My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

Advertisements

Don’t say the words…

“Tell me…tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you’re so sure
Please don’t tell me that I’m the only one that’s vulnerable”

(Secondhand Serenade-“Vulnerable”)

-You’re not going anywhere! You’re gonna stay right here and explain to me! Yes…right now! Where were you last night?

Phillipe was starring at me without any intention of dropping the subject. I was still euphoric after my night with Peter…my “good bye night”. Strangely, i felt only joy, not a single trace of guilt…in fact, i felt more free like never before. I needed that night to have my closure to a love that never seemed to end, to a relationship that never seemed to work.

And here i was, in the middle of a messy situation, the kind of things that i’m specialized to create. Still with my heart so easy and full of joy. Phillipe, on the other hand, didn’t seemed to enjoy it too much. He was fixing me with a dark look, dangerously close to my body. The thought that he might know…I felt so relief that i had the chance to shower at Peter’s home…

-You know how afraid i am to sleep alone…

I looked in his eyes with the most innocent look, trying to melt his anger.

-This doesn’t answer my question. I was calling you the whole night and your cell was closed. Do you realize how angry i am right now? How many times do i have to tell you…

-Well, i never agreed to your rules! I think they are ridicule and embarrassing and i’ll never follow them!

His eyes were like fire, a cold fire burning inside him. I tried to turn my back at him but he grabbed my hands holding them tight and presing me against the wall.

-I told you…you’re not going anywhere! How are my rules? Tell me once again!

-Yes, gladly! Let me think: don’t leave the house without asking permission…ridicule! And…always answer to the phone…impossible! And…yes, my favorite…don’t mix with the servants…like you are above them! The most annoying one…don’t work in the house…like i’m some porcelain doll made only for your pleasure…Sir…!

-Alicia, if you don’t stop it right now…

-What? Oh…i’m so afraid…the scary creature is gonna eat me alive…save me, prince of darkness…

I started to laugh…feeling a strange mixture of anger and fear. My heart was beating so fast and my breath started to fastened. I looked into his eyes, biting my bottom lip in anxiety. He grabbed my chin with one hand, still holding my body captive against the wall…I closed my eyes and he kissed me. And i felt it was more than a kiss…all the anger turned into passion. His gestures showed no gentleness or tenderness but i could feel how he’s trying to control something inside him. At the end, i felt breathless and speechless…and i couldn’t hold my thoughts.

He spoke first.

-I don’t recognize myself around you. Sometimes, baby, you push my limits to the edge. Look at me…Alicia, don’t cry…

-I’m so…sorry…

-Baby…no, it’s alright! Maybe i need to rethink the way i’m living. You came into my life like a little storm, ravishing all around you…

-Do you still love me? I have to tell you something…

He softly touched my cheek, going slowly down on my neck.

-Phillipe, don’t…is about last night.

-Yes…you were afraid to sleep alone, so you got out the house and walked on streets alone the whole night…

I kept the silence. His tone became frustrated…

-Right, princess? Is this what happened, alright? And, now…i’m gonna say one thing and listen to me carefully…if you’ll ever do this again…you are gonna regret it for the rest of your life. Understood?

-yes…whatever…

-Don’t talk back to me, cause you’re in trouble…I hate cheaters and liars…Alicia, don’t push my limits this way…ever again.

-I understand, Phillipe…

He smiled at me like smiling to a child who just answered right…

But i didn’t felt like a child…i felt like an adult who’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I knew it from the start…there’s no trace of maturity in cheating and lying. And i’m just wondering…forgiving myself so easily…isn’t it just a better way to cover my true emotions? Being vulnerable is the easiest thing to me…like my true nature. But what’s beyond this? Who’s the real woman behind the foolish mistakes…

Give me something for the pain…

“I’m walking down this empty road to nowhere
I pass by the houses and blocks I once knew.

My Mama told me not to mess with sorrow
But I always did, and Lord, I still do
I’m still breaking the rules.”

(Roxette-“Crash!Boom!Bang!”)

-So…it worth it…a little scratch on my knees, a little pain in my head, a few bruises…maybe i should get hit by a car more often! Of course, i won’t be able to do the cat walk for a while, but that’s ok, i resigned anyway…and i had to be brave when that doctor (who, by the way, is behaving like i’m dying or something) decided to torture me by cleaning the wounds without anesthetic…

-I don’t know how can you make fun of this…Aly, my heart stopped when they called me…it was like a nightmare come true. I never felt more scared or lost in my entire life. The thought of loosing you…i swear…i can’t live without you. The doctor said it was a miracle…do you realize that you could be dead and i…

His eyes were filled with tears. I believed him…He was holding my hands like he was afraid that in the minute he will let me go, i’ll vanish. I felt scared too…the image of the car, the sound of the breaks, my own body on the ground and the pain…and than the hospital…they called Peter because i noted his number in case of…i did this when we were together and i forgot to change it…

-Look, Peter, i’m sorry they called you…

-No, don’t be! I love you…i realized how wrong i was, hurting you like this…now all i want is to get you out of this hospital, to take you home and start living the life that you wanna live…You and i, honey…and our house filled with children.Our kids, Aly! I wanna make your dream come true…

-Without the prenuptial agreement? Are you sure?

-I was stupid! An idiot! I tried to hurt you because i was jealous of that lawyer of yours. Phillipe…don’t know where you found this guy…his methods are barely legal. Aly, just forget about him! Come back to me, let me make you happy…

The door was suddenly open. He was standing there looking deeply concerned…

-Phillipe…

-God, Alicia, you gave me quite a scare! Never do that again! Are you alright? The doctors told me about a head trauma…

He came to me and took me in his arms, completely ignoring Peter’s presence…Then, out of the blue, he turned and looked at Peter.

-I don’t think Alicia needs you anymore, so it would be better if you leave now. Your presence here is disturbing her and i need to talk to my client in private. Do you understand? Or do i need to call security to take you out?

-How dare you? Let’s settle this right now…let’s go outside…

I started to feel panicked…and then i saw a file in Phillipe’s hand.

-What’s there? In that file…

-Nothing important, Alicia. Now it’s not the right time to do this, the doctor said you need to rest…

-Show me…i wanna see. It’s for me, right? You said you have something to show me…i remember now, but i had the accident…

-Phillipe, don’t do this! You don’t have to…she don’t need to go trough this right now…

Peter was almost bagging him…

-Give me that!

The file opened and i saw…

People said that the a picture is worth like a million words. It’s true. I saw the truth. They say the truth will set you free…i didn’t felt free. I felt like i’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Pictures of Peter…with another girl. She looked like less then 20…a model from our…no, his agency. And more pictures with more girls. And one picture…Peter and Tess, kissing…Tess…

I felt the whole world spinning around me…and then black, all black. An intense and disturbing noise from some monitor, people talking around me…a distant pain in my arm…a voice telling something about the blood pressure…

I woke up in a white bed with a nurse next to me and a smiling doctor.

-Welcome ┬áback! You had a shock and your blood pressure was extremely high. We stabilized you and we gave you some medication for the pain. You should feel sleepy. You’re staying here over night and i’m sorry but you’re not allowed to have any more visitors. The nurse will keep you company. Do you have any pain now? Is important to tell us if you feel any discomfort.

I thanked them and i said i’m alright. I don’t have any discomfort…

Just a burning pain in my heart. Like a knife cutting me in pieces…Of course, there’s no cure for that…

Just tell me a lie…

“I know i promised baby i would be the one who makes our dreams come true

I ain’t to proud of all the struggles and the hard time we’ve been trough

But when this cold world comes between us,

Please tell me you’ll be brave,

Cause i can realize the danger

When forgiveness fades away…”

(Bon Jovi-“Lie to me”)

Back to his place, i was trying to figure out a way to explain to myself all the crazy things and all the rushed decision i made lately…

-You should stay here the rest of the day…

-I can’t Tony…is already late and Peter must be worried. And my cell…

-I threw it away…i wish i could do the same with Peter…and Liz and Tess…and the agency where you waste all that energy…

-What about me? My past? My pictorials? And my dreams…you wish to throw away my own life too?

-Now you’re being melodramatic, Isabel…You’ll forget all about this sad life once we’ll get married…

-I don’t wanna forget…Sometimes, Tony, i feel like you’re a stranger who doesn’t even know me at all…I gotta go now.

I was furious…realizing how wrong i was…how could i made this confusion…Love is much more then sexual attraction…

-No. I wont let you go. I wanna spend the whole day with you and that’s what we’ll do. I know you want it too…

I looked at him with sadness…

-No, i don’t. It’s over…once i’ll go out that door we are history…

I must shocked him because he was starring at me without a word…out of sudden, i saw him standing in front of me, looking with a cold expression…

-Listen to me careful, Isabel…it’s not over till i say it is. I’ll open the door for you because i don’t wanna do something i’ll regret later. Do you understand? Good…Now go and get some sleep, you’re being irrational…

I tried to keep myself brave, but i was in panic…I runned down the stairs and couldn’t stop running till i was close to home…i didn’t felt safe until i was inside…

Peter came running to me, his eyes showed how worry he was…he took me in his arms and held me close like he wanted to make sure i’m real…

-Aly…i was so worried…are you ok? i almost called the police…

-I was with…

-Don’t say this…don’t do it…i already talked to Tess. She tried to cover up your story, but…

-Peter…i have to tell you something. It’s about me…i did something and now i can’t go back and make things right…

-Aly…i can’t go through that with you. Not again…I wont stand here to listen to you telling me that you’re in love with someone else and that you wanna be with him…

-No, i’m not in love…i made a terrible mistake…i’m sorry…it’s all over and if you can forgive me…

He saw the tears in my eyes…it was like we were back in time three years ago…back to the place and time that changed us forever…

-I love you, Aly, but i can’t trust you. I don’t wanna know who is he or for how long is this going on. I want you to try, to really try to respect what we have, even if it’s not enough for you…

I saw so much pain in his eyes, so much hurt…i did this…and it’s a pattern that can only destroy our lifes…i did this once again to us…

-Liz was right…i don’t deserve you, Peter…

-Now…tell me that you’re back and that you love me…i don’t wanna hear nothing else…

-I love you. I’m with you and only with you…nobody else…i never left you and i never loved other man…

He smiled to me, a sad and lonely smile and in that moment i sword to myself that i’ll never do that again…

And i lied to myself saying i’ll be ok…that Tony was nothing but an affair…that i’m happy it’s over…But deep inside i keep dreaming…and deep inside i still live the perfect romance…

Or, at least, i’m still searching…

Can you really play this game?

“Well, in case you failed to notice,

In case you failed to see…

This is my heart, bleeding before you,

This is me down on my knees…”

(Jewell-“Foolish games”)

The door slammed…Standing alone, in my office, i was remembering every word i said to her. It was not the first time when a model’s contract ended suddenly. She was wrong, she knew that…but still she left the office crying. And i was the one who told her the bad news…great job, i said to myself…

I heard a move and steps into my office…

-I don’t think there’s something more to discuss. I did all i could…this situation was difficult enough…i said thinking that she came back…

-You got that right! that familiar voice made me drop the papers i was holding in my hands…

-Tony, how did you get in?

-You never answered my calls, or my emails…And then that strange message from you, telling me that “this was a mistake…”. Tell me you didn’t mean that, Isabel…

He seem sad, confuse, lost…

-I’m sorry, Tony…it was amazing, but it was wrong…i try to make things right again with Peter and it’s not the moment to start something new…

-So, you used me? You were upset and you wanted some company…i was good to satisfy you but not good enough to be taken seriously? Of course…how could i imagined…

His voice became cold as he looked at me with anger. A few steps back and he locked the door…then he came closer, much to close to my body…i could feel his breath on my neck as he started to kiss me…And this time, it was nothing gentle about his touches…i felt him passionately, full with desire…

-Tony, what are you doing? I just told you…and we’re in my office…Peter should stop by any moment…

-What do you think i’m doing? his voice sounded harsh, giving me shivers…I give you what you need…

-I don’t need this! i said trying to push him away.

My moves were useless…he was pushing me against the wall, making me feel how strong and excited he was…my body responded to his touches…

-It’s my turn to play…let me show you how it feels to be used…he whispered in my ear…

-Tony, we can’t make love here…

He was busy undressing me, almost tearing my dress…he held my hands over my head, making me feel so vulnerable…i knew i had to stop him…but something inside me was unable to fight his passion…

-Baybe, who said something about love…it’s just sex, the way you wanted, right? And you better keep quiet, or your precious Peter will know all about…

Like he knew, like he felt that…Peter was knocking at the door…

-Alicia, are you in there? Open the door, there’s some paper you need to sign…

With a malicious smile, Tony let my hands…I put my dress on in half second…My breath was still so fast, my hair was ravished…

I opened the door, trying to stay as calm as i could be…

-Why on earth were you two locked in here? asked Peter

-By…by mistake…i said with an unsure voice…

Tony looked at me with cold eyes…His look was like a knife, tearing apart my heart…

-Isabel…he said calmly…why don’t you say the truth to him? Look, Peter, we were just about to have wild, hard sex in here…you interrupted us…

For a moment, i heard my heart beating. The silence was unbearable…

Peter started laughing so hard, as i was trying not to cry…

-Ok, i see…italian humour, right, Tony? You’re a little crazy…stop by the house sometimes to have a drink with us. Aly, here are the papers, read them once more, will you? And i need those documents signed in an hour…

Tony was at the door…

-I leave you two alone…it looks like you’re busy. And, Peter, maybe i’ve gave you some ideas…he said smiling ironic as he left…

Standing alone at the office i felt the weight of the world on my shoulders…So ironic…right in the moment when i was about to forgive and forget…and have a new start…

…i may never find forgiveness…i may never have a second chance…