Would you love me?

“If you could see me now would you recognize me?
Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
Put your hand on a heart that was cold
As the day you were taken away?”

(The Script-“Oh if you could see me now”)

His warm embrace was all i needed…i used to feel this way for so many people…My friends…i used to call them “my friends” and i used to fool myself that they care…till that moment in my life when i turned my back and they did the same.

-Ali…let me take a good look at you! Still looking perfect, but something is different. Last time i saw you…i saw sadness, fear in your eyes and now…i see anger and…

-…and the feeling that i don’t care anymore. I don’t care about others, i don’t care about myself…or about love, faith, good…This is what you see, isn’t it, Ray?

-Your honesty is impressive but i have to tell you something. Ali…this feeling wont last forever. It’s only produced by pain…I’m so glad you made this appointment…i wanna help you, of course, if this is what you’re looking for…

-First of all, Ray…thank you! For clarifying things with The Police and for talking to Phillipe…our relationship changed a lot thanks to you. He understood what i felt during our first months of marriage and now we’re both trying to know each other and to fulfill each other’s expectation…Now…the reason i’m here…

-Yes…tell me what can i do for you…

-You could be a part…an important part of my project…I wanna help people by opening a Health Center…for those less fortunate. It will be small at first…and you might be working with poor abused woman and children…but i’ll do my best to give you a decent paycheck every month…

-Ali…

-Before saying no…Ray, i really need you! You are the best psychiatrist and the most talented therapist i ever knew. I can’t offer you the money you deserve, but you’re gonna be rewarded…i promise you…And i wanna talk to Gerard…and for the reserch department i think we can count on Henri…you know them, right? Please, Ray…don’t say no yet…think about…

-I wasn’t saying no…actually, i love your enthusiasm and i share it…and i would help you no matter how much you’re paying. Yes…i will, don’t look so surprised…One question…Why? Why do you complicate your life by helping abused woman and children? You could easily open a center for rich families, to provide them health care…

I kept the silence for a few moments, just to decide how much i can say…and then my heart and soul just opened in front of him.

-Because i know about every single form of abuse…from being neglected as a child and being raped as an adult…From losing my mother and losing the love of my life…from being confronted with a dominant husband and being sold by the only guy i ever trusted…from trying to kill myself and being saved by a man who dreams to call him “sir” in intimacy…by the way, i’ll never call him that way…Ray, i know everything about pain and hurt…because i experienced it too much. I’m an empty shell now…sometimes i wish i could drown myself in tears and i can’t cry anymore. And…you know what? I don’t care about myself anymore! But i care about them…about the ones who, just like myself, don’t give a damn about themselves. Do i make any sense?

He just stood there, looking deep in my eyes. I thought i saw the trace of a tear but he just looked at the ground. Then, suddenly his arms opened for me and i found myself in his arms, feeling safe and warm.

-I will help you…you will care about yourself again, you will cry again…you will feel again…Ali…even if it takes a lifetime…I’m overwhelmed now but i know for sure that i wanna be a part of your project…and a part of your life…

-Thank you, Ray…

-I have a gift for you, it was hard but i finally found it…

He took out of his pocket a small picture,  taken from a newspaper…a beautiful woman who’s eyes were my eyes…who’s hair was my hair…who’s smile reminded me of those times when i still smiled…My knees got weaker and Ray came closer to support me…

-This is…how did you…i never…

-I had to dig a lot…yes, Ali…this is your mother…look at the sparks in her eyes…Ali, you were deprived from the most precious memory a girl should have…the picture of her mother…You lost her twice…first…life took her away from you when you were just a child and second…your father decided to erase her from your mind. I can’t go back in time…but at least i can help you recover some of your memories…

I think i told him “please hold me”…and he did…Flashes came back in my mind…a lullaby, a prayer…her soft voice and a song…a warm sensation of being tucked every night…and then the loneliness of an empty room…with no toys…no pictures…no…her…a little girl crying for her mommy…and a new room filled with expensive toys, a therapist saying to my father that i have to forget in order to survive…

-Ali…breath…you’re about to pass out…

Mom…if you could see me now…would you hold me one more time? Would you forgive me for all the mistakes i made? Would you care for me even if i’m death inside? Please love me…even if i lost my way…

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No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)

When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

Give me something for the pain…

“I’m walking down this empty road to nowhere
I pass by the houses and blocks I once knew.

My Mama told me not to mess with sorrow
But I always did, and Lord, I still do
I’m still breaking the rules.”

(Roxette-“Crash!Boom!Bang!”)

-So…it worth it…a little scratch on my knees, a little pain in my head, a few bruises…maybe i should get hit by a car more often! Of course, i won’t be able to do the cat walk for a while, but that’s ok, i resigned anyway…and i had to be brave when that doctor (who, by the way, is behaving like i’m dying or something) decided to torture me by cleaning the wounds without anesthetic…

-I don’t know how can you make fun of this…Aly, my heart stopped when they called me…it was like a nightmare come true. I never felt more scared or lost in my entire life. The thought of loosing you…i swear…i can’t live without you. The doctor said it was a miracle…do you realize that you could be dead and i…

His eyes were filled with tears. I believed him…He was holding my hands like he was afraid that in the minute he will let me go, i’ll vanish. I felt scared too…the image of the car, the sound of the breaks, my own body on the ground and the pain…and than the hospital…they called Peter because i noted his number in case of…i did this when we were together and i forgot to change it…

-Look, Peter, i’m sorry they called you…

-No, don’t be! I love you…i realized how wrong i was, hurting you like this…now all i want is to get you out of this hospital, to take you home and start living the life that you wanna live…You and i, honey…and our house filled with children.Our kids, Aly! I wanna make your dream come true…

-Without the prenuptial agreement? Are you sure?

-I was stupid! An idiot! I tried to hurt you because i was jealous of that lawyer of yours. Phillipe…don’t know where you found this guy…his methods are barely legal. Aly, just forget about him! Come back to me, let me make you happy…

The door was suddenly open. He was standing there looking deeply concerned…

-Phillipe…

-God, Alicia, you gave me quite a scare! Never do that again! Are you alright? The doctors told me about a head trauma…

He came to me and took me in his arms, completely ignoring Peter’s presence…Then, out of the blue, he turned and looked at Peter.

-I don’t think Alicia needs you anymore, so it would be better if you leave now. Your presence here is disturbing her and i need to talk to my client in private. Do you understand? Or do i need to call security to take you out?

-How dare you? Let’s settle this right now…let’s go outside…

I started to feel panicked…and then i saw a file in Phillipe’s hand.

-What’s there? In that file…

-Nothing important, Alicia. Now it’s not the right time to do this, the doctor said you need to rest…

-Show me…i wanna see. It’s for me, right? You said you have something to show me…i remember now, but i had the accident…

-Phillipe, don’t do this! You don’t have to…she don’t need to go trough this right now…

Peter was almost bagging him…

-Give me that!

The file opened and i saw…

People said that the a picture is worth like a million words. It’s true. I saw the truth. They say the truth will set you free…i didn’t felt free. I felt like i’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Pictures of Peter…with another girl. She looked like less then 20…a model from our…no, his agency. And more pictures with more girls. And one picture…Peter and Tess, kissing…Tess…

I felt the whole world spinning around me…and then black, all black. An intense and disturbing noise from some monitor, people talking around me…a distant pain in my arm…a voice telling something about the blood pressure…

I woke up in a white bed with a nurse next to me and a smiling doctor.

-Welcome  back! You had a shock and your blood pressure was extremely high. We stabilized you and we gave you some medication for the pain. You should feel sleepy. You’re staying here over night and i’m sorry but you’re not allowed to have any more visitors. The nurse will keep you company. Do you have any pain now? Is important to tell us if you feel any discomfort.

I thanked them and i said i’m alright. I don’t have any discomfort…

Just a burning pain in my heart. Like a knife cutting me in pieces…Of course, there’s no cure for that…