Light of my heart and soul

“A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born”

(“When a child is born”)

How am i going to tell him? What if…my God, is almost Christmas…next year the Christmas will be so different…

-Alicia…baby, you know how upsetting it is to me when you do this! You heaven’t called me for hours and when i call you, you’re asking me to come here…in this church…

-You like it? The church…i just came here and i lost the track of time…I’m sorry, Phillipe…i went to see the doctor today and the tests took some time and the results…i forgot to call you…

-No, my love…i’m sorry…i should had come with you…i completely forgot about your appointment. You’re upset…i’m so sorry…but at least you saw the doctor. Did you told him all about last week? That you passed out twice…and that you’re not eating anything and the headaches, nightmares…

-Yes, i did…

-So, did he gave you some vitamins? Or is it just emotional…baby, let me see your eyes, they’re red, you cried…Tell me all about…

-I don’t know how to tell you…

-Alicia, honey…any treatment you may need…i’m right here beside you…

-No…there’s no cure for what i have…

He took my face in his hands and my tears appeared in my eyes beyond my control. He looked down with a sad expression and then his eyes just became empty…

-That’s why you wanted to see me here. In a church…To tell me how i’m gonna loose you…Know what? I hate HIM! Yes, your God…and HE’s not winning this time! Cause if HE’s taking you away from me…i swear…i will burn every single church…from the ground…i will destroy every single trace of HIS presence on this world! Alicia…say something, baby…

-I didn’t meant to…oh, Phillipe…now you have to promise me two things…

-Anything, my love…

-First one: that you’re gonna love her, if is a baby girl…The second one: you’re gonna spare one church, cause we need it for the baptism…

-Are you saying that…

-YES! My love…you need to lower your voice, cause your son is listening to you, right now…Or your daughter…the doctor said is way to early to tell…we’re only 6 weeks old…

He took me in his arms and lifted me slowly and started to kiss me…dancing with me in the church…And when he put me down, i saw him kneeling at my feet, looking up at me…his eyes filled with happy tears…a light i never saw before.

-Phillipe…i’m sorry for scaring you like that…i didn’t knew how to tell you…i’m still in shock. Here…the doctor gave me this picture…wanna see our baby?

He helped me to sit down and sat next to me…his hands were trembling and when he took the picture he kissed it…

-Look at this tiny heart…

-Alicia…princess…is it real? My son…my precious baby…he’s so tiny now…tell me everything…you’re alright? And the baby?

-We’re both doing great. Me…i felt so sick because of the hormones, the doctor said is normal, he gave me something to help me with the morning sickness…And the baby…is perfect…he’s strong like his father…

-And handsome like his mother…my love…do you love me? Here…give me your hands, they’re so cold…from now on you are my one and only priority…i can’t believe i missed the first echography…what kind of man am I? What if the baby wont like me?

I started to laugh, with tears in my eyes…happy tears…

-Mon amour…the baby will love you…like i love you…You’re my man, my one and only…And we’re gonna be parents…imagine me, being a mother…

-The most beautiful, loving and sweet mother in the entire world! And i’m the luckiest guy ever…please, tell me you’re never gonna leave me…

-I swear it…you and the baby are my world…my life…i was a fool, crazy and selfish and you forgave me and you took me back home and now…now i have something to live for…my baby…ours…

He kissed me again and again…

-Princess, is cold in here…let’s go home, i wanna take care of you…you need to eat and sleep well…you’re carrying the most precious child in the entire world…my son…

Today i cried…I thought i’ll never cry again, i thought i’ll never feel…till i heard a tiny but strong heart beat…my child…And from that moment nothing mattered anymore except for this amazing love i’m feeling inside my heart and soul. My baby…he brought The Light back in my life, he’s the living proof that GOD does exists…And that HE’s always ready to forgive, to love and to give us a new chance…

The end. 

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Would you love me?

“If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away?”

(The Script-“Oh if you could see me now”)

His warm embrace was all i needed…i used to feel this way for so many people…My friends…i used to call them “my friends” and i used to fool myself that they care…till that moment in my life when i turned my back and they did the same.

-Ali…let me take a good look at you! Still looking perfect, but something is different. Last time i saw you…i saw sadness, fear in your eyes and now…i see anger and…

-…and the feeling that i don’t care anymore. I don’t care about others, i don’t care about myself…or about love, faith, good…This is what you see, isn’t it, Ray?

-Your honesty is impressive but i have to tell you something. Ali…this feeling wont last forever. It’s only produced by pain…I’m so glad you made this appointment…i wanna help you, of course, if this is what you’re looking for…

-First of all, Ray…thank you! For clarifying things with The Police and for talking to Phillipe…our relationship changed a lot thanks to you. He understood what i felt during our first months of marriage and now we’re both trying to know each other and to fulfill each other’s expectation…Now…the reason i’m here…

-Yes…tell me what can i do for you…

-You could be a part…an important part of my project…I wanna help people by opening a Health Center…for those less fortunate. It will be small at first…and you might be working with poor abused woman and children…but i’ll do my best to give you a decent paycheck every month…

-Ali…

-Before saying no…Ray, i really need you! You are the best psychiatrist and the most talented therapist i ever knew. I can’t offer you the money you deserve, but you’re gonna be rewarded…i promise you…And i wanna talk to Gerard…and for the reserch department i think we can count on Henri…you know them, right? Please, Ray…don’t say no yet…think about…

-I wasn’t saying no…actually, i love your enthusiasm and i share it…and i would help you no matter how much you’re paying. Yes…i will, don’t look so surprised…One question…Why? Why do you complicate your life by helping abused woman and children? You could easily open a center for rich families, to provide them health care…

I kept the silence for a few moments, just to decide how much i can say…and then my heart and soul just opened in front of him.

-Because i know about every single form of abuse…from being neglected as a child and being raped as an adult…From losing my mother and losing the love of my life…from being confronted with a dominant husband and being sold by the only guy i ever trusted…from trying to kill myself and being saved by a man who dreams to call him “sir” in intimacy…by the way, i’ll never call him that way…Ray, i know everything about pain and hurt…because i experienced it too much. I’m an empty shell now…sometimes i wish i could drown myself in tears and i can’t cry anymore. And…you know what? I don’t care about myself anymore! But i care about them…about the ones who, just like myself, don’t give a damn about themselves. Do i make any sense?

He just stood there, looking deep in my eyes. I thought i saw the trace of a tear but he just looked at the ground. Then, suddenly his arms opened for me and i found myself in his arms, feeling safe and warm.

-I will help you…you will care about yourself again, you will cry again…you will feel again…Ali…even if it takes a lifetime…I’m overwhelmed now but i know for sure that i wanna be a part of your project…and a part of your life…

-Thank you, Ray…

-I have a gift for you, it was hard but i finally found it…

He took out of his pocket a small picture, ¬†taken from a newspaper…a beautiful woman who’s eyes were my eyes…who’s hair was my hair…who’s smile reminded me of those times when i still smiled…My knees got weaker and Ray came closer to support me…

-This is…how did you…i never…

-I had to dig a lot…yes, Ali…this is your mother…look at the sparks in her eyes…Ali, you were deprived from the most precious memory a girl should have…the picture of her mother…You lost her twice…first…life took her away from you when you were just a child and second…your father decided to erase her from your mind. I can’t go back in time…but at least i can help you recover some of your memories…

I think i told him “please hold me”…and he did…Flashes came back in my mind…a lullaby, a prayer…her soft voice and a song…a warm sensation of being tucked every night…and then the loneliness of an empty room…with no toys…no pictures…no…her…a little girl crying for her mommy…and a new room filled with expensive toys, a therapist saying to my father that i have to forget in order to survive…

-Ali…breath…you’re about to pass out…

Mom…if you could see me now…would you hold me one more time? Would you forgive me for all the mistakes i made? Would you care for me even if i’m death inside? Please love me…even if i lost my way…

I wanna change my world…

“I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what’s beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth.”

(Westlife feat. Diana Ross-“When you tell me that you love me”)

Eight years ago…

-Tell me about him…this guy you’re in love with…you said he’s older? How much older?

-Like 30 and something…

-C’mon Aly…you know exactly how old is he…you said his name is Peter? Wait a minute…he’s…

-I know, dad! Now you’re gonna give me the speech about how he’s gonna use me and i’m gonna get hurt. And how i need someone more close to my age…a nice young man from a nice family…

-Sweety…you’re only 20…you’re smart, beautiful and you have your future ahead. You really wanna be in a relationship with a 35 years old man? What do you think he wants from you? A family? I’m sorry i cannot agree to this!

-I didn’t ask for your opinion, dad! We love each other, there’s nothing you can do about that…

-You love him, i can imagine that. He has style, charisma, experience…he makes you feel important…but have you ever wondered what is gonna happened when he’ll get bored? Because in a few month he will…

-I can’t believe that! So, you don’t think he can love me? Because i’m so unattractive and boring, right? I’m so lucky to have your money…other wise no guy would ever look at me! It’s so good to know the way you really think about me…

-Aly…you misunderstood me. You’re not the problem here…he is. You’re too good for someone like him…

-You know, dad…i heard that a thousand times before! No one is good enough for me! I think i’m old enough to make my own decisions! He love me, he told me that…it’s all that matters to me. And if you’re not ok with this…it’s your problem! Peter and I we’re gonna get married and have children some day…

Now…

-Alicia…did you heard any word i said to you? I know you’re tired, but as soon as you sign this, you’re free! You can forget all about him and concentrate on your real future. You talked to your father?

-Yes, he’s so happy…it’s like his dream to see me working in his company…away from Peter and modelling…

-away from a toxic and abusive relationship, Alicia! And away from a world that can only harm you…you know i’m right!

-…so, tell me…how much is my dad paying you? All the investigation…and baby-sitting me…pretending you’re my friend, gaining my confidence. And one more thing…the seduction was a part of a plan? The red roses…they must costed a lot. And what you said…you’ll have my heart before having my body…so romantic. My dad knows about this too? If i wanna sleep with you…how much is it? Tell me, Phillipe…am i rich enough or should i borrow some money from my dad?

-I understand you’re upset…but i won’t allowed you to talk like this to me…

-Really? And what are you going to do about this?

-Listen to me and listen very careful, Alicia. I told you the truth. Your father hired me when you started dating Matt again. Because he knew about his past…My job was to make sure he wont be around you anymore, witch i did. But then you showed up…in my hotel room, crying in my arms. And the image i had about you was changed completely. After your father told me many times how immature, impulsive and spoiled you are…it was like a revelation…

-What do you mean by revelation?

-About myself…that i can love again. Seeing you so hurt with tears in your eyes, feeling your body trembling in my arms, knowing how deep and beautiful can you really feel…i didn’t cared anymore about your father, it was all about you. To love you…protect you, even from yourself if i have to…And i lied to you…it was wrong, i know, but it was not a crime. So, don’t punish me for carrying! And don’t insult me anymore, i wont take it, not from you, not from anybody else. I’m not your enemy…

-I almost believe you…

-Come here…i wanna feel you in my arms. Close your eyes…everything will be ok, i promise you this.

-Because you’re here to save me, right?

-…because i’m here to make sure you’ll never feel like a victim of your own destiny. This is not an option anymore. I’ll give you the power to control your life. And the will to do it…