This ain’t a love story…

“Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias
Mis ganas de vivir la vida
Devuelveme el aire…
Carino mio, sin ti yo me siento vacio
Las tardes son un laberinto
Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor…”

(Son by Four-“A puro dolor”)

Belle…love of my life…

Your curse functioned…i lost my peace of mind, my peace of soul..forever…My dreams are haunted by demons and the days…empty…and everything i touch turns into dust…And i have no right…i’m the sinner here…I broke your wings and I convicted both of us to living hell…Baby, if i could turn back time…

Belle…it seemed so easy to lock the door…just turn around and fulfill my dreams…now i wish i had one more chance to say to you: please, never leave me! My heart told me to stop you and i ignored…the “superior” reason won and now i’m lost…Tell me how to convince myself to wake up in the morning, knowing you’re not here beside me…tell me how to forgive myself…

You cursed me to a long life in misery…i’m already there, missing my Sun, my Joy, my Life…missing you with every piece of my broken heart. I’m such a fool…how could i try to save the world when i can’t even defend my love…Forgive me…or ask God for my forgiveness…cause He’s not answering anymore…My Angel…please…ask Him to release me from this cold, empty world…

Mark

I tried to ignore the tremble i felt inside me. Control yourself…words can’t touch you…words can’t harm you anymore…

-What do you say, Alicia…it’s probably a mistake but i wanted to be completely honest with you, so…when i saw the mail…

-Delete it! Phillipe, i’m starving…what’s for dinner?

-Wait…didn’t you read it? He wants you back, he’s regretting the moment when he took the money…my money…

-So what? He’s rich now…he’ll find some comfort…when he’s tired of playing hero…

He came closer and took my face into his hands. Looking deep in my eyes, touching gently my lips…

-Alicia…why are you like this? You think i like it? I know you’re hurting…i know you loved him and maybe you still do…i rather see you crying over him…

-I’ll never cry again! Never! Look…you’re my husband…the man who loves me, who cares for me…the man who’s holding me every night and the man who’s making my dreams come true. I belong to you…this is my place. On the other hand…Mark…who’s Mark?

-No one…

-Exactly! No one…so, my love…can we just forget him and concentrate on much more pleasant things…cause if you’re not taking me to dinner…at least take me to bed…

He carried me to the bedroom and everything seemed normal for a while. Because in my world normality is different from other’s normality…and this makes her precious and rare.

Me…my life…my world…who am I? No one…

Exactly. No one.

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Stronger…

“WOMEN WHO HAVE MADE MISTAKES
ARE A LITTLE AFRAID
THEY DON’T LIKE TAKING CHANCES
SHE WILL PLAY THE WAITING GAME
SHE’S NEVER IMPRESSED BY THE MANLY ADVANCES
I KNOW I’VE JUST MET YOU
MAYBE I SHOULD KNOW BETTER
BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY
THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE THAT’S SO RIGHT”

(Tina Turner-“I don’t wanna loose you”)

-I just spoke to Brice…it’s a poem, a goth poem inspired from a medieval story. So, it’s not about you…or me! There’s no evil forces ready to take you to the darkness, my princess! Just me…more than ready to take you to bed…

I started to laugh. He was charming, as always, knowing exactly what to say to ease my tension. The hot shower made my skin warm and soft and i knew how much he loves the scent of roses from my favorite perfume…I wanted to look beautiful for him, knowing how much he’s trying to make everything perfect for me. The room was gorgeous…the modern designs combined with the medieval style, all white…

-Alicia…you look amazing…

He was in front of the door and his eyes were proving me he really mean it…he seemed fascinated and that made me feel so proud of myself…

-Wait, i’m not ready yet! I didn’t brushed my hair…

-Let me do that…it will be my pleasure…

He took the brush from my hand and held me close leading me to bed. I sit there, relaxed…he started to brush my hair and the sensation was incredible…

-You like it, princess?

-Phillipe…i feel so relaxed…i don’t even know when i felt like this in the past…i guess…never before…

-good…that’s the way you should feel…no silly painting will change that…

-i’m sorry for believing that it was about us…

-you know…when i saw that scared look on your face…you’re not afraid, aren’t you, Alicia? I want you to tell me that you trust me…

-i do…i trust you completely…i’m here…i’m still here…because of you…you know it, that night…when Peter tried to…i just wanted to die…

-don’t pronounce his name in my presence!

The sound of his voice was changed…he stopped brushing my hair and now he turned me to look directly in my eyes.

-…no, Phillipe…i want you to know something…it was not only about that night…I felt so hurt because he never tried to talk to me after that…not a single call…after eight years of relationship…and knowing how much pain he caused me…he didn’t even cared if i’m alive or dead…

-he did.

Phillipe said this in such a normal tone…i started to wonder if i heard it right…He pushed me gently against the pillow, holding my body tight and looking straight into my eyes.

-I will tell you once…and then i don’t wanna hear a single word about him. He called you many times that night…i blocked all the calls but i did send him a message…that if it will be one more call…i’ll ask for a restriction order…

All the information was too much…i felt overwhelmed. I tried to get up but he was holding me close to his body…her hands were caressing my skin an he continued to talk calmly…

-and there were a few messages as well…i erase them all…pathetic, don’t you think? but no more of this…you’re mine and i wanna make love to you…

-Phillipe…you had no right…i can’t believe what you just told me. I trusted you with my life and you lied to me like this…let me go! I’m going home right now!

He looked at my without any intention of letting me go. Holding my hands so strong, i knew i had no chance and for a moment i wondered if he could be able…but this time i didn’t felt panic…just anger.

-You will let me go right now…or you’re not man enough to have a woman without forcing her? At least Peter had an excuse, he was drunk. Yes, Peter! Did you heard me? I just pronounced his name! Now what you’re gonna do? Force me into what? I feel pity for you…you don’t stand a chance in a fair fight with me…

He released my hands and started to laugh so hard…

-And guess what! I’m not yours! Never was and never will be someone’s toy…Now why the hell are you laughing?

-Alicia…princess…you’re so beautiful when you get angry! So rebel and disrespectful…What will i do with you? I really don’t stand a chance…

-What do you mean?

-You wanna feel loved but when i love you…you want your freedom! You wanna be happy but you’re not letting the past go! You told me to let you go…but you’re still here…half naked…the most beautiful woman i ever saw in my life. Those sparks in your eyes…so much anger…so much passion…Now, my beauty…you’re in control! I’ll give you ten seconds…if you’re still here after this time…i’ll take the liberty to explore that sexy body of yours and i swear i’ll make you bag for more…

-I’ll never bag…

His words were the complete shock to my ears…My own reaction were betraying me, because in all this time…i didn’t felt any fear or any pain. I felt anger…of him, or it was the old bitterness that i collected from my relationship with Peter? I didn’t wanted to go home…i wanted to stay and explore this new feeling…my ability to go beyond the “victim stage”. It was all about having control over my emotions…

-Too late…time expired! Now don’t start to struggle or i’ll think you like some kinky role-playing…

-Phillipe…there’s no role-playing here…i want you…i want this to be right…

His kisses and the way he touched my body…with the passion and desire i dreamed about…but still so gentle, like touching the open petals of a rose…That was all the reassuring i needed. And my own responses…all the anger turned into pleasure…

There’s something i learned from all those years of feeling helpless…When you feel like a victim, you’ll only attract two kind of partners: the aggressor and the savior. And it’s very easy to confuse them…

So…what’s beyond “the victim stage”? Freedom? Love? Both?…

Just wanna feel alive…

“Fallait pas commencer m’attirer me toucher
Fallait pas tant donner moi je sais pas jouer
On me dit qu’aujourd’hui, on me dit que les autres font ainsi
Je ne suis pas les autres…”

(Celine Dion-“Pour que tu m’aimes encore”)

-Your friends are so nice! How could i ever thank them for the gifts and the flowers…

-And for that red wine who brought back the color to your face, my sweet Alicia. Not to mention this lovely drawn that their daughter made for you…

-That’s my favorite! She’s so talented…and she’s only 8…she even wrote on the drawn our names…

-You are so great with children, you’ll be an amazing mother some day.

-I want this more than anything…Phillipe, if i could change all i have for a baby, i would without any regret.

I was lying in his arms, feeling his warm skin, his sculpted body. His hands were caressing my hair making me feel more relax than ever. Feeling his warmth breath on the back of my neck, the goose bumps appeared on my skin. He smiled and started kissing my shoulders…

-i wanna take you upstairs and make love to you…

I tried to concentrate to say something but all i could do is to put my arms around him as he was carrying me upstairs…

The room smelled like roses, there were flowers all over…in the light of the candles, he looked more attractive than ever before. I couldn’t take my eyes from his body…it was fascinating to see him like this. I felt like dreaming…closing my eyes and feeling every touch, every kiss…

He stopped for a moment, looking deep into my eyes while his hands were taking off all of my clothes…it was the moment i felt so afraid of…being in intimacy with him, letting him know my body…i felt so vulnerable…The look in his eyes was all i needed…so much desire and so much love…

-you are so beautiful…

His hands were so gentle and his kisses so passionate and i wanted this moment to last forever…i felt my body responding with a sensitivity i didn’t even knew i could feel it. I wanted so much to feel our bodies becoming one…but the same time i knew i’m about to give my heart and my soul too. The way we were making love…it was so complete, so perfect…

-baby…you got scared…i can feel you’re afraid…we can stop if it’s too much…

-no…i don’t wanna stop…i wanna be yours…i feel like my heart belongs to you…

-you are mine…you’re so precious to me…i’ll be so gentle with your heart…and i make you feel like you’re the only woman on earth…close your eyes and let me feel like i’m a part of you…

I closed my eyes, letting all the passion and the pleasure to take control over my body and mind. He was right…there was no pain, no hurt, only pleasure…And love…i felt like for the first time i can give myself completely to a man. No hesitation, no looking back…we were both lost in our passion…with no need to justify anything, not even to ourselves.

I looked into his eyes still trembling, still amazed by the intensity of what i just felt. He smiled and kissed me, wiping away the tears from my eyes.

-i love you…i never felt that before…Alicia…i know those tears…they are because you feel so much…it’s new to you to feel this way, right, baby?

-yes…i don’t even know how to described it…you’re my everything…

-baby…i wanna tell you something. It’s about my past…some things i did…you know what i’m talking about…you asked me so many times and i avoided because i thought i’ll lose you…but now you need to know…

-no, Phillipe…mon amour…please, don’t do this…i don’t wanna know…

I felt the panic of losing him, of losing the man i was starting to love.

-one day, baby, you’ll wish to turn back time and to listen the truth. I’ll never hurt you…but i’m not the man you think i am…my life was pretty dark for a while…you sensed that in me…

-the only thing…the only truth i know is that everything i touch turns into dust. And every time i try to give my heart…i’m just dying inside…and now you wanna tell me about you…when i just felt like i’m breathing again…

I started to cry in his arms.

-Phillipe, tell me what’s so wrong with me…why every time…every man…is just hurting me…i just want to feel loved…and even you…i don’t wanna feel this pain anymore…it’s probably me…i’m not worthy of anybody’s love…

He pulled me closer to his body.

-baby…please don’t cry…forgive me…i wont say a single more word. You’re so silly…how could it be anything wrong with you?…you’re perfect…you should have all the love in the world…look in my eyes…baby…no more tears, ok?…i”ll do all…i’ll give my best to be the man you need…the one you deserve, just please stop breaking my heart like this…

I felt so tired of all the strugle…all i could do is close my eyes and feel his heart beating next to mine.

-promise? i asked with a sleepy voice…not a single word…and you love me?

-Alicia, my love…yes…i love you…you’re completely safe with me…

Deep inside my heart i knew the truth. And he knew it too…I’m never completely safe…

But for now it’s enough to hear him say this…

And maybe if i’m repeating often enough…i’ll end up believing it too.

You’re all i need…tonight

“You might think i’m crazy
to hang around with you
maybe you think i’m lucky
to have something to do
but i think that you’re wild
and inside me is some child
you might think it’s foolish
or maybe it’s untrue
you might think i’m crazy
but all i want is you…”

(The Cars-“You might think”)

I dreamed about that for so long…your arms around me…i wanna feel like this forever…Peter…my love…when you touch me like that…this sensation is driving me crazy…

-Alicia…Aly…wake up! Are you all right? You know how late it is? You worked till now? Aly…

I opened my eyes…still dreaming. Half awake, half asleep…the sensations of me and Peter making love were very much alive. I still felt them on my body…the dream seemed so real. And now…I could feel his hand gently caressing my hair, trying to wake me up.

-Wh…what happened? Peter? I thought you left…i think i felt asleep…i said with a sleepy voice.

-It’s late…almost midnight…i saw the light and you were sleeping…i heard you talking in your sleep…

I felt like suddenly blushing.

-I can’t remember what i was dreaming…but now that you’re here, do you wanna see how much i progressed? You’ll be proud of me…

He looked deep in my eyes and smiled at me. Then he gently touched my lips stopping me from talking…

-I’m very proud…but for today your work is over…the last days you worked all the time…no break…No wonder you’re so tired. And your hands are so cold…let me get you a blanket, this dress it’s much too…

-I’m fine, don’t worry…

He founded a blanket and place it on the couch. Then, with no warning, he lifted me up, took me in his arms and lied me on the couch. Still holding me, he made himself comfortable…The couch seemed to have much to little space…i could feel his body and the beatings of his heart. And his smell…It was all so familiar, so safe and still so exciting…

-There you go! Do you feel a little warmer? Is it ok? he asked me with a deep voice, holding me close and rubbing  my shoulders.

-Peter, we shouldn’t…we just broke up…i’m so confuse when you’re…like this…

-Tell me, Aly…isn’t it better like this? Just the two of us…no lawyers…no trials…no arguments. We could be like this…and i know you wanna work here with me. I saw that spark in your eyes when you came with your great idea…by the way, you’re brilliant…Did you felt how good we are together?

-I did…and yes, i wanna work here, i just though that it would be so hard to see you…because every time we talk…

He looked deep in my eyes, then his eyes went down on my lips, back to my eyes…i felt like loosing all my resistance…Running his fingers trough my hair, his eyes were undressing me…and when he finally talked, his voice sounded incredible sexy…

-Wanna tell me about your dream? The one that made you whisper my name…i saw it in your eyes when you woke up…tell me…i wanna make it real for you…can you feel how much i want this…

He took my hand and made me feel his desire…my thoughts were running wild inside my mind…i was feeling the same need…my body was so sensitive to his caresses…his kisses on my neck…on my shoulders…

-Your skin is so soft…he whispered in my ear…i wanna kiss you all over your body…

I felt like electricity pulsing through my skin…the need of feeling him completely was taking control over my judgement. I had to stop this before it could be too late…I knew i have to say it…

-Peter…

-I love the way you’re pronouncing my name…

He felt my hesitation…He stopped for a moment, just to look at me and to kiss me passionately…

-You’re so beautiful when you’re like this…Aly…i don’t wanna stop…i need to make you mine…don’t you feel the same…your body can’t lie…just don’t say no…i can feel how much you want this…let go all the tension…i won’t hurt you…never…

I closed my eyes trying to imagine how this could be forever…not just for one night. I felt the same emotion…the same ecstasy…like when it was my first time…just the pain was different…this time i felt it deep inside my heart.

-It was incredible…don’t know how to say this, Aly, but…it was almost like…you were different…like when we started…it was so long since the last time i felt so excited…i just couldn’t stop…how could this be possible…

-Aly? Honey? Is it something wrong? Because something is changed about you…

Nothing. Everything.

What’s the name of the game?

“Maybe you were right, but baby i was lonely,

I don’t want to fight, i’m tired of being sorry…”

(Enrique Iglesias-“Tired of being sorry”)

He was trying to look serious…Not a chance!, I said to myself…this is my kind of game…

-Come and get it from me if you want it…i said with a glorious smile,

-Give me the key! C’mon, Aly, i will be late! And i promised your father to stop by. Your parents are worry about you…they don’t even know where you are…

-Look…the key…and look what i’m doing with your key…take it if you dare…i can show you where i’m hiding it…i said placing the key in my bra…

-Now you’re challenging me! Let’s see…i’ll take all of your clothes…and then…the key…

-Now you’re getting! Finally..Matt, let’s see…what would you say if i throw away the key…and you’ll be locked with me all day long…

-I would say that you’re crazy…and that i adore you…

Matt was getting closer…he looked into my eyes and smiled…i knew that smile…

-I’m better then you…i said jumping on the bed…catch me if you can…i bet you can’t handle me…i’m thinking of keeping this key to myself…my god…i lost it…i cannot find it anymore…you’re stuck with me…i was laughing while i continued jumping on the bed.

Partly, i was right…in my agitation, the key felt on the floor…only that he wouldn’t saw it…

Matt was trying to stop me from jumping…so i ended falling in his arms…as he was gently laying me on the bed.

-And now…let’s search for that key…he started undressing me with very slow moves, kissing every part of my body. The sensations were all new…like nothing i ever experienced with him before…it was breath taking…a feeling of being out of control…I remembered how intense we were…8 years ago…how much we enjoyed making love…but now was different, he seemed different somehow…

-I remember…Matt…i tried to say something but i couldn’t concentrate…

-Are you sure…Aly…there’s no way back…if you’re not ready, say it…cause you started something and i can’t stop…

But i felt so sure about this…so ready to take him back in my life…how could i let him go before…just feeling his body on mine’s, his breath going faster and the beatings of his heart…he wasn’t that boy i left eight years ago…he was a man…completely changed. I felt unable to recognize him…the passion, the pleasure…all so new…it felt almost frightening…like a game that i knew i’ll never win…but the ecstasy i was experiencing was much more then a game…

And i wonder how did i manage to transform my life into a game…was it the search for the perfect romance that brought me here? Was it my obsession for a man that couldn’t give his heart to me? Or just…me being afraid of the loneliness…and trying to go back in time to recover my hope and my dreams…

-Are you ok, baby? You’re so quiet…i hope you’re not having second thoughts about us…

-Are we back together, Matt? i asked him, hating my insecurity…

-Of course, silly…what did you thought? But i need to be sure…because if you’re playing again…

-Never again…i’ll never do what i did before…i’m sure about that.

He kissed me and looked deep into my eyes…like he was trying to see my soul…

And being happy was so strange to me…If this is a game, i really don’t wanna win…not if it means that someone  has to lose…

More than friends…(Part II)

“Wash away the thoughts inside

That keep my mind away from you,

No more love and no more pride,

And thoughts are all i have to do…”

(Josh Groban-“Remember when it rained”)

Laying on the bed, in the darkness of the room, surrounded by the moonlight and my favorite music, Matt’s presence seem the only real thing in the world…It was late in the night and the red dress was laying on the floor…i was wearing one of Matt’s white shirts, witch made me feel very close to him…I was only wondering what he’s thinking about…he was, after all, the perfect gentleman, carrying and protective, without a single word or intention of taking things a step further…he tried, because his body betrayed him, revealing me that he’s still very attracted of me…

He smiled, a charming smile that made me forget all my thoughts…

-Your turn…tell me about her…i asked trying not to spoil the magic…

-Her? You mean, my ex? Like you said…i wish that i could erase the last 8 years…and i know about the big mistake i did marrying her…if i only knew by then…

-Don’t say that…at least you have a child…a little girl…

-She’s seven…she’s the only reason for my marriage. After you and i broke up, i was…how to put this…i was confused…i met a girl, she got pregnant…end of story.

-But you divorced right after the baby’s birth. Why?

-Because i never loved her…i tried to do the right thing…young and noble…and foolish…

-Matt, i’m almost afraid to ask…your parents…they must think the worst of me…

-Well, Aly…to tell you the truth…

-Your mom still hates me? Like 8 years ago? he could read the sadness from my eyes…

-You know about my family, Aly…i don’t wanna hurt your feelings…i never hated you…and now you’re here in my arms…why does it matter?

-Right in this moment i hate myself…i hurt you and your parents…not to mention what i did after that…i’m horrible…

I started to cry and it was the most natural thing to let him hold me and comfort me…to feel his arms around me…

-I want you to sleep in my arms…just let me feel that we could be…once again…his voice was so reassuring…

-You don’t hate me? You’re not angry anymore? Matt, i just don’t wanna do anything to hurt you again…

-Aly…if you only knew…you talk about hate and anger and all i want is to feel you so close to me…to hold you and to dry all of those tears and to erase all the bad memories…and to make love to you…like you were always mine…my only love…

-I don’t know…

-Forgive me…i shouldn’t say what i said before…you’re hurting and i won’t do anything while you’re so vulnerable. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that i pressured you into..

-Can you just hold me? I feel so tired and all my decisions seems to be wrong…

I slept in his arms…it was like 8 years ago, but the feeling was still new and fresh. Is that what people call “falling in love”? Or was i just trying desperate to fill the empty places from my life?

The morning brought me sunshine…in my heart and in his smile. And, with the taste of fresh backed croissants and orange juice…life seem easier…lighter. He look at me like i was a miracle…i looked at him like he was my last chance, my savior…

-If you promise you’re not running  from my arms…i’ll tell you a secret…he said with a big happy smile…

-I promise…i smiled back to him…

-I think i’m in love…And it’s not Aly from the past that holds my heart…it’s you…the woman i see in front of me…I don’t want you to cry anymore…i don’t want you to try to change who you are…i don’t want a perfect girl or a perfect love…i need you in my life…

And without a single word, without a single thought…i kissed him…with all the passion and desire that can ever be in my heart…

His words…could they heal me? His kiss…could he protect me from my biggest threat? From myself…