Her blue heart…

“Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible…”

(Shontelle-“Impossible”)

-Ali, you’re not yourself anymore! You dress different, you talk different…and the look in your eyes, like you’re not there anymore…What happened to you? Phillipe…i know he has something to do with this cause, ever since you came back from London, you’re a different person! Ali…you’re not listening to me…

-Look, Peter, i’m tired…so, why did you wanted to see me? To convince yourself that i’m a different person? To see me with your own eyes…you saw, now leave me alone…

I really felt tired and sad. He tried to take me in his arms and i pushed him away. No more…

-See…this is exactly what i mean! You push me away, you push everybody else away…You don’t laugh anymore, you don’t cry anymore, you’re silent and cold. Remember a year ago, we were planning Christmas and you were dancing out in the street…I took you in my arms and i said “Alicia, you’re gonna catch a cold…” and you kept dancing and you said…

-“How could i catch a cold if i’m wearing a volcano in my heart?” i said with a sad smile.

-Where’s the volcano? Where’s the passion…Ali, i’m extremely worried…i wish you just talk to me. I wish i could just see in your eyes, just one more time…

…The girl i used to be…wanna hear a story? A really sad one? About a girl who had it all? Money, a family, beauty and the love of her life…Yes, she felt in love once and he wanted her. They moved together and she dreamed of a life with him. She dreamed of children and grandchildren…Eight Christmases, that’s all she had with him. Every one had a different color. The last one was blue, like his eyes. Like her heart…

No one told her how to fix her heart. She tried…in other arms…she tried to make it right again. But her broken heart broke even more. “A blue heart is still beautiful”. That’s what she kept repeating to herself…till she couldn’t stand her own lies. And one day, he noticed…and he took her heart in his hands, he put a nice blue ribbon on and he just returned the broken gift…”Take it back, it wasn’t mine…it was never mine”…that’s what he said…Another lie, a cruel and cold lie…

The girl tried to escape from the pain inside…in the only place where she felt safe. In her own mind, in her own imagination…she felt it so real…What if…and this thought gave her wings…what if true love belongs to a virtual place? Than this man…who said “i love you”…may he be the One? If love cannot be found in real world…

Mean while in reality…someone saw her blue heart and decided he wants her. A blue heart for his own private collection. He was rich, he thought he could buy it. But her heart wasn’t for sell…it’s priceless and it only comes as a gift. “Princess, i never lose and i have every right to fight using everything and everyone to win this blue heart of yours. So, just say it, i would pay any price…your life? A child’s life? Your father’s company? Name the price and i’ll pay it!”…

She should had run away…but deep inside her heart she was a warrior and she decided to stay and defend her freedom to chose. Poor girl, so full of herself…She never knew that she’ll be the one paying the price. Her soul, her life…her freedom…

And i can’t remember if she finally gave him her heart, or if she’s still searching for someone who can fix it. All i know is that he still call her “princess” and he still says he loves her. And he’s still willing to give anything, to pay no matter how much to have her. Does this mean she’s precious? It should count for something…

-ALI! You realize you’re not saying a damn thing? Girl…if you’re not going to tell me right now what’s in your mind…

-Do NOT shout at me, Peter! Do NOT give me orders! Do you understand? I’m not your sub! If you really wanna know, i was thinking that this is my first Christmas without you…

-Awww…i’m sorry, Ali…i know, baby, it’s hard for me too. But you’re happy with your husband, right? Phillipe is treating you right? And lately, every time i see you two together, you seems so in love with him…always kissing and cuddling…

-That’s true…he’s my husband and i love him with all my heart. My blue heart…

Yeah, right…

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My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

Swimming with the sharks

“Time after time I tried to walk away
But its not that easy,
When you soul is torn in two
So I just resigned myself to it everyday
And now all that I can do is to leave it up to you.”

(Jamelia-“Stop”)

The earth is shaking…i’m running and i’m terrified to see that i didn’t moved at all! They are all falling down…there’s Peter with Estelle, there’s Liz, Tony, my father…Someone is reaching a hand calling my name…he said “Help me” and i wanna go back to save them all. And then i see her. My mother…she’s above us, dressed in white, surrounded by light. Her voice is like i remember…”It’s alright, Belle…just don’t look back!”. But i’m looking back…and something dark and cold is suffocating me…”

-Isabel…wake up…open your eyes, look at me! It’s over, it was just a nightmare! Keep breathing and count…you had a panic attack…

I woke up, trying hard to breath trough the tears…Another nightmare, another panic attack…another dream with my mother. Mark took me in his arms, holding me so tight…

-Sweet girl…why are you so tormented…i would do anything to make these nightmares go away…Come here…your heart is racing and you almost stopped breathing. I know how hard is to control a panic attack during sleep…but you’re safe now…

-Mark…

-Welcome back, Isabel…

-What time is it? So early…i guess i felt asleep watching tv…i dreamed something…Liz was there too…

-You miss her, don’t you? It’s alright…please don’t look down, she’s your friend and you heaven’t saw her for so long. And i have an idea! Why don’t you call her? Call Liz, talk to her for a while, it will help you…

-You’ll do this for me? Mark, you’re so amazing…

-And you’re so silly sometimes! Alright…all settle…call her…

Her voice so familiar and still so far away made me feel like i’m in another dimension in time and space…

-Hi Liz…

-Aliiiii! Thanks God you called! Are you alright, Ali?

-Yes, i’m more than alright…i’m so happy, Liz…i just miss you very much…

-Ali, if you knew what’s going on here! Phillipe lost his mind completely! He’s trying to intimidate everybody…Imagine…he found something about Tony…some stuff with his business…he wanna send Tony back to Italy if we don’t bring you back. And i told him that i have no idea about where you are but he doesn’t believe me…And Peter…

-What’s going on with Peter?

-He was arrested yesterday…accused of molesting Estelle…the poor girl doesn’t even remember, but Phillipe had a recorded declaration of her…anyway, it probably means nothing, you know Peter…he always lands on his feet…By the way…Peter is desperate, he thinks you’re death or something…

-My God…what about my father? Is he ok?

-Your father told me he doesn’t recognize you as his daughter anymore…he’s so upset with you…he’s spending so much time with Phillipe…they even tried to go to Police and declare you missing, but you wrote a letter, so the Police is not involved…at least i heard is not…then your father and Phillipe tried to declare you mentally disable…

-What?!…

-Yes…but that therapist…Raimondo…and something…said to the authorities that you’re perfectly capable of taking any decision and that you’re not suffering of any mental illness…And…do you know someone named Bryce? With a child who’s suffering of leukemia?

-Yes, little Robby…how is he feeling? You talked to Bryce?

-It seems that Phillipe was paying for Robby’s treatment…and he stopped the payment…saying that is all up to you. Bryce told me that Phillipe used the words “he can go to hell” talking about the child.

-The bastard…he was always blackmailing me using the child’s illness. But…tell me, Liz…Maria is fine?

-Oh, don’t you worry about Maria! She’s like a bodyguard for Phillipe! She’s the only one who adores your husband and takes care of him. She said some things about you, Ali…

-I never imagined…

-Ali, please…come back home! Everything will come back to normal if you just come home…Please…a lot of people are suffering because of that angry control freak of your husband…and all because you left. Come back home…

-Liz, you don’t understand…i am home! I never felt more like home…and for the first time in my life i’m really happy. I miss you, my best friend and you’ll always have a place in my heart but here is my home now.

-Where are you, Ali? Who you’re with? Don’t…

Mark was looking at me with his blue-light eyes, taking the laptop out of my arms. He wiped away the tears from my eyes.

-I’m sorry…Mark…i shouldn’t have called Liz…now you heard it all…

-I heard that they need you to go back to save them. So…what will be your choice? Your friends from Monte Carlo or me and my orphans from Kenya?

-It’s not a choice, it never was and it will never be! It’s like asking me if i wanna swim with the sharks or just stay safe and happy with you…home…

-Isabel…is this true? You really feel that your home is with me? And you’re really happy?

I smiled at him, like smiling to a scared child…placing my arms around his neck to feel his curled hair…

-Yes…my home is in your arms…here in London or far away…in Kenya…or anywhere else you wanna take me…I’m happy to be with you, to look at you…to feel your heart beating next to mine…ever since that day…Remember? When you kissed me in that small church…since that day i was yours…And yes…i married Phillipe…but God knew and He still knows that you were the one i wanted to give my body and soul…

His kiss took me by surprise…his passion made my heart jump and my body was melting in his arms.

-My sweet Isabel…i was so wrong…i love you and i want you so much…i wanna make love to you…can you give me another chance…please Belle, my heart, my body and my soul is aching for you…

-i’m here…i want you to be a part of me…and me a part of you…

(to be continued)

So hard to say good bye…

“Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man.”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

Saint Tropez, France

I looked into his eyes…so much tenderness, so much love…like all the darkness, all the coldness was left behind. For the first time i became so aware of the reality: this is the man i’m about to marry…this is the real him. And his arms around me, caressing my skin and kissing me so passionate, this is reality…

-Baby, what are you thinking about? You’re smiling…but i can feel you’re so far away…

-You know…this time i’m not far away…Phillipe, i feel like i’m falling in love with you…and i can’t believe it took me so long to feel…it’s so amazing to be with you here, seeing you so happy and relaxed…i wanna be with you, just like this, forever…I’m just so sorry for all the struggle and fights…

He stopped me from talking kissing me gently…

-I already forgot them…it doesn’t matter…because all i ever wanted, ever since i saw you for the first time, was to be with you…to have you in my life. And i’m the first to admit that i made mistakes…but you’re all i love, all i have in this life. I know…that’s no excuse for pressuring you like i did…but at least we’re happy now…and i’m gonna spend the rest of my life making you happy…

-sometimes i feel it’s a dream…

I felt tears running down my cheeks. I needed to cry…because finding love means giving up everything else.

-I know it’s hard for you…Alicia, i know how much i’m asking from you, but, baby, you’ll see it’s for the best. I want you to stay focused on us…and not to give your energy to people who don’t even care about you. Do you understand me? Those relationship are fake…we are the real thing…

-It’s just that…i lost so much already…i alienated so many people and i miss them terribly…Liz and Tony, Tess, even Helen and Bryce…little Robby…and Peter…

-of course, Peter!

I felt him suddenly tense and angry.

-No, i didn’t mean it like that…Peter is nothing more than a part of my past…it was hard to see him lowering himself like he did…but at least he’s getting help now…i lost my admiration, my respect for him, that’s painful. In an ideal world…

-In an ideal world, your father would support us and he would be happy for you…he would never accuse you of selling yourself…and in an ideal world, your friends would be the firsts to encourage you to marry the man you love. But instead…they are telling you to be careful…like you’re in danger with me…Baby, this is not an ideal world! This is reality…and in real life we’re making choices…you gotta choose…

-I’m choosing you, Phillipe…with all my heart and soul…even if is tearing me apart to make choices like that…and i know there’s no guarantees…but i need you to say the words for me…will you, my love?

-Yes…with all my heart and soul…Alicia…this will be forever…no matter what, i’m not gonna loose you again…I’m not letting you go, not even if i had to fight with the whole world…there’s nothing…absolutely nothing is too much…if in the end i’m with you!

Accepting my own decision…living with their consequences. Is that a mature way to live? In a perfect ideal world, there’s no choices…because everything is made out of love. But we’re living in reality, and sometimes fear, jealousy or insecurity run the show. Saying good bye to my past, to my former relationships…is this really possible? Only time can tell…