Light of my heart and soul

“A silent wish sails the seven seas
The winds of change whisper in the trees
And the walls of doubt crumble, tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a child is born”

(“When a child is born”)

How am i going to tell him? What if…my God, is almost Christmas…next year the Christmas will be so different…

-Alicia…baby, you know how upsetting it is to me when you do this! You heaven’t called me for hours and when i call you, you’re asking me to come here…in this church…

-You like it? The church…i just came here and i lost the track of time…I’m sorry, Phillipe…i went to see the doctor today and the tests took some time and the results…i forgot to call you…

-No, my love…i’m sorry…i should had come with you…i completely forgot about your appointment. You’re upset…i’m so sorry…but at least you saw the doctor. Did you told him all about last week? That you passed out twice…and that you’re not eating anything and the headaches, nightmares…

-Yes, i did…

-So, did he gave you some vitamins? Or is it just emotional…baby, let me see your eyes, they’re red, you cried…Tell me all about…

-I don’t know how to tell you…

-Alicia, honey…any treatment you may need…i’m right here beside you…

-No…there’s no cure for what i have…

He took my face in his hands and my tears appeared in my eyes beyond my control. He looked down with a sad expression and then his eyes just became empty…

-That’s why you wanted to see me here. In a church…To tell me how i’m gonna loose you…Know what? I hate HIM! Yes, your God…and HE’s not winning this time! Cause if HE’s taking you away from me…i swear…i will burn every single church…from the ground…i will destroy every single trace of HIS presence on this world! Alicia…say something, baby…

-I didn’t meant to…oh, Phillipe…now you have to promise me two things…

-Anything, my love…

-First one: that you’re gonna love her, if is a baby girl…The second one: you’re gonna spare one church, cause we need it for the baptism…

-Are you saying that…

-YES! My love…you need to lower your voice, cause your son is listening to you, right now…Or your daughter…the doctor said is way to early to tell…we’re only 6 weeks old…

He took me in his arms and lifted me slowly and started to kiss me…dancing with me in the church…And when he put me down, i saw him kneeling at my feet, looking up at me…his eyes filled with happy tears…a light i never saw before.

-Phillipe…i’m sorry for scaring you like that…i didn’t knew how to tell you…i’m still in shock. Here…the doctor gave me this picture…wanna see our baby?

He helped me to sit down and sat next to me…his hands were trembling and when he took the picture he kissed it…

-Look at this tiny heart…

-Alicia…princess…is it real? My son…my precious baby…he’s so tiny now…tell me everything…you’re alright? And the baby?

-We’re both doing great. Me…i felt so sick because of the hormones, the doctor said is normal, he gave me something to help me with the morning sickness…And the baby…is perfect…he’s strong like his father…

-And handsome like his mother…my love…do you love me? Here…give me your hands, they’re so cold…from now on you are my one and only priority…i can’t believe i missed the first echography…what kind of man am I? What if the baby wont like me?

I started to laugh, with tears in my eyes…happy tears…

-Mon amour…the baby will love you…like i love you…You’re my man, my one and only…And we’re gonna be parents…imagine me, being a mother…

-The most beautiful, loving and sweet mother in the entire world! And i’m the luckiest guy ever…please, tell me you’re never gonna leave me…

-I swear it…you and the baby are my world…my life…i was a fool, crazy and selfish and you forgave me and you took me back home and now…now i have something to live for…my baby…ours…

He kissed me again and again…

-Princess, is cold in here…let’s go home, i wanna take care of you…you need to eat and sleep well…you’re carrying the most precious child in the entire world…my son…

Today i cried…I thought i’ll never cry again, i thought i’ll never feel…till i heard a tiny but strong heart beat…my child…And from that moment nothing mattered anymore except for this amazing love i’m feeling inside my heart and soul. My baby…he brought The Light back in my life, he’s the living proof that GOD does exists…And that HE’s always ready to forgive, to love and to give us a new chance…

The end. 

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This ain’t a love story…

“Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias
Mis ganas de vivir la vida
Devuelveme el aire…
Carino mio, sin ti yo me siento vacio
Las tardes son un laberinto
Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor…”

(Son by Four-“A puro dolor”)

Belle…love of my life…

Your curse functioned…i lost my peace of mind, my peace of soul..forever…My dreams are haunted by demons and the days…empty…and everything i touch turns into dust…And i have no right…i’m the sinner here…I broke your wings and I convicted both of us to living hell…Baby, if i could turn back time…

Belle…it seemed so easy to lock the door…just turn around and fulfill my dreams…now i wish i had one more chance to say to you: please, never leave me! My heart told me to stop you and i ignored…the “superior” reason won and now i’m lost…Tell me how to convince myself to wake up in the morning, knowing you’re not here beside me…tell me how to forgive myself…

You cursed me to a long life in misery…i’m already there, missing my Sun, my Joy, my Life…missing you with every piece of my broken heart. I’m such a fool…how could i try to save the world when i can’t even defend my love…Forgive me…or ask God for my forgiveness…cause He’s not answering anymore…My Angel…please…ask Him to release me from this cold, empty world…

Mark

I tried to ignore the tremble i felt inside me. Control yourself…words can’t touch you…words can’t harm you anymore…

-What do you say, Alicia…it’s probably a mistake but i wanted to be completely honest with you, so…when i saw the mail…

-Delete it! Phillipe, i’m starving…what’s for dinner?

-Wait…didn’t you read it? He wants you back, he’s regretting the moment when he took the money…my money…

-So what? He’s rich now…he’ll find some comfort…when he’s tired of playing hero…

He came closer and took my face into his hands. Looking deep in my eyes, touching gently my lips…

-Alicia…why are you like this? You think i like it? I know you’re hurting…i know you loved him and maybe you still do…i rather see you crying over him…

-I’ll never cry again! Never! Look…you’re my husband…the man who loves me, who cares for me…the man who’s holding me every night and the man who’s making my dreams come true. I belong to you…this is my place. On the other hand…Mark…who’s Mark?

-No one…

-Exactly! No one…so, my love…can we just forget him and concentrate on much more pleasant things…cause if you’re not taking me to dinner…at least take me to bed…

He carried me to the bedroom and everything seemed normal for a while. Because in my world normality is different from other’s normality…and this makes her precious and rare.

Me…my life…my world…who am I? No one…

Exactly. No one.

Sometimes Angels cries too

“Tell me that I’ve got it wrong
Tell me everything will be okay
Before I fall
Tell me they’ll play my songs
Tell me they’ll sing the words I say
When darkness falls…”

(Tom Dice-“Me and my guitar”)

a few hours earlier

-So, what do you wanna know, my sweet Belle?

-Everything…

-Her name is Angella…she was beautiful, smart and sweet, just like you…First time i saw her i thought she’s an angel. And i was 20, just finishing my first year in the Catholic Seminary. Yes, don’t look so surprised, i felt like i found my true calling, to serve God with my whole being…And i was so wrong…Anyway, i met her, i felt in love like crazy and i left school, trying to build a life with her. And for a few weeks i was so happy, i thought i found my Heaven. And when she left me…

-What happened…why…if you were so in love…

-She realized she needs more in life than love, my love…She got tired of living in poverty, always missing one thing or another…And she found someone who can give her everything. End of story! And i went to medical school in an attempt to heal myself by healing others…

There were so many things i wanted to say to him…seeing him so hurt it was more than i could take. My eyes were filled with tears…I wanted to shout out loud “She never truly loved you, Mark! I love you, look at me…”, but he seemed lost there, in the past. I needed him, i needed his strength cause i felt lost too…

-Mark…

-I’m sorry, Isabel, i shouldn’t have said all these things to you…but you found her picture and i feel like i need to be always and completely honest to you. It’s over…Angella is a part of my past, you and me…us…

-Everything i know about love, about true love…i learned from you. I never felt so free, so protected, so beloved…like i’m with you. I love you, Mark, in my heart i’m yours and all i want…i wanna be yours completely…

Maybe my insecurities were leading me to this point, maybe my own desires took control over my mind…I touched his face and gently touched his lips with my fingers. He kissed my fingers…and tried to say something, then changed his mind. Pulling me closer to him, he started to kiss me with an unleashed passion. I started to unbuttoned his shirt kissing every inch of his body…He leaned me gently on the bed and, with slow moves, started to explore…My body was responding in ways i never knew i can feel, so eager to feel him becoming a part of me…

And suddenly he stopped…He looked at me with a sadness beyond words.

-Isabel…this is wrong, you know it…

-No…i want you…i need you, Mark..please…make love to me…i love you…

He looked deep into my eyes and i felt lost again. When he spoke, he sounded so serious…

-Belle, i love you too. But that can’t change reality…and the reality is that you’re married and maybe one day you’ll regret our relationship. You have never experienced this kind of life…and it’s not fair…maybe you’ll decide that you belong to the world you left behind…

-No, Mark, never! You’re so wrong and you don’t realize! I belong to you…your world is my world…i’m not scared of hard work or poverty. I’m only scared that you love her! I’m not Angella…i’m not that smart and beautiful and sweet! I’m imperfect, i make a lot of mistakes and i made a huge one marrying Phillipe…But i know i love you in a way she never did!

I realized too late that i was shouting. He walked toward the door…

-I think we both need time to calm down. I’m really sorry, Isabel and i wanna leave before i’ll say anything else…i’ll be back in an hour, ok?

after a few hours

-Our first fight? He asked smiling, like a child who got caught…

-No, Mark…my first prove of insanity. Forgive me for yelling at you…i really have no right. These are just my insecurities and my fears. It seems like i have a problem with rejections…

-My sweet Belle…only a fool would reject you…and i pretend to be smart…i was wrong and insensitive. I’m insecure too…i never imagined being with someone like you, i still feel is a dream…Tell me once again!

-Yes, Mark! I’ll go with you to Africa! I would go with you to the end of the world! I’m letting all behind and i wanna help you with the orphans you told me about.

-Are you sure, Isabel? You don’t need more time to think? After all…we were preparing to go to Eastern Europe and the new came out of the blue…

-Why should i need time? You said something to me once: anywhere in this world…where is pain and we can help…remember? So, is Kenya, right? They need our help…the children and the young adults living in shelters and orphanages. Let’s go to Kenya, Mark!

-Did anybody told you how amazing you really are? Isabel…i love you…

-Together…Mark…the only way i can be amazing…is being with you.

…even if deep in my heart i know, i feel…you still love her…And it doesn’t matter…as long as i can look in your light blue eyes…as long as i can hear you saying i love you…as long as i have something to hold on to…

Forever

“I’ll be there for better or worse
till death do us part
I’ll love you with every beat of my heart.”

(All 4 One-“I swear”)

I know it’s not easy…but, dear God, this couldn’t be too hard for you…I’m asking for a chance…to come back to where it all started…because this road i took it’s much too hard to follow…and i wanna go back in time and change it all…Lord, there’s so many things i wanted to say to You, i feel my soul so heavy…

Sometimes i feel like i’m lost in the darkest night, leaving behind the Light…Leaving You behind…my faith and my beliefs…i miss having faith…i miss feeling hope, i miss praying with all my heart…

I still remember those warm nights…being a child and watching the stars. And my mother saying i’m the most bright star in her life. And now…she belongs with the stars…God, please tell me she’s there, next to all the angels and saints, because Heaven is the only place where i could imagine her to be…

I miss her every morning…every evening and…my Lord…in the darkness she’s the only light i see sometimes. God…don’t let me lose myself in this night…guide me back into the Light, show me the right path…And if this is Your choice…if my life is the way You decided to be, please Father, give me peace of mind…

-Hey…what’s going on here? These are not tears of joy…

Phillipe took me in his arms, holding me tight and it felt good. I wiped away my tears, smiling at him.

-I can’t believe we’re actually doing it! I know it supposed to be secret…but i feel like i wanna shout out loud: i’m getting married!

He started to laugh, and i saw the relief in his eyes.

-For a moment i thought you changed your mind. And baby…the feeling was unbearable. But i still need you to tell me why were you so sad before. And be honest…

-I think i’m just overwhelmed by emotions. I imagined this since i was a child and now…and i have no one to share with…you know, i miss her now, more than ever…

-Your mother?

-Yes…i’m so afraid, Phillipe…

He took my face in his hands, looking deep in my eyes with the most gentle look i ever saw.

-Baby, believe me, if i could…i would do anything to make you happy…but some things are beyond our decisions. We don’t really have the free will…But there’s no need to be afraid…i’m here and i’ll never leave you…

-What if i’ll be the worst wife ever…what if i’m not made for this type of life…and maybe in time you’ll regret it…

He stopped me from talking kissing me with a tenderness and passion i always dreamed.

-Now it’s better? You are the sweetest girl i ever met…but sometimes, baby, you’re so silly…Alicia, i love you. You will be my wife and the mother of my children…and the most important person in my life. Forever…

-Phillipe, i want you to know something. Regardless of how foolish i behaved lately…or how irresponsible i was…from the moment i’ll became your wife, i’ll be completely committed to you…I will love you and respect you and i’ll try really hard to follow your rules…

-I know you will. So…no more tears. There are things in life you cannot change…people call it destiny or “the choice of God”. From now on i wanna be the creator of your destiny…me, someone who loves you and knows what’s best for you. And you’ll be happy and fulfilled! The only thing i’m asking from you is to let me guide you…

-yes, i will…

He had a brightness in his eyes, and his smile told me how much it means to him…

dear God, give me faith…so i could be safe…

When Heaven cried

“Send them your heart
So they’ll know that someone cares
So their cries for help
Will not be in vain
We can’t let them suffer
No we cannot turn away
Right now they need a helping hand”

(Various artists-“We are the world”)

God, give me the power to accept what i cannot change…Please, God, make me wise enough to choose right from wrong, take away the anger and pain and fill my heart with Love and Hope…

Cause right now, my Lord, i can’t accept…and i cannot stop asking “Why?”…

-Alicia…baby, you’re crying…

-i’m sorry, Phillipe, i was watching on youtube…about the attack from Syria…

He took me in his arms and wiped away my tears.

-yes, i saw that…i know how sensitive you are about this kind of things…but there’s nothing you can do about…

-actually, i was praying…

-to who?

The question seemed so ironic…it made me lift my eyes to meet his look. He smiled at me and continued:

-to your God, right? And…what’s the result? Any answer so far? No wait, tell me first…what did you asked?

-wisdom and love…

He grabbed my chin so he could see deep in my eyes.

-baby…you don’t need to ask for that…you already have them. But if talking to an imaginary character helped you, that’s fine with me…anything for your beautiful smile…Tell me, wanna talk about this? The images you saw…

-Phillipe, what i saw…all those children…all the dying…what kind of people, what kind of human beings can hurt children this way? I heard their cries…that’s beyond cruelty. And i saw mothers and fathers crying…There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, that can justify these crimes.

-And what you feel right now? It’s more than sadness, right, Alicia? You feel anger…you want them to be punished…That’s why you asked for love and wisdom, because you cannot forgive and forget…

He was right, i couldn’t forgive and forget…I imagined that no one can…he continued to talk, fixing my eyes with his, like hypnotizing me.

-…and i’m pretty sure that you cannot turn the other cheek neither…or praying for those who did that to children…innocent children…

-no, i’m just too small, i feel too small…and i still need to “grow up”, spiritually meaning…so i could get near acceptance and love…but i ask for guidance in all my prayers…

He started to laugh.

-I’m sorry, baby, for laughing…but you’re so wrong…and deep inside your heart you know it. Accept the unacceptable and love the unlovable…Wanna know something about yourself? You can correct me if i’m wrong…

-go ahead, nothing can shock me anymore…

-You never followed rules, not even the simple ones. Always said you got your own set of rules…and never accepted someone else’s. In time, people tried to impose you things…they never succeeded…Am i right so far?

-yes…

-a rebel, no matter what, ever since you were a child! And you always felt special somehow and you’re still judging yourself really hard for that, like it were a bad thing…

-it is a bad thing…and i only wanna feel like a normal person, cause feeling special kinda isolates me…

-Let me continue, please…So, ever since you were a child, you took the initiative and the others followed you. You never accepted abuses and you always had an inner sense of justice. And sometimes, deep inside your heart, you feel that God Itself is not being fair…and, in your mind, you fight with Him, you questioned His choices. And that made you scared and confused, feeling guilty and sad…You’re still trying to deny those feelings, don’t you? And you still feel a strange presence around you, especially in your dreams…you try to tell yourself that it’s your Guardian Angel…

He talked like he could read my soul. It was too much…i turned my back on him, so that he couldn’t see the effect of his words. How he touched my soul…i felt so exposed and vulnerable…

-that means i’m right…

I turned to see his eyes, so deep, so dark…i touched gently his cheek and i started to play with his careless hair.

-Phillipe, can we drop this subject? You know you’re right…you seems to read my soul and my mind. And it really helped me to talk to you…but you scares me a little…

He ignored me and continued to speak:

-Alicia, if you knew…you’re not the only one who felt this way…those feelings, the inner fight and the deep sense of justice…You know who else questioned God?

-please…i’m tired…let’s go to bed, this discussion is too much for me…now you’re gonna tell me about fallen angels…

He smiled at me.

-Why would i tell you something that you already know? Come to bed, we’ll talk about this another time…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, so gentle and carrying…

-By the way…you didn’t said…He ever answers to your prayers?

-always…He just did that…My Lord, please forgive what seems to be beyond human forgiveness and heal our wounds produced by hate…thank you for being my guide trough the darkness…Holly Father, i’m still lost, i’m still searching…please, be my eyes when i can’t see…