To walk on stormy seas

“There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.”

(J.Groban-“You raise me up”)

I looked at him and i couldn’t stop smiling. He was still sleeping, his blonde curled hair and the smile made him irresistible, but what made me smile was the way he was holding my pillow in his arms…

I rushed to the kitchen…scrambled eggs with bacon and pancakes with chocolate syrup and me…discovering that i can cook, enthusiastic like a child with a new toy.

-Hey…it smells delicious…you made all these?

He looked amazed and i felt proud of myself. The admiration i saw in his eyes made my heart jump with joy.

-Back to bed! I wanna bring you breakfast in bed! Go, go, go…

-Only if you’re coming with me, other wise my breakfast will be incomplete…

Breakfast in bed, with Mark…sounded like a dream come true.

-You like it? Or should i add more sugar on the pancakes? Mark…

-It’s delicious, absolutely delicious! I love everything you do…you’re spoiling me…No one…never…brought me breakfast in bed…But i feel guilty because you’re working so much…cooking, cleaning…And…what’s this? You broke a nail? Give me that little finger so i’ll kiss it…

-It’s no big deal! Mark, i’m so happy to do all these things…i feel so good, so healthy and alive!

-Yes, but i wish i could take more care of you, Belle…

The way he pronounced the shortcut from Isabel made me remember…

-I’m sorry…Isabel…what’s wrong? Did i said something to make you so sad…please, Belle, tell me…

-It’s just that…today…i mean, 21 years ago…on All Saints Day…my mother passed away…and i used to spend this day, every year, with my dad…She always called me Isabel, not Alicia…and sometimes she called me Belle…saying i’m the light of her life…

With no words, he took me in his arms. It was warm and i felt safe…i looked deep in his blue eyes, wishing to feel his kiss…i closed my eyes, trying to keep the memory of that warm moment deep in my heart.

-Why don’t you call him? Your father…i think he must be so worried…you left almost a week ago. Call him, you’ll feel better…just tell him “i love you”…it’s never too late…

He was right…i needed to hear my dad’s voice, the only parent i still have on this earth…I took the phone and dialed the number, unsure about what to expect. He answer in a few seconds.

-Dad…

-Alicia! Where in the hell are you? Have you lost your mind? Your husband is going crazy, threatening everybody…i can’t believe how selfish and insane are your decisions…

-I miss you…

-Come back home, Alicia! It’s an order! I think your need for attention is more than satisfied now, with the chaos you created!

-I love you, dad…

And he said nothing. The phone slipped from my hands as i felt drowned in tears. Mark took the phone from my hand, put it aside and held me so gentle, caressing my hair, till i felt better…

-No one loves me, Mark…

-Shhhhh…you are so beloved…and you don’t even know it. God loves you so much, He’s always holding your hand so you wont fall…He’ll never leave you and He’ll always gonna answer to your prayers. And there’s your mom…watching you from up above…visiting you in your dreams and making you feel protected…And here, on Earth…there’s me…i love you and i need you in my life…I know it’s not much, but i’m offering you my heart, my love…my life…Belle…please don’t cry…cause when you cry, Heaven cries with you…

His words, so smoothing, like he was talking to a scared child…and his eyes, blue like the sky, in that moment i felt i’m in Heaven…

-Mark…you’re so good…why are you so good to me?

-Because I love you!

-And why do you love me?

-Cause you’re sweet. And why are you sweet? Cause you have chocolate right here, on your upper lip…And why are your lips painted with chocolate? Well…i guess i need to taste in order to answer…

His lips pressed against my lips…parting and tasting, playing and teasing, making me feel so hungry for more…

-I love you, Isabel…you taste like honey and it’s addictive…promise me you’ll never leave me…you’ll never take away the light you brought to my life…

-I’ll never leave you! I rather die…I love you too, Mark. You saved my life and you gave me a meaning…a feeling of fulfillment and joy. And as long as God will allow me on this Earth, i will love you…every day of my life.

-Even if i can’t offer you the lifestyle you’re used to have? Belle, i’m not rich…

-Now you’re the silly one! Mark, can’t you see how happy i am? I’m smiling and singing and dancing in the house…like a teenager. I’m so in love…please…stop talking and kiss me again…you brought the Heaven into my life…

In the arms of the man i love, the rest of the world seemed formed by shadows…empty shadows. I’m his and he’s mine…against all the human laws…in the name of love, knowing now that only Light can heal, love and protect. And that i’ll never get lost in the darkness…

Advertisements

Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…