Out of the dark (is this the end?…)

“I love your imperfections
I love your everything
Your broken heart, your broken wings
I love you when you hold me
And when you turn away
I love you still and I’m not afraid
Cause I know you feel the same way
And you’ll stay”

(Sara Evans-“Saints and Angels”)

I can’t remember how our love started…and i don’t know when it was over. You never told me your joys and your sorrows…and i guess i hurt you just as much as you were hurting me. Phillipe…every day i try to make myself brave enough to live my life without you and every night i pray to find a reason to stay. I just wanna feel that my place is here, with you, but i can’t…

L’amour de ma vie…love of my life…i just feel so lonely, like i’m all alone on this Earth…and it tears me apart to feel this way in your arms. Is not fair to you…You’ll never know how much i tried…how much i convinced myself that your rules, your life style, your control…all of these are all i need to be happy. I’m not free, Phillipe and true love is always free. A bird in a golden cage…i never quite understood the expression till now…

So, i’m leaving…don’t know for how long…maybe until in my mind i’ll be able to decide if what i feel for you is love…fascination…addiction…submissiveness…You need a woman who can accept you for who you truly are and I…I need to stop being so afraid. Forgive me…if there’s still room in your heart for forgiveness and love…

I already miss your voice calling me “princess”…

Alicia

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

-Alright…then hurry…our plain will leave France in 2 hours. And Isabel…no, nothing…Just do what you feel is best for your heart…or safe anyway…

I took of the wedding ring and place it next to the big black diamante ring. With slow, robotic moves i attached the letter and the propriety papers from the house in Provence. A simple white envelope…with my life in it…I wrote his name, to be sure he’ll receive my good-bye. I needed to cry…but i had no tears left. I looked in a mirror…unrecognizable…a sad version of me. No sparks, no playful smile, no hot sexy dress…Just a sad and lonely girl with too many things to think about. And…what’s this? A tear…

-Hey…

He took my hand and caressed the trace from the wedding ring. I looked down…

-What will happen from now on?

-We’ll fly to London…i need a few days to finish the documentation for my transfer…and then we’ll start our missionary tour. You’ll be working hard, side by side with me to open the “Divine Mercy Homes” in Eastern Europe and anywhere else in this world.

-What if i’ll fail…like i failed everything else in my life…

-Isabel…you cannot fail when His Love is upon you. And if you ever feel like falling i’m here to catch you. As long as you need it and want it…Come on…take my hand and lift up your eyes…you’re not a criminal.

-You know what will happen here? You’re not afraid if he’s coming after you…

-I’m not afraid of Phillipe, and you shouldn’t be neither. Darkness is feeding out of fear and desperation. You know it…Open your heart to the Light…let His Love and Mercy to guide you on your way…

-Thank you…

-Don’t thank me…i’m sorry, Isabel…letting you go was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me…and please accept this…

He gently placed the necklace around my neck. The Divine Mercy Medal…the one that Phillipe tried so hard to destroy…and he succeeded…

For the first time, i look…truly look into his blue eyes. And i was back in time, in the small church where i realized that my life will be forever connected with his. My God…how could i betray my own heart the way i did?

-Isabel…i love you too…

-I…i…

-Please, don’t answer me…i know you need a lot of time to heal…but that day haunted me. You said “i love you” and i was just letting you go…without a single word. From now on…i wont let a single day to pass without saying the words to you.

-Mark…

-Now let’s go! We have a plain to catch and you need to start breathing again…

And with every step i felt stronger…leaving behind my nightmares…A new life…a life i never knew i can have…with a Light i thought forever lost…

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When Heaven cried

“Send them your heart
So they’ll know that someone cares
So their cries for help
Will not be in vain
We can’t let them suffer
No we cannot turn away
Right now they need a helping hand”

(Various artists-“We are the world”)

God, give me the power to accept what i cannot change…Please, God, make me wise enough to choose right from wrong, take away the anger and pain and fill my heart with Love and Hope…

Cause right now, my Lord, i can’t accept…and i cannot stop asking “Why?”…

-Alicia…baby, you’re crying…

-i’m sorry, Phillipe, i was watching on youtube…about the attack from Syria…

He took me in his arms and wiped away my tears.

-yes, i saw that…i know how sensitive you are about this kind of things…but there’s nothing you can do about…

-actually, i was praying…

-to who?

The question seemed so ironic…it made me lift my eyes to meet his look. He smiled at me and continued:

-to your God, right? And…what’s the result? Any answer so far? No wait, tell me first…what did you asked?

-wisdom and love…

He grabbed my chin so he could see deep in my eyes.

-baby…you don’t need to ask for that…you already have them. But if talking to an imaginary character helped you, that’s fine with me…anything for your beautiful smile…Tell me, wanna talk about this? The images you saw…

-Phillipe, what i saw…all those children…all the dying…what kind of people, what kind of human beings can hurt children this way? I heard their cries…that’s beyond cruelty. And i saw mothers and fathers crying…There’s nothing, absolutely nothing, that can justify these crimes.

-And what you feel right now? It’s more than sadness, right, Alicia? You feel anger…you want them to be punished…That’s why you asked for love and wisdom, because you cannot forgive and forget…

He was right, i couldn’t forgive and forget…I imagined that no one can…he continued to talk, fixing my eyes with his, like hypnotizing me.

-…and i’m pretty sure that you cannot turn the other cheek neither…or praying for those who did that to children…innocent children…

-no, i’m just too small, i feel too small…and i still need to “grow up”, spiritually meaning…so i could get near acceptance and love…but i ask for guidance in all my prayers…

He started to laugh.

-I’m sorry, baby, for laughing…but you’re so wrong…and deep inside your heart you know it. Accept the unacceptable and love the unlovable…Wanna know something about yourself? You can correct me if i’m wrong…

-go ahead, nothing can shock me anymore…

-You never followed rules, not even the simple ones. Always said you got your own set of rules…and never accepted someone else’s. In time, people tried to impose you things…they never succeeded…Am i right so far?

-yes…

-a rebel, no matter what, ever since you were a child! And you always felt special somehow and you’re still judging yourself really hard for that, like it were a bad thing…

-it is a bad thing…and i only wanna feel like a normal person, cause feeling special kinda isolates me…

-Let me continue, please…So, ever since you were a child, you took the initiative and the others followed you. You never accepted abuses and you always had an inner sense of justice. And sometimes, deep inside your heart, you feel that God Itself is not being fair…and, in your mind, you fight with Him, you questioned His choices. And that made you scared and confused, feeling guilty and sad…You’re still trying to deny those feelings, don’t you? And you still feel a strange presence around you, especially in your dreams…you try to tell yourself that it’s your Guardian Angel…

He talked like he could read my soul. It was too much…i turned my back on him, so that he couldn’t see the effect of his words. How he touched my soul…i felt so exposed and vulnerable…

-that means i’m right…

I turned to see his eyes, so deep, so dark…i touched gently his cheek and i started to play with his careless hair.

-Phillipe, can we drop this subject? You know you’re right…you seems to read my soul and my mind. And it really helped me to talk to you…but you scares me a little…

He ignored me and continued to speak:

-Alicia, if you knew…you’re not the only one who felt this way…those feelings, the inner fight and the deep sense of justice…You know who else questioned God?

-please…i’m tired…let’s go to bed, this discussion is too much for me…now you’re gonna tell me about fallen angels…

He smiled at me.

-Why would i tell you something that you already know? Come to bed, we’ll talk about this another time…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, so gentle and carrying…

-By the way…you didn’t said…He ever answers to your prayers?

-always…He just did that…My Lord, please forgive what seems to be beyond human forgiveness and heal our wounds produced by hate…thank you for being my guide trough the darkness…Holly Father, i’m still lost, i’m still searching…please, be my eyes when i can’t see…