Hopeless case

“Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me.”

(Bonnie Tyler-“Holding out for a hero”)

early in the morning

-How do you feel today, baby?

-Amazingly good…St. John’s Wort really helped me…and spending the night in your arms. Do i really have to go to see that therapist? I feel so much better…

-Princess…there’s no way you can convince me…

The phone was ringing loud and clear.

-Hello…yes…why? Damn it!

-What’s wrong, Phillipe?

-Well, i told you i spoke to a therapist, a woman specialized in hypnosis. It looks like she can’t make it…family problems…

-So, i can go to Gerard? Can i?

-Not so fast! She talked to one of her colleagues, an italian therapist famous for his successes in hopeless cases…

-I’m a hopeless case?

He took me in his arms, running his fingers trough my hair.

-Do it for me, ok?

a few hours later

Sitting in his “consultorio”, waiting and contemplating the diplomas from the wall. A little nervous, knowing i’m here alone (the therapist insisted on that aspect) and knowing that Phillipe already told him on the phone about the other day. Wishing, hoping that he’ll be like Gerard…a father figure who i can relate with…

-Good morning! I understand you’re here for a therapy session? I’m Raimondo R., please call me Ray…

It took my breathe away. He was not only young, but also very good looking. Around 40 years old, brown hair and charming smile…

-Nice to meet you, Ray! I’m Alicia, please call me Ali…

-Ali, that’s so sweet! So, where’s my future patient? he asked making me smile for the first time.

-That would be me…Why did you asked that?

He started analyzing me and i felt like blushing. He laugh and continued with a warm voice.

-Well, i guess i wasn’t prepared…my colleague told me about a patient with severe depression and a recent suicide attempt. Of course, delirium and psychotic behavior. And usually a girl with these diagnostics looks decomposed…Look at you! Perfect business outfit, great looking hair and a fine touch of make up. Unusual…So, tell me Ali, what can i do to help you?

-Can i be honest with you?

-Please…

-I’m here only because my husband insisted. I have my therapist, it’s dr. Gerard L., i feel good and i really don’t wanna waist your time. I’m sure you’re a very competent doctor but i don’t feel like talking about my problems…

He smiled at me revealing a perfect set of white teeth…

-Can i be honest with you, Ali?

-Please…

-I’m here because your husband pays me a small fortune. My colleague said i have to chose between spending an hour with paranoid psycotics patients and you…a rich girl who got upset don’t know why and tried to jump in front of a truck.

-So why did you chose the rich girl?

-You smell better! And i’m hopping for a chance to improve my bank account, if you know what i mean. I don’t really wanna hear about your problems, i didn’t had my breakfast and i’m hungry.

-Me neither! I skipped my breakfast too…i’m starving, Ray!

-Then, please join me…

Till that point i was unsure what to believe…now i was kinda expecting to hear someone yelling: “surprise! you’re on hidden camera!”. Strange enough, i saw him arranging a small table with croissants and something hot.

-I imagine you drink your coffee with plenty of milk. And you adore the vanilla flavor.

I suddenly blushed. He continued.

-Did i shocked you, Ali?

I regained my self control quickly.

-Actually, Ray, i love spiced food, but you know…it depends on who’s cooking…and you don’t seems to be able to offer me more than vanilla…Oh, sorry, Ray…did i shocked you?

The effect of my words was visible. I felt like i’m winning this game, and i was already thinking how i’ll tell all about to my friends…and we’re gonna laugh together…

-Ali, i’m overwhelmed! You don’t seems depressed…look at your appetite and the way you’re flirting…but still…what was all about? Did you really tried to kill yourself yesterday? Your husband (who, by the way, is crazy for you) was desperate…

-Look, i had a moment of madness…i wasn’t depressed, i was afraid. I felt like i’m losing all i have and i wasn’t thinking clear. Did you meet Phillipe?

-Yes. He’s a control freak, the type of dominant man, typical for a bdsm relationship. But you don’t seems submissive…and i guess that’s a big problem.

-Right. I’m trying to act like i’m submissive and i hate every minute. And in intimacy i’m scared, i’m terrified he’s gonna hurt me. God, Ray, what is with these croissants? I never spoke so free…

-I’m honored by your trust. Ali…in a bdsm relationship, being submissive means feeling pleasure from this role, not only accepting, but enjoying it. Other wise, it’s abuse…It’s rape, if you wanna put it this way…

My eyes suddenly filled with tears. Yes, he said the words i was afraid to speak…

-So, Ali…this is a major problem. Feeling abused, raped…i surely understand how you lost control and tried to commit suicide. But the question is how can we keep you alive?

-Feed me with croissants and latte machiatto… i said in an attempt to avoid my own tears.

-Self irony, humor…all are defensive strategies, to protect your ego from self destroying. On a long term, you cannot hide from your pain. Like right now, when you’re trying so hard not to cry. You can be brave now and when you’ll walk away from here you’ll die inside once more…or you can let me help you. Trust me, me and my un-orthodoxe methods…we know about this kind of problems…

I stayed quiet looking inside my soul. The emptiness i felt was overwhelming…

-Ray, do you think it’s alright if i…i mean, don’t wanna cross any boundary and i respect you as a therapist…

With no other words, he was right beside me, taking me in his open arms and holding me. I cried like never before…In the end…all i could say was thank you.

-No, Ali…i thank you! For letting me see behind your defensive walls…if you could see your soul trough my eyes…you would be amazed how strong, brave and beautiful you really are.

Right in this moment, i heard a knock on the door. The hour of therapy was gone, Phillipe was there…He seemed relief that i was still there.

-Doctor, what can you tell me? Is hypnosis the solution?

-To what?

-What do you mean? Didn’t you talked to her?

-Well, that’s up to Alicia. Hypnosis is a good choice only in a strong, trust-based therapeutic relationship. And it takes time to build the trust. Of course, you know this…be sure you’re creating the trust before asking for more.

-I think, doctor, that me and my wife…we share a good trustful relationship.

-I’m sure you feel this way…now you’ll excuse me. See you in a couple of days, Ali.

I smiled at Phillipe…a big happy smile.

-Hey…baby, it really helped you…i love this smile.

-Phillipe, i feel there’s hope. For us…

For me…

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