How can i love when i’m afraid…

“When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I’ll wait for the light, I’ll wait for the sun”

(Madonna-“Rain”)

Laying in the jacuzzi…letting the hot water running down my body, while his warm hands were massaging my shoulders…i couldn’t remember the last time when i felt so relaxed. The scent of lavender oil combined with the rose petals and a glass of french champagne…I closed my eyes feeling his fingers gently touching the back of my neck…small goose bumps were forming in the warm little spot where my skin met his warm breath and his hungrily kisses…

-I forgot…

With lazy moves he moved his body so his eyes could meet my eyes…

-you forgot?

-almost…

His charming smile and the question in his eyes made him so attractive. He grabbed my chin making me look into his dark eyes…the eyes that always seems to capture my soul. He pulled me closer…

-What did you almost forgot, princess? Anything important?

-My life…before you…Who i was, what i felt…my friends…the family…they are so far away, like in another lifetime. I can’t remember myself without you…

He just smiled and kissed me with passion and hunger…creating shivers trough my body…his hands caressing and exploring…like discovering me all over again…the sensations were making me tremble…abandoning myself to him…to his desire…making love with a passion i always dreamed to live…

Opening my eyes slowly…i felt him carrying me to the bedroom, holding me close…

-How do you feel, my beauty?

-i feel…like i never want this to end…

-…happy?

-more than happy…Phillipe…i feel like meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…

He became serious…like a sudden shadow took his smile away.

-Alicia…i need to know something…do you have any regret about us? If you could turn back time…

-i would change something…the fights, the anger…we should made love instead of fighting…i feel such a fool for not recognizing the true love…But why do you ask me this? And why do you look so sad…mon amour…what’s wrong? Something i did?

He took me in his arms and kissed me.

-It’s about what you said in the morning…about signing a prenuptial agreement…i was so angry with you for proposing me something like that…i didn’t had the chance to explain what i feel…

-Phillipe…i hope you know…i only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…it’s just that my father accused me that i’m marrying you for your money…i was devastated to hear him talking like this. But why do you mention this now? I thought we’re ok…or, are you still angry with me…

-no, baby…i’m not angry…how could i be…is just that i have to tell you something…and it’s serious.

He looked at me and his eyes were so dark and cold…i couldn’t stand that look in his eyes…

-you’re scaring me…again…Phillipe, don’t look at me this way…

He held my face into his hands…making me look at him.

-Look at me. Alicia…I don’t wanna have this conversation with you again. We’re not signing a prenuptial agreement because we don’t need one. We’ll never divorce…i mean it. A marriage is over only when one of the partners is death. Do you understand me? It’s the only way a marriage should end…

I felt like falling down from the clouds. My euphoria replaced by fear…For the first time i started to see what the others were telling me all this time…maybe i don’t know him at all…

He seemed to melt seeing me so scared, trembling and with tears in my eyes. He tried to sweeten his tone.

-Baby…what’s wrong? Didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way…

-it’s just that…i wanna love you, i really do…i wanna make love to you and be faithful to what we have…and i want a family…a child. But how can i go on if i don’t trust you…Phillipe, i’m afraid…sometimes i don’t recognize you…did you listen to yourself talking? Can you even control yourself? Or do you enjoy this? Fear, sadness, hurt…is this the way you want me to feel? Seeing me shocked and frightened…does this satisfy your need to control…? Are you happy now?

-No, of course no…

-Then stop it! Imagine what’s in my heart…i got no friends, my father doesn’t speak to me anymore, i’m tired and sad…and the man i love…the man i should trust…the only one who should be by my side to protect me no matter what…is suggesting me that…that…

I couldn’t speak anymore…the hurt inside silenced me, making me hate my own weakness. When i looked at him i saw in his eyes how sorry he is…i thought i saw him crying. Or i just saw my own tears?

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The girl who’s running to the Seashore…

“Cause were living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me.”

Avignon, Les Palais des Papes

-Welcome to the most important gothic building from Europe…under the UNESCO Patrimony…this Palace is the most safe building, made to resist to all the types of dangers…

The guide’s voice sounded in my ears like a old well know story. Me and Phillipe…we were at Avignon. He said he’s searching for the perfect castle for his princess, it sounded so romantic…but i knew it better. It is all about taking me out of Monte Carlo in weekends, to prevent me from seeing Peter. And he’s right, the best thing i can do is to avoid him, now that my nightmares are more and more rare… I need time to heal…that’s what i told to Phillipe, that’s what i said to myself in an attempt to justify my fears…

-Alicia…hope you feel alright…you heaven’t said a word since we came in the Palace.

-I was just thinking about what the guide said…i really feel safe in here.

-Baby, you’re always safe with me. And we’re going to have a beautiful dinner at my friends home. I told you about them, they have a 3 years old boy.

-That’s lovely! Are we going to stay over night there?

-No…we have the nuptial suit at Le Grand Hotel D’Avignon. We need privacy…you’ll love the view and we’ll have a private garden too.

-Looks like you thought about everything…

-Yes, princess…is my job to read your mind and make sure you’re happy. And i know what you need right now…

He leaned on me and kissed me gently. Running his fingers trough my hair, he pulled me closer to him…feeling his body, my mind was running wild…

-Phillipe, stop it…they are looking at as…

-Never, my love…i’ll never stop loving you. I have this fantasy of making love to you in a medieval castle. What do you say…think that the old Popes will be very upset with me? I’m just trying to make an angel fall in love with me…

I couldn’t stop thinking how lucky i am….how different is this relationship from any other…

Avignon, Bryce and Helen’s home

-The dinner was delicious…thank you Helen! Let me help you with the dishes, please.

-you’re so kind, Ali…i hope you and Phillipe will come often to our home, we don’t have so many friends and Robert adores you.

-your little boy is so precious! Can’t believe he felt asleep in my arms…you know, i just started to dream about having my own…

-Ali…Phillipe seems so in love…and if you want to have a baby…he’s the right guy…serious, responsible and still so passionate…

-…you’re crying? Helen…is there something wrong…please tell me, i wanna listen and help…

-is just that…we were like you…i don’t know what happened. In time…he just stopped to look at me like this…and i know i’m fat…he told me this. But i’m a woman too…i’m sorry Ali to bring this all on you…i just met you today…but i needed someone to talk to…

-Helen…you are a beautiful woman and you love him…and i know how it feels. I know how heart breaking is…

I opened my arms to give her the warmest hug…Yes, i knew all about rejection, i knew how is it to fall asleep crying because he just can’t see you…It makes you feel unattractive, depressed, ugly, unlovable…and angry. I felt so much anger and pain in my relationship with Peter…i almost forgot who i am. I became insecure…i’m still paying the price for my lack of courage. The courage to break free…

Bryce and Helen’s home, in the garden

-Ali, did you saw Helen?

-i think she’s with Robert…i heard him crying…

-can i sit here next to you, Ali? I know Phillipe would break my legs to know i’m alone in the garden with you, but…

-can i ask you something? I saw Helen crying…

-yes…all that drama. I thought of divorcing her but i’m staying for the child…other wise…

-so you don’t love her anymore? She’s feeling so alone…and she’s a beautiful woman…

-Ali…she’s the mother of my child, of course i love her…i always will love her. But sleeping with her? She’s obese! I tried to help her lose some weight but she’s eating all the sweets…I’m a man…i just can’t…

-just try to make her feel beautiful and wanted…Bryce, she has no motivation for losing weight if you keep saying that you don’t want her. When you said about divorce…it really makes me cry thinking of that beautiful little boy…

-now let me ask you something, Ali…how come that someone so sweet and lovely like yourself is dating Phillipe?

-…

-you know, right? About him…really Ali, you’re just too carrying and innocent…

Phillipe showed up and, before i could say anything, Bryce and Helen were saying good bye to us.

in our way to Le Grand Hotel d’Avignon

-what did they give to you? Everywhere you go, people are giving you things, Alicia…

-jealous?…maybe a little? i said laughing. Alright, i’ll show you…

-a painting…sure, i forgot that Bryce is painting…what is written there?

-let me see…The girl who’s running to the Seashore…is the name of the painting. It’s a girl, i think is me…dressed in a white dress running in the middle of the storm. The waves are so dramatic…it look like she’s running directly in the sea…Phillipe…this paint is giving me a feeling of…just look at the sky…is black…

He stopped the car.

-Alicia, let’s trow away the painting. I don’t like this…he was my best friend but that does not give him the right…Just give me the painting!

-No, let me look. He wrote a message for me, let me read…

-Alicia, don’t…

-“The girl who’s running to the Seashore…trying to escape the storm inside her. She should save her soul before she’ll be completely drawn into the darkness…running scared in the arms of the pain… princess and rebel at the same time…she lost the crown of dreams. Will she be able to survive in a kingdom of hopeless fears…For Alicia with all our love, Bryce and Helen”

-Alicia…that’s crazy…i don’t know what was in his mind…baby, you got tears in your eyes…

-it’s about me…and you. They were saying…i’m really afraid now, Phillipe…

-look into my eyes, my love…see any threat? It’s only love…one day you’ll be the mother of my children…and i won’t hurt you, never…please don’t lose your faith in us just because some crazy people are jealous of what we have…

Looking at the painting was like looking inside of a mirror. Sometimes we all are lost in the kingdom of hopeless fears…i have one dream left untouched by the storm…the dream that his love…our love will show me the way back to the light…