Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

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Tell me what’s wrong

“I saw myself as a concealed attraction
I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action
Just like a child, stubborn and misconceiving
That’s how I started the show…”

(ABBA-“One of Us”)

I should never ever do something like this…i’m probably going crazy…all the loneliness and sorrow had changed me. But nothing can justify what i’m about to do. Philippe is a stranger…and not the usual type of stranger. He’s mysterious, dark and pretty scary sometimes. All i know is that he’s a lawyer, a damn good one…but that’s not enough. And he knows my dad…but that’s also not enough…He never told me about his connection with Tess…but the way he talk was like he’s a part of that community. Do i really wanna have anything to do with this? No…But i feel a strange attraction every time i’m with him and now it could be the perfect time. I don’t really care right now about any boundaries…But Tess was devastated…Maybe i should just go home before is too late…home..where is home? I thought my home is where my heart belongs…with Peter. And it’s over…and i just wanna forget about everything…with Philippe…

-…yes, Alicia? You pronounced my name…

-oh, nothing. Just thinking about something…and i found myself talking…

-here’s your champagne…a glass of the best french champagne i could find…for the most beautiful girl i ever saw…

-thank you, Philippe…it’s really the best…

-Alicia…you need to relax a little…you look so tense…

-can you hold me? i don’t know why i’m like this…i mean, i’m not afraid of you, just that…i think i need to feel safe and protected…and wanted…i need you, Phillipe…

I must be pathetic offering myself like this to him…but it doesn’t matter anymore…he’ll make me forget…and he’s so attractive…his hands feel so good on my skin…i feel his body close to mine…i can only imagine how it could be to make love to him…he’s starting to kiss my neck…i wonder if he can feel how i’m melting in his arms…my skin is so warm under his touches. Am i ready to do that…the though of being naked in front of him…can i really do this…I don’t know him…oh my God…what am i doing…what if he’ll hurt me…no, he couldn’t do that…the way he’s kissing me…i feel so much desire in his kiss, but it’s like he’s controlling everything…he knows when to stop and when to continue…

-…you’re trembling…Alicia…look at me…are you afraid? I’m not going to hurt you…baby…what’s with these tears in your eyes…

-it’s nothing…i just wanna forget…i wanna make love to you, Phillipe…i’ll be alright…

He looked at me and i saw something in his eyes…it was more than desire…such a beautiful feeling. The feeling i was searching for…in wrong places. Till now…could it be possible?

-i wanna make love to you too…any man must be crazy not to want you…but tonight it’s not about me…and what i want. It’s all about you and what you need…

-yes…Phillipe…i want this…with all my heart…

He smiled and pulled me closer…

-then…let me tell you something…i think i know you better than you know yourself…and tonight you don’t need a lover…you need a friend, a really good one. You’re lonely and scared…he made you feel like you’re not worthy of anybody’s love…but i’m not gonna do the same. I’ll give you time to heal…i’ll hold you every time you need to be hold…i’ll be your friend and i’ll have your heart before having your body…

I started to cry in his arms…

-…what am i going to do…Phillipe…i can’t go back, i can’t see him again…and with you…i ruined everything…

-no, you did nothing wrong…What are you going to do? Well…you’re just gonna learn to live your life. For yourself…not for him. Tomorrow morning he’ll get your resignation…he’ll sign it, i’ll make sure about that. And after that you’ll start to rebuild your life. From zero…if you have to. I’ll be with you all the time. As your lawyer, as your friend…till you’ll be ready for more.

I felt like a baby who’s learning to walk. The night that changed my life…talking to him, walking hand in hand under the starry sky, laughing and crying the same time…

…and starting to live again.