Her blue heart…

“Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible…”

(Shontelle-“Impossible”)

-Ali, you’re not yourself anymore! You dress different, you talk different…and the look in your eyes, like you’re not there anymore…What happened to you? Phillipe…i know he has something to do with this cause, ever since you came back from London, you’re a different person! Ali…you’re not listening to me…

-Look, Peter, i’m tired…so, why did you wanted to see me? To convince yourself that i’m a different person? To see me with your own eyes…you saw, now leave me alone…

I really felt tired and sad. He tried to take me in his arms and i pushed him away. No more…

-See…this is exactly what i mean! You push me away, you push everybody else away…You don’t laugh anymore, you don’t cry anymore, you’re silent and cold. Remember a year ago, we were planning Christmas and you were dancing out in the street…I took you in my arms and i said “Alicia, you’re gonna catch a cold…” and you kept dancing and you said…

-“How could i catch a cold if i’m wearing a volcano in my heart?” i said with a sad smile.

-Where’s the volcano? Where’s the passion…Ali, i’m extremely worried…i wish you just talk to me. I wish i could just see in your eyes, just one more time…

…The girl i used to be…wanna hear a story? A really sad one? About a girl who had it all? Money, a family, beauty and the love of her life…Yes, she felt in love once and he wanted her. They moved together and she dreamed of a life with him. She dreamed of children and grandchildren…Eight Christmases, that’s all she had with him. Every one had a different color. The last one was blue, like his eyes. Like her heart…

No one told her how to fix her heart. She tried…in other arms…she tried to make it right again. But her broken heart broke even more. “A blue heart is still beautiful”. That’s what she kept repeating to herself…till she couldn’t stand her own lies. And one day, he noticed…and he took her heart in his hands, he put a nice blue ribbon on and he just returned the broken gift…”Take it back, it wasn’t mine…it was never mine”…that’s what he said…Another lie, a cruel and cold lie…

The girl tried to escape from the pain inside…in the only place where she felt safe. In her own mind, in her own imagination…she felt it so real…What if…and this thought gave her wings…what if true love belongs to a virtual place? Than this man…who said “i love you”…may he be the One? If love cannot be found in real world…

Mean while in reality…someone saw her blue heart and decided he wants her. A blue heart for his own private collection. He was rich, he thought he could buy it. But her heart wasn’t for sell…it’s priceless and it only comes as a gift. “Princess, i never lose and i have every right to fight using everything and everyone to win this blue heart of yours. So, just say it, i would pay any price…your life? A child’s life? Your father’s company? Name the price and i’ll pay it!”…

She should had run away…but deep inside her heart she was a warrior and she decided to stay and defend her freedom to chose. Poor girl, so full of herself…She never knew that she’ll be the one paying the price. Her soul, her life…her freedom…

And i can’t remember if she finally gave him her heart, or if she’s still searching for someone who can fix it. All i know is that he still call her “princess” and he still says he loves her. And he’s still willing to give anything, to pay no matter how much to have her. Does this mean she’s precious? It should count for something…

-ALI! You realize you’re not saying a damn thing? Girl…if you’re not going to tell me right now what’s in your mind…

-Do NOT shout at me, Peter! Do NOT give me orders! Do you understand? I’m not your sub! If you really wanna know, i was thinking that this is my first Christmas without you…

-Awww…i’m sorry, Ali…i know, baby, it’s hard for me too. But you’re happy with your husband, right? Phillipe is treating you right? And lately, every time i see you two together, you seems so in love with him…always kissing and cuddling…

-That’s true…he’s my husband and i love him with all my heart. My blue heart…

Yeah, right…

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Unbreakable

“You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain .”

(Bon Jovi-“Blaze of glory”)

The darkness and the coldness of the night broke my eyes…i was cold and i was afraid. But i had to get out of the house! Too many shadows, too many doubts and a loneliness almost unbearable. I took the long road, not knowing where my steps will lead me. I didn’t even knew where i’m going. Pretending is just a night walk…pretending that my tears are caused by the cold wind.

The road became so familiar and, before i could rationalize, i was at his door. His house, our house…eight years of picturing in my mind how i’m gonna grow old there, surrounded by children and grandchildren…My fingers touched the doorbell…Nothing…maybe he’s not even there. And it’s better this way. Why should i share my memories with him…

-Alicia…Ali…what are you doing here? Where’s Phillipe? He’s with you?

Suddenly i realized the truth…i belong to another life now.

-Hi, Peter…i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here…i started to walk and i found myself at your door. You know…my insomnia…i’m leaving now, sorry for bothering you.

He took me by my shoulders and leaded me inside. His warm hands in contact with my cold naked shoulders…i feel a shiver trough my body.

-God, Ali, you’re frozen! What was in your mind…in this silky dress with bare shoulders…you’re gonna catch a cold…i’ll get you a blanket…

-No…don’t go…can you hold me for a little while? And then i’ll go…

Without a single word, he took me in his arms, holding me tight and caressing my skin so gentle…making me melt inside. I rested my head on his chest sensing his perfume…re-living a long lost feeling. And letting my tears falling…

-Hey…Ali…what’s wrong? Something happened…he did something to you?

-no…

-Where is Phillipe? And why are you so sad, wondering around in the middle of the night? You’re getting me so worried…

I tried to catch my breath so i could say something, but my voice was like a whisper.

-He’s at a meeting…gonna stay there the whole night…and i…

I looked in his eyes, just to see if he heard me…meeting his eyes…he wanted to say something but he changed his mind…he took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears…leaned to me and in a magic moment his lips were pressing against my lips…soft and deep…turning an innocent kiss into a passion…I closed my eyes…living the moment like it were the last kiss on earth…with hunger and love…so much love.

-Peter…i wanna…

-Please…don’t go…i know it’s wrong and i should control myself better…

I stopped him from talking, pressing gently with my fingers on his lips. He kissed every finger…

-I know it’s crazy…Peter…but i want it for the last time…i wanna make love to you…one last time…

I looked at him and all the old feelings were there, in his eyes. Love, desire, passion…He lifted me in his arms…so soft and gentle, so reassuring…I felt the warmness of the fireplace and the sensations were mixing in my mind. The cold air made me tremble…for the first time since i got there i felt afraid…

-Ali…you know i wont hurt you…never…please, don’t be afraid…

I smiled at him…i smiled to myself, pulling him closer to me, giving myself to the feelings, to the pleasure, to the desire…He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss every inch of my body…touching my soul. And i felt like turning back time…eight years ago. The same innocence and the same urge to feel like i belong to him…like he and i were one body…one soul. And the intensity of the moment was strong like the eruption of a volcano and tender and sweet…like the song of a violin.

I stayed there with my eyes closed waiting for a miracle…maybe to find myself back in time…before all the madness started…when i still believed in love…His voice was so deep, touching my memories.

-I love you…after all this time…and i always will…

– It breaks my heart…Peter…why?

-why?…

-Why wasn’t i good enough? All these years i just wanted to be good enough…i never was…

The sadness in his eyes was tearing my heart apart. I saw tears in his eyes and a tremble in his voice.

-Ali…you were perfect to me. Eight years ago, when our story started, you were like a dream come true. So beautiful and innocent…so in love. With me…And in time…more i discovered you…more i realized that you’re just perfect to me. And i was afraid…

I looked at him and i only felt love. Not anger…not pain…love, only love…He continued with a strangled voice, like he was fighting his inner demons.

-…i was so afraid of loosing you…picturing in my mind the moment when you’re gonna leave me because you found someone better…And i felt like going crazy…i tried to put distance between us…hoping i’ll control better my fears. I pushed you away…till you lost every beautiful feeling for me. It burned my heart when i found out about you and Tony…but at least i had a reason to hate you…is this making any sense to you? Baby…it’s not about you…it’s about me…i was never good enough…that’s how i felt…

I searched for the right words, but all i felt was silence…overwhelming silence.

-please…say something…Ali…at least tell me you don’t hate me…

-no…i never hated you. My love…you’re still my love and you’ll always be…even in our worst moments…And tonight…you saved my life again. Peter…what am i going to do without you? I can’t…i just can’t…

He kissed my tears and held me tight till i stopped crying…till the tremble of my body melted into a warm sensation. And the darkness seemed less cold…making love in the sunrise…

The line between love and hate is so thin…Being safe or feeling frightened…starting a new life or going back in time…In the morning, all my confusing thoughts were shattered by the light of the sun. I knew i belong to another life. My life with Phillipe…

Because me and Peter…two kids building a castle of sand. The wind and the waves were stronger…destroying our dream. Peter just gave up…while I was pretending that my castle is unbreakable…

that my heart is unbreakable…