To save a single life…

“It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?”

(Black Eyed Peas-“Where is the love?”)

The Wizard took my hand and leaded me to the gates.

-What’s going on…why is my Castle turned to ruins? Who did this? He will be punished! Where are my servants? Where’s the King? I want them all gathered here, around me…we’re gonna rebuild the Kingdom. Where is everybody?! Answer me, Wizard or your head will fall at my feet!

-Princess…there’s no one left…don’t you remember? You slept for a thousand years and we couldn’t find you…the new world arrived and they showed no respect! 

-They will be punished! All of them…till the last one! Wizard…give me the mirror! I wanna be beautiful for the King…My favorite mirror…is broken! Fix it now, Wizard! I can’t see myself!

-Your Highness…the mirror isn’t broken…but shadows has no reflection…

-I’m not a shadow! I’m alive…and i’m in pain. Do something, Wizard, the fire is burning me alive! I wanna see the King! Where’s the King? Philippe…

-Baby, i’m here! Alicia…open your eyes, you were calling my name! Sweetie…you look so tormented…like you had been seeing a ghost…

-You’re here…please hold me tight…i had a terrible nightmare…i was a Princess, but i was just a shadow and fire was burning me…and you weren’t there…

-My love…you truly are a princess in my heart and in my eyes…My Princess…relax, it was only a dream…i guess that returning home was hard for you…and you still heaven’t told no one that you’re here…

-Is still early…seven in the morning…why aren’t you in bed?

-I wanted to surprise you in the morning…i opened an account on your name…with enough money to buy yourself a small castle…

-Thank you, Phillipe…mon amour…my castle is in your arms…i don’t need another one…but thank you for making my dreams come true…

-and i also took care of the trash called Annette…she’ll never work in Monaco again…The clothes you gave her…expensive ones…i took the liberty to wrote her an email…all the dresses will be taken and donated to the shelter for abused woman…if you agree, of course…

-You are amazing! Thank you for being so generous…what about the money i gave for her mother…for the surgery…

-Well, i checked and the story is true…i though about stopping the payment…wait…the trash wrote a response to my mail…

-Let me see…please…

-No, Alicia…she’s not worthy…

-Don’t worry…i’m not gonna fall…you’re here with me and i feel strong so…

“Alicia, i know you’re behind all this…be careful. You’ll never know when and where something terrible will happen to you…cause it will! I’ll never stop haunting you, bitch…And the day of my revenge will come sooner than you expect it. By the way…you don’t know who you’re married with…” Annette

Phillipe almost smashed the phone on the ground. He looked so angry and hateful…i could see it in his eyes, the dark and cold feeling. A feeling i recently knew myself…

-That’s it! I’m stopping the payment and the old witch can die…this is a limit she wasn’t allowed to cross…never!

-No…mon amour, Phillipe…i helped her mother because she’s helpless…i don’t want her to die because of me. Just send her the money she needs for the surgery and after that…she’s on her own…

His voice sounded harsh and cruel.

-Baby…she’s going to pay for treating you like this…If her mother is gonna die…is because of the daughter she raised…not because of you! Now i don’t wanna hear another word…you promised to do what i’m telling you to do…go back to sleep. I’ll make sure that the trash will feel on her own skin how is it when something terrible is happening…Go back to bed, Alicia, i’ll be with you in five minutes.

I closed my eyes but there was no trace of sleep…What’s wrong with me? Someone’s hurting in a hospital bed…i could save a life and i’m just laying here looking at the ceiling. I wish i could cry…

-Alright…come here in my arms…you’re so cold, let me warm your feet…

-Phillipe, i…i’m sorry…i wanna be respectful and i really wanna show you the obedience you want…and…please, don’t get me wrong…

-What did I told you? No word about the subject! I am not going to change my mind…and don’t even think about using your bank account…

-no…i didn’t thought about…Phillipe…no…i’m really sorry…i’ll do whatever you tell me to do…

He looked surprised and a little amused. And then i saw a spark in his eyes as he started to kiss the back of my neck, undressing me slowly with his hands.

-Look princess…since you were so sweet and good these days…maybe i’ll think about rewarding you…Yes…you just drive me crazy with your big brown eyes, looking so helpless and willing to please me…and when i feel you trembling in my arms…well…how could i deny you anything…so…you wanna save the old witch’s life…

-yes…

-show me how much…and if i’m satisfied…

-i’ll do anything for you…thank you so much, Phillipe…

And something was crystal clear to me: saving the whole world is worthless if during the process you’re losing a soul…a single life may be more important than the whole Universe…

And…oh…is so easy to talk about loving God…and so hard to love his human creations…

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The Inner Child

“I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.”

(Leonard Cohen-“In my secret life”)

-Maria, this is the best Tiramisu i have ever eaten! The best! Thank you so much! Please, give a big slice to Phillipe, he’s locked away in that office for too long…

-I can’t…Sir said he doesn’t want to be bothered…and he also told me to announce you to be ready in an hour. You know…for the business meeting.

-I will be ready, but…Maria, stop this nonsense with “Sir”. He’s Phillipe, my fiance, not some royal figure! If i call him by his name, you should do that too…because you’re like family to me…sometimes you were the mother i never had…Alright…no more tears! Really, Maria, if you call him “Sir” again, i’ll just ask him to call you “Lady”! Lady Maria…

She started to laugh but suddenly she stopped.

-Alicia, you’re like a child sometimes! And me…talking to you while i still have those dishes…

-Let me help you clean up the kitchen. Come on, Maria! You worked too much today and i’m boring…You sit down and i do the dishes! And you talk to me, that’s an order! Just kidding…about ordering you…i respect you too much to give you orders! Just let me help you! Please, pretty please, pretty pretty please…

She tried to look serious but i could tell she was smiling.

-That’s unacceptable! Sir…i mean your fiance was very clear about this! He doesn’t want you to work in the house. Alicia, if you care about me, just respect his demands. You know i depend on these money…not for me…it’s about my children…you know my situation. Tell me something…

-anything, my dear Maria…

-Why are you like this with him? Defying all the rules, acting against his decisions? Like a child who’s testing the limits…You love him, right? He loves you so much…and his requests are not that hard to respect. In the past, that was the only way for a woman. Respectful and loving…So, why are you like this?

-I don’t know…maybe i’m testing his limits. I love him and i trust him but sometimes…is like i see a different side of him. And it scares me…and i wish i could be sure before the marriage…Believe me, i tried to follow his rules. I can’t! And then i told him that my only rule is this: “I got no rules! Rules are made to be broken!”.

-Ali…i wish you could be serious for a minute. You know i love you like you’re my daughter. First time i saw you…you were 20, a child pretending to be a woman. Now you’re a woman pretending to be a child…

-God…Maria, remind me never to talk to you! How can you say those things? You’re hurting my feelings…

-I’m sorry, Alicia, but you need to listen. You wont survive in this marriage if you don’t change, just a little…You have an incredible man as your future husband, he cares about you, he placed your desires above his. Remember…we’re not equals…God made the woman in a certain form. You should show more obedience, more respect to your fiance. And you really have no reason to fear him…he’s so gentle and tender with you. Unless…you don’t love him…and your behavior is your way out…

I heard the door open and i felt relief to see Phillipe.

-Sir, can i serve you a piece of Tiramisu? Or do you prefer a glass of tonic water? Is just as cold as you always prefer it…

-Thank you, Maria, not now. I’ll call you in a few minutes.

He look at me and smiled.

-Alicia, can we talk in private? In my office…

I followed him and carefully locked the door behind me. He turned and i wrapped my arms around him, giving him my best smile.

-I missed you today…you’re working too much, i’m glad you took a break. Philipe…you’re upset? What have i done now?

-Baby, i’m not upset…it’s just that i don’t like when you’re so familiar with the servants. You seems to forget your place…And you know how i feel about that…is one of my…

-…yes, one of your rules! I know, i know! I broke some rules again! I never learn…and i’ll upset you again and again…cause i just wanna break another one! A big one!

-Let’s hear it! You got that sexy smile, wrapping me around your little finger…

-Well…what about this…i never made love in a lawyer’s office…all these secret files so well placed…just makes me wanna lay down on this table and let you see my wild side…what do you think…

-…i think you just got yourself the right to break every rule you want…as long as you’re doing it this way…Alicia, baby…if you knew how much i love you…

-show me how much…make love to me and make me forget about rules or limits…

But can i ever forget about rules? My inner rules…how many times i broke them already? And how much pain it caused me acting this way? Maybe Maria is right…maybe i am a woman pretending to be a child…still laughing, crying, wondering and gazing at this big wild world…Against all imposed rules!

We had it all…

“Losing my mind
From this hollow in my heart
Suddenly I’m so incomplete
Lord I’m needing you now
Tell me how to stop the rain
Tears are falling down endlessly…”

(Mariah Carey-“Love takes time”)

Standing alone in the middle of the crowd…waiting and thinking. Phillipe said he’ll be back in 10 minutes because he needed to talk to a client. A part of me was almost in the verge of telling him “please don’t go, don’t leave me alone…” but i stopped just in time to save my dignity. All these people seems so happy, so in love, the romantic music and the warm athmosphere really bring the best in them. And Peter with that girl…

-Aly…is someone here who insisted so much to meet you that i had no chance to say no. She’s Estelle, our bright star from the summer campain. And your biggest fan, my dear Aly…

-Nice to meet you, Alicia. I admire you so much, it’s an honor to finaly talk to you.

For a moment i thought i’m in a paralel universe. There were Peter and the girl (i mean Estelle) holding hands. She was beautiful, angelic look with big baby blue eyes and an inocent smile. I finaly got my voice back:

-Nice to meet you too, Estelle. And thank you for your kind words, but i think Peter deserve all the credit for our latest project. So, did you enjoied the party?

She tried to say something but Peter grabbed her by the arm and pushed her gently toward the door.

-Sweety, go wait in the car. I have something very private to talk to Aly. Now be a good girl and go to the car.

She left quietly, under my shocked eyes…

-Why did you treated her like this? You were so impolite…And she just obeids you, like that…

-Yes, Aly, she’s like a little good puppy. She does everything i tell her to do and know what? i’m loving this in a woman…i may give her a big hard price tonight.

-You drinked? My God, Peter…you promissed me…

-Honey…we both broked all the promisses. Yes i’m drunk and you’re coming with me…

-No, i’m not…

-Yes, you are…you’re so afraid of embarassing your new boyfriend in front of his client…so be quiet and he wont know…

He was right, i was afraid of Phillipe’s reaction. Before i could think further, i found myself alone with him in a room…didn’t even knew there’s a room so closed to restaurant…

-You are disgusting…don’t know how you can live with yourself. I can’t stand that smell of alcohol and that look in your eyes…

-but you like my hands on your body, don’t you, Aly? come on…one last time…i’m not that drunk!

He pushed me by the wall and started to kiss my neck while his hands were untidening my dress. Feeling so helpless against his body, i saw flashes in my mind. From the past…from the near future. A new found feeling od shame and fear…I started to cry so desperate, almost running out of air…

He stopped for a moment and looked deep in my eyes…

-Looks like you don’t love me anymore, Aly…let me tell you something…i slept with half of the woman from the party, Liz included…Yes, don’t look so shocked…she’s lame in bed…Anyway, you are the best…now i wanna have you one last time and then you can go do whatever you want with him.

-Peter, you’re drunk! You know what drinking does to you… Just let me go, you’re hurting me…

-He’s better than me? Tell  me, Aly…i wont let you go this time…you’re acting so scared and hurting but we both know you like it…

I heard someone forcing the door to open…shoutings and Phillipe’s voice. The time seemed to stop while he was pulling Peter from me and than the sounds of fighting. I closed my eyes and collapse into Phillipe’s arms.

A few hours later, in Phillipe’s appartment…

-Here’s a chamomilla tea…it will help you relax a little. You cried so much, i think you have fever…let me hold you, you’re trembling. Say something, baby, i’m worried sick for you now. Can i get you something?

-…no, don’t go…promise me you wont leave me alone…

-i’m here, my love…Alicia…he will pay, i promise you this. For every tear he caused…i’ll make sure he’ll lose it all.

-Phillipe…how can a man do that? any man…how low should a person feel to abuse someone this way…i feel so empty…like in the place where i felt love now is just empty and fear…how will i ever go on feeling like this?

-i dont have an answer…i know for sure that love has nothing to do with this…i can promise you i’ll spend every moment from now on loving you, making you feel how good it is to feel loved and protected…

-you love me? you really do…?

-I love you…now try to sleep, i’ll be right here holding you all night long. My love…

And even if in the darkness of the night i was feeling lost, i knew all the time, deep inside my heart, that it will be light. And right in that moment my old wounds were starting to heal.