How can i love when i’m afraid…

“When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I’ll wait for the light, I’ll wait for the sun”

(Madonna-“Rain”)

Laying in the jacuzzi…letting the hot water running down my body, while his warm hands were massaging my shoulders…i couldn’t remember the last time when i felt so relaxed. The scent of lavender oil combined with the rose petals and a glass of french champagne…I closed my eyes feeling his fingers gently touching the back of my neck…small goose bumps were forming in the warm little spot where my skin met his warm breath and his hungrily kisses…

-I forgot…

With lazy moves he moved his body so his eyes could meet my eyes…

-you forgot?

-almost…

His charming smile and the question in his eyes made him so attractive. He grabbed my chin making me look into his dark eyes…the eyes that always seems to capture my soul. He pulled me closer…

-What did you almost forgot, princess? Anything important?

-My life…before you…Who i was, what i felt…my friends…the family…they are so far away, like in another lifetime. I can’t remember myself without you…

He just smiled and kissed me with passion and hunger…creating shivers trough my body…his hands caressing and exploring…like discovering me all over again…the sensations were making me tremble…abandoning myself to him…to his desire…making love with a passion i always dreamed to live…

Opening my eyes slowly…i felt him carrying me to the bedroom, holding me close…

-How do you feel, my beauty?

-i feel…like i never want this to end…

-…happy?

-more than happy…Phillipe…i feel like meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…

He became serious…like a sudden shadow took his smile away.

-Alicia…i need to know something…do you have any regret about us? If you could turn back time…

-i would change something…the fights, the anger…we should made love instead of fighting…i feel such a fool for not recognizing the true love…But why do you ask me this? And why do you look so sad…mon amour…what’s wrong? Something i did?

He took me in his arms and kissed me.

-It’s about what you said in the morning…about signing a prenuptial agreement…i was so angry with you for proposing me something like that…i didn’t had the chance to explain what i feel…

-Phillipe…i hope you know…i only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…it’s just that my father accused me that i’m marrying you for your money…i was devastated to hear him talking like this. But why do you mention this now? I thought we’re ok…or, are you still angry with me…

-no, baby…i’m not angry…how could i be…is just that i have to tell you something…and it’s serious.

He looked at me and his eyes were so dark and cold…i couldn’t stand that look in his eyes…

-you’re scaring me…again…Phillipe, don’t look at me this way…

He held my face into his hands…making me look at him.

-Look at me. Alicia…I don’t wanna have this conversation with you again. We’re not signing a prenuptial agreement because we don’t need one. We’ll never divorce…i mean it. A marriage is over only when one of the partners is death. Do you understand me? It’s the only way a marriage should end…

I felt like falling down from the clouds. My euphoria replaced by fear…For the first time i started to see what the others were telling me all this time…maybe i don’t know him at all…

He seemed to melt seeing me so scared, trembling and with tears in my eyes. He tried to sweeten his tone.

-Baby…what’s wrong? Didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way…

-it’s just that…i wanna love you, i really do…i wanna make love to you and be faithful to what we have…and i want a family…a child. But how can i go on if i don’t trust you…Phillipe, i’m afraid…sometimes i don’t recognize you…did you listen to yourself talking? Can you even control yourself? Or do you enjoy this? Fear, sadness, hurt…is this the way you want me to feel? Seeing me shocked and frightened…does this satisfy your need to control…? Are you happy now?

-No, of course no…

-Then stop it! Imagine what’s in my heart…i got no friends, my father doesn’t speak to me anymore, i’m tired and sad…and the man i love…the man i should trust…the only one who should be by my side to protect me no matter what…is suggesting me that…that…

I couldn’t speak anymore…the hurt inside silenced me, making me hate my own weakness. When i looked at him i saw in his eyes how sorry he is…i thought i saw him crying. Or i just saw my own tears?

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The Inner Child

“I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.”

(Leonard Cohen-“In my secret life”)

-Maria, this is the best Tiramisu i have ever eaten! The best! Thank you so much! Please, give a big slice to Phillipe, he’s locked away in that office for too long…

-I can’t…Sir said he doesn’t want to be bothered…and he also told me to announce you to be ready in an hour. You know…for the business meeting.

-I will be ready, but…Maria, stop this nonsense with “Sir”. He’s Phillipe, my fiance, not some royal figure! If i call him by his name, you should do that too…because you’re like family to me…sometimes you were the mother i never had…Alright…no more tears! Really, Maria, if you call him “Sir” again, i’ll just ask him to call you “Lady”! Lady Maria…

She started to laugh but suddenly she stopped.

-Alicia, you’re like a child sometimes! And me…talking to you while i still have those dishes…

-Let me help you clean up the kitchen. Come on, Maria! You worked too much today and i’m boring…You sit down and i do the dishes! And you talk to me, that’s an order! Just kidding…about ordering you…i respect you too much to give you orders! Just let me help you! Please, pretty please, pretty pretty please…

She tried to look serious but i could tell she was smiling.

-That’s unacceptable! Sir…i mean your fiance was very clear about this! He doesn’t want you to work in the house. Alicia, if you care about me, just respect his demands. You know i depend on these money…not for me…it’s about my children…you know my situation. Tell me something…

-anything, my dear Maria…

-Why are you like this with him? Defying all the rules, acting against his decisions? Like a child who’s testing the limits…You love him, right? He loves you so much…and his requests are not that hard to respect. In the past, that was the only way for a woman. Respectful and loving…So, why are you like this?

-I don’t know…maybe i’m testing his limits. I love him and i trust him but sometimes…is like i see a different side of him. And it scares me…and i wish i could be sure before the marriage…Believe me, i tried to follow his rules. I can’t! And then i told him that my only rule is this: “I got no rules! Rules are made to be broken!”.

-Ali…i wish you could be serious for a minute. You know i love you like you’re my daughter. First time i saw you…you were 20, a child pretending to be a woman. Now you’re a woman pretending to be a child…

-God…Maria, remind me never to talk to you! How can you say those things? You’re hurting my feelings…

-I’m sorry, Alicia, but you need to listen. You wont survive in this marriage if you don’t change, just a little…You have an incredible man as your future husband, he cares about you, he placed your desires above his. Remember…we’re not equals…God made the woman in a certain form. You should show more obedience, more respect to your fiance. And you really have no reason to fear him…he’s so gentle and tender with you. Unless…you don’t love him…and your behavior is your way out…

I heard the door open and i felt relief to see Phillipe.

-Sir, can i serve you a piece of Tiramisu? Or do you prefer a glass of tonic water? Is just as cold as you always prefer it…

-Thank you, Maria, not now. I’ll call you in a few minutes.

He look at me and smiled.

-Alicia, can we talk in private? In my office…

I followed him and carefully locked the door behind me. He turned and i wrapped my arms around him, giving him my best smile.

-I missed you today…you’re working too much, i’m glad you took a break. Philipe…you’re upset? What have i done now?

-Baby, i’m not upset…it’s just that i don’t like when you’re so familiar with the servants. You seems to forget your place…And you know how i feel about that…is one of my…

-…yes, one of your rules! I know, i know! I broke some rules again! I never learn…and i’ll upset you again and again…cause i just wanna break another one! A big one!

-Let’s hear it! You got that sexy smile, wrapping me around your little finger…

-Well…what about this…i never made love in a lawyer’s office…all these secret files so well placed…just makes me wanna lay down on this table and let you see my wild side…what do you think…

-…i think you just got yourself the right to break every rule you want…as long as you’re doing it this way…Alicia, baby…if you knew how much i love you…

-show me how much…make love to me and make me forget about rules or limits…

But can i ever forget about rules? My inner rules…how many times i broke them already? And how much pain it caused me acting this way? Maybe Maria is right…maybe i am a woman pretending to be a child…still laughing, crying, wondering and gazing at this big wild world…Against all imposed rules!

Nothing lasts forever

“It’s hard to find forgiveness
When we just turn out the light
It’s hard to say you’re sorry
When you can’t tell wrong from right
It would be so easy
To spend your whole damn life
Just keeping score
So let’s get down to it baby
There ain’t no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes.”

(Bon Jovi-“Till we ain’t strangers anymore”)

-Look at them! How old do you think is she? And look…the way he’s holding her, they should be ashamed to dance like this in front of everybody…

-You mean, in front of you, don’t you, Alicia? And, by the way…she’s 19. The guy has a thing for younger girls…he’s holding her like he’s gonna take her straight to his bed, if you know what i mean.

-God, Phillipe, i can’t take it anymore! Seeing Peter with that girl…i wanna go home! I hate this party…

-You don’t have to leave just because the love of your life is messing around with a 19 years old model. You’re here for Liz…her birthday. Or her engagement party? With the Tony guy…remember, the one that created the catastrophe, right? He was the beginning of the end for you and Peter…

-You’re being so cruel…

-I am cruel? And you’re not, right? I’m holding you in my arms, dancing with you, feeling every beat of your heart and every touch of your skin…and you only look at him. You only talk about him! You’re more with him than you are with me and it hurts…

-I’m sorry, Phillipe…

-What are these? Tears? Not again! Hope you used a water proof mascara this time…you know how messy it can be with all the black running down the cheeks…

Suddenly the music stopped…I saw Tony dressed all elegant, holding Liz’s hand and softly kissing her fingers. She was blushing, her eyes so bright…i never saw her so happy and in love. he took the microphone and began to speak:

-Good evening everyone! Please don’t mind i’m taking you away from the music and dance, but i have something very important to say. Tonight…(he looked at Liz, pulling her closer) the most beautiful woman in the entire world made me the happier man ever! And i just wanna be sure so…(he was kneeling in front of her) Elizabeth…would you do me the honor of marrying me? Would you let me love you till the end of time and would you be the mother of my children? I love you, Lizzy…please say yes…

She said yes with tears of joy in her eyes. Everyone started applauding and saying  congratulations to the happy couple. And if i was having my doubts before, i felt relief…he really seemed in love.

-You realize he’s acting, right?

Phillipe’s whispers in my ear pulled me away from dreaming…

-…no…he’s in love…

-Are you really that naive, Alicia? Did you saw the look on his face while he was speaking? The eyes…focusing on the left…And the little gesture he made with his right hand on his neck? And the pronouncing slightly modified…This guy is lying trough his teeth! If we were on a court room he couldn’t stand a chance…in front of me, of course…

-How can you be so sure? Maybe he was nervous…

-Baby…i never lost a trial. I always win! And you know why? Because i recognize the liars. And i love to play with them till they’re lost in their own lies. And then i smash them with the truth…

-I’m glad you’re on my side!

-You know i always get what i want. And right now your happiness is my goal. So yes, i’m on your side, i said it before…i’ll protect you from yourself and from the bad decisions and from the  self-harming actions of yours. Now i have bad news…that guy, Tony is still very attracted to you…

-That’s jealousy talking! How could he be attracted to me? He didn’t looked at me at all, he was proposing to Liz…Sometimes, Phillipe you’re way of base…

-Ok, don’t believe me! Say i’m way of base? You’ll not only gonna lose your friend Liz…she’ll become your worst enemy and Tony…well, i just hate to see you turned into a victim again…But, as you wish, no more unwanted advices…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…didn’t mean it like this. I know you only mean well…tell me what should i do…

-If you’re willing to listen to me…and do exactly what i tell you…

I said yes, even if in my mind i was convinced he’s wrong. For a strange reason…i was afraid. For me…because lately Phillipe was my only support…for him, because i love his self confidence and i want him to reach his goal of making me happy…

…or for Liz, because she, just like me, still believes in eternal love…I just want this love she’s living to be forever…

…who knows? Maybe it could happened for me too…some day.

Give me something for the pain…

“I’m walking down this empty road to nowhere
I pass by the houses and blocks I once knew.

My Mama told me not to mess with sorrow
But I always did, and Lord, I still do
I’m still breaking the rules.”

(Roxette-“Crash!Boom!Bang!”)

-So…it worth it…a little scratch on my knees, a little pain in my head, a few bruises…maybe i should get hit by a car more often! Of course, i won’t be able to do the cat walk for a while, but that’s ok, i resigned anyway…and i had to be brave when that doctor (who, by the way, is behaving like i’m dying or something) decided to torture me by cleaning the wounds without anesthetic…

-I don’t know how can you make fun of this…Aly, my heart stopped when they called me…it was like a nightmare come true. I never felt more scared or lost in my entire life. The thought of loosing you…i swear…i can’t live without you. The doctor said it was a miracle…do you realize that you could be dead and i…

His eyes were filled with tears. I believed him…He was holding my hands like he was afraid that in the minute he will let me go, i’ll vanish. I felt scared too…the image of the car, the sound of the breaks, my own body on the ground and the pain…and than the hospital…they called Peter because i noted his number in case of…i did this when we were together and i forgot to change it…

-Look, Peter, i’m sorry they called you…

-No, don’t be! I love you…i realized how wrong i was, hurting you like this…now all i want is to get you out of this hospital, to take you home and start living the life that you wanna live…You and i, honey…and our house filled with children.Our kids, Aly! I wanna make your dream come true…

-Without the prenuptial agreement? Are you sure?

-I was stupid! An idiot! I tried to hurt you because i was jealous of that lawyer of yours. Phillipe…don’t know where you found this guy…his methods are barely legal. Aly, just forget about him! Come back to me, let me make you happy…

The door was suddenly open. He was standing there looking deeply concerned…

-Phillipe…

-God, Alicia, you gave me quite a scare! Never do that again! Are you alright? The doctors told me about a head trauma…

He came to me and took me in his arms, completely ignoring Peter’s presence…Then, out of the blue, he turned and looked at Peter.

-I don’t think Alicia needs you anymore, so it would be better if you leave now. Your presence here is disturbing her and i need to talk to my client in private. Do you understand? Or do i need to call security to take you out?

-How dare you? Let’s settle this right now…let’s go outside…

I started to feel panicked…and then i saw a file in Phillipe’s hand.

-What’s there? In that file…

-Nothing important, Alicia. Now it’s not the right time to do this, the doctor said you need to rest…

-Show me…i wanna see. It’s for me, right? You said you have something to show me…i remember now, but i had the accident…

-Phillipe, don’t do this! You don’t have to…she don’t need to go trough this right now…

Peter was almost bagging him…

-Give me that!

The file opened and i saw…

People said that the a picture is worth like a million words. It’s true. I saw the truth. They say the truth will set you free…i didn’t felt free. I felt like i’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Pictures of Peter…with another girl. She looked like less then 20…a model from our…no, his agency. And more pictures with more girls. And one picture…Peter and Tess, kissing…Tess…

I felt the whole world spinning around me…and then black, all black. An intense and disturbing noise from some monitor, people talking around me…a distant pain in my arm…a voice telling something about the blood pressure…

I woke up in a white bed with a nurse next to me and a smiling doctor.

-Welcome  back! You had a shock and your blood pressure was extremely high. We stabilized you and we gave you some medication for the pain. You should feel sleepy. You’re staying here over night and i’m sorry but you’re not allowed to have any more visitors. The nurse will keep you company. Do you have any pain now? Is important to tell us if you feel any discomfort.

I thanked them and i said i’m alright. I don’t have any discomfort…

Just a burning pain in my heart. Like a knife cutting me in pieces…Of course, there’s no cure for that…