An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…

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Pieces of my broken dream

“I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all”

(Phil Collins-“Against All Odds”)

-Let me do this…you know how much i love to feel the touch of your hair…so smooth…like silk…

I smiled at him. Phillipe started brushing my hair with slow moves, touching it like it were something precious. I felt so relaxed and it was a new sensation of being safe.

-I could get used to that…

-You should, sweet princess, cause i’m gonna take care of you…baby…i never felt so much love. You’re so beautiful and you’re all mine…

He stopped for a moment and turned me to face him. He had something in his hands…

-A gift? For me? What is it?

-It’s a reward. For you, for being so sweet and good and acting so responsible. It’s yours, open it.

I took the ribbons off and my heart jumped with joy seeing a beautiful reply of the house from Provence…made of wood. Like a fine piece of jewel.

-It’s beautiful! Thank you, i love this home and now i can carry it with me anywhere i’ll go!

I jumped in his arms, giving him a kiss.

-Baby, i wanna see that spark in your eyes all the time! It’s yours! I know how much you like the house and we share a very precious memory there. And i don’t want you to feel like a guest…you’re my world, my only love…

-Wait a minute! Phillipe…you’re talking about the house…the real house? You wanna give me the real house? But why…i cannot accept it!

He started to laugh.

-Of course is about the real house! And you can keep the little one too, it has a dedication written on the roof. See? “For Alicia, the love of my life, the light of my heart and soul!”.

I felt overwhelmed.

-Phillipe…i…i don’t deserve it…i mean…it’s yours and i…i’m sorry…i can’t…

-Ssssshhhhhsss! Of course you can! It would mean the world to me if you’ll accept my gift. So, whenever we’re going to Provence, we’ll stay at your place…

-I…i don’t know what to say…

He took me in his arms and kissed me, grabbing my chin and looking into my eyes with a feeling of tenderness.

-Well, you don’t have to say anything. Just sign the papers…baby…what’s with the tears?

-Why…after all that happened…

-Because i can and i want! And because i love you, i wanna give you a shelter, a feeling of being safe and it’s the only way i know how…And because you were a good girl…no phone calls, no internet, no going out without my permission…you followed all the rules and i know it’s not easy for you. That’s why! And for renouncing to Second Life…

-I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. If Second Life is a problem…

-Baby…i hate that game! And the though of you being with someone…but you’re starting to forget, right?

-I never tried again…after you deleted my account…

-I know…

-Phillipe…my phone…all my conversations are recorded?

-Yes. And i placed video cameras in the apartment…and your laptop is checked daily. And i hired someone to observe you when you’re out of the house without me. It’s the normal thing to do. Alicia…i’m protecting what’s mine. All i want is for you to forget him…forget Second Life. I want you to do it willingly…but there’s always another way…

I stood quiet in front of him, thinking of a warm place with warm arms wrapped around me…

-Baby, what’s wrong?

-I’m cold…i’m tired and cold…and i can’t fight this feeling. It scares me to feel so cold…

-What do you mean…cold? Your skin is warm, hope you’re not getting sick…

-Phillipe…it’s like i’m in the middle of a dream, a beautiful dream. And then something is breaking and i feel like walking on glass and cutting myself with every step i’m taking. And the pain is cold…unbearable cold.

-Alicia…look at me. Stop talking like this…stop crying. If you’ll follow the rules, like you did so far, maybe i’ll think about giving you more freedom. What do you say, baby? It’s up to you…now be a good girl and sign the papers, this house needs a new owner! Good…this is the way i like it…you, doing what you’re told to do…princess…you makes me very happy!

-Thank you, Phillipe. I’m sorry for being so sensitive…of course i understand and i’ll do whatever it takes…

-Baby, it’s all i need to hear. And Alicia…don’t ever try to lie or to cheat again! Remember who you belong to…

I closed my eyes, still feeling tired and cold. His arms around me…he loves me, he wants to give me his whole life. In return i only have to give away my freedom…it’s not that hard…

But forgetting…it’s just impossible…How could i forget him? My love…the man who made me dream and love and fly without wings…When every step i’m taking, every song, every dance, every place…reminds me of him. Leaving him without even saying good bye…how could i ever forget or forgive myself? Every night i feel like pieces of a broken dream are haunting me and the days…the days are just empty…and there’s no one…absolutely no one who could hold me and love me the way he used to…

Nothing lasts forever

“It’s hard to find forgiveness
When we just turn out the light
It’s hard to say you’re sorry
When you can’t tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So let’s get down to it baby
There ain’t no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes.”

(Bon Jovi-“Till we ain’t strangers anymore”)

-Look at them! How old do you think is she? And look…the way he’s holding her, they should be ashamed to dance like this in front of everybody…

-You mean, in front of you, don’t you, Alicia? And, by the way…she’s 19. The guy has a thing for younger girls…he’s holding her like he’s gonna take her straight to his bed, if you know what i mean.

-God, Phillipe, i can’t take it anymore! Seeing Peter with that girl…i wanna go home! I hate this party…

-You don’t have to leave just because the love of your life is messing around with a 19 years old model. You’re here for Liz…her birthday. Or her engagement party? With the Tony guy…remember, the one that created the catastrophe, right? He was the beginning of the end for you and Peter…

-You’re being so cruel…

-I am cruel? And you’re not, right? I’m holding you in my arms, dancing with you, feeling every beat of your heart and every touch of your skin…and you only look at him. You only talk about him! You’re more with him than you are with me and it hurts…

-I’m sorry, Phillipe…

-What are these? Tears? Not again! Hope you used a water proof mascara this time…you know how messy it can be with all the black running down the cheeks…

Suddenly the music stopped…I saw Tony dressed all elegant, holding Liz’s hand and softly kissing her fingers. She was blushing, her eyes so bright…i never saw her so happy and in love. he took the microphone and began to speak:

-Good evening everyone! Please don’t mind i’m taking you away from the music and dance, but i have something very important to say. Tonight…(he looked at Liz, pulling her closer) the most beautiful woman in the entire world made me the happier man ever! And i just wanna be sure so…(he was kneeling in front of her) Elizabeth…would you do me the honor of marrying me? Would you let me love you till the end of time and would you be the mother of my children? I love you, Lizzy…please say yes…

She said yes with tears of joy in her eyes. Everyone started applauding and saying  congratulations to the happy couple. And if i was having my doubts before, i felt relief…he really seemed in love.

-You realize he’s acting, right?

Phillipe’s whispers in my ear pulled me away from dreaming…

-…no…he’s in love…

-Are you really that naive, Alicia? Did you saw the look on his face while he was speaking? The eyes…focusing on the left…And the little gesture he made with his right hand on his neck? And the pronouncing slightly modified…This guy is lying trough his teeth! If we were on a court room he couldn’t stand a chance…in front of me, of course…

-How can you be so sure? Maybe he was nervous…

-Baby…i never lost a trial. I always win! And you know why? Because i recognize the liars. And i love to play with them till they’re lost in their own lies. And then i smash them with the truth…

-I’m glad you’re on my side!

-You know i always get what i want. And right now your happiness is my goal. So yes, i’m on your side, i said it before…i’ll protect you from yourself and from the bad decisions and from the  self-harming actions of yours. Now i have bad news…that guy, Tony is still very attracted to you…

-That’s jealousy talking! How could he be attracted to me? He didn’t looked at me at all, he was proposing to Liz…Sometimes, Phillipe you’re way of base…

-Ok, don’t believe me! Say i’m way of base? You’ll not only gonna lose your friend Liz…she’ll become your worst enemy and Tony…well, i just hate to see you turned into a victim again…But, as you wish, no more unwanted advices…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…didn’t mean it like this. I know you only mean well…tell me what should i do…

-If you’re willing to listen to me…and do exactly what i tell you…

I said yes, even if in my mind i was convinced he’s wrong. For a strange reason…i was afraid. For me…because lately Phillipe was my only support…for him, because i love his self confidence and i want him to reach his goal of making me happy…

…or for Liz, because she, just like me, still believes in eternal love…I just want this love she’s living to be forever…

…who knows? Maybe it could happened for me too…some day.