Over the edge

“Tears of love, tears of fear
Bury my dreams, dig up my sorrows
Oh, Lord why
the angels fall first”

(Nightwish-“Angels fall first”)

-So…the red one or the black one? Or do you like the purple one? Mon amour…take a good look and help me choose…you know i’m helpless when it comes to decisions…

-Alicia…you look stunning no matter what you’re wearing under your clothes…let’s buy them all…

-No…you’re not getting away with this…come closer and feel them…let’s start with the red one…

I took his hand and leaded him in the small dressing room. We were surrounded by mirrors and, a few steps away, people were buying things…I leaded his fingers on the cup of my bra…

-Feel it…is soft and smooth and it’s a perfect fit…now, what do you say about the panties? Here…the red silk gives me the sensation of warmth, can you feel it too?…is like when you touches me…there…i’m melting inside…

He let a soft deep moan escaping from his lips while i pressed my body against his…

-Baby…what are you doing to me…and we’re in public…

-I’m just trying to decide…maybe i should show you the black one…please, can you help me…i need to take off these…

-Alicia…no…let me…

He pushed me gently against a mirror and pulled my hair exposing my neck…laying small kisses all along my neckline, going down on my shoulders…biting softly…i used my hands to grab his hair…i closed my eyes letting the pleasure to take control…

-Baby…i think we’re absolutely gonna buy those panties…they are a little wet…and i’m planning to make them even more wet…now don’t move…i guess you were right about melting inside…

I moaned louder biting my lip while he continued to kiss me all over my body. The sensation was overwhelming and feeling him inside made me lose my self control.

-You are perfect…baby…tell me if you want more…

-Yes…please…don’t stop…

-What…what do you want me to do to you? Say the words…

-I want…i need…make love to me…Phillipe…please…

Maybe the excitement of being nearly caught, maybe the red underwear, maybe the feeling of being on the edge all the time lately…maybe all these combined…i felt like falling without control…without even knowing when it all stopped…

He was smiling, stroking my back, touching my face…

-Phillipe…it was awesome…i can’t even speak…

-Sweetie…i’m crazy about you…remind me to take you to shopping more often…

-Yes…and to satisfy my needs constantly…now how can we go out without being caught?

He started to laugh  and helped me get dress.

later, at the hotel

-so…my handsome, brilliant and, not to forget, rich husband…saved me from trouble again…Phillipe…what did you told to that girl about my wet panties?

-the truth…that i seduced you in the dressing room…

-noooo…you didn’t! you told her that…we had sex in public?

-of course…and i also told her that you almost passed out because of the intensity of your orgasm…and i asked her to clean the mirror…and to make these dressing rooms bigger…

-but…we could had been arrested…

-No one arrests my adorable wife! Believe me, baby, she did cleaned the mirror…and she said “thank you, Sir” at the end…

-so…do you want me to tell you “thank you Sir”? You kinda made me beg you…and that made things even hotter…

-I just want you to be yourself…you’re changed…somehow…and i’m not sure if you’re happy…but i know I am…Alicia, i’m amazed…it’s like all i ever dreamed…you’re giving me now and is perfect…the control i need to have…

-You need to control me in order to love me…you need to feel a power over me…i know it now and i accept it…willingly…your happiness means everything to me…if you need to dominate me…i’ll give you total control…

-because you love me?

I nodded.

Because i don’t care anymore.

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Lost in Paradise

“When there’s love inside
I swear I’ll always be strong.
then there’s a reason why.
I’ll prove to you we belong.
I’ll be the wal that protects you
from the wind and the rain,
from the hurt and pain.”

(Bryan Adams-“All for love”)

Early in the morning

-It’s saturday! You know i promissed my dad i’ll be…

-Your father will have to accept the idea…let’s make it oficial: i’ll call him and let him know you’re kidnaped…

-You’re crazy, Phillipe!

I started to laugh as he took me in his arms.

-Now, princess…you have no choice! I’ll take you to my castle and make you mine…it would be better if you’ll accept it willingly…

-well…promise me you’ll be gentle…this is my first kidnapping…

I smiled to him, running my fingers trough his careless hair…

Four hours later, in Les Baux des Provence

-This house is amazing! I had no idea that you own a house in the Provence…and what a house! You’re the richest lawyer i ever met…

-I was lucky enough to be born in a rich family, that’s all…the law is just a passion. Come upstairs…i’ll show you the main bedroom.

The main bedroom looked like a room from a palace. A king’s bedroom…simple and elegant the same time. I couldn’t help it…my imagination was running wild…me and Phillipe making love on the satin sheets. The though was exciting and my heart was already beating faster. Like he could read my mind, he sat next to me on the bed rubbing gently my shoulders.

-You know how many times i had this fantasy of seeing you in this bed…without all these clothes…just your soft warm skin. I imagined how i would kiss you all over…your skin is like silk, softer than any texture…i adore this taste…

He started to lay softly kisses on my body…i never felt such an incredible sensation…it almost scared me. The desire of being his…knowing it will be fantastic. I tried to stop myself and get back my self control…

-You make me lose my self control, Phillipe…and i can’t do this without knowing you better…i still need some answers…

-My love…you don’t need any self control…you’re safe here. And as much as i wish to make love to you right now…we will wait. Now let’s go to the castle before i’ll change my mind. Remember…you’re kidnapped…completely under my power.

I smiled to him…he kissed me with a passion i almost forgot it can be.

An medieval castle in an medieval village

-Come on, princess! Take off your sandals…i can’t believe i let you wear high heels here. What was i thinking about! I only agreed to the long dress because you look amazing in white. Like a true princess…

-So…carry me till the top of the hill! In your arms…my feet are hurting from all the walk…i think i’ll make you give me a massage tonight…

-I’ll give you more than that…and it wont hurt at all…only pleasure. Now let me kiss you…i never kissed a princess before…

Feeling his strong arms around my body i was thinking…when was the last time i felt so secure and loved. It was much more than desire…i felt trust. I forgot how good is to trust someone. How could i not trust him…i felt like he was saving my life the other days…that nightmare and the way he pulled me trough and made me smile again.

My day dreaming was interrupted by a strange voice from behind. There was nothing sweet or gentle about this person. A woman…looked like 30, maybe more…with savage eyes and ravished hair. And that voice…she pointed at me and started yelling in anger.

-You arrogant bitch! Why did you came back here? Why?! You wanted to see the ruins…that’s all we have left, ruins! You destroyed it all! You wanted freedom…you got your freedom and we paid the price! But noooooo…that was not enough…you had to came back!

In a complete state of shock, i looked around. She was really talking to me. People were starring…her accent was american. She had frozen eyes and an evil smile…

-You were death, i saw you dying! Who brought you back? The King? He’s an idiot then! Those eyes…i recognize them! Princess Alix de Baux…

-How did you called me? No, you’re confusing me. My name is Alicia Isabel, not…

-Never vassals! That’s what you said! You arrogant and disobedient bitch! And we believed you! Look what you did…only ruins…

Before she could say anything more, her parents showed up. Her father took her twisted hands and got her to their car. I heard her screams all the way…

Her mother looked at me with the saddest eyes i ever saw.

-I am so sorry for my daughter…she’s schizophrenic…she had these crisis ever since we came here. We’re leaving today and i wanted to see the castle one more time. I’m so sorry…she did this before to another tourist…saying all the crazy things…I’m deeply sorry that she offended you like that, i should know better. We just took our eyes from her for a few seconds and she…

I couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing that poor tormented woman pleading for her daughter. It was too much…i got closer and took her in my arms. She seemed so surprised…she started to cry. I assured her i’m not mad and i asked if i can help…with anything. She said no. She left looking so deeply hurt…

I turned my head to see Phillipe. He was there, but seemed lost. I could swear he had tears in his eyes and when he finally spoke his voice sounded tired and sad.

-Let’s go home, my love. Alicia…what you did right now…i thought i know you…

-You’re upset with me? It wasn’t my fault, and her mom was so sad…how could i let anybody feel like this without trying to help? You understand, right? Please, talk to me…i didn’t mean…

He took me in his arms and kissed me, making me feel more confused than ever. He looked deeply in my eyes and grabbed my face.

-Every time i think i’m in love with you…i realize it’s much more. I love you. It’s that kind of love i always knew it exists but i never felt it. I don’t even know how to say this to you…except that i want you forever in my life. I know i sound desperate…but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You think that in time…maybe you could feel the same?

I didn’t had an answer. I wish i could make my heart listen to all the reasons, the rational reasons. I wish i could feel for him all the right things. All i know is how fascinating i find him…but that’s not nearly enough.

Her words were still in my mind. “All we had left are ruins”. She was talking about my heart…

Someone’s bound to get burned…

“Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by…”

(Pink-“Try”)

A sunny morning in a beautiful day…First day from the rest of my life…my life without him. Or, should i say…my life without deceiving feelings…

The phone was ringing. Since last night…still ringing…i turned off the answering machine. I’m sure it’s him…i won’t answer. Of course, he’s worried…guilty conscience…but i’m stronger then ever before…

-Hello…

-Aly, finally…it was Liz and her voice sounded strange…Why don’t you answer the phone? Can you do me a favor, please? I feel horrible…i think i got the flu…

-So sorry, Liz…tell me, what can i do? Need anything? Can i bring you a chicken soup? God…hope she’ll say no…i have no clue how to cook…

-You’re so sweet, Aly…you’re sure it’s not too much trouble? I wouldn’t ask you, but my boyfriend is out of town, i’m here alone and i have high temperature…

-Please, Liz…just stay in bed…get some rest, the chicken soup will be ready in about an hour…i’ll bring it to you…

And now what am i doing? I never cooked…once i tried…it was painful…I should call Maria and ask her to bring me soup! But what if Peter finds out? No! I have to cook myself…let’s see…it can’t be that hard…boil the water…and i got some chicken and vegetables…but when to put them in the water?…The door bell…

I opened the door…there he was! Smiling like nothing ever happened…

-Peter…what are you doing here? I’m really busy right now…

-Can i come in? What are you doing? You’re cooking? Really? he started laughing so hard…it made me angry.

-Yes…chicken soup for Liz…she’s sick…

-And you decided to kill her? To end with her misery? he continued laughing…

-You know…i could be a great cooker…just because you never let me cook, that doesn’t mean…

-Aly, honey…last time you cooked…we ended up at emergency room…remember? And the doctors said…

-…i know…that it should be against the law for me to cook…but what they know…they were upset cause i shouted at them…but they were causing me pain…

-They were trying to help you…you were bleeding and yelling and crying your eyes out…Aly! Be careful…you’re too close to…

Too late…i was too close to the flame…i felt a burning pain on my right hand…I turned quickly…too quickly…the (what it supposed to be) chicken soup ended on the floor…boiling water…Peter grabbed me and saved me (again!) from more serious injuries…

-This is only your fault! i said with the desperation of being burned…You distracted me with your stories…I don’t even know what you’re doing here…after last night…

-Give me this hand…we need to put it under cold water…then we’ll see how serious is…

-No! Don’t touch it! It’s hurting me every time i touch it…what am i gonna do? I burned my hand! Peter…what if it’s gonna be infected…

I started to cry…He stood there with a helpless look in his eyes and an amused smile on his face.

-I could take you to the hospital…maybe they forgot about you…

-Now you’re making fun…and i’m hurting…you really don’t care at all…

He looked at me with that disarming smile…grabbed my chin and gently kissed my eyes…i was still trying to stay mad…but then he kissed my lips…slowly…gently…caressing me with his hands…

-Magic kisses…and now we’ll take care of your hand…look…it’s a small burn…for someone who plays with fire, it’s just a small price…think about that poor chicken…lying there on the floor…

I started laughing trough tears…

-God, it’s late! I promised Liz i’ll bring her soup! What am i doing?!

-Well…you’re lucky this time! I’ll call Maria…she makes such a delicious chicken soup…and i’ll ask her to go to Liz’s place…don’t want you to catch the flu…and you’re even more lucky…i’ll clean the floor for you and i’ll feed you with chicken soup…yes, you’ll eat too…you’re burned. I’ll make sure you’ll survive…

-I could get used to that…you, taking care of me…i think i’ll keep burning myself…

-That’s because you’re playing with fire… you’ll keep getting burned…

-I know…

The chicken soup was truly delicious…like the perfect medicine to heal my burned heart…I knew it from the start i’m gonna get hurt…now there’s no cure for me. I’m addicted to fire…attracted by flames…ready to get burned again.

Say it…like you really feel it

“Take me back in the arms I love,
Need me like you did before,
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more…”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer…his hands holding me tight, his eyes looking at me with a wild hungrly desire…I felt like melting in his arms…Then he grabbed gently my face, running his fingers trough my hair…i looked into his eyes…they were exploring my lips…He leaned and pressed his lips against mine’s, making me tremble…he softly opened my lips, using his tongue to play with my mouth…holding me so close to his body…kissing me with passion, slowly and deep…our tongues making love…Overwhelming, sweet, tender and exciting…my eyes were closed and my body was trembling…when he was letting me go, the feeling of being incomplete was too much to bare…

Why did i accepted? I knew i cannot hide what i feel…what i still feel…How did i ever agreed to see Peter? On that beach…our beach. Yes, i had all the reasons in the world. I wanted to tell him myself about me and Matt…about my decision to leave the agency…i wanted to convince him about my contract without lawyers…I was rational thinking that two people that loved each other once could take these decisions together…

And he listened to me calmly…even when i mentioned about Matt. He didn’t reacted when i told him that i want to break our agreement and leave the agency…At some point it seemed to me that his look was darker…but i said to myself that i’m imagining things…And yes, deep inside i wanted him to be jealous, to feel angry, just to see that me…that us…it’s not something meaningless…

But that kiss…

I stared at the water feeling the panic growing inside me. What am i doing? I can’t…it’s not just about me, it’s Matt…how could i do that to him?

Peter broke the silence:

-You signed a contract, Alicia, you gotta respect it. Unless you want a legal trial that can last longer that the contract itself. I understand if you don’t want to see me…we’ll find a way to avoid each other, but the contract stands…

-Peter…how can you be so cold? We just…I’m so angry with you now!

I didn’t felt anger…just pain…burning pain inside my heart.

-I’m cold? Tell me…how quickly did you replaced me? We broke up and suddenly you’re with someone else…Did you even loved me? Do you love him? Did you loved any of those guys that you slept with while we were…Just don’t make me say it!

I felt like suffocating…

-I only loved you, but you were never there for me…All i wanted was a life with you, a family. And to hear you say that you love me…

I started to cry. He lowered his voice…

-I can’t deny…i still want to hold you…i still wanna take you home…It’s hurting me to see you crying. But you talk about having a family…i can’t lie to you…i don’t see us like that…and i’m the only one to blame here…

He tried to touch me…i pushed him away and turned my back at him.

-Leave me alone, Peter. I think i hate you right now…I don’t ever wanna see you…i’m sick of being around you…do whatever you want with the contract…sue me…just don’t make me look at you again…

I heard his steps moving away and when i was sure that i’m alone i cried all my tears…

I heard my phone ringing…it was Matt. For a second i though of not answering, but…

My voice betrayed my inner torment…

-Aly, baby…what’s wrong? You’re crying…Tell me he heaven’t done anything to you cause i swear…

-No, Matt…he just don’t want to broke the contract and i have to…

-Just stay there…don’t move…i’m there in a minute…

And he was there…like he always is. He held me and wiped away my tears. And then he insisted to hear all about my conversation with Peter…and i told him what i could told.

-Aly…tell me the truth. I feel like there’s something more…like he hurt you somehow…You’re devastated and i know you…it’s not the contract…i want to hear all…

-Yes, Matt, there’s more…we…i mean he tried to…to kiss me…but i didn’t…

-Aly…you’re saying that he…He was forcing you? That bastard! I’m gonna find him and…

-No, Matt…don’t do that…it wasn’t like that…i need you to stay with me…

-I’ll never leave you…and from now on you’re not dealing with this by yourself. We’re together…we’ll find a good lawyer…please don’t cry…it’s breaking my heart to see you like this…

I smiled to him trough my tears…I reassured him that i’m ok…hoping and praying that he’ll believe me…

I made him promise me that he won’t do something impulsive…

And i said to him I love you. I said it like i really meant it. And i almost felt it…