Vanilla flavored

“I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out
How I can move from the back of the line”

(Emeli Sande-“Clown”)

-So…what did you thought when you saw my gift box with the pink ribbon? What did you imagined inside of it?

Phillipe started to laugh and i could tell from the look in his eyes that he’s happy, relaxed…it felt so good knowing i can make him feel like this, i really can bring these sparks in his eyes…

-Baby…the pink ribbon it’s one thing, but the scent of vanilla is the key here…the box has a strong vanilla flavor…so, i thought…

-Tell me…

-…a cookie, a teddy bear, even a pink underwear, for you to wear, of course…But, not in a million years…of course, i should never forget how surprising you are…Alicia…

I saw a shadow in his eyes and i put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It felt amazing…having him so close to me made me realize how much i want him in my life…forever…

He continued with a tempered tone, like being afraid to say the words.

-Baby, please listen to me…it was amazing…it felt like a dream come true, like fulfilling a need i almost forgot i have. I felt powerful, i felt honored by your trust in me, i felt excited like never before…but i can’t stop asking myself…you did it only for me? You felt somehow constrained, like it is your duty? Because i don’t want you to feel this way…

-Phillipe, i’m going to be very opened about this, to be honest…when i bought the handcuffs i did it only to look at them…i never thought i’ll be brave enough or that i’ll trust you enough…Mon amour, for me it was a shock to find out that the man i’m married with…wishes something different in intimacy, something like bdsm…i felt betrayed, scared, lied, abused…

His eyes were expressing so much regret, it almost melted me inside to see him so sad.

-Alicia, princess…my biggest regret is that i wasn’t honest with you from the start. I should had done it…you needed your freedom to choose. Now i know…

-Hey…don’t be so harsh to yourself…no…you never told me but there were so many signs…i just refused to admit to myself. Or maybe i just dreamed about changing you…it was unfair to you. So, you’re Dominant…so what? I still love you, i still wanna be with you for the rest of my life. The pink handcuffs…i guess they were my way of telling you that i wanna make you happy. That i trust you with my life…i trust you blindly and that i respect your decisions…I’m only afraid…

I stopped for a moment. He took me in his arms, keeping me warm with his body.

-Princess…what are you afraid of? You think i could hurt you…

-I’m afraid i’ll let you down…you see, mon amour…i wanna make you happy, but regardless of how hard i’m trying, i can’t be submissive…is not about intimacy…is about every day…Deep inside of me, there’s a rebel trying to escape…i can’t lock this side of me forever. And i admit…i’m terribly afraid of pain…

-Baby…causing you pain it’s out of discussion…i love every inch of your body…i only want you to feel pleasure from being touched by me…Alicia…how could you think of something like this…no wonder you were so scared every time…

-and i’ll never call you Sir! I can’t, Phillipe…i look at you and i see my lifetime partner, my man, my love…not my master…

-I look at you and i see my princess…the most beautiful woman in the whole world, the love of my life, the mother of my future children…not my sub. See? We’re not that different…And tonight you showed me all i needed to see…why would i ever ask you to call me Sir? And how could I? When i worship the ground you’re stepping on…

I felt my heart filled with a new feeling…hope…trust…He looked in my eyes and started kissing my neck. His eyes were playful.

-So…there’s a rebel who’s trying to escape…a beautiful sexy rebel…you know what i do with them, don’t you?

-Don’t know…throw them to the fire?

-Of course, we can start a fire…if i’ll kiss you here…and then move my attention to this little spot…But when i’m that lucky…to have a rebellious princess in my arms…i usually start by seducing her and then…we’re gonna make love…did i ever told you that…the scent of vanilla drives me wild…pure passion in her sweetest form…

And here’s an option i never took in consideration: having a happy marriage…I was used to fight, used to escape, even if it was in a virtual world once…but i never even thought that I could be happy. I never gave him a single chance, i never gave myself a single chance. Programmed for failure…sett to identify an aggressor in every person who ever got near me…when maybe the real enemy was living deep inside my own mind… 

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