When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

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When there’s nothing left to say…(Part I)

“For my dreams I hold my life
For wishes I behold my night
The truth at the end of time
Losing faith makes a crime.”

(Nightwish-“Sleeping Sun”)

-Wake up…Alicia, princess, wake up…is late…

-nooo…let me sleep…i only slept for an hour…let the curtains down…it’s too much light…

-i have a surprise for you…but if you don’t want it…

-a surprise? for me? really? give me the surprise!

He smiled at me caressing my hair and lifting me up from the bed. Against all my protests he cared me to the window to show me the bright light of the sun.

-Now can i have it? My surprise…Phillipe…

-just like a big child! The surprise is that someone wanna see you…remember the nice lady who used to work for Peter, as cook…Maria…

I didn’t needed another word…i jumped from his arms and run to the living room. There she was! All this time i missed her so much, but i was afraid to contact her…after all, i knew she’s working for Peter…

-Maria! I’m so happy to see you! Come here to give me a big hug, i missed you so much…you came to see me…tell me, how are you? And your children? Come, sit with me…

She seemed so sad…all my cheerful mood started to dissolve itself…

-What’s wrong? Tell me…please, is it something with the children…or…

-It’s just that…Peter fired me…after being in his services for more than 20 years…Alicia, you know me, you know i’m discreet…but the way he’s treating that girl, i have a daughter that age…

-and he fired you, just like that! He’s an…

-I know i should asked you, but Sir told me it’s alright…He said that if you agree…i may work for him. Please, Alicia…

-Who’s Sir?

Phillipe started to laugh. Maria was blushing and i looked at both of them trying to guess…

-Sir Phillipe…i’m sorry…he told me to call him this way. And he deserve all the respect…i’ll never be able to thank him for this opportunity…and for paying the tuition for my children…

-No more of this, Maria. I was happy to help you, considering how much you helped Alicia during all those years with Peter. So, Alicia, what do you think? Is it alright to hire Maria?

I jumped in his arms.

-Thank you! Thank you so much, Phillipe! Of course it’s alright…

I turned to Maria.

-But first i gotta say a few things to Peter…how dare he treat you like this? You were like family to us…ok…i’m gonna take a shower, then i want a coffee and i’m going to Peter’s home…

-My love…heaven’t you forgot something?

I looked at Phillipe, trying to guess what he means by that. Then i remembered…i felt like blushing…

-I know you told me to…but it’s still hard for me. You see, Phillipe, i never asked permission for anything and it’s weird…Anyway…i’ll do it if you want me to…Is it alright to…go to Peter’s home?

-No, you’re not allowed to do that!

I never felt so humiliated  in my entire life. Especially in front of Maria…He continued very calm…

-At least not alone! I’m coming with you. Princess…you know what happened last time you was alone with him…i hope you understand that asking my permission is just for your own safety…

I nodded…still feeling weird…

Two hours later, at Peter’s house

The man who came to meet me was no more than a stranger to me…Peter, my first love…looking older, looking sick and hurt…with a wild look in his eyes and stumbling from all the alcohol he drank all night. The smell was horrible…

-A…aly…sweety, you came back like i knew you will…

He tried to touch me but i managed to put distance between us…only the thought of being touched made me tremble. Phillipe noticed how bad i feel and he took the initiative.

-Do not touch Alicia! We’re here to make sure you won’t cause problems to Maria! She’s working for me now…

-Of course, Maria…another one who betrayed me…What do…do you want more, Phillipe? You stole Maria after stealing my love…my Aly…maybe you want the house too…here’s the key…take it…is yours…

I turned away to leave when i remembered something:

-Peter, where’s Estelle?

-Who? Ohhh…the girl…my own pet…we had a little too much fun last night…i think she’s sleeping upstairs. And…no…Phillipe cannot have it! Nooooo, she’s all mine…

Phillipe took my hand leading me to the door…he wanted, just like me, to get out of that place…But how could i leave like this…

-I have a bad feeling, Phillipe…she cannot possibly sleep, is the middle of the day…let’s go upstairs…

-No, honey…you stay right here…i’m going upstairs…

The minutes seemed hours. I stood with no move, trying to ignore Peter’s babbling…about how much he loves me and how much he regrets…and how “the girl” is nothing like me…

And the image i had in front of my eyes when Phillipe came back…carrying Estelle…

-Alicia…open the door…we’re going to the hospital! Quickly!

-Whe…where…what you two think you’re doing with my girl…she’s drunk…some woman cannot deal with drinking…Aly…don’t take her from me…Aly…don’t go…stay with me…i’ll make you happy…

Leaving him there, drunk and (probably) drugged…was like leaving my past behind. I looked at Phillipe…so calm and so strong during all this…doing the right thing…

How could i not ask myself…was i blind all this time? Am i denying myself the chance to a life in happiness and peace of mind? A chance to have the family i always wanted…

(to be continued)

We had it all…

“Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I’m so incomplete
Lord I’m needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly…”

(Mariah Carey-“Love takes time”)

Standing alone in the middle of the crowd…waiting and thinking. Phillipe said he’ll be back in 10 minutes because he needed to talk to a client. A part of me was almost in the verge of telling him “please don’t go, don’t leave me alone…” but i stopped just in time to save my dignity. All these people seems so happy, so in love, the romantic music and the warm athmosphere really bring the best in them. And Peter with that girl…

-Aly…is someone here who insisted so much to meet you that i had no chance to say no. She’s Estelle, our bright star from the summer campain. And your biggest fan, my dear Aly…

-Nice to meet you, Alicia. I admire you so much, it’s an honor to finaly talk to you.

For a moment i thought i’m in a paralel universe. There were Peter and the girl (i mean Estelle) holding hands. She was beautiful, angelic look with big baby blue eyes and an inocent smile. I finaly got my voice back:

-Nice to meet you too, Estelle. And thank you for your kind words, but i think Peter deserve all the credit for our latest project. So, did you enjoied the party?

She tried to say something but Peter grabbed her by the arm and pushed her gently toward the door.

-Sweety, go wait in the car. I have something very private to talk to Aly. Now be a good girl and go to the car.

She left quietly, under my shocked eyes…

-Why did you treated her like this? You were so impolite…And she just obeids you, like that…

-Yes, Aly, she’s like a little good puppy. She does everything i tell her to do and know what? i’m loving this in a woman…i may give her a big hard price tonight.

-You drinked? My God, Peter…you promissed me…

-Honey…we both broked all the promisses. Yes i’m drunk and you’re coming with me…

-No, i’m not…

-Yes, you are…you’re so afraid of embarassing your new boyfriend in front of his client…so be quiet and he wont know…

He was right, i was afraid of Phillipe’s reaction. Before i could think further, i found myself alone with him in a room…didn’t even knew there’s a room so closed to restaurant…

-You are disgusting…don’t know how you can live with yourself. I can’t stand that smell of alcohol and that look in your eyes…

-but you like my hands on your body, don’t you, Aly? come on…one last time…i’m not that drunk!

He pushed me by the wall and started to kiss my neck while his hands were untidening my dress. Feeling so helpless against his body, i saw flashes in my mind. From the past…from the near future. A new found feeling od shame and fear…I started to cry so desperate, almost running out of air…

He stopped for a moment and looked deep in my eyes…

-Looks like you don’t love me anymore, Aly…let me tell you something…i slept with half of the woman from the party, Liz included…Yes, don’t look so shocked…she’s lame in bed…Anyway, you are the best…now i wanna have you one last time and then you can go do whatever you want with him.

-Peter, you’re drunk! You know what drinking does to you… Just let me go, you’re hurting me…

-He’s better than me? Tell  me, Aly…i wont let you go this time…you’re acting so scared and hurting but we both know you like it…

I heard someone forcing the door to open…shoutings and Phillipe’s voice. The time seemed to stop while he was pulling Peter from me and than the sounds of fighting. I closed my eyes and collapse into Phillipe’s arms.

A few hours later, in Phillipe’s appartment…

-Here’s a chamomilla tea…it will help you relax a little. You cried so much, i think you have fever…let me hold you, you’re trembling. Say something, baby, i’m worried sick for you now. Can i get you something?

-…no, don’t go…promise me you wont leave me alone…

-i’m here, my love…Alicia…he will pay, i promise you this. For every tear he caused…i’ll make sure he’ll lose it all.

-Phillipe…how can a man do that? any man…how low should a person feel to abuse someone this way…i feel so empty…like in the place where i felt love now is just empty and fear…how will i ever go on feeling like this?

-i dont have an answer…i know for sure that love has nothing to do with this…i can promise you i’ll spend every moment from now on loving you, making you feel how good it is to feel loved and protected…

-you love me? you really do…?

-I love you…now try to sleep, i’ll be right here holding you all night long. My love…

And even if in the darkness of the night i was feeling lost, i knew all the time, deep inside my heart, that it will be light. And right in that moment my old wounds were starting to heal.