i never would do anything to affect your business…

-Now you’re being ironic…

-Not at all…i just thought you’re gonna ask me something else…

He smiled at me, looking deep in my eyes…

-Aly…i thought about something…we are so good together…maybe we should get married…what do you say?

It was not the kind of proposal i was dreaming about…but still…it was him…my only love. My eyes was filled with happy tears…

-Are you saying…you’re asking me to…Peter…you know how much i dreamed about this moment…

He continued talking like he didn’t saw my reaction. Like he had something to get off his chest…or a message to send…

-Of course…we should talk to our lawyers first…to have the prenuptial agreement ready in time. You agree with this, right, Aly? In case we’ll decide to divorce it will be much easier if we…you know, a divorce could be expensive and messy…it’s better to sign a few papers and we’re over with all the complications…

I felt like the sky was falling down over me…my knees was weakening and i felt like all the blood was drained out of me.

-Aly, honey…are you all right? Did you eat something today? Or just coffee? You’re so pale…like you’re gonna pass out…let’s seat somewhere…

I pulled myself from his arms…

-It’s over, Peter…

-What do you mean?

-We are over…so over…i can’t even look in your eyes now…i need air…i can’t breath in your presence…

-Don’t go…please, Aly…don’t leave like this…you’re not feeling good…you need to eat something and to sleep…and how do you mean we’re over…we were talking about marriage…

It was too late…i was running outside, away from him, away from this relationship that caused me so much pain…

The night was dark and cold…my tears were a painful reminder of so many other tears i cried for him…the phone interrupted my thoughts…it was Philippe…

-Hello, Alicia, sorry for calling you so late…i have a message from Tess on my cell…i think it’s for you…she say that she left Monte Carlo for a while and wish you all the best…something about an unfinished business in the US…want me to forward the message to you?

-Philippe…

-You cried? I can tell by the sound of your voice…now what happened?

-…nothing…me and Peter…we’re over, this time is for good…Philippe…can i come to your place? I need someone to hold me…i don’t think i can make it trough without you…

-You wanna spend the night with me? Are you sure? You’re more then welcomed…

I noted the address and took the first cab…thinking all the time that i’m probably crazy…searching for love in places where only madness lies ahead…

When i look into your eyes…

“Cause i love you, but i can’t take anymore,

There’s a look i can’t describe in your eyes,

We could try, like we tried before,

Would you keep on telling me those lies…”

(Phil Collins-“Do you remember?”)

-Remember the dress i was wearing that night? White and silky, a texture so light and soft…what was the name of the designer? If we could include his creations in our presentation…i don’t know…a special guest, maybe? What do you think?

-of course i remember…i’ll never forget how lovely you looked in that dress…your dark brown hair was contrasting the light color of the dress…but your skin was softer than the texture…and you were trembling  even if the air was so warm…when you came closer i was sensing your perfume…and i couldn’t stop…i had to kiss you…

-you were so gentle and so passionate…you asked me if i’m afraid…

-…and you told me that you’re afraid of your feelings…i asked you if you are in love with me, hoping to hear you saying yes…remember what you told me?

-…that you’re all i ever dreamed about…my whole world…and then i took your hand and i made you feel my heart beating…you kissed me and the sensation was so intimate and sensual that i felt like melting inside…you kissed that little spot, behind my ear…and moved down to my neck…and i can’t remember how…but my dress was at my feet…

-…you were beautiful…and that innocent look in your eyes…when you touched me, your hands felt so unsure…like if it was the first  time you were touching a man’s body…

-…i was scared…realizing that nothing had prepare me for that night…not the books…not the movies i saw…for the first time i let myself guided by my instinct and my desire for you…and my love…but you touched me like you knew all my secrets…all my secret pleasures…the secret places…and when i felt for the first time that intensity…it was amazing…

-…at some point i thought i should stop it…but i wanted you like i never wanted any other woman before…and the thought of being the first for you was driving me crazy…i wanted that feeling…i was afraid too…you looked at me with those innocent eyes and i was wandering what you feel…was it pain…desire…but then you told me that you love me…

-…and you smiled at me…i knew right in that moment that my safe place is in your arms…and you made me feel like i’m the only woman on earth…and you told me that you want me in your life forever…

I saw the emotion in his eyes…Lying on the bed, next to him…running my fingers through his hair…touching his body gently with slow moves…

-Peter…i just wanna be like that one more time…i made so many mistakes, but deep inside i’m the same girl…you still can feel my heart…

-Your mistakes were our mistakes…maybe you’re the same girl…i’m not the same man…

-Just look in my eyes…Peter…you’ll see the same desire…the same love…i said trying desperate to find in his eyes a sign…something to hold on to…

His eyes were now cold as ice. He turned this body on the other side of the bed. His voice sounded tormented  like fighting with a feeling inside…

-It’s late, Aly, we shouldn’t got into this…good night…

I left the room with tears in my eyes, knowing that he’s right. It’s late…much too late…

And in the darkness i could find some peace of mind…because sometimes love is not enough…and i needed a closure…just to go on with the rest of my life…without him.