My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

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Beyond words

“If you’re a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You’re always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if for reasons, what you’re looking for
I’ll be yours…”

(Westlife-“Heart without a home”)

Mark took my hand leading me to the bed…the white sheets seemed to glow in the moonlight. The air was fresh with a flagrance of mosque and lavender, relaxing and exciting the same time. My heart was beating so strong and when my eyes met his gaze i felt lost in the color of the sky. He kissed my fingers and smiled…so reassuring and sweet…i smiled back at him, feeling my pulse racing and my heart so full…

“I have never saw you looking so beautiful…let me look at you…” and he pulled me closer to his body melting away any trace of resistance…my nightgown…the white silk fabric felt on the floor, letting my body exposed in front of him. He looked at me amazed…and i felt like, for the first time, i am revealing myself completely. Overwhelming…i looked down…

“Isabel…please don’t look down…i’m amazed by you…i feel the aching need to make you mine…do you love me…do you wanna make love to me as much as need it?…please tell me…my precious Isabel…”. I nodded, unable to speak…there’s no way…i’m not gonna ruin it with my fears, with my insecurities…So i just pressed my body against his…putting my arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily…my passion unleashed…my heart and my soul exposed…completely and deeply in love…

He took me in his arms laying me on the bed…letting his hands to explore…my body responding like a fine violin under his fingers…under his kisses. I felt like i’m in a warm place with gentle light surrounding me…giving myself to a passion and a desire so long forgotten…fulfilling any unexpressed need and desire…realizing that…there’s no other man…and it will never be another…

I whispered his name and he looked in my eyes with tenderness…i closed my eyes and he kissed me so gentle and so deep…”You’re trembling…My sweet love…don’t be afraid, i’ll never hurt you…we’ll do this slowly and gently…till you’re ready to feel more…open your eyes…there’s no threat…you’re safe here in my arms…”. I opened my eyes, stroking his back, letting him in…

And the gentle light turned into a fire burning inside me…like a volcano waiting to erupt…like fireworks deep inside my body…taking control over me, over my fears, over everything…reaching the intensity of a thunder and overwhelming like a hurricane…but warm and sweet like rainbows after the rain…And i knew without asking…he felt the same…he was there too…for a few minutes that seemed like a sweet eternity…our souls were connected…to a level we cannot begin to understand and explain. Pure pleasure and pure love…

And laying there…still lost in a far away dimension…i felt the warmth of my tears…Tears of joy…tears of wonder…because i never knew how love can be…how making love can raise someone’s heart to a point where there’s no return. “Isabel…what happened…come here, my beauty…my love…please don’t cry…it was…just amazing…you are amazing…”.

Trying hard to tell him how i feel…because words have no place in this endless and pure joy. But i saw his scared look…thinking he might had hurt me and i wanted to bring back the light…

“Mark…i love you so much and tears are…just because…i…never…I never felt this way…all my life searching and you brought me there…to that place…and i never wanna lose you…my life is depending on you and i’m afraid to feel and i’m afraid to say…you’re The One, Mark…My forever…endless love…that’s why…my tears…”.

He smiled and kissed me again, wiping away my tears with a gentleness and love i never experienced…

“My sweet silly Belle…how could you ever lose me? Don’t you know…my heart will stop in the moment you’ll leave me…This world…without you…is just an empty place…a place where’s no light, no joy…nothing to live for…Don’t you know it?”

i nodded…

“I tried so hard to help others, hoping and praying that my emptiness inside will became easier to bare…and all this time it became bigger…And i tried so hard to heal people…physically and spiritually…And you came and you took my heart and heal it…Is the truth…in a second you did what i couldn’t do in a lifetime…you made me feel complete…And i thank God for every smile i see on your beautiful face…Isabel…now you’re smiling…and you’re sweet and amazing and…You’re mine…”

Yes, Mark…I’m yours and i thank God for my chance to love.

In his arms…with him in my heart…chasing away all my fears and all my doubts. Ready…finally ready…to change the world…

To change my¬†world…to heal my heart…to save myself…