Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…

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So hard to say good bye…

“Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man.”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

Saint Tropez, France

I looked into his eyes…so much tenderness, so much love…like all the darkness, all the coldness was left behind. For the first time i became so aware of the reality: this is the man i’m about to marry…this is the real him. And his arms around me, caressing my skin and kissing me so passionate, this is reality…

-Baby, what are you thinking about? You’re smiling…but i can feel you’re so far away…

-You know…this time i’m not far away…Phillipe, i feel like i’m falling in love with you…and i can’t believe it took me so long to feel…it’s so amazing to be with you here, seeing you so happy and relaxed…i wanna be with you, just like this, forever…I’m just so sorry for all the struggle and fights…

He stopped me from talking kissing me gently…

-I already forgot them…it doesn’t matter…because all i ever wanted, ever since i saw you for the first time, was to be with you…to have you in my life. And i’m the first to admit that i made mistakes…but you’re all i love, all i have in this life. I know…that’s no excuse for pressuring you like i did…but at least we’re happy now…and i’m gonna spend the rest of my life making you happy…

-sometimes i feel it’s a dream…

I felt tears running down my cheeks. I needed to cry…because finding love means giving up everything else.

-I know it’s hard for you…Alicia, i know how much i’m asking from you, but, baby, you’ll see it’s for the best. I want you to stay focused on us…and not to give your energy to people who don’t even care about you. Do you understand me? Those relationship are fake…we are the real thing…

-It’s just that…i lost so much already…i alienated so many people and i miss them terribly…Liz and Tony, Tess, even Helen and Bryce…little Robby…and Peter…

-of course, Peter!

I felt him suddenly tense and angry.

-No, i didn’t mean it like that…Peter is nothing more than a part of my past…it was hard to see him lowering himself like he did…but at least he’s getting help now…i lost my admiration, my respect for him, that’s painful. In an ideal world…

-In an ideal world, your father would support us and he would be happy for you…he would never accuse you of selling yourself…and in an ideal world, your friends would be the firsts to encourage you to marry the man you love. But instead…they are telling you to be careful…like you’re in danger with me…Baby, this is not an ideal world! This is reality…and in real life we’re making choices…you gotta choose…

-I’m choosing you, Phillipe…with all my heart and soul…even if is tearing me apart to make choices like that…and i know there’s no guarantees…but i need you to say the words for me…will you, my love?

-Yes…with all my heart and soul…Alicia…this will be forever…no matter what, i’m not gonna loose you again…I’m not letting you go, not even if i had to fight with the whole world…there’s nothing…absolutely nothing is too much…if in the end i’m with you!

Accepting my own decision…living with their consequences. Is that a mature way to live? In a perfect ideal world, there’s no choices…because everything is made out of love. But we’re living in reality, and sometimes fear, jealousy or insecurity run the show. Saying good bye to my past, to my former relationships…is this really possible? Only time can tell…

Touched by an Angel

“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be…”

(J. Groban-“To where you are”)

Lacoste, Provence (France)

-It’s so quiet in here…

-Isn’t it beautiful, Alicia? Look at the colors, so bright and alive…this place has a life of himself. If you listen carefully you might hear the wind whispering trough the lavender fields…

-Are you sure is not le Marquis de Sade, telling us to get away from his village? i asked smiling to Phillipe.

-We’ll see, my beauty…i have a surprise for you…

-Other that visiting his castle? It’s a lifetime visit, considering that it’s not opened to public. You really have friends in high places, Phillipe.

-Baby…promise me you wont run away…i arranged for us to stay over night at the castle. Hope you’re not scared of the rumors…

-What rumors? My God, i’m going to sleep in the same place where le Marquis de Sade…

-In his home, my love. And yes…some terrible things happened there. I know how sensitive you are, Alicia…And there’s a downside to this: i have to do something before we’ll get there. Is a part of the surprise…

-It’s alright…i saw a small church, i could visit that place while you’re doing…you know what.

-No, don’t go to the church…it’s not even catholic. Look, there’s a bistro…they have a great coffee and i’m back in an hour. I hate leaving you alone…

-I’ll be fine…go and arrange my surprise!

He kissed me and made me promise that i won’t go anywhere else than the bistro. And i won’t talk to the local people. And i won’t say a word about the place where i’m sleeping tonight. Overprotective…i said to myself.

Of course…i always do what i’m told not to do…

The small church doesn’t seemed catholic, it had the look of a protestant place. And also seemed empty…i found a place to stay and admire the ray of light dancing to the walls. The feeling of peace and love was so strong…i almost felt like a child in his mother’s arms. My mom, i missed her so much. And what if…I looked around me…no one could hear me, so i started to talk looking to the blue light from the window…

-God, i know i don’t pray and you know how much i avoid churches…Maybe You’re upset with me, but if You can hear me…i miss her. Mom, if you’re there, it’s Isabel. Remember how you used to call me? I know it’s been a while…sometimes i can’t even remember how you looked and that scares me. Do you remember me? I was 5 when i saw you for the last time…I’m a grown woman now. You know, mom, sometimes i feel like a little girl angry and scared and all i want is for you to hold me tight…or at least to give me a sign that you still love me…

I felt warm salty tears running down my face and i realized i’m on my knees looking at the sky…Just when i tried to get up on my feet, i heard a sound of steps behind me. I turned and there it was…this man was here all the time. He was just looking at me with the most beautiful light-blue eyes i ever saw in my life. Curly blonde hair and a disarming smile…I felt like my face is turning red…

-I apologize…i heard you talking and i didn’t want to make you feel bad…your words touched me and i just couldn’t go. I’m really sorry. I’m Mark…you must be Isabel?

-It’s actually Alicia ┬áIsabel. My mother used to call me Isabel. I guess you hear it all…i just made a complete fool of myself…

-No, don’t say this! I was afraid i’m gonna start to cry…i grew up without my parents, they died in a car accident and i miss them terribly. I’m sorry, don’t know why i’m telling this to you.

I looked in his eyes, he seemed so friendly and honest…for the first time in my life i felt completely lost in front of a man…not knowing what to say or do.

-So, you’re from Lacoste? i asked thinking that’s the most stupid thing i can say…

-No, Isabel, i’m from London. I work in a hospital and i’m also a Red Cross missionary…I’m here with a few friends visiting La Cote d’Azur. And to be honest, i saw you going in this church and i just couldn’t stop following you here…now ┬ái made a complete fool of myself…

I smiled to him wiping away my tears…

-When i first saw you…your eyes…you look like an angel and for a brief moment i though…

-That i’m an angel? Isabel…that’s the sweetest thing i ever heard. No…just an ordinary man. Can i give you my phone number? I really want to talk to you again…

When he opened his wallet i saw there a picture. It was Jesus and His Heart…

-What’s there? I had one like this when i lived with my mom…

-What? Divine Mercy? It’s something i always have…it makes me feel more in peace with myself, knowing how much He loves me…You had one too?

-Yes, and a necklace too, with a medal with two hearts and a few letters written…can’t remember. My mom always said i’m protected wearing it…but when me and my dad moved away…he didn’t allowed me to take them…i remember how much i cried…

-My God…Isabel, i had no idea…

He took me in his arms holding me tight. I felt like i never wanna let him go…my mind was telling me he’s a stranger but in my heart i felt like he’s what i’m searching for so long…

-I wanna give you this…

He gave me the little picture with Jesus…the Divine Mercy…

-And i think you need also this…

In that moment i saw it…he was wearing the same medal…the memories came back with a force that took my breath away…

-Mark, this is…

-The Miraculous Medal. And yes…you are protected when you wear it, your mom was right. It’s yours now…

-No, Mark, i can’t…you don’t even know me, how can you give me something so precious?…

-I have this feeling that you need it more than i do…I don’t know why, i just feel this…anyway, i have another one at home, so we’ll wear the same Medal, like a connection between us. Now…do you want me to help you with the necklace?

He touched my hair and slowly lift it. His fingers touched the back part of my neck…i tried really hard to not let him know the sensation he was creating in my body…I turned slowly, looking in his eyes. I wanted to thank him but i felt like crying…

-Now it’s perfect…let me wipe away these tears.

He touched my face so gently and pulled me closer to him…he leaned on me still looking in my eyes. I felt my heart beating so fast as he pressed his lips on mines kissing me with a tenderness i never felt before. I touched his curly hair letting him kiss me with passion, feeling my body trembling and my heart ready to explode…it felt like my first kiss…like my first love.

-Isabel, i don’t know how or where…but i have to see you again…promise me you won’t forget…

-Never…i’ll never forget you or the Miracle you made me live today. I…

-tell me…

-I love you…

He took me in his arms again and held me for a few more precious moments before he left…taking my heart with him.

(to be continued)