Vanilla flavored

“I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out
How I can move from the back of the line”

(Emeli Sande-“Clown”)

-So…what did you thought when you saw my gift box with the pink ribbon? What did you imagined inside of it?

Phillipe started to laugh and i could tell from the look in his eyes that he’s happy, relaxed…it felt so good knowing i can make him feel like this, i really can bring these sparks in his eyes…

-Baby…the pink ribbon it’s one thing, but the scent of vanilla is the key here…the box has a strong vanilla flavor…so, i thought…

-Tell me…

-…a cookie, a teddy bear, even a pink underwear, for you to wear, of course…But, not in a million years…of course, i should never forget how surprising you are…Alicia…

I saw a shadow in his eyes and i put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It felt amazing…having him so close to me made me realize how much i want him in my life…forever…

He continued with a tempered tone, like being afraid to say the words.

-Baby, please listen to me…it was amazing…it felt like a dream come true, like fulfilling a need i almost forgot i have. I felt powerful, i felt honored by your trust in me, i felt excited like never before…but i can’t stop asking myself…you did it only for me? You felt somehow constrained, like it is your duty? Because i don’t want you to feel this way…

-Phillipe, i’m going to be very opened about this, to be honest…when i bought the handcuffs i did it only to look at them…i never thought i’ll be brave enough or that i’ll trust you enough…Mon amour, for me it was a shock to find out that the man i’m married with…wishes something different in intimacy, something like bdsm…i felt betrayed, scared, lied, abused…

His eyes were expressing so much regret, it almost melted me inside to see him so sad.

-Alicia, princess…my biggest regret is that i wasn’t honest with you from the start. I should had done it…you needed your freedom to choose. Now i know…

-Hey…don’t be so harsh to yourself…no…you never told me but there were so many signs…i just refused to admit to myself. Or maybe i just dreamed about changing you…it was unfair to you. So, you’re Dominant…so what? I still love you, i still wanna be with you for the rest of my life. The pink handcuffs…i guess they were my way of telling you that i wanna make you happy. That i trust you with my life…i trust you blindly and that i respect your decisions…I’m only afraid…

I stopped for a moment. He took me in his arms, keeping me warm with his body.

-Princess…what are you afraid of? You think i could hurt you…

-I’m afraid i’ll let you down…you see, mon amour…i wanna make you happy, but regardless of how hard i’m trying, i can’t be submissive…is not about intimacy…is about every day…Deep inside of me, there’s a rebel trying to escape…i can’t lock this side of me forever. And i admit…i’m terribly afraid of pain…

-Baby…causing you pain it’s out of discussion…i love every inch of your body…i only want you to feel pleasure from being touched by me…Alicia…how could you think of something like this…no wonder you were so scared every time…

-and i’ll never call you Sir! I can’t, Phillipe…i look at you and i see my lifetime partner, my man, my love…not my master…

-I look at you and i see my princess…the most beautiful woman in the whole world, the love of my life, the mother of my future children…not my sub. See? We’re not that different…And tonight you showed me all i needed to see…why would i ever ask you to call me Sir? And how could I? When i worship the ground you’re stepping on…

I felt my heart filled with a new feeling…hope…trust…He looked in my eyes and started kissing my neck. His eyes were playful.

-So…there’s a rebel who’s trying to escape…a beautiful sexy rebel…you know what i do with them, don’t you?

-Don’t know…throw them to the fire?

-Of course, we can start a fire…if i’ll kiss you here…and then move my attention to this little spot…But when i’m that lucky…to have a rebellious princess in my arms…i usually start by seducing her and then…we’re gonna make love…did i ever told you that…the scent of vanilla drives me wild…pure passion in her sweetest form…

And here’s an option i never took in consideration: having a happy marriage…I was used to fight, used to escape, even if it was in a virtual world once…but i never even thought that I could be happy. I never gave him a single chance, i never gave myself a single chance. Programmed for failure…sett to identify an aggressor in every person who ever got near me…when maybe the real enemy was living deep inside my own mind… 

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To save a single life…

“It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace are so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?”

(Black Eyed Peas-“Where is the love?”)

The Wizard took my hand and leaded me to the gates.

-What’s going on…why is my Castle turned to ruins? Who did this? He will be punished! Where are my servants? Where’s the King? I want them all gathered here, around me…we’re gonna rebuild the Kingdom. Where is everybody?! Answer me, Wizard or your head will fall at my feet!

-Princess…there’s no one left…don’t you remember? You slept for a thousand years and we couldn’t find you…the new world arrived and they showed no respect! 

-They will be punished! All of them…till the last one! Wizard…give me the mirror! I wanna be beautiful for the King…My favorite mirror…is broken! Fix it now, Wizard! I can’t see myself!

-Your Highness…the mirror isn’t broken…but shadows has no reflection…

-I’m not a shadow! I’m alive…and i’m in pain. Do something, Wizard, the fire is burning me alive! I wanna see the King! Where’s the King? Philippe…

-Baby, i’m here! Alicia…open your eyes, you were calling my name! Sweetie…you look so tormented…like you had been seeing a ghost…

-You’re here…please hold me tight…i had a terrible nightmare…i was a Princess, but i was just a shadow and fire was burning me…and you weren’t there…

-My love…you truly are a princess in my heart and in my eyes…My Princess…relax, it was only a dream…i guess that returning home was hard for you…and you still heaven’t told no one that you’re here…

-Is still early…seven in the morning…why aren’t you in bed?

-I wanted to surprise you in the morning…i opened an account on your name…with enough money to buy yourself a small castle…

-Thank you, Phillipe…mon amour…my castle is in your arms…i don’t need another one…but thank you for making my dreams come true…

-and i also took care of the trash called Annette…she’ll never work in Monaco again…The clothes you gave her…expensive ones…i took the liberty to wrote her an email…all the dresses will be taken and donated to the shelter for abused woman…if you agree, of course…

-You are amazing! Thank you for being so generous…what about the money i gave for her mother…for the surgery…

-Well, i checked and the story is true…i though about stopping the payment…wait…the trash wrote a response to my mail…

-Let me see…please…

-No, Alicia…she’s not worthy…

-Don’t worry…i’m not gonna fall…you’re here with me and i feel strong so…

“Alicia, i know you’re behind all this…be careful. You’ll never know when and where something terrible will happen to you…cause it will! I’ll never stop haunting you, bitch…And the day of my revenge will come sooner than you expect it. By the way…you don’t know who you’re married with…” Annette

Phillipe almost smashed the phone on the ground. He looked so angry and hateful…i could see it in his eyes, the dark and cold feeling. A feeling i recently knew myself…

-That’s it! I’m stopping the payment and the old witch can die…this is a limit she wasn’t allowed to cross…never!

-No…mon amour, Phillipe…i helped her mother because she’s helpless…i don’t want her to die because of me. Just send her the money she needs for the surgery and after that…she’s on her own…

His voice sounded harsh and cruel.

-Baby…she’s going to pay for treating you like this…If her mother is gonna die…is because of the daughter she raised…not because of you! Now i don’t wanna hear another word…you promised to do what i’m telling you to do…go back to sleep. I’ll make sure that the trash will feel on her own skin how is it when something terrible is happening…Go back to bed, Alicia, i’ll be with you in five minutes.

I closed my eyes but there was no trace of sleep…What’s wrong with me? Someone’s hurting in a hospital bed…i could save a life and i’m just laying here looking at the ceiling. I wish i could cry…

-Alright…come here in my arms…you’re so cold, let me warm your feet…

-Phillipe, i…i’m sorry…i wanna be respectful and i really wanna show you the obedience you want…and…please, don’t get me wrong…

-What did I told you? No word about the subject! I am not going to change my mind…and don’t even think about using your bank account…

-no…i didn’t thought about…Phillipe…no…i’m really sorry…i’ll do whatever you tell me to do…

He looked surprised and a little amused. And then i saw a spark in his eyes as he started to kiss the back of my neck, undressing me slowly with his hands.

-Look princess…since you were so sweet and good these days…maybe i’ll think about rewarding you…Yes…you just drive me crazy with your big brown eyes, looking so helpless and willing to please me…and when i feel you trembling in my arms…well…how could i deny you anything…so…you wanna save the old witch’s life…

-yes…

-show me how much…and if i’m satisfied…

-i’ll do anything for you…thank you so much, Phillipe…

And something was crystal clear to me: saving the whole world is worthless if during the process you’re losing a soul…a single life may be more important than the whole Universe…

And…oh…is so easy to talk about loving God…and so hard to love his human creations…

No more illusions…(part two)

“All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

The Montcalm Hotel, London

Don’t feel, just think…don’t ever feel anything…you’re frozen, let your mind do the routine and froze everything else…you’re functioning very well, breathing and living even if he’s gone…no…he doesn’t exist…don’t feel…

The hot water relaxed me enough to be calm…i surprised myself with my inability to cry…And all i kept repeating to myself was that i have no more tears. Looking in the mirror i saw a pale shadow…that’s not me anymore…but i still can make it better…my hair falling free on my shoulders, a trace of perfume, the natural colors on my makeup, wearing nothing but his white shirt and a white underwear…Brave enough to go out of the bathroom and show myself in front of him…

And his smile said more than words…

-So, do you like the suite? I asked them the lavender fragrance and red satin sheets…i also requested wild flowers…

-Is amazing…you did all these things for me…i truly appreciate it…i’m a little hungry but there’s no rush if you wanna talk…

-Your wishes are my commands…butter flavored croissant sounds good? With fresh orange juice…a light french breakfast special made for you…and a red rose…please join me to breakfast…

He took my hand and helped me with the chair…I looked at him and wondered about his feelings…

-Now…how do you feel, Alicia? How do you really feel?

-Guilty, stupid, angry at myself…

-Good…Alicia, you broke my heart…not to mention that you costed me a small fortune…but i guess is alright as long as i found you…Don’t say anything now…i know all there is to know…

I looked down…taking his hand and placing it on my cheek…he lifted my chin and continued talking, looking deep into my eyes…

-You know, baby…i understand you…i can’t accept it…but i understand. You thought you found the love of your life…and you ran away with him. So romantic…but you see…people can be so weak and predictable…all he wanted was to save the orphans from Kenya…i gave him enough money to build a school or a church or…anything else…and he took the money. He sold his soul…just to feel in peace with himself…i’m sorry you’re hurting…

-No, Phillipe, not anymore. Is true…i thought i’m in love but he proved to be an idiot and the Light doesn’t exist…The only truth is that humans are selfish, proud and stupid and i’m no exception…

-Alicia, i can buy anything…anyone. Every person has a price, i’m not talking about money…offer them what they think they need…and it’s over…over with love, faith, morality. Too easy…till i found you…you’re the only one i can’t buy, you don’t need anything i can offer…that’s what’s making you priceless…

-How about you, Phillipe?

-Me…i only want one thing. I want you! Not your body…i want you to love me, to adore me, to obey to me…And i’ll do anything to have you. I’ll pay any price…

-You would lie…black mail me…

-I would lie, cheat, fight, kill…yes…i would use anybody and anything, even that child, Robby…I thought i found out what your price is…a child’s life. But i was wrong…i wont say i’m sorry, cause i’m not…i still want you and i’m still willing to do whatever it takes, except for one thing. I’ll never force you again…never. I’ll never hurt you again…i won’t even touch you if you don’t want it…

All this time i finished my breakfast…his words were passing by and all i could think was that people really sell their souls. Where’s my soul, do i still have one…and suddenly i remembered how Mark said i’ll be rewarded for “my sacrifice”…i remembered that dark cold feeling of hate and i felt it again. When i spoke it wasn’t even my voice…

-You are right. You were right all the time and i was blind. The idiot sold his soul…everybody does it! If i had one, i probably sell it too…but my soul died, along with the Light and Love. There’s nothing above us…God never left me because He was never there…So, take me as i am, cause i’m yours. I give myself for free…no price at all…

-Alicia…i’m impressed…

-But i need your help, i need you to teach me…i need a strong man by my side, someone who could lead me. I’m willing to learn, to obey…just be patient with me. Your rules are my rules now. I am yours and i belong to you as long as you’ll want me. I want one thing in return…

-Anything you wish…is yours!

-While i was gone, a few people disrespected me. Servants…you told me to stay away but in my stupidity i thought they are my friends. I want them to be punished…Maria, Annette…i want you to let me deal with them. I want them out of Monaco with nothing but the clothes they’re wearing. And about Helen…a liar…claiming that her own child is dying…Helen will lose everything, especially her rights over the child. I also want a bank account…of course you’ll be in control…and my legal rights over the company…i’ll let the old fool to be in charge but i want full control and the possibility to take action…And i want my engagement ring back and a new set of clothes. I wanna throw away these old junks and change my style…So…what do you say…is it too much?

He looked at me amazed…and then he took out of his pocket something…he took my hand and placed the black diamond ring on my finger…Then he leaned over, taking my face in his hands and kissed me…a hungrily kiss…devouring desire…and i found myself responding to his kiss, eager to feel his body against mine…

-Baby…if we don’t stop now…i wont control myself anymore…and i wanna give you time, so…

-What do you say, Phillipe…will you do what i asked you…

-There’s only one thing i can say: Welcome back, Princess!…

Don’t feel…don’t ever feel…cause feelings destroyed you once. Don’t ask yourself why you can’t cry anymore…don’t wonder where’s the compassion and love you once felt…This is new to you…is cold and dark and there are no Angels in here…

My freedom to chose (always denied)

“Voices echo, from the past
Decisions made for you
Trials they made
To touch your heart
Never found their way”

(Journey-“Troubled child”)

I packed my bags with a feeling of regret…his small apartment was my home and here i felt safe. What will my future bring…jumping straight in the unknown, with my eyes closed…but i still have him, i have his love, i gotta believe it…

-Isabel, what’s wrong? You’re very quiet…

-Nothing, i’m alright…just thinking about my bags…i don’t know what clothes should i wear in Africa…i never visited…I’m sorry, Mark, there’s just my foolish imagination…

He smiled, pulling me closer and taking my face in his hands.

-There’s nothing foolish about you, my love. Everything about you is sweet and pure and beautiful…Isabel, don’t be afraid, i’ll be with you all the way…And Africa is warm and interesting and amazing…is hard work and it can be painful sometimes, but you’ll fall in love and the feeling will last forever…

-Like it happened with you and me?

He looked deep in my eyes and i knew he really meant it. I’ll fall in love and it will last forever…But why am I so afraid? Why do I feel this shadow in my soul…

-Hey…i know…do you want me to check your mails? Belle…you got over two hundred…ok…who’s Helen?

-Helen?! Give it to me…she’s Robbie’s mother…

-The child with leukemia? What did she wrote?

“Ali, please talk to Phillipe, tell him where you are and come back home! He stopped the payment and Robbie is not well…he’s in comma…Please, Alicia…i’m begging you…stop being so selfish and think about the child…you promised to help him…His life is depending on you and if he’ll die…is on YOUR Conscience! The doctors told us it’s a matter of days…don’t let him die! Chose with your heart, Ali, go back to your husband! How will you ever look in the mirror if Robbie’s dying because of you…Think about…”

The world was spinning around me and i felt like i’m gonna fall in any second. I sensed his arms around my waist and i knew he read it too. He seems incredibly serious, like never before.

-Isabel, do you trust me? Do you? Enough to do exactly what i’m telling you to do? I want you to lay here on the bed while i’m going out…i need half hour, no…20 minutes. Meanwhile i want you to stay here…no talking, no decisions…just stay here and i promise you i’ll fix this forever…

He left the room…leaving me trembling and in tears…My God…what will I do now? How will I be able to live with myself knowing that my decision…i should call Phillipe…I reached for the phone…and then I remembered…Mark told me to wait and he…A terrible thought…he left me! I’m just too much of a burden to him. He’ll never come back…I started to cry and i cried so hard…drowning myself in tears…for so long…it seems like hours. And then his arms around me…

-Isabel, sweetie…don’t cry…i’m sorry it took me so long…

-You’re gonna leave me, don’t you? I caused you too many problems…

He took me in his arms planting small kisses all over my face.

-I’ll never leave you…in fact, i was afraid you’re gonna leave…and for all wrong reasons. Belle…sit down. Look into my eyes because what i’m about to tell you is very important. I spoke to the doctor who’s in charge with Robbie’s case, in Tokyo. Yes, i called there…

-Mark…i’m afraid to ask…is Robbie…he…please tell me he’s still alive…

-They never heard of Robbie’s name! Or of Helen or Bryce! They never went to Tokyo, Robbie never had a transplant! So, i called Helen…I told her i’m gonna treat her child for free, i just need the medical records. I want to see for myself the diagnosis and the treatment he had so far…Guess what? You protected a healthy little boy, thank God for this!

-Mark, you must be wrong! I saw him all white, connected to the machines that helped him breath, fighting for his life…And Helen was crying…That’s when i accepted the marriage proposal from Phillipe…he was so cruel…he just said in front of Helen that he’s gonna pay for the transplant if i’m marrying him. I sensed like i have no choice…

-Let’s talk about what you saw…The child had appendicitis, he went into surgery and the recover was longer and harder than it supposed to be…and yes, it can be pretty scary to see that…but he never had leukemia!

-My God…why? Why did they…why all the lies…For Phillipe…and such a cruel lie…how could a mother lie like this…she’s not afraid of God above? Mark…i’m shocked…

-I recorded all my conversations if you wanna hear for yourself…

-No…i trust you…Mark, please, take me away from this people…far away…

-Far away? he asked smiling. Nairobi sounds ok? I need you to hurry…we’re supposed to be in the airport in half hour…Come here…your eyes are still red…how could you cry so hard?

-I’m sorry…God…i feel angry of myself…angry of them…

-Isabel, let this feeling go…it’s not helping you and it’s not coming from God…You need to open your heart and to ask for inner strength…there…in Kenya…you’ll see so much pain…you’ll see death…sadness, fear, hurt. But if your soul is full of Light and Love, you’ll see God’s purest creations and you’ll have a chance of a lifetime…to heal, to love, to give…There’s no place for tears! It’s the place for hope and love…and for you, to be the woman i know you are…Now let’s go! Kenya is waiting for us!

A chance of a lifetime…to love and to be loved…it’s all i’m searching for…And to experience something new: my right to chose…cause it was never my choice. Always someone else’s…breaking my heart and changing my life forever…making me feel like a feather in the wind…my inner strength…will I ever feel it? Will I ever be able to trust…or to go back to a place i used to call it “my home”?…

Swimming with the sharks

“Time after time I tried to walk away
But its not that easy,
When you soul is torn in two
So I just resigned myself to it everyday
And now all that I can do is to leave it up to you.”

(Jamelia-“Stop”)

The earth is shaking…i’m running and i’m terrified to see that i didn’t moved at all! They are all falling down…there’s Peter with Estelle, there’s Liz, Tony, my father…Someone is reaching a hand calling my name…he said “Help me” and i wanna go back to save them all. And then i see her. My mother…she’s above us, dressed in white, surrounded by light. Her voice is like i remember…”It’s alright, Belle…just don’t look back!”. But i’m looking back…and something dark and cold is suffocating me…”

-Isabel…wake up…open your eyes, look at me! It’s over, it was just a nightmare! Keep breathing and count…you had a panic attack…

I woke up, trying hard to breath trough the tears…Another nightmare, another panic attack…another dream with my mother. Mark took me in his arms, holding me so tight…

-Sweet girl…why are you so tormented…i would do anything to make these nightmares go away…Come here…your heart is racing and you almost stopped breathing. I know how hard is to control a panic attack during sleep…but you’re safe now…

-Mark…

-Welcome back, Isabel…

-What time is it? So early…i guess i felt asleep watching tv…i dreamed something…Liz was there too…

-You miss her, don’t you? It’s alright…please don’t look down, she’s your friend and you heaven’t saw her for so long. And i have an idea! Why don’t you call her? Call Liz, talk to her for a while, it will help you…

-You’ll do this for me? Mark, you’re so amazing…

-And you’re so silly sometimes! Alright…all settle…call her…

Her voice so familiar and still so far away made me feel like i’m in another dimension in time and space…

-Hi Liz…

-Aliiiii! Thanks God you called! Are you alright, Ali?

-Yes, i’m more than alright…i’m so happy, Liz…i just miss you very much…

-Ali, if you knew what’s going on here! Phillipe lost his mind completely! He’s trying to intimidate everybody…Imagine…he found something about Tony…some stuff with his business…he wanna send Tony back to Italy if we don’t bring you back. And i told him that i have no idea about where you are but he doesn’t believe me…And Peter…

-What’s going on with Peter?

-He was arrested yesterday…accused of molesting Estelle…the poor girl doesn’t even remember, but Phillipe had a recorded declaration of her…anyway, it probably means nothing, you know Peter…he always lands on his feet…By the way…Peter is desperate, he thinks you’re death or something…

-My God…what about my father? Is he ok?

-Your father told me he doesn’t recognize you as his daughter anymore…he’s so upset with you…he’s spending so much time with Phillipe…they even tried to go to Police and declare you missing, but you wrote a letter, so the Police is not involved…at least i heard is not…then your father and Phillipe tried to declare you mentally disable…

-What?!…

-Yes…but that therapist…Raimondo…and something…said to the authorities that you’re perfectly capable of taking any decision and that you’re not suffering of any mental illness…And…do you know someone named Bryce? With a child who’s suffering of leukemia?

-Yes, little Robby…how is he feeling? You talked to Bryce?

-It seems that Phillipe was paying for Robby’s treatment…and he stopped the payment…saying that is all up to you. Bryce told me that Phillipe used the words “he can go to hell” talking about the child.

-The bastard…he was always blackmailing me using the child’s illness. But…tell me, Liz…Maria is fine?

-Oh, don’t you worry about Maria! She’s like a bodyguard for Phillipe! She’s the only one who adores your husband and takes care of him. She said some things about you, Ali…

-I never imagined…

-Ali, please…come back home! Everything will come back to normal if you just come home…Please…a lot of people are suffering because of that angry control freak of your husband…and all because you left. Come back home…

-Liz, you don’t understand…i am home! I never felt more like home…and for the first time in my life i’m really happy. I miss you, my best friend and you’ll always have a place in my heart but here is my home now.

-Where are you, Ali? Who you’re with? Don’t…

Mark was looking at me with his blue-light eyes, taking the laptop out of my arms. He wiped away the tears from my eyes.

-I’m sorry…Mark…i shouldn’t have called Liz…now you heard it all…

-I heard that they need you to go back to save them. So…what will be your choice? Your friends from Monte Carlo or me and my orphans from Kenya?

-It’s not a choice, it never was and it will never be! It’s like asking me if i wanna swim with the sharks or just stay safe and happy with you…home…

-Isabel…is this true? You really feel that your home is with me? And you’re really happy?

I smiled at him, like smiling to a scared child…placing my arms around his neck to feel his curled hair…

-Yes…my home is in your arms…here in London or far away…in Kenya…or anywhere else you wanna take me…I’m happy to be with you, to look at you…to feel your heart beating next to mine…ever since that day…Remember? When you kissed me in that small church…since that day i was yours…And yes…i married Phillipe…but God knew and He still knows that you were the one i wanted to give my body and soul…

His kiss took me by surprise…his passion made my heart jump and my body was melting in his arms.

-My sweet Isabel…i was so wrong…i love you and i want you so much…i wanna make love to you…can you give me another chance…please Belle, my heart, my body and my soul is aching for you…

-i’m here…i want you to be a part of me…and me a part of you…

(to be continued)

Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…

An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…