This ain’t a love story…

“Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias
Mis ganas de vivir la vida
Devuelveme el aire…
Carino mio, sin ti yo me siento vacio
Las tardes son un laberinto
Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor…”

(Son by Four-“A puro dolor”)

Belle…love of my life…

Your curse functioned…i lost my peace of mind, my peace of soul..forever…My dreams are haunted by demons and the days…empty…and everything i touch turns into dust…And i have no right…i’m the sinner here…I broke your wings and I convicted both of us to living hell…Baby, if i could turn back time…

Belle…it seemed so easy to lock the door…just turn around and fulfill my dreams…now i wish i had one more chance to say to you: please, never leave me! My heart told me to stop you and i ignored…the “superior” reason won and now i’m lost…Tell me how to convince myself to wake up in the morning, knowing you’re not here beside me…tell me how to forgive myself…

You cursed me to a long life in misery…i’m already there, missing my Sun, my Joy, my Life…missing you with every piece of my broken heart. I’m such a fool…how could i try to save the world when i can’t even defend my love…Forgive me…or ask God for my forgiveness…cause He’s not answering anymore…My Angel…please…ask Him to release me from this cold, empty world…

Mark

I tried to ignore the tremble i felt inside me. Control yourself…words can’t touch you…words can’t harm you anymore…

-What do you say, Alicia…it’s probably a mistake but i wanted to be completely honest with you, so…when i saw the mail…

-Delete it! Phillipe, i’m starving…what’s for dinner?

-Wait…didn’t you read it? He wants you back, he’s regretting the moment when he took the money…my money…

-So what? He’s rich now…he’ll find some comfort…when he’s tired of playing hero…

He came closer and took my face into his hands. Looking deep in my eyes, touching gently my lips…

-Alicia…why are you like this? You think i like it? I know you’re hurting…i know you loved him and maybe you still do…i rather see you crying over him…

-I’ll never cry again! Never! Look…you’re my husband…the man who loves me, who cares for me…the man who’s holding me every night and the man who’s making my dreams come true. I belong to you…this is my place. On the other hand…Mark…who’s Mark?

-No one…

-Exactly! No one…so, my love…can we just forget him and concentrate on much more pleasant things…cause if you’re not taking me to dinner…at least take me to bed…

He carried me to the bedroom and everything seemed normal for a while. Because in my world normality is different from other’s normality…and this makes her precious and rare.

Me…my life…my world…who am I? No one…

Exactly. No one.

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No more illusions…(part two)

“All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

The Montcalm Hotel, London

Don’t feel, just think…don’t ever feel anything…you’re frozen, let your mind do the routine and froze everything else…you’re functioning very well, breathing and living even if he’s gone…no…he doesn’t exist…don’t feel…

The hot water relaxed me enough to be calm…i surprised myself with my inability to cry…And all i kept repeating to myself was that i have no more tears. Looking in the mirror i saw a pale shadow…that’s not me anymore…but i still can make it better…my hair falling free on my shoulders, a trace of perfume, the natural colors on my makeup, wearing nothing but his white shirt and a white underwear…Brave enough to go out of the bathroom and show myself in front of him…

And his smile said more than words…

-So, do you like the suite? I asked them the lavender fragrance and red satin sheets…i also requested wild flowers…

-Is amazing…you did all these things for me…i truly appreciate it…i’m a little hungry but there’s no rush if you wanna talk…

-Your wishes are my commands…butter flavored croissant sounds good? With fresh orange juice…a light french breakfast special made for you…and a red rose…please join me to breakfast…

He took my hand and helped me with the chair…I looked at him and wondered about his feelings…

-Now…how do you feel, Alicia? How do you really feel?

-Guilty, stupid, angry at myself…

-Good…Alicia, you broke my heart…not to mention that you costed me a small fortune…but i guess is alright as long as i found you…Don’t say anything now…i know all there is to know…

I looked down…taking his hand and placing it on my cheek…he lifted my chin and continued talking, looking deep into my eyes…

-You know, baby…i understand you…i can’t accept it…but i understand. You thought you found the love of your life…and you ran away with him. So romantic…but you see…people can be so weak and predictable…all he wanted was to save the orphans from Kenya…i gave him enough money to build a school or a church or…anything else…and he took the money. He sold his soul…just to feel in peace with himself…i’m sorry you’re hurting…

-No, Phillipe, not anymore. Is true…i thought i’m in love but he proved to be an idiot and the Light doesn’t exist…The only truth is that humans are selfish, proud and stupid and i’m no exception…

-Alicia, i can buy anything…anyone. Every person has a price, i’m not talking about money…offer them what they think they need…and it’s over…over with love, faith, morality. Too easy…till i found you…you’re the only one i can’t buy, you don’t need anything i can offer…that’s what’s making you priceless…

-How about you, Phillipe?

-Me…i only want one thing. I want you! Not your body…i want you to love me, to adore me, to obey to me…And i’ll do anything to have you. I’ll pay any price…

-You would lie…black mail me…

-I would lie, cheat, fight, kill…yes…i would use anybody and anything, even that child, Robby…I thought i found out what your price is…a child’s life. But i was wrong…i wont say i’m sorry, cause i’m not…i still want you and i’m still willing to do whatever it takes, except for one thing. I’ll never force you again…never. I’ll never hurt you again…i won’t even touch you if you don’t want it…

All this time i finished my breakfast…his words were passing by and all i could think was that people really sell their souls. Where’s my soul, do i still have one…and suddenly i remembered how Mark said i’ll be rewarded for “my sacrifice”…i remembered that dark cold feeling of hate and i felt it again. When i spoke it wasn’t even my voice…

-You are right. You were right all the time and i was blind. The idiot sold his soul…everybody does it! If i had one, i probably sell it too…but my soul died, along with the Light and Love. There’s nothing above us…God never left me because He was never there…So, take me as i am, cause i’m yours. I give myself for free…no price at all…

-Alicia…i’m impressed…

-But i need your help, i need you to teach me…i need a strong man by my side, someone who could lead me. I’m willing to learn, to obey…just be patient with me. Your rules are my rules now. I am yours and i belong to you as long as you’ll want me. I want one thing in return…

-Anything you wish…is yours!

-While i was gone, a few people disrespected me. Servants…you told me to stay away but in my stupidity i thought they are my friends. I want them to be punished…Maria, Annette…i want you to let me deal with them. I want them out of Monaco with nothing but the clothes they’re wearing. And about Helen…a liar…claiming that her own child is dying…Helen will lose everything, especially her rights over the child. I also want a bank account…of course you’ll be in control…and my legal rights over the company…i’ll let the old fool to be in charge but i want full control and the possibility to take action…And i want my engagement ring back and a new set of clothes. I wanna throw away these old junks and change my style…So…what do you say…is it too much?

He looked at me amazed…and then he took out of his pocket something…he took my hand and placed the black diamond ring on my finger…Then he leaned over, taking my face in his hands and kissed me…a hungrily kiss…devouring desire…and i found myself responding to his kiss, eager to feel his body against mine…

-Baby…if we don’t stop now…i wont control myself anymore…and i wanna give you time, so…

-What do you say, Phillipe…will you do what i asked you…

-There’s only one thing i can say: Welcome back, Princess!…

Don’t feel…don’t ever feel…cause feelings destroyed you once. Don’t ask yourself why you can’t cry anymore…don’t wonder where’s the compassion and love you once felt…This is new to you…is cold and dark and there are no Angels in here…

No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)