Sometimes Angels cries too

“Tell me that I’ve got it wrong
Tell me everything will be okay
Before I fall
Tell me they’ll play my songs
Tell me they’ll sing the words I say
When darkness falls…”

(Tom Dice-“Me and my guitar”)

a few hours earlier

-So, what do you wanna know, my sweet Belle?

-Everything…

-Her name is Angella…she was beautiful, smart and sweet, just like you…First time i saw her i thought she’s an angel. And i was 20, just finishing my first year in the Catholic Seminary. Yes, don’t look so surprised, i felt like i found my true calling, to serve God with my whole being…And i was so wrong…Anyway, i met her, i felt in love like crazy and i left school, trying to build a life with her. And for a few weeks i was so happy, i thought i found my Heaven. And when she left me…

-What happened…why…if you were so in love…

-She realized she needs more in life than love, my love…She got tired of living in poverty, always missing one thing or another…And she found someone who can give her everything. End of story! And i went to medical school in an attempt to heal myself by healing others…

There were so many things i wanted to say to him…seeing him so hurt it was more than i could take. My eyes were filled with tears…I wanted to shout out loud “She never truly loved you, Mark! I love you, look at me…”, but he seemed lost there, in the past. I needed him, i needed his strength cause i felt lost too…

-Mark…

-I’m sorry, Isabel, i shouldn’t have said all these things to you…but you found her picture and i feel like i need to be always and completely honest to you. It’s over…Angella is a part of my past, you and me…us…

-Everything i know about love, about true love…i learned from you. I never felt so free, so protected, so beloved…like i’m with you. I love you, Mark, in my heart i’m yours and all i want…i wanna be yours completely…

Maybe my insecurities were leading me to this point, maybe my own desires took control over my mind…I touched his face and gently touched his lips with my fingers. He kissed my fingers…and tried to say something, then changed his mind. Pulling me closer to him, he started to kiss me with an unleashed passion. I started to unbuttoned his shirt kissing every inch of his body…He leaned me gently on the bed and, with slow moves, started to explore…My body was responding in ways i never knew i can feel, so eager to feel him becoming a part of me…

And suddenly he stopped…He looked at me with a sadness beyond words.

-Isabel…this is wrong, you know it…

-No…i want you…i need you, Mark..please…make love to me…i love you…

He looked deep into my eyes and i felt lost again. When he spoke, he sounded so serious…

-Belle, i love you too. But that can’t change reality…and the reality is that you’re married and maybe one day you’ll regret our relationship. You have never experienced this kind of life…and it’s not fair…maybe you’ll decide that you belong to the world you left behind…

-No, Mark, never! You’re so wrong and you don’t realize! I belong to you…your world is my world…i’m not scared of hard work or poverty. I’m only scared that you love her! I’m not Angella…i’m not that smart and beautiful and sweet! I’m imperfect, i make a lot of mistakes and i made a huge one marrying Phillipe…But i know i love you in a way she never did!

I realized too late that i was shouting. He walked toward the door…

-I think we both need time to calm down. I’m really sorry, Isabel and i wanna leave before i’ll say anything else…i’ll be back in an hour, ok?

after a few hours

-Our first fight? He asked smiling, like a child who got caught…

-No, Mark…my first prove of insanity. Forgive me for yelling at you…i really have no right. These are just my insecurities and my fears. It seems like i have a problem with rejections…

-My sweet Belle…only a fool would reject you…and i pretend to be smart…i was wrong and insensitive. I’m insecure too…i never imagined being with someone like you, i still feel is a dream…Tell me once again!

-Yes, Mark! I’ll go with you to Africa! I would go with you to the end of the world! I’m letting all behind and i wanna help you with the orphans you told me about.

-Are you sure, Isabel? You don’t need more time to think? After all…we were preparing to go to Eastern Europe and the new came out of the blue…

-Why should i need time? You said something to me once: anywhere in this world…where is pain and we can help…remember? So, is Kenya, right? They need our help…the children and the young adults living in shelters and orphanages. Let’s go to Kenya, Mark!

-Did anybody told you how amazing you really are? Isabel…i love you…

-Together…Mark…the only way i can be amazing…is being with you.

…even if deep in my heart i know, i feel…you still love her…And it doesn’t matter…as long as i can look in your light blue eyes…as long as i can hear you saying i love you…as long as i have something to hold on to…

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Just an empty place

“Where do broken hearts go
Can they find their way HOME
Back to the open arms
Of a LOVE that’s waiting there…”

(Withney Houston-“Where do broken hearts go”)

Two weeks ago

-Ready to face the world, Ali? If it were up to me we would never go back…but i have to deal with the consequences too…

-What do you mean? You heaven’t done nothing bad…

-Ali, you’re the sweetest girl ever…but i did a few things…i’m not proud of myself! I completely lost my self-control…and maybe some day you’ll blame me…

-no…never! What we did…we did it together…i was lonely and sad…and i flirted with you the whole time…i’m assuming my role in the game…remember, partners in crime?

-Ali, the crime was already committed…

-now, stop it, Henry…you copy my words…

-so, what will you do when you’ll arrive at Monte Carlo?

-the only thing i can do: stay away from Phillipe, my father, their company…and search for my love, my true love…maybe i’ll never find him, but at least i gotta try! So, take me back in the jungle, i have a few snakes to lock away in cages…

today

-…the ring just looks amazing on your finger…did i told you today how happy you made me? My fiancee…

-interesting choice of the stone…a black diamond…

-you deserve every diamond in the world, princess…i know it’s not traditional but…our relationship isn’t traditional neither…my love…

-no…not traditional at all…remember how you proposed me? I was at the hospital with little Roby, scared to death…and you told me about that expensive treatment in Tokyo…and you were offering to pay it…you said, in front of his parents, that you don’t need anything in return…anything except…

-except for you to accept my marriage proposal…

-correct, Phillipe! So, Helen started to cry, almost kneeling in front of me…it was horrible…and i found myself in the worst situation any person could be…

-princess…i have every right to fight for your love…tell me, is it so wrong? You saved little Roby’s life…Helen is happy, we are happy…your father is happy…i gave him back the company…like you wanted…

-I’m not happy! I didn’t saved Roby’s life, God did this! Your money helped a lot…but it was God’s choice…

He started to laugh, holding my hands and kissing my fingers.

-…then, Alicia, my love…just pretend you’re accepting God’s will…like a good saint that you are! Hope you’re not gonna bring this “saint-attitude” to our bedroom, princess…What, you’re blushing? Now…come here…that’s the sweetest thing i ever saw…

-…

-i was so proud of you today…you’re the leader i always wanted you to be. If your father could see you…by the way, how does he feels? Do you think he’s strong enough to be told the good news?

-he’s recovering…but, please, give him more time…he just had a heart attack…any stress could kill him…we’ll just tell him at the right moment…

-Alicia…when? we’re getting married in a few weeks…

I started to feel like suffocating…like every time he mention the word “marriage”. Only this time it got worst…

-baby…drink some water…breath calmly…it’s alright…you almost had a panic attack…every time i try to talk to you about our wedding…and it’s going to happened…

-why? why the rush? why the pressure? What do you want from me…i already accepted it…

-…nothing, my love…only your heart. Is it too much to ask? After all i did for you…tell me princess? How much pain and suffering do you need to see around you…so you could realize that in this world it’s not just you? There’s other people, Alicia…you’re only thinking about yourself…so selfish…but you’re young, we have time to change it…

He started to caress my hair…kissing my neck…pressing me against his body…

-…actually, Alicia…i lied…it’s not just your heart that i want…come to bedroom and i’ll show you what i mean…now, don’t act so scared, there’s nothing wrong in making love to your future husband…

Making love to my future husband…his words were burning my heart…but do i still have a heart? Sometimes everything he said seems to make sense…maybe i love him but i’m just afraid…after all, marriage was always such a delicate issue to me…

But what if i don’t?

Stronger…

“WOMEN WHO HAVE MADE MISTAKES
ARE A LITTLE AFRAID
THEY DON’T LIKE TAKING CHANCES
SHE WILL PLAY THE WAITING GAME
SHE’S NEVER IMPRESSED BY THE MANLY ADVANCES
I KNOW I’VE JUST MET YOU
MAYBE I SHOULD KNOW BETTER
BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY
THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE THAT’S SO RIGHT”

(Tina Turner-“I don’t wanna loose you”)

-I just spoke to Brice…it’s a poem, a goth poem inspired from a medieval story. So, it’s not about you…or me! There’s no evil forces ready to take you to the darkness, my princess! Just me…more than ready to take you to bed…

I started to laugh. He was charming, as always, knowing exactly what to say to ease my tension. The hot shower made my skin warm and soft and i knew how much he loves the scent of roses from my favorite perfume…I wanted to look beautiful for him, knowing how much he’s trying to make everything perfect for me. The room was gorgeous…the modern designs combined with the medieval style, all white…

-Alicia…you look amazing…

He was in front of the door and his eyes were proving me he really mean it…he seemed fascinated and that made me feel so proud of myself…

-Wait, i’m not ready yet! I didn’t brushed my hair…

-Let me do that…it will be my pleasure…

He took the brush from my hand and held me close leading me to bed. I sit there, relaxed…he started to brush my hair and the sensation was incredible…

-You like it, princess?

-Phillipe…i feel so relaxed…i don’t even know when i felt like this in the past…i guess…never before…

-good…that’s the way you should feel…no silly painting will change that…

-i’m sorry for believing that it was about us…

-you know…when i saw that scared look on your face…you’re not afraid, aren’t you, Alicia? I want you to tell me that you trust me…

-i do…i trust you completely…i’m here…i’m still here…because of you…you know it, that night…when Peter tried to…i just wanted to die…

-don’t pronounce his name in my presence!

The sound of his voice was changed…he stopped brushing my hair and now he turned me to look directly in my eyes.

-…no, Phillipe…i want you to know something…it was not only about that night…I felt so hurt because he never tried to talk to me after that…not a single call…after eight years of relationship…and knowing how much pain he caused me…he didn’t even cared if i’m alive or dead…

-he did.

Phillipe said this in such a normal tone…i started to wonder if i heard it right…He pushed me gently against the pillow, holding my body tight and looking straight into my eyes.

-I will tell you once…and then i don’t wanna hear a single word about him. He called you many times that night…i blocked all the calls but i did send him a message…that if it will be one more call…i’ll ask for a restriction order…

All the information was too much…i felt overwhelmed. I tried to get up but he was holding me close to his body…her hands were caressing my skin an he continued to talk calmly…

-and there were a few messages as well…i erase them all…pathetic, don’t you think? but no more of this…you’re mine and i wanna make love to you…

-Phillipe…you had no right…i can’t believe what you just told me. I trusted you with my life and you lied to me like this…let me go! I’m going home right now!

He looked at my without any intention of letting me go. Holding my hands so strong, i knew i had no chance and for a moment i wondered if he could be able…but this time i didn’t felt panic…just anger.

-You will let me go right now…or you’re not man enough to have a woman without forcing her? At least Peter had an excuse, he was drunk. Yes, Peter! Did you heard me? I just pronounced his name! Now what you’re gonna do? Force me into what? I feel pity for you…you don’t stand a chance in a fair fight with me…

He released my hands and started to laugh so hard…

-And guess what! I’m not yours! Never was and never will be someone’s toy…Now why the hell are you laughing?

-Alicia…princess…you’re so beautiful when you get angry! So rebel and disrespectful…What will i do with you? I really don’t stand a chance…

-What do you mean?

-You wanna feel loved but when i love you…you want your freedom! You wanna be happy but you’re not letting the past go! You told me to let you go…but you’re still here…half naked…the most beautiful woman i ever saw in my life. Those sparks in your eyes…so much anger…so much passion…Now, my beauty…you’re in control! I’ll give you ten seconds…if you’re still here after this time…i’ll take the liberty to explore that sexy body of yours and i swear i’ll make you bag for more…

-I’ll never bag…

His words were the complete shock to my ears…My own reaction were betraying me, because in all this time…i didn’t felt any fear or any pain. I felt anger…of him, or it was the old bitterness that i collected from my relationship with Peter? I didn’t wanted to go home…i wanted to stay and explore this new feeling…my ability to go beyond the “victim stage”. It was all about having control over my emotions…

-Too late…time expired! Now don’t start to struggle or i’ll think you like some kinky role-playing…

-Phillipe…there’s no role-playing here…i want you…i want this to be right…

His kisses and the way he touched my body…with the passion and desire i dreamed about…but still so gentle, like touching the open petals of a rose…That was all the reassuring i needed. And my own responses…all the anger turned into pleasure…

There’s something i learned from all those years of feeling helpless…When you feel like a victim, you’ll only attract two kind of partners: the aggressor and the savior. And it’s very easy to confuse them…

So…what’s beyond “the victim stage”? Freedom? Love? Both?…