Pieces of my broken dream

“I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all”

(Phil Collins-“Against All Odds”)

-Let me do this…you know how much i love to feel the touch of your hair…so smooth…like silk…

I smiled at him. Phillipe started brushing my hair with slow moves, touching it like it were something precious. I felt so relaxed and it was a new sensation of being safe.

-I could get used to that…

-You should, sweet princess, cause i’m gonna take care of you…baby…i never felt so much love. You’re so beautiful and you’re all mine…

He stopped for a moment and turned me to face him. He had something in his hands…

-A gift? For me? What is it?

-It’s a reward. For you, for being so sweet and good and acting so responsible. It’s yours, open it.

I took the ribbons off and my heart jumped with joy seeing a beautiful reply of the house from Provence…made of wood. Like a fine piece of jewel.

-It’s beautiful! Thank you, i love this home and now i can carry it with me anywhere i’ll go!

I jumped in his arms, giving him a kiss.

-Baby, i wanna see that spark in your eyes all the time! It’s yours! I know how much you like the house and we share a very precious memory there. And i don’t want you to feel like a guest…you’re my world, my only love…

-Wait a minute! Phillipe…you’re talking about the house…the real house? You wanna give me the real house? But why…i cannot accept it!

He started to laugh.

-Of course is about the real house! And you can keep the little one too, it has a dedication written on the roof. See? “For Alicia, the love of my life, the light of my heart and soul!”.

I felt overwhelmed.

-Phillipe…i…i don’t deserve it…i mean…it’s yours and i…i’m sorry…i can’t…

-Ssssshhhhhsss! Of course you can! It would mean the world to me if you’ll accept my gift. So, whenever we’re going to Provence, we’ll stay at your place…

-I…i don’t know what to say…

He took me in his arms and kissed me, grabbing my chin and looking into my eyes with a feeling of tenderness.

-Well, you don’t have to say anything. Just sign the papers…baby…what’s with the tears?

-Why…after all that happened…

-Because i can and i want! And because i love you, i wanna give you a shelter, a feeling of being safe and it’s the only way i know how…And because you were a good girl…no phone calls, no internet, no going out without my permission…you followed all the rules and i know it’s not easy for you. That’s why! And for renouncing to Second Life…

-I’ll do whatever it takes to make you happy. If Second Life is a problem…

-Baby…i hate that game! And the though of you being with someone…but you’re starting to forget, right?

-I never tried again…after you deleted my account…

-I know…

-Phillipe…my phone…all my conversations are recorded?

-Yes. And i placed video cameras in the apartment…and your laptop is checked daily. And i hired someone to observe you when you’re out of the house without me. It’s the normal thing to do. Alicia…i’m protecting what’s mine. All i want is for you to forget him…forget Second Life. I want you to do it willingly…but there’s always another way…

I stood quiet in front of him, thinking of a warm place with warm arms wrapped around me…

-Baby, what’s wrong?

-I’m cold…i’m tired and cold…and i can’t fight this feeling. It scares me to feel so cold…

-What do you mean…cold? Your skin is warm, hope you’re not getting sick…

-Phillipe…it’s like i’m in the middle of a dream, a beautiful dream. And then something is breaking and i feel like walking on glass and cutting myself with every step i’m taking. And the pain is cold…unbearable cold.

-Alicia…look at me. Stop talking like this…stop crying. If you’ll follow the rules, like you did so far, maybe i’ll think about giving you more freedom. What do you say, baby? It’s up to you…now be a good girl and sign the papers, this house needs a new owner! Good…this is the way i like it…you, doing what you’re told to do…princess…you makes me very happy!

-Thank you, Phillipe. I’m sorry for being so sensitive…of course i understand and i’ll do whatever it takes…

-Baby, it’s all i need to hear. And Alicia…don’t ever try to lie or to cheat again! Remember who you belong to…

I closed my eyes, still feeling tired and cold. His arms around me…he loves me, he wants to give me his whole life. In return i only have to give away my freedom…it’s not that hard…

But forgetting…it’s just impossible…How could i forget him? My love…the man who made me dream and love and fly without wings…When every step i’m taking, every song, every dance, every place…reminds me of him. Leaving him without even saying good bye…how could i ever forget or forgive myself? Every night i feel like pieces of a broken dream are haunting me and the days…the days are just empty…and there’s no one…absolutely no one who could hold me and love me the way he used to…

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I know you’re wrong…

“I’ve had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I’m looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it’s time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don’t just let me go”

(George Michael-“One more try”)

Lacoste, le Chateau de Le Marquis de Sade

-So…what do you think, my love? Those walls saw it all…this view is what He saw every day here. The history showed that this is the place He adored more than any other. Feel this energy in the air…Alicia, i feel so alive, so energized, i could live here! Home…

I was trying really hard to share his enthusiasm. It was a pleasant feeling to see him so happy, like a child who just opened a gift, but beyond that…I was struggling my inner storms, thinking of Mark and judging myself for kissing a complete stranger. I felt sad and abandoned and the castle seemed to made it worst. Like a dark cloud over my head…i felt a deep loneliness inside me and a sharp pain in my head. And a lack of air who got worst ever since i stepped inside the castle.

-Yes, Phillipe, it’s beautiful, even if it gives me some cold shivers…Look at those paintings and those images…can’t you feel the pain of his victims? It’s a very cold place…

-We’ll make it warm…i’m ready to make you love this place as much as i do. Come here…i have a gift for you. Close your eyes and feel this…

The touch of silk…

-A vintage dress…for me? It’s gorgeous, thank you so much…

-I want you to wear it tonight. Right now…and then i’ll show you the surprise. But first…let me see my beautiful princess dressed like she deserves…

The vintage dress was amazing. Brushing my hair, i kept repeating to myself that it’s alright. I’m oversensitive…in fact, i must be crazy…i just said “i love you” to a stranger. My God…maybe he’s having fun right now telling all to his friends. But he gave me the Medal. I looked at the necklace…no, i’m not crazy. And i have to get back to Phillipe…

-…is it ok?

He looked at me like it was the first time he was seeing me. Fascinated, amazed…i smiled to him thinking how much he loves me and how much he deserves from me to try…at least to try to feel…

-Alicia…i’m breathless…i tried to imagined this so many times…

He took me in his arms and held me so tight. I was still feeling bad but i tried to rationalize this sensation. After all…i was there with the man i supposed to love, in a castle. He tried everything to make me feel special and loved. I had no reason at all to react this way.

Two hours later, the main bedroom

-Feeling better, my love? You are so pale…

-Phillipe…the dinner was extraordinary…you brought me all my favorite food…with a touch of Provence. Even the home made chocolate that i used to eat when i was a child. And the wine…fabulous! I’m just so sorry i ruined the dinner…

-Don’t be silly, you just gave me a reason to take you to bed, my beauty…And now that you’re here in my arms is all perfect. Alicia…take off the dress. I wanna kiss you all over…and i’m gonna start with this little spot on your neck…Baby, what’s that necklace you’re wearing? The Miraculous Medal…i’m sure you didn’t had it when we left home…

He grabbed my face looking deep in my eyes. He was serious. I started to feel myself blushing and i tried, in desperation, to find a lie…

-No…someone gave it while i was waiting for you…it’s nothing, really. I forgot already…

I could see the anger growing in his eyes. My heart started to beat faster…he seemed changed, like something wild was taking control…

-Alicia, you’re the worst liar i ever met! Ok, my love…if it’s nothing…i’ll tell you what to do. Take it off and throw it away. Now! Didn’t you heard me? Or you need help? My pleasure…

He took the necklace in his hand trying to ripe it off my neck. I felt a panic and sadness like never before…

-No, Phillipe, stop it! I’ll tell you everything…just don’t break it. Please…

I started to cry, protecting the necklace with both of my hands. He stopped and lifted my face so he could see my eyes…

-I was…in the church…and it was a man who has the necklace…and i told him about my mom…and he gave it to me because he felt sorry for me. Cause i lost mine…and i was afraid to tell you cause you said not to go in the church…

I couldn’t speak anymore. My tears runned down my cheeks straight to the dress. It wasn’t about the fight anymore…i cried because my heart was so full…

-Baby…it’s alright. I’m sorry i got so angry with you. I believe you, ok? Stop crying, you’re gonna ruin the dress…Alicia…i don’t know what happened right now…i lost control. I felt that you’re acting like a spoiled child…thinking only about yourself. And me, my love? Don’t you think you hurt me a little too much? I’m only human…And i’m used to a different kind of woman. Sometimes i don’t know how to get to you…but all i do is for your own good. Try to be a little more sensitive about my requests…i don’t think is so hard…

-yes…i’m so tired…i think is the wine…i just wanna sleep…

-…you will, princess. Tell me…you wanna make me happy? But be honest now…

-you know i do…

-good…because i have something to ask you. A dream…my dream and yours too. Remember when you told me how much you want a child…my love…this is the perfect time, the perfect place…

-what do you mean?  You wanna…Here? No…i can’t…you know, i need more time…we need time…

-Alicia, i love you. It’s simple…In time, you’ll love me too…but why should we wait? We both have this dream…let’s make it happen right now…just think about…

His words were like fire in my heart. I said no…thinking all the time that i made the right decision…

Because in a place where fear and anger took the place of love…

in a place where i felt ravished by sadness and not by passion…

in a place where having a child is an expression of possession and control, and not an expression of a loving family…

No child should be conceived without love! No child should be a cure, or a bond, or a price, or a gift…or an attempt to heal my broken heart.

Touched by an Angel

“Who can say for certain
Maybe you’re still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory’s so clear

Deep in the stillness
I can hear you speak
You’re still an inspiration
Can it be…”

(J. Groban-“To where you are”)

Lacoste, Provence (France)

-It’s so quiet in here…

-Isn’t it beautiful, Alicia? Look at the colors, so bright and alive…this place has a life of himself. If you listen carefully you might hear the wind whispering trough the lavender fields…

-Are you sure is not le Marquis de Sade, telling us to get away from his village? i asked smiling to Phillipe.

-We’ll see, my beauty…i have a surprise for you…

-Other that visiting his castle? It’s a lifetime visit, considering that it’s not opened to public. You really have friends in high places, Phillipe.

-Baby…promise me you wont run away…i arranged for us to stay over night at the castle. Hope you’re not scared of the rumors…

-What rumors? My God, i’m going to sleep in the same place where le Marquis de Sade…

-In his home, my love. And yes…some terrible things happened there. I know how sensitive you are, Alicia…And there’s a downside to this: i have to do something before we’ll get there. Is a part of the surprise…

-It’s alright…i saw a small church, i could visit that place while you’re doing…you know what.

-No, don’t go to the church…it’s not even catholic. Look, there’s a bistro…they have a great coffee and i’m back in an hour. I hate leaving you alone…

-I’ll be fine…go and arrange my surprise!

He kissed me and made me promise that i won’t go anywhere else than the bistro. And i won’t talk to the local people. And i won’t say a word about the place where i’m sleeping tonight. Overprotective…i said to myself.

Of course…i always do what i’m told not to do…

The small church doesn’t seemed catholic, it had the look of a protestant place. And also seemed empty…i found a place to stay and admire the ray of light dancing to the walls. The feeling of peace and love was so strong…i almost felt like a child in his mother’s arms. My mom, i missed her so much. And what if…I looked around me…no one could hear me, so i started to talk looking to the blue light from the window…

-God, i know i don’t pray and you know how much i avoid churches…Maybe You’re upset with me, but if You can hear me…i miss her. Mom, if you’re there, it’s Isabel. Remember how you used to call me? I know it’s been a while…sometimes i can’t even remember how you looked and that scares me. Do you remember me? I was 5 when i saw you for the last time…I’m a grown woman now. You know, mom, sometimes i feel like a little girl angry and scared and all i want is for you to hold me tight…or at least to give me a sign that you still love me…

I felt warm salty tears running down my face and i realized i’m on my knees looking at the sky…Just when i tried to get up on my feet, i heard a sound of steps behind me. I turned and there it was…this man was here all the time. He was just looking at me with the most beautiful light-blue eyes i ever saw in my life. Curly blonde hair and a disarming smile…I felt like my face is turning red…

-I apologize…i heard you talking and i didn’t want to make you feel bad…your words touched me and i just couldn’t go. I’m really sorry. I’m Mark…you must be Isabel?

-It’s actually Alicia  Isabel. My mother used to call me Isabel. I guess you hear it all…i just made a complete fool of myself…

-No, don’t say this! I was afraid i’m gonna start to cry…i grew up without my parents, they died in a car accident and i miss them terribly. I’m sorry, don’t know why i’m telling this to you.

I looked in his eyes, he seemed so friendly and honest…for the first time in my life i felt completely lost in front of a man…not knowing what to say or do.

-So, you’re from Lacoste? i asked thinking that’s the most stupid thing i can say…

-No, Isabel, i’m from London. I work in a hospital and i’m also a Red Cross missionary…I’m here with a few friends visiting La Cote d’Azur. And to be honest, i saw you going in this church and i just couldn’t stop following you here…now  i made a complete fool of myself…

I smiled to him wiping away my tears…

-When i first saw you…your eyes…you look like an angel and for a brief moment i though…

-That i’m an angel? Isabel…that’s the sweetest thing i ever heard. No…just an ordinary man. Can i give you my phone number? I really want to talk to you again…

When he opened his wallet i saw there a picture. It was Jesus and His Heart…

-What’s there? I had one like this when i lived with my mom…

-What? Divine Mercy? It’s something i always have…it makes me feel more in peace with myself, knowing how much He loves me…You had one too?

-Yes, and a necklace too, with a medal with two hearts and a few letters written…can’t remember. My mom always said i’m protected wearing it…but when me and my dad moved away…he didn’t allowed me to take them…i remember how much i cried…

-My God…Isabel, i had no idea…

He took me in his arms holding me tight. I felt like i never wanna let him go…my mind was telling me he’s a stranger but in my heart i felt like he’s what i’m searching for so long…

-I wanna give you this…

He gave me the little picture with Jesus…the Divine Mercy…

-And i think you need also this…

In that moment i saw it…he was wearing the same medal…the memories came back with a force that took my breath away…

-Mark, this is…

-The Miraculous Medal. And yes…you are protected when you wear it, your mom was right. It’s yours now…

-No, Mark, i can’t…you don’t even know me, how can you give me something so precious?…

-I have this feeling that you need it more than i do…I don’t know why, i just feel this…anyway, i have another one at home, so we’ll wear the same Medal, like a connection between us. Now…do you want me to help you with the necklace?

He touched my hair and slowly lift it. His fingers touched the back part of my neck…i tried really hard to not let him know the sensation he was creating in my body…I turned slowly, looking in his eyes. I wanted to thank him but i felt like crying…

-Now it’s perfect…let me wipe away these tears.

He touched my face so gently and pulled me closer to him…he leaned on me still looking in my eyes. I felt my heart beating so fast as he pressed his lips on mines kissing me with a tenderness i never felt before. I touched his curly hair letting him kiss me with passion, feeling my body trembling and my heart ready to explode…it felt like my first kiss…like my first love.

-Isabel, i don’t know how or where…but i have to see you again…promise me you won’t forget…

-Never…i’ll never forget you or the Miracle you made me live today. I…

-tell me…

-I love you…

He took me in his arms again and held me for a few more precious moments before he left…taking my heart with him.

(to be continued)