No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)

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Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…