When even friends seem out to harm you

“And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way”

(Guns’n Roses-“November Rain”)

Overwhelming feelings, sensations and thoughts were running trough my body and soul…Lying naked on the sateen sheets…shivering light from the white candles placed all around the bed…creating a sweet sensation of tranquility. Red wine, contrasting with the pale white shadows and a music i never heard before…He looked at me and took my hand kissing my fingers. I slowly begun to move, just to feel his body closer, just to make sure he’s real…

-Thank you…

My voice sounded gentle and sweet, almost like a whisper. I opened my eyes looking deep inside his heart. He took me into his arms, holding me tight.

-I would give anything for this look in your eyes…To see love, adoration, trust…Alicia…there’s nothing in this world i wouldn’t give you…

-I only need you to love me, Phillipe…to make love to me…like you did. With passion and tenderness…

Running my fingers trough his hair, thinking how handsome he really is, how perfect we can be to each other.

-I realized something, princess…losing you, destroying your trust in me, hurting you the way i did it…it was a nightmare, i am a monster, like you once told me…

I placed my fingers on his lips to stop him for talking.

-You’re the only man i love…and i tried to change you…it was so unfair of me…I felt in love with your wildest side, your dark side attracted me so much, but all i ever dreamed was that you’ll love me so much…so you’ll wanna change it all for me…Do i make any sense?

-Baby…

I felt tears and i didn’t tried to stop them.

-Now i understand, Phillipe…now i know and i respect you for who you really are and i’m scared that i’ll never be able to make you happy. God knows i’ll try! But i’m terrified of the thought of being harmed…and still…i wanna give you what you need, what you desire…i think i need you to be patient with me and to assure me again and again…

He kissed me deep and passionate grabbing my hair and holding firmly my face.

-Alicia…you’re making me very happy…i need to learn how to keep this beautiful smile on your lips…how to see every day this spark in your eyes…how to make you feel safe and loved. You’re the only light in my darkness…

The phone was ringing…a cruel sound in the perfect ambient.

-Oh, no…it’s Annette…do you want me to answer?

-Yes, baby…but put it on speaker…i wanna hear it all…cause i have a feeling…

the conversation with Annette:

-Ali, where are you? I need you to come to the hotel, pleeeeease…

-Hi, Annette. I can’t…i’m not in Monte Carlo…actually i’m very far away…i said looking at Phillipe with a playful smile

-I need your help, Ali! In two days is my date…i told you about Mark…

-Yes…did you find any dress to fit you?

-Ali, it’s not about the dress…you gave me clothes for a few years at least. I found a great dress…the red one. But i don’t have aaaaa…

you know…

-Tell me! You need shoes? Or some nice earings to match to the dress? Phillipe started to laugh.

-God, Ali, don’t make me say it! It’s about an underwear…i need a hot sexy underwear and all are so expensive…and i wanna impress him…i’m planning to pay a room in the hotel and spend the night with him…

-Wait! Annette…this is your first date…you never met him till now. Don’t you think you’re hurrying things too much? What he’s gonna think about you?

-So, you’ll give me? Please, Ali…

-I’m sorry, this time i can’t help you! I really think you should be yourself and not trying so much to impress him…he should be impress by you, your heart and soul, your personality…not by a sexy underwear that it isn’t even yours…

-Thanks for nothing! Are you trying to ruin this for me? Why? Jealousy? You know, Alicia, he is my chance…i wasn’t born rich, like you! And i didn’t married a rich man like you did! And i don’t wanna spend my whole damn life cleaning rooms! He’s my chance to escape from poverty and i need your help…

-Oh my God! You need my help to…what? To sleep with him? To sell yourself? Annette…

-Sure, like you’re better than me! Don’t tell me it’s a coincidence that all the guys you were involved with are millionaires! I know what you’re doing…playing good little housewife till the next one will appear. And, till then you’ll get all you can from the jerk of your husband…

The attack took me by surprise, or maybe i was too high and falling down was too painful. I blocked and i started to cry, looking helpless at Phillipe. He was so angry…a frozen expression. For a moment i thought he’s gonna smash the phone, but he just took it from my shivering hands and spoke with a sinister dark tone…

-So, the trash voiced…spitting all the venom in my home…Trash…you know what is going to happen to you? You know what i’m doing with the snakes? Make them swallow their own poison…

-N-n-no…Sir…i’m sorry, i was angry and i didn’t thought…please, Sir…forgive me…

-This conversation is recorded. I will use the information. You will forget about Alicia and this number. And…almost forgot…in the next half hour, the poor fool is gonna receive a mail. With a link…

I heard her crying and whining and praying and bagging. Phillipe closed the phone. He took me in his arms.

-Now is a good time to tell me “i told you so”. Phillipe, i’m a fool…i should had listed to you…i still can’t believe…

-No, baby…you’re not a fool…you made a mistake…you always see the best in people, don’t you? And you believe in changes for better, right? A big part of my reason to love you is this precious heart of yours! This light you spread all around you…now don’t be sad…you didn’t lost anything…

He was warm, gentle and carrying. And the love i felt for him in that moment was overwhelming.

-Promise me i won’t lose you, mon amour…

-As long as you’ll be like this…your precious soul is safe. And nothing and no one will harm you again. As long as you’re mine…

And, with all my heart, i wanted to feel like i’m his…but deep inside my soul i know i’ll never be…

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Wish i were you

“Can’t you see I can give you

Everything you need

I’m the one who want to love you more.”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

-Tell me about this amazing guy you’re gonna meet next week!

-Ali, it wont be any amazing guy if i don’t find a proper dress to wear…I can’t go to the date wearing my uniform from work…

I looked at Anette trying to be as much sympathetic as she needed at the time. She really seemed upset and i wasn’t in my best mood…tired and sad after leaving the company…scared by the thought of working with (or should i say…for) Phillipe, still trying to adjust to my new life. A married woman…still couldn’t believe how my life changed in just a few months…

She interrupted my thoughts.

-Anyway, i shouldn’t bother you with my problems. I don’t even know why i told him to meet when i know my condition…cleaning rooms in the hotel…don’t get me wrong, Ali, i’m grateful for your effort to find me this job, is much better than being a servant to that i…sorry, to Phillipe. Keep forgetting he’s your husband…Know what? I’ll just cancel the date…he’s way out of my league…

-Why are you talking this way, Anette? You’re smart and beautiful and interesting. If he’s the one for you…he shouldn’t care about your pay check or the way you earn your money, right? And…know what?

-What?

-I have the perfect solution to your problems! I was afraid of saying before, cause i don’t want you to feel bad…but if i can help…Can i offer you a dress or a few dresses of my own? As a gift for you…i let you choose and you can try them at home…Will you?

I saw her blushing and i felt like doing a big mistake. And then i saw the tears in her eyes. I should have known…

-Anette, i’m so sorry…i never wanted to make you feel…

-No, Ali, it’s not this…just that no one before you…no one at all…was so nice to me. You’re like a sister to me…and i’m overwhelmed…cause you helped me so much…finding me a job…and with my mom’s treatment…and now this…And i’m still whining and complaining…But i’m just so insecure thinking i’m gonna see him for the first time…did i told you he’s a doctor?

-No, i only knew he’s from London and that you two met online on a chat room…didn’t knew he’s a doctor…that’s great!

-Here…i have a picture of him…see…he’s gorgeous. His name is Mark and i truly feel he’s the one for me…

She showed me the picture and i felt like falling in a deep swamp…uncontrollable feelings and my heart racing. Because in all this time i said to myself that i was dreaming…that he was only a vision from my tormented mind…but no, he is real…Mark…my Mark…i could still feel his kiss on my burning lips and his hands running trough my hair. AND IT WASN’T RIGHT! Someone i used to call “a ghost”, “a vision”…the love at first sight…maybe the love of my life…How could i be so foolish? He’s a real man! Using a chat room and dating Anette! My God…

-Ali…are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost…Ali! You’re all white and trembling…

-No…i’m ok…I just didn’t eat lunch and i think i’m catching a cold or something…Now come on…i promised you a new wardrobe, right? Let’s chose some nice dresses for you…

two hours later

-Alicia…why is this woman leaving our home with a big bag full of dresses? I thought we talked about it…you know how i hate when you’re so friendly with servants…

Trying to cover my true emotions…still shaking from deep inside my heart…I smiled at him, looking into his eyes and putting my arms around his neck.

-Well…technically…she’s not your servant anymore…and she needed some clothes…you know, for the first date and a few more…hopefully…She’s dating some doctor from London and she’s so insecure about her look and style and intelligence…actually…her everything…So, i thought i can help with a few dresses…you know i have too many clothes…

Phillipe started to laugh as he held me tight in his arms.

-My sweet princess…always running to help the needy ones…but there’s a fact i should tell you. Look at me, Alicia, when i talk to you…Alright…A servant remains a servant! You can dress her anyway you want! And about her insecurities…don’t make me laugh…why in the hell is she dating a doctor? Well, she’ll have a major break down after the first date, believe me!

-Why do you hate her so much? Because she’s poor?

-Because she’s a garbage! A disobeying garbage! Who, by the way, insulted you! And never…not in a million years, i’ll never be able to understand why you care for her! Sometimes i feel that you just likes to be insulted and abused…your choices seem to show it…

I felt hot steaming tears running down my cheeks. I looked at Phillipe wanting…dreaming…that just for one second…it could be Mark the one who’s holding me…or i could be her…the one who’s gonna feel his arms around her…

Phillipe grabbed my face and wiped away my tears. He melted his tone trying to comfort me.

-I was too harsh…i’m very sorry for hurting your feelings. Alicia, i think you’re amazing but i also think you’re very naive sometimes…and i made a promise to protect you, remember? My beautiful wife…Look, you know i don’t care about the money you spend…give her money…help her financial…but stay away from her. I never wanna see her in our home again, or around you, princess…understood? Good, now come here…no need to cry, baby…i’m not upset with you…

So, was it the destiny? My destiny…or just a cruel joke? A chance to say good bye to him…to see him one more time and look into his eyes. A chance to ask him why…

Why didn’t he gave me a chance? Why did he turned his back on me like that kiss never happened? Why did he broke his promise…letting me believe it was all just in my imagination. And…my God…why now? Now…when is too late…