Vanilla flavored

“I’d be smiling if I wasn’t so desperate
I’d be patient if I had the time
I could stop and answer all of your questions
As soon as I find out
How I can move from the back of the line”

(Emeli Sande-“Clown”)

-So…what did you thought when you saw my gift box with the pink ribbon? What did you imagined inside of it?

Phillipe started to laugh and i could tell from the look in his eyes that he’s happy, relaxed…it felt so good knowing i can make him feel like this, i really can bring these sparks in his eyes…

-Baby…the pink ribbon it’s one thing, but the scent of vanilla is the key here…the box has a strong vanilla flavor…so, i thought…

-Tell me…

-…a cookie, a teddy bear, even a pink underwear, for you to wear, of course…But, not in a million years…of course, i should never forget how surprising you are…Alicia…

I saw a shadow in his eyes and i put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. It felt amazing…having him so close to me made me realize how much i want him in my life…forever…

He continued with a tempered tone, like being afraid to say the words.

-Baby, please listen to me…it was amazing…it felt like a dream come true, like fulfilling a need i almost forgot i have. I felt powerful, i felt honored by your trust in me, i felt excited like never before…but i can’t stop asking myself…you did it only for me? You felt somehow constrained, like it is your duty? Because i don’t want you to feel this way…

-Phillipe, i’m going to be very opened about this, to be honest…when i bought the handcuffs i did it only to look at them…i never thought i’ll be brave enough or that i’ll trust you enough…Mon amour, for me it was a shock to find out that the man i’m married with…wishes something different in intimacy, something like bdsm…i felt betrayed, scared, lied, abused…

His eyes were expressing so much regret, it almost melted me inside to see him so sad.

-Alicia, princess…my biggest regret is that i wasn’t honest with you from the start. I should had done it…you needed your freedom to choose. Now i know…

-Hey…don’t be so harsh to yourself…no…you never told me but there were so many signs…i just refused to admit to myself. Or maybe i just dreamed about changing you…it was unfair to you. So, you’re Dominant…so what? I still love you, i still wanna be with you for the rest of my life. The pink handcuffs…i guess they were my way of telling you that i wanna make you happy. That i trust you with my life…i trust you blindly and that i respect your decisions…I’m only afraid…

I stopped for a moment. He took me in his arms, keeping me warm with his body.

-Princess…what are you afraid of? You think i could hurt you…

-I’m afraid i’ll let you down…you see, mon amour…i wanna make you happy, but regardless of how hard i’m trying, i can’t be submissive…is not about intimacy…is about every day…Deep inside of me, there’s a rebel trying to escape…i can’t lock this side of me forever. And i admit…i’m terribly afraid of pain…

-Baby…causing you pain it’s out of discussion…i love every inch of your body…i only want you to feel pleasure from being touched by me…Alicia…how could you think of something like this…no wonder you were so scared every time…

-and i’ll never call you Sir! I can’t, Phillipe…i look at you and i see my lifetime partner, my man, my love…not my master…

-I look at you and i see my princess…the most beautiful woman in the whole world, the love of my life, the mother of my future children…not my sub. See? We’re not that different…And tonight you showed me all i needed to see…why would i ever ask you to call me Sir? And how could I? When i worship the ground you’re stepping on…

I felt my heart filled with a new feeling…hope…trust…He looked in my eyes and started kissing my neck. His eyes were playful.

-So…there’s a rebel who’s trying to escape…a beautiful sexy rebel…you know what i do with them, don’t you?

-Don’t know…throw them to the fire?

-Of course, we can start a fire…if i’ll kiss you here…and then move my attention to this little spot…But when i’m that lucky…to have a rebellious princess in my arms…i usually start by seducing her and then…we’re gonna make love…did i ever told you that…the scent of vanilla drives me wild…pure passion in her sweetest form…

And here’s an option i never took in consideration: having a happy marriage…I was used to fight, used to escape, even if it was in a virtual world once…but i never even thought that I could be happy. I never gave him a single chance, i never gave myself a single chance. Programmed for failure…sett to identify an aggressor in every person who ever got near me…when maybe the real enemy was living deep inside my own mind… 

Beyond words

“If you’re a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You’re always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if for reasons, what you’re looking for
I’ll be yours…”

(Westlife-“Heart without a home”)

Mark took my hand leading me to the bed…the white sheets seemed to glow in the moonlight. The air was fresh with a flagrance of mosque and lavender, relaxing and exciting the same time. My heart was beating so strong and when my eyes met his gaze i felt lost in the color of the sky. He kissed my fingers and smiled…so reassuring and sweet…i smiled back at him, feeling my pulse racing and my heart so full…

“I have never saw you looking so beautiful…let me look at you…” and he pulled me closer to his body melting away any trace of resistance…my nightgown…the white silk fabric felt on the floor, letting my body exposed in front of him. He looked at me amazed…and i felt like, for the first time, i am revealing myself completely. Overwhelming…i looked down…

“Isabel…please don’t look down…i’m amazed by you…i feel the aching need to make you mine…do you love me…do you wanna make love to me as much as need it?…please tell me…my precious Isabel…”. I nodded, unable to speak…there’s no way…i’m not gonna ruin it with my fears, with my insecurities…So i just pressed my body against his…putting my arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily…my passion unleashed…my heart and my soul exposed…completely and deeply in love…

He took me in his arms laying me on the bed…letting his hands to explore…my body responding like a fine violin under his fingers…under his kisses. I felt like i’m in a warm place with gentle light surrounding me…giving myself to a passion and a desire so long forgotten…fulfilling any unexpressed need and desire…realizing that…there’s no other man…and it will never be another…

I whispered his name and he looked in my eyes with tenderness…i closed my eyes and he kissed me so gentle and so deep…”You’re trembling…My sweet love…don’t be afraid, i’ll never hurt you…we’ll do this slowly and gently…till you’re ready to feel more…open your eyes…there’s no threat…you’re safe here in my arms…”. I opened my eyes, stroking his back, letting him in…

And the gentle light turned into a fire burning inside me…like a volcano waiting to erupt…like fireworks deep inside my body…taking control over me, over my fears, over everything…reaching the intensity of a thunder and overwhelming like a hurricane…but warm and sweet like rainbows after the rain…And i knew without asking…he felt the same…he was there too…for a few minutes that seemed like a sweet eternity…our souls were connected…to a level we cannot begin to understand and explain. Pure pleasure and pure love…

And laying there…still lost in a far away dimension…i felt the warmth of my tears…Tears of joy…tears of wonder…because i never knew how love can be…how making love can raise someone’s heart to a point where there’s no return. “Isabel…what happened…come here, my beauty…my love…please don’t cry…it was…just amazing…you are amazing…”.

Trying hard to tell him how i feel…because words have no place in this endless and pure joy. But i saw his scared look…thinking he might had hurt me and i wanted to bring back the light…

“Mark…i love you so much and tears are…just because…i…never…I never felt this way…all my life searching and you brought me there…to that place…and i never wanna lose you…my life is depending on you and i’m afraid to feel and i’m afraid to say…you’re The One, Mark…My forever…endless love…that’s why…my tears…”.

He smiled and kissed me again, wiping away my tears with a gentleness and love i never experienced…

“My sweet silly Belle…how could you ever lose me? Don’t you know…my heart will stop in the moment you’ll leave me…This world…without you…is just an empty place…a place where’s no light, no joy…nothing to live for…Don’t you know it?”

i nodded…

“I tried so hard to help others, hoping and praying that my emptiness inside will became easier to bare…and all this time it became bigger…And i tried so hard to heal people…physically and spiritually…And you came and you took my heart and heal it…Is the truth…in a second you did what i couldn’t do in a lifetime…you made me feel complete…And i thank God for every smile i see on your beautiful face…Isabel…now you’re smiling…and you’re sweet and amazing and…You’re mine…”

Yes, Mark…I’m yours and i thank God for my chance to love.

In his arms…with him in my heart…chasing away all my fears and all my doubts. Ready…finally ready…to change the world…

To change my world…to heal my heart…to save myself…

Love of my life…

“You make me dream
By the look in your eyes
You give me the feel, I’ve been longing for
I wanna give you my soul
All my life
Cause you are the one I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been waiting for so long.”

(Scorpions-“When you came into my life”)

Undressing me with his eyes…holding me gently and still so tight in his arms. I know he can feel my heart beating faster and the warmth of my skin, like fire burning under his touch. His hands go slowly on my necked shoulders, while his warm breath on my neck is giving me goose bumps. He takes his time, never rushing these precious moments, savoring the smell of roses on my skin. My favorite perfume…cause every time i wear it my body feels mesmerized and i picture myself in his arms, making love…

He knows from the tremble of my body…he sensed what i want, what i’m longing for…He’s smiling, holding my face in his hands, his gaze going down on my lips. I remember the taste of his kiss…i wanna feel it again…I’m biting my bottom lip waiting, needing his touch…he’s caressing my hair making me feel safe and i wanna tell him…but his kiss surprises me…feeling his lips pressing against my lips, gently parting them and going inside…letting a soft moan escape when he feels the softness of my mouth. The hunger in his kiss makes my body responding and i’m melting in his arms. He’s having the total control over my senses, my body rushing into a new found sensation of pleasure…

Deep inside my conscious mind i wonder…does he really knows the power he has over my body and soul…can he really feel how i’m longing for his touch…his hands exploring my body, his mouth tasting, kissing, biting, teasing…letting all my inhibitions aside to give myself to him…completely and without any restrains…how could i deny him anything when he’s already having my heart and soul…the pleasure i’m feeling is beyond physical attraction…it’s the feeling of a spiritual bonding…It’s much more than making love…it’s letting him have the most intimate places in my heart…fulfilling all my fantasies and giving me the greatest gift: making him happy…

And sometimes i long for this…knowing that i brought a smile to his face, feeling his pleasure and desire. knowing he wants me just like i want him…there’s nothing i wouldn’t do to give him the feeling of fulfillment…being completely his is the safest feeling and the sweetest pleasure i ever felt…and when i’m lying in his arms, there’s no other place i could call home…and i never felt like this before…my vulnerability turned into strength…living and loving the way i know i can make him proud…

He’s the love of my life, my guardian angel and the One i never even dreamed to met in this lifetime. My love for him…beyond any reason or judgement, beyond any rule. Totally trusting, with a faith that amazes me…and getting stronger day by day. Love is giving, generously carrying and lightening the life of the loved one…

My love…Michael…this is for you…thank you for being here…for teaching me how to live beautiful and how to love completely.

Forever yours. 

Unbreakable

“You ask me if I known love
And what it’s like to sing songs in the rain
Well,I’ve seen love come
And I’ve seen it shot down
I’ve seen it die in vain .”

(Bon Jovi-“Blaze of glory”)

The darkness and the coldness of the night broke my eyes…i was cold and i was afraid. But i had to get out of the house! Too many shadows, too many doubts and a loneliness almost unbearable. I took the long road, not knowing where my steps will lead me. I didn’t even knew where i’m going. Pretending is just a night walk…pretending that my tears are caused by the cold wind.

The road became so familiar and, before i could rationalize, i was at his door. His house, our house…eight years of picturing in my mind how i’m gonna grow old there, surrounded by children and grandchildren…My fingers touched the doorbell…Nothing…maybe he’s not even there. And it’s better this way. Why should i share my memories with him…

-Alicia…Ali…what are you doing here? Where’s Phillipe? He’s with you?

Suddenly i realized the truth…i belong to another life now.

-Hi, Peter…i’m sorry…i shouldn’t be here…i started to walk and i found myself at your door. You know…my insomnia…i’m leaving now, sorry for bothering you.

He took me by my shoulders and leaded me inside. His warm hands in contact with my cold naked shoulders…i feel a shiver trough my body.

-God, Ali, you’re frozen! What was in your mind…in this silky dress with bare shoulders…you’re gonna catch a cold…i’ll get you a blanket…

-No…don’t go…can you hold me for a little while? And then i’ll go…

Without a single word, he took me in his arms, holding me tight and caressing my skin so gentle…making me melt inside. I rested my head on his chest sensing his perfume…re-living a long lost feeling. And letting my tears falling…

-Hey…Ali…what’s wrong? Something happened…he did something to you?

-no…

-Where is Phillipe? And why are you so sad, wondering around in the middle of the night? You’re getting me so worried…

I tried to catch my breath so i could say something, but my voice was like a whisper.

-He’s at a meeting…gonna stay there the whole night…and i…

I looked in his eyes, just to see if he heard me…meeting his eyes…he wanted to say something but he changed his mind…he took my face in his hands, wiping away my tears…leaned to me and in a magic moment his lips were pressing against my lips…soft and deep…turning an innocent kiss into a passion…I closed my eyes…living the moment like it were the last kiss on earth…with hunger and love…so much love.

-Peter…i wanna…

-Please…don’t go…i know it’s wrong and i should control myself better…

I stopped him from talking, pressing gently with my fingers on his lips. He kissed every finger…

-I know it’s crazy…Peter…but i want it for the last time…i wanna make love to you…one last time…

I looked at him and all the old feelings were there, in his eyes. Love, desire, passion…He lifted me in his arms…so soft and gentle, so reassuring…I felt the warmness of the fireplace and the sensations were mixing in my mind. The cold air made me tremble…for the first time since i got there i felt afraid…

-Ali…you know i wont hurt you…never…please, don’t be afraid…

I smiled at him…i smiled to myself, pulling him closer to me, giving myself to the feelings, to the pleasure, to the desire…He knew exactly how to touch me, how to kiss every inch of my body…touching my soul. And i felt like turning back time…eight years ago. The same innocence and the same urge to feel like i belong to him…like he and i were one body…one soul. And the intensity of the moment was strong like the eruption of a volcano and tender and sweet…like the song of a violin.

I stayed there with my eyes closed waiting for a miracle…maybe to find myself back in time…before all the madness started…when i still believed in love…His voice was so deep, touching my memories.

-I love you…after all this time…and i always will…

– It breaks my heart…Peter…why?

-why?…

-Why wasn’t i good enough? All these years i just wanted to be good enough…i never was…

The sadness in his eyes was tearing my heart apart. I saw tears in his eyes and a tremble in his voice.

-Ali…you were perfect to me. Eight years ago, when our story started, you were like a dream come true. So beautiful and innocent…so in love. With me…And in time…more i discovered you…more i realized that you’re just perfect to me. And i was afraid…

I looked at him and i only felt love. Not anger…not pain…love, only love…He continued with a strangled voice, like he was fighting his inner demons.

-…i was so afraid of loosing you…picturing in my mind the moment when you’re gonna leave me because you found someone better…And i felt like going crazy…i tried to put distance between us…hoping i’ll control better my fears. I pushed you away…till you lost every beautiful feeling for me. It burned my heart when i found out about you and Tony…but at least i had a reason to hate you…is this making any sense to you? Baby…it’s not about you…it’s about me…i was never good enough…that’s how i felt…

I searched for the right words, but all i felt was silence…overwhelming silence.

-please…say something…Ali…at least tell me you don’t hate me…

-no…i never hated you. My love…you’re still my love and you’ll always be…even in our worst moments…And tonight…you saved my life again. Peter…what am i going to do without you? I can’t…i just can’t…

He kissed my tears and held me tight till i stopped crying…till the tremble of my body melted into a warm sensation. And the darkness seemed less cold…making love in the sunrise…

The line between love and hate is so thin…Being safe or feeling frightened…starting a new life or going back in time…In the morning, all my confusing thoughts were shattered by the light of the sun. I knew i belong to another life. My life with Phillipe…

Because me and Peter…two kids building a castle of sand. The wind and the waves were stronger…destroying our dream. Peter just gave up…while I was pretending that my castle is unbreakable…

that my heart is unbreakable…

Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

Just a little human touch…

“Sometimes I think I’m going mad
We’re loosing all we had and no one seems to care
But in my heart it doesn’t change
We’ve got to rearrange and bring our world some love.”

(Scorpions-“Under the same sun”)

Les Baux de Provence

-I missed this house! The colors, the smell…everything! Remember, Phillipe…

-How could i ever forget our first time? Princess…the way you gave yourself…abandoning your body completely in my arms…the sweet look in your eyes…the passion and the pleasure…i felt like the luckiest man on earth! And the best part is that…every time is better…every time i want you more and more…

-Phillipe…

-I adore you…look how cute you are when you’re blushing like this! And your eyes…when you’re happy they are sparkling! I feel like throwing you on the bed…i swear that your sexy smile make me loose my sense of reality…

I wrapped my arms around his neck, gently touching his face, arranging his careless hair.

-I love you…i wanna make love to you…but you said about a special dinner…and i’m starving!

He started to laugh.

-Alright…i guess i can wait a little more. Alicia, can you go to the kitchen and announce the servant to set the table?

-I rather not…that girl, Anette…i think she don’t like me…Why do you look at me like this? No, i’m not afraid! Alright…i’ll go!

a little later

-Mademoiselle want the dinner to be served now?

I looked at Anette. She seemed around 30, looking still very young. I asked myself why can’t she find a better place to work. Serving Phillipe…that must be hard…

-Yes. And, please, Anette, don’t call me “Mademoiselle”. I’m Alicia, or you can call me Ali, like all my friends. We’re the same age, i think…

-Excuse me, mademoiselle, i don’t have time to small talks…

-You don’t really like me, do you? It’s alright…at least let me help you arrange the table. Give me the salad…

The look in her eyes was more than the words could express. She took the salad boll out of my hands with harsh moves.

-No! Because I know how Sir prefer to have the dinner! I’m on his service long enough to know about his preferences! What did you imagined? You thought you can come here and ordering me like you’re the lady of the house? I only listen to Sir’s orders! Not to some spoiled girl! Yes…you thought that if you’re sleeping with him…

The door suddenly opened and i saw Phillipe standing there. And by his expression i understood that he heard it all….

-What’s going on here? You…girl…how dare you raise your voice to my fiancee? And offending her like you did…you should be on your knees bagging her to forgive you!

-I’m sorry, Sir, i’m truly sorry! I shouldn’t said, but i got mad because she wanted to arrange the dinner table and i know you like it in a certain way. I promise you, Sir, this will never happen again!

-Did i gave you permission to speak?

His eyes were so cold and his calm seemed to hide an anger beyond humanly understanding. He looked at Anette like he just saw a trash.

-Pack your things. In 15 minutes i want you out of this house. And do not dare to look in my eyes ever again! Or to speak to my fiancee who, by the way, is the lady of the house! Now, get your garbage out of my house!

I saw her standing there, looking hurt but trying to keep her dignity. And suddenly something snapped inside of her mind and i was horrified to see her kneeling in front of him…

-Please, Sir…i bag you…i’ll do whatever it takes…i’ll work harder and i’ll never do that again. Please…it’s late…i have no place to go and you know about my mother…she’s sick…Please Sir…

-Well…you should had thought about your mother before! You only have 5 minutes left to leave this house! Start packing. Now!

I looked at him…how cold and cruel sounded his words.

-Phillipe…she’s on her knees…it’s not right…do something. Look, i already forgot what she said…it doesn’t matter and i’m sure she’ll try…

He interrupted me with a firm voice.

-Alicia, please go upstairs and wait for me there. You’re oversensitive about these things! And i don’t want you to mix with servants…ever again. OK, baby? Go upstairs…

I left the room feeling so sad…I heard her crying and i imagined how she must feel. And then, i saw her living the house and i couldn’t resist anymore. Running down the stairs…trying my best to catch her before she’ll go into the darkness…

-Anette…wait!

-What is it? You’re happy now? You wanna take a good look at me just to enjoy the view?

-No…let me help you! Here…take this money…it’s all i have now. You said you have no place to go…this will help you to pay a room at a hotel. And here’s my phone number…Please, call me…i have some friends and i think i can get you a new job. Please, Anette…let me help you…

She took the money and, for the first time, she looked at me friendly.

-Alicia…Ali…thank you! I…i don’t know what to say except that…i’m extremely sorry! I was horrible to you, and you were nothing but kind…I’ll call you…

I opened my arms and gave her a big warm hug, thinking how wrong can we act out of prejudices…And then, i turned back to the house.

a little later

-so…princess…you gave her all of your money…and you promised her a job…

-yep!

-and you left the house without saying a word to me…just to help a stranger. Of course…not any stranger…someone who offended you…

-again…yep!

-Are you out of your mind, Alicia? I’m serious now! Tell me exactly what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours!

-I don’t know, Phillipe…but i’ll tell you what’s in my heart and soul…When i saw her kneeling in front of you, my heart broke. It was the saddest thing i ever saw…and any offending word she might told me…it didn’t matter anymore. I felt like she’s loosing her dignity, her pride…

-Baby, servants are not supposed to have dignity and pride! She’s not the first woman kneeling in front of me or bagging…I love you, Alicia, but you need to learn to behave…because your admiration…your fascination toward people will cause you many problems. This need of yours to help and love them…why don’t you understand? They don’t deserve it! I’m the only one you should love and respect! And it’s the last time when i allow you to do something like this…

-You’re the only one i love and respect…Phillipe…can we be like…before? Can you hold me and make me feel loved and protected again? I feel so lonely and sad…i wanna cry and i have no more tears…I’m afraid to talk to you, to tell you how i feel…and i’m afraid to be myself…can you love me like before? Without all those cruel words…

He smiled at me and took me in his arms.

-My beauty…no more cruel words. I don’t wanna hurt you…sometimes i feel like you’re just a big child, completely blind to the darkness of this world. How could i be ever mad at you…when all i want is to make love to you…i never loved anybody like i love you…

Maybe i’m blind to the darkness around me. Or maybe…i just see the light in places where the others renounced long time ago to search it. The lost causes…how could i ever turn my back? If there’s a chance, just a little one, to turn someone’s life into better…how could i walk away without trying? How could anybody…

because i just feel i’m a lost cause myself…

How can i love when i’m afraid…

“When you looked into my eyes
And you said goodbye could you see my tears
When I turned the other way
Did you hear me say
I’d wait for all the dark clouds bursting in a perfect sky
You promised me when you said goodbye
That you’d return when the storm was done
And now I’ll wait for the light, I’ll wait for the sun”

(Madonna-“Rain”)

Laying in the jacuzzi…letting the hot water running down my body, while his warm hands were massaging my shoulders…i couldn’t remember the last time when i felt so relaxed. The scent of lavender oil combined with the rose petals and a glass of french champagne…I closed my eyes feeling his fingers gently touching the back of my neck…small goose bumps were forming in the warm little spot where my skin met his warm breath and his hungrily kisses…

-I forgot…

With lazy moves he moved his body so his eyes could meet my eyes…

-you forgot?

-almost…

His charming smile and the question in his eyes made him so attractive. He grabbed my chin making me look into his dark eyes…the eyes that always seems to capture my soul. He pulled me closer…

-What did you almost forgot, princess? Anything important?

-My life…before you…Who i was, what i felt…my friends…the family…they are so far away, like in another lifetime. I can’t remember myself without you…

He just smiled and kissed me with passion and hunger…creating shivers trough my body…his hands caressing and exploring…like discovering me all over again…the sensations were making me tremble…abandoning myself to him…to his desire…making love with a passion i always dreamed to live…

Opening my eyes slowly…i felt him carrying me to the bedroom, holding me close…

-How do you feel, my beauty?

-i feel…like i never want this to end…

-…happy?

-more than happy…Phillipe…i feel like meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me…

He became serious…like a sudden shadow took his smile away.

-Alicia…i need to know something…do you have any regret about us? If you could turn back time…

-i would change something…the fights, the anger…we should made love instead of fighting…i feel such a fool for not recognizing the true love…But why do you ask me this? And why do you look so sad…mon amour…what’s wrong? Something i did?

He took me in his arms and kissed me.

-It’s about what you said in the morning…about signing a prenuptial agreement…i was so angry with you for proposing me something like that…i didn’t had the chance to explain what i feel…

-Phillipe…i hope you know…i only wanted to make things right. I’m sorry for hurting your feelings…it’s just that my father accused me that i’m marrying you for your money…i was devastated to hear him talking like this. But why do you mention this now? I thought we’re ok…or, are you still angry with me…

-no, baby…i’m not angry…how could i be…is just that i have to tell you something…and it’s serious.

He looked at me and his eyes were so dark and cold…i couldn’t stand that look in his eyes…

-you’re scaring me…again…Phillipe, don’t look at me this way…

He held my face into his hands…making me look at him.

-Look at me. Alicia…I don’t wanna have this conversation with you again. We’re not signing a prenuptial agreement because we don’t need one. We’ll never divorce…i mean it. A marriage is over only when one of the partners is death. Do you understand me? It’s the only way a marriage should end…

I felt like falling down from the clouds. My euphoria replaced by fear…For the first time i started to see what the others were telling me all this time…maybe i don’t know him at all…

He seemed to melt seeing me so scared, trembling and with tears in my eyes. He tried to sweeten his tone.

-Baby…what’s wrong? Didn’t meant to scare you or hurt you in any way…

-it’s just that…i wanna love you, i really do…i wanna make love to you and be faithful to what we have…and i want a family…a child. But how can i go on if i don’t trust you…Phillipe, i’m afraid…sometimes i don’t recognize you…did you listen to yourself talking? Can you even control yourself? Or do you enjoy this? Fear, sadness, hurt…is this the way you want me to feel? Seeing me shocked and frightened…does this satisfy your need to control…? Are you happy now?

-No, of course no…

-Then stop it! Imagine what’s in my heart…i got no friends, my father doesn’t speak to me anymore, i’m tired and sad…and the man i love…the man i should trust…the only one who should be by my side to protect me no matter what…is suggesting me that…that…

I couldn’t speak anymore…the hurt inside silenced me, making me hate my own weakness. When i looked at him i saw in his eyes how sorry he is…i thought i saw him crying. Or i just saw my own tears?

The Inner Child

“I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.”

(Leonard Cohen-“In my secret life”)

-Maria, this is the best Tiramisu i have ever eaten! The best! Thank you so much! Please, give a big slice to Phillipe, he’s locked away in that office for too long…

-I can’t…Sir said he doesn’t want to be bothered…and he also told me to announce you to be ready in an hour. You know…for the business meeting.

-I will be ready, but…Maria, stop this nonsense with “Sir”. He’s Phillipe, my fiance, not some royal figure! If i call him by his name, you should do that too…because you’re like family to me…sometimes you were the mother i never had…Alright…no more tears! Really, Maria, if you call him “Sir” again, i’ll just ask him to call you “Lady”! Lady Maria…

She started to laugh but suddenly she stopped.

-Alicia, you’re like a child sometimes! And me…talking to you while i still have those dishes…

-Let me help you clean up the kitchen. Come on, Maria! You worked too much today and i’m boring…You sit down and i do the dishes! And you talk to me, that’s an order! Just kidding…about ordering you…i respect you too much to give you orders! Just let me help you! Please, pretty please, pretty pretty please…

She tried to look serious but i could tell she was smiling.

-That’s unacceptable! Sir…i mean your fiance was very clear about this! He doesn’t want you to work in the house. Alicia, if you care about me, just respect his demands. You know i depend on these money…not for me…it’s about my children…you know my situation. Tell me something…

-anything, my dear Maria…

-Why are you like this with him? Defying all the rules, acting against his decisions? Like a child who’s testing the limits…You love him, right? He loves you so much…and his requests are not that hard to respect. In the past, that was the only way for a woman. Respectful and loving…So, why are you like this?

-I don’t know…maybe i’m testing his limits. I love him and i trust him but sometimes…is like i see a different side of him. And it scares me…and i wish i could be sure before the marriage…Believe me, i tried to follow his rules. I can’t! And then i told him that my only rule is this: “I got no rules! Rules are made to be broken!”.

-Ali…i wish you could be serious for a minute. You know i love you like you’re my daughter. First time i saw you…you were 20, a child pretending to be a woman. Now you’re a woman pretending to be a child…

-God…Maria, remind me never to talk to you! How can you say those things? You’re hurting my feelings…

-I’m sorry, Alicia, but you need to listen. You wont survive in this marriage if you don’t change, just a little…You have an incredible man as your future husband, he cares about you, he placed your desires above his. Remember…we’re not equals…God made the woman in a certain form. You should show more obedience, more respect to your fiance. And you really have no reason to fear him…he’s so gentle and tender with you. Unless…you don’t love him…and your behavior is your way out…

I heard the door open and i felt relief to see Phillipe.

-Sir, can i serve you a piece of Tiramisu? Or do you prefer a glass of tonic water? Is just as cold as you always prefer it…

-Thank you, Maria, not now. I’ll call you in a few minutes.

He look at me and smiled.

-Alicia, can we talk in private? In my office…

I followed him and carefully locked the door behind me. He turned and i wrapped my arms around him, giving him my best smile.

-I missed you today…you’re working too much, i’m glad you took a break. Philipe…you’re upset? What have i done now?

-Baby, i’m not upset…it’s just that i don’t like when you’re so familiar with the servants. You seems to forget your place…And you know how i feel about that…is one of my…

-…yes, one of your rules! I know, i know! I broke some rules again! I never learn…and i’ll upset you again and again…cause i just wanna break another one! A big one!

-Let’s hear it! You got that sexy smile, wrapping me around your little finger…

-Well…what about this…i never made love in a lawyer’s office…all these secret files so well placed…just makes me wanna lay down on this table and let you see my wild side…what do you think…

-…i think you just got yourself the right to break every rule you want…as long as you’re doing it this way…Alicia, baby…if you knew how much i love you…

-show me how much…make love to me and make me forget about rules or limits…

But can i ever forget about rules? My inner rules…how many times i broke them already? And how much pain it caused me acting this way? Maybe Maria is right…maybe i am a woman pretending to be a child…still laughing, crying, wondering and gazing at this big wild world…Against all imposed rules!

So hard to say good bye…

“Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I’d give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man.”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

Saint Tropez, France

I looked into his eyes…so much tenderness, so much love…like all the darkness, all the coldness was left behind. For the first time i became so aware of the reality: this is the man i’m about to marry…this is the real him. And his arms around me, caressing my skin and kissing me so passionate, this is reality…

-Baby, what are you thinking about? You’re smiling…but i can feel you’re so far away…

-You know…this time i’m not far away…Phillipe, i feel like i’m falling in love with you…and i can’t believe it took me so long to feel…it’s so amazing to be with you here, seeing you so happy and relaxed…i wanna be with you, just like this, forever…I’m just so sorry for all the struggle and fights…

He stopped me from talking kissing me gently…

-I already forgot them…it doesn’t matter…because all i ever wanted, ever since i saw you for the first time, was to be with you…to have you in my life. And i’m the first to admit that i made mistakes…but you’re all i love, all i have in this life. I know…that’s no excuse for pressuring you like i did…but at least we’re happy now…and i’m gonna spend the rest of my life making you happy…

-sometimes i feel it’s a dream…

I felt tears running down my cheeks. I needed to cry…because finding love means giving up everything else.

-I know it’s hard for you…Alicia, i know how much i’m asking from you, but, baby, you’ll see it’s for the best. I want you to stay focused on us…and not to give your energy to people who don’t even care about you. Do you understand me? Those relationship are fake…we are the real thing…

-It’s just that…i lost so much already…i alienated so many people and i miss them terribly…Liz and Tony, Tess, even Helen and Bryce…little Robby…and Peter…

-of course, Peter!

I felt him suddenly tense and angry.

-No, i didn’t mean it like that…Peter is nothing more than a part of my past…it was hard to see him lowering himself like he did…but at least he’s getting help now…i lost my admiration, my respect for him, that’s painful. In an ideal world…

-In an ideal world, your father would support us and he would be happy for you…he would never accuse you of selling yourself…and in an ideal world, your friends would be the firsts to encourage you to marry the man you love. But instead…they are telling you to be careful…like you’re in danger with me…Baby, this is not an ideal world! This is reality…and in real life we’re making choices…you gotta choose…

-I’m choosing you, Phillipe…with all my heart and soul…even if is tearing me apart to make choices like that…and i know there’s no guarantees…but i need you to say the words for me…will you, my love?

-Yes…with all my heart and soul…Alicia…this will be forever…no matter what, i’m not gonna loose you again…I’m not letting you go, not even if i had to fight with the whole world…there’s nothing…absolutely nothing is too much…if in the end i’m with you!

Accepting my own decision…living with their consequences. Is that a mature way to live? In a perfect ideal world, there’s no choices…because everything is made out of love. But we’re living in reality, and sometimes fear, jealousy or insecurity run the show. Saying good bye to my past, to my former relationships…is this really possible? Only time can tell…

Wash away the pain inside…

“You’ve carried on so long,
You couldn’t stop if you tried it.
You’ve built your wall so high
That no one could climb it,
But I’m gonna try.”

(Labirinth-“Beneath you’re beautiful”)

His voice seemed to come from another world…

-Ali…did you listened to me? I mean…i don’t need an answer right now…and i don’t wanna pressure you. I’m not even sure you understood me. Just say something, it’s driving me crazy seeing you so quiet and sad…

As much as i tried to speak, the words don’t seemed to find their way out. Deep inside my mind i still hoped it’s a dream…more a nightmare…but it will end in the morning and i’ll be glad that it was only in my mind. No…he was as real as it could be. Bryce…but it couldn’t be…Not in a million years…i never would guessed that one day he’ll be standing in front of me telling me…what? He’s in love…

-Look, Bryce, i just think you’re confused…you’re tired and depressed and it’s normal to feel this way, considering what you’re going trough with little Robby…in fact, you should be there, supporting Helen…

-I am not tired or depressed! And the only one i should be with is you! Ali…this is wrong! Look at me, can’t you feel it? The chemistry between us…we could be perfect together. My marriage is long gone…Robby will get better and you and me…we could be a family. You, me and little Robby…

I couldn’t believe my own ears…

-You’ll destroy Robby’s world! Do you realize what you’re proposing me? We’re not two irresponsible teenagers…Helen loves you and she deserves an honest try from you. And Robby needs both of his parents. Together…And me…I’m engaged to Phillipe. Remember him? The guy who used to be your best friend! The one who payed for Robby’s treatment…

-He only did this to impress you, Ali! To make you accept the engagement…it’s his style…he wants something and he get what he wants! Regardless of everybody’s feelings. He alienated you from your friends…from your family! He’s pressuring you into a marriage you’re not ready for! He’s taking away, step by step, your freedom to choose, to think, to feel…

It was too much to hear…i closed my eyes trying to stop my tears. This was a fantasy too…like the other fantasy: that Bryce and Helen are my friends! They never were…so how could it hurt so much to loose something you never had? He tried to hold me in his arms but i pushed him away. No, this is not happening!

-I’m learning to love him! Day by day…i’m learning…

He seemed to accept the idea…He gave me a piece of paper.

-I’m gonna leave now. Read this, i wrote it for you…and if you ever change your mind…

All alone, i opened the letter…

I saw you in the darkness…in your sleepless night

Too tired to fight the demons around you, to frightened to search for light

He promised you love and peace of mind…and now you’re lost in the storm

There’s no dreams, there’s no hope, there’s nothing warm…


With slow, robotic gestures i started to rip the paper into small pieces, till there was nothing left to read. The poem was much longer…

I heard the door opening and there was Phillipe, staring at the little pieces of paper around me.

-What’s this?

-Nothing…Phillipe, can you hold me tight, really tight? I need to know that you love me…

He took me in his arms holding me tight, like i wanted. I smiled trough my tears thinking that he’s here…he’ll never leave me…

-Wanna talk about?

-No…

He looked in my eyes and smiled at me.

-Good choice! He’s not worthy! And, baby, next time…use the fire! Burn all the garbage and clean your mind from all the bullshit you had to hear…

-You know?

-Alicia, you still don’t realize…everything about you is important to me. I may be difficult, but i love you like no other will…You are very important to me…Now, get ready for our trip. We’re leaving early in the morning and i don’t wanna hear that you’re tired.

-No other will…

-what?

-…love you like i do…

And i meant it…i looked with sadness at the pieces of paper around me, thinking about my life and how i wanna live from now on. Pieces of my broken heart…who really cares, who really knows? Just because a few letters can be put together, forming a word…that doesn’t mean you can really read it…