Deep into the darkness

“I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah”

(Leonard Cohen-“Hallelujah”)

Les Baux des Provence

Phillipe had a joyful spark in his eyes, reminding me of a big child. I used to adore this feature of his, but now i felt much too tired and sad…

-I did it! I deleted your account on Second Life! I also found a Facebook account, i deleted it too…How do you feel, princess? Relief?

I tried so hard not to cry…after all he brought me here to my favorite place…

-I’m…confused…and a little sad…i will miss my friends…

He pretended he didn’t heard me saying that, but i knew from the look in his eyes that he did. Holding a small bottle he started to count the drops of something…

-Alright, Alicia…let me help you with the sadness…Here! Take the spoon and swallow it all!

-What’s in the spoon? Phillipe, you know how i feel about self medicating…

-It’s St. John’s Wort. Take it! You will feel a little dizzy but that’s the whole point…it should make you incapable of acting against yourself. And more relaxed…i need you to relax and let me take care of you. Remember what you said…you belong to me…body and soul. This means you’ll do exactly what i tell you to!

I took the medicine thinking it can’t be that bad. The taste of the drops was a little bitter but the effect started to show in a few minutes. It felt like i was melting inside, like i didn’t cared anymore…Phillipe noticed and he smiled at me.

-Isn’t it better? For the next weeks you’re gonna take the medicine three times in every day. I’ll make sure you’re doing it. And tomorrow i want you to see someone. A therapist specialized in hypnosis. You’ll see her two times on week till i’ll see some progresses. Any question?

-I already have a therapist. You know, Gerard…i like him, i don’t wanna change him.

I felt really sleepy…the effect of the drops was more powerful that i thought before…I struggled to stay awake.

-Baby, your therapist encouraged you in a few directions that i find dangerous. I don’t like him! And i don’t like his methods…much too gentle and ineffective.

-But he said hypnosis isn’t…

-You’ll do as i say, Alicia! Tonight you tried to throw yourself in front of a truck…i saved you in the last minute…look at your bruises…you lost the right to take decisions…

I couldn’t take any decision…it was hard to keep myself aware of the reality.

-You’re right, Phillipe…i don’t know what’s wrong with me.

-I know…it’s Second Life addiction. You’re different since you started to play it…

My eyes were closing by themselves. I manage to say one more thing…

-God was sending you…tonight…

I felt his arms around my body and his voice sounded more clear than ever before, even if he was whispering.

-Not your God, believe me! If it were up to His will, you would be death by now…now sleep. You are much too important to let you waist your life this way…Your God left you alone, like He always does, sweet princess…but I’m here to make sure that you’ll fulfill your destiny…

an hour later

-Alicia, baby, wake up! You’re having a nightmare! Open your eyes, i’m here…no one is gonna hurt you.

I opened my eyes realizing i’m crying so hard i almost suffocated. He was lying next to me, looking worry. I was trembling and he took me in his arms.

-Phillipe…i dreamed that i’m lost and it’s all dark around me…and in my dream i thought i hear your voice, like a strange incantation. And then i dreamed myself dressed in white…flying. And my mom took me in her arms, like an angel, and then…something dark grabbed me and i lost her…it was so cold and it kept suffocating me…

He stroke my hair and wiped away my tears, smiling at me.

-Baby, it was nothing but a dream. You need to forget it, you’re safe in my arms. And i know the perfect way to make you forget…

He started kissing my neck, slowly and gentle. His hands were moving all over my body…i tried to relax but the memories kept coming back. The fight we had, my own madness who leaded me till the edge…my nightmare…i felt a fear like never before.

-please, stop…i can’t…

-how do you mean…you can’t? i’m your husband…since when you can’t make love to your husband?

He sounded angry and for the first time i felt like loosing control. My body was hurting and my heart felt like breaking in small pieces. I tried to say something but he kissed me and grabbed my arms. I tried to look into his eyes and i saw something so dark and cold, something beyond anger or desire…like a dark fire burning. He whispered in my ear and i tried to convince myself it’s for the best…

-i love this scared look in your eyes…like a deer caught by the hunter…you need to relax, baby…like this…doesn’t it feels good just to let go the control…

And for a second it made sense. He wants the control. Over my body and over my soul. And i married him…more than this…i made him a promise, to be what he needs me to be. So, how can i deny him what he feels is his right? Even if my heart is lost somewhere in the darkness…

He collapsed on the bed feeling overwhelmed by euphoric sensations.

-I love you, baby…it was more than i can describe…like the first time…just overwhelming…Alicia…are you alright? how do you feel, baby?

-good…frozen, scared, hurt, lonely, sad, devastated…i’m alright…it was great, Phillipe…

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