Beyond words

“If you’re a heart without a home
Rebel without a cause
If you feel as though
You’re always stranded on the shore
Like a thief in the night
Let me steal your heart away
Baby if for reasons, what you’re looking for
I’ll be yours…”

(Westlife-“Heart without a home”)

Mark took my hand leading me to the bed…the white sheets seemed to glow in the moonlight. The air was fresh with a flagrance of mosque and lavender, relaxing and exciting the same time. My heart was beating so strong and when my eyes met his gaze i felt lost in the color of the sky. He kissed my fingers and smiled…so reassuring and sweet…i smiled back at him, feeling my pulse racing and my heart so full…

“I have never saw you looking so beautiful…let me look at you…” and he pulled me closer to his body melting away any trace of resistance…my nightgown…the white silk fabric felt on the floor, letting my body exposed in front of him. He looked at me amazed…and i felt like, for the first time, i am revealing myself completely. Overwhelming…i looked down…

“Isabel…please don’t look down…i’m amazed by you…i feel the aching need to make you mine…do you love me…do you wanna make love to me as much as need it?…please tell me…my precious Isabel…”. I nodded, unable to speak…there’s no way…i’m not gonna ruin it with my fears, with my insecurities…So i just pressed my body against his…putting my arms around his neck and kissed him hungrily…my passion unleashed…my heart and my soul exposed…completely and deeply in love…

He took me in his arms laying me on the bed…letting his hands to explore…my body responding like a fine violin under his fingers…under his kisses. I felt like i’m in a warm place with gentle light surrounding me…giving myself to a passion and a desire so long forgotten…fulfilling any unexpressed need and desire…realizing that…there’s no other man…and it will never be another…

I whispered his name and he looked in my eyes with tenderness…i closed my eyes and he kissed me so gentle and so deep…”You’re trembling…My sweet love…don’t be afraid, i’ll never hurt you…we’ll do this slowly and gently…till you’re ready to feel more…open your eyes…there’s no threat…you’re safe here in my arms…”. I opened my eyes, stroking his back, letting him in…

And the gentle light turned into a fire burning inside me…like a volcano waiting to erupt…like fireworks deep inside my body…taking control over me, over my fears, over everything…reaching the intensity of a thunder and overwhelming like a hurricane…but warm and sweet like rainbows after the rain…And i knew without asking…he felt the same…he was there too…for a few minutes that seemed like a sweet eternity…our souls were connected…to a level we cannot begin to understand and explain. Pure pleasure and pure love…

And laying there…still lost in a far away dimension…i felt the warmth of my tears…Tears of joy…tears of wonder…because i never knew how love can be…how making love can raise someone’s heart to a point where there’s no return. “Isabel…what happened…come here, my beauty…my love…please don’t cry…it was…just amazing…you are amazing…”.

Trying hard to tell him how i feel…because words have no place in this endless and pure joy. But i saw his scared look…thinking he might had hurt me and i wanted to bring back the light…

“Mark…i love you so much and tears are…just because…i…never…I never felt this way…all my life searching and you brought me there…to that place…and i never wanna lose you…my life is depending on you and i’m afraid to feel and i’m afraid to say…you’re The One, Mark…My forever…endless love…that’s why…my tears…”.

He smiled and kissed me again, wiping away my tears with a gentleness and love i never experienced…

“My sweet silly Belle…how could you ever lose me? Don’t you know…my heart will stop in the moment you’ll leave me…This world…without you…is just an empty place…a place where’s no light, no joy…nothing to live for…Don’t you know it?”

i nodded…

“I tried so hard to help others, hoping and praying that my emptiness inside will became easier to bare…and all this time it became bigger…And i tried so hard to heal people…physically and spiritually…And you came and you took my heart and heal it…Is the truth…in a second you did what i couldn’t do in a lifetime…you made me feel complete…And i thank God for every smile i see on your beautiful face…Isabel…now you’re smiling…and you’re sweet and amazing and…You’re mine…”

Yes, Mark…I’m yours and i thank God for my chance to love.

In his arms…with him in my heart…chasing away all my fears and all my doubts. Ready…finally ready…to change the world…

To change my world…to heal my heart…to save myself…

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Love of my life…

“You make me dream
By the look in your eyes
You give me the feel, I’ve been longing for
I wanna give you my soul
All my life
Cause you are the one I’ve been waiting for
I’ve been waiting for so long.”

(Scorpions-“When you came into my life”)

Undressing me with his eyes…holding me gently and still so tight in his arms. I know he can feel my heart beating faster and the warmth of my skin, like fire burning under his touch. His hands go slowly on my necked shoulders, while his warm breath on my neck is giving me goose bumps. He takes his time, never rushing these precious moments, savoring the smell of roses on my skin. My favorite perfume…cause every time i wear it my body feels mesmerized and i picture myself in his arms, making love…

He knows from the tremble of my body…he sensed what i want, what i’m longing for…He’s smiling, holding my face in his hands, his gaze going down on my lips. I remember the taste of his kiss…i wanna feel it again…I’m biting my bottom lip waiting, needing his touch…he’s caressing my hair making me feel safe and i wanna tell him…but his kiss surprises me…feeling his lips pressing against my lips, gently parting them and going inside…letting a soft moan escape when he feels the softness of my mouth. The hunger in his kiss makes my body responding and i’m melting in his arms. He’s having the total control over my senses, my body rushing into a new found sensation of pleasure…

Deep inside my conscious mind i wonder…does he really knows the power he has over my body and soul…can he really feel how i’m longing for his touch…his hands exploring my body, his mouth tasting, kissing, biting, teasing…letting all my inhibitions aside to give myself to him…completely and without any restrains…how could i deny him anything when he’s already having my heart and soul…the pleasure i’m feeling is beyond physical attraction…it’s the feeling of a spiritual bonding…It’s much more than making love…it’s letting him have the most intimate places in my heart…fulfilling all my fantasies and giving me the greatest gift: making him happy…

And sometimes i long for this…knowing that i brought a smile to his face, feeling his pleasure and desire. knowing he wants me just like i want him…there’s nothing i wouldn’t do to give him the feeling of fulfillment…being completely his is the safest feeling and the sweetest pleasure i ever felt…and when i’m lying in his arms, there’s no other place i could call home…and i never felt like this before…my vulnerability turned into strength…living and loving the way i know i can make him proud…

He’s the love of my life, my guardian angel and the One i never even dreamed to met in this lifetime. My love for him…beyond any reason or judgement, beyond any rule. Totally trusting, with a faith that amazes me…and getting stronger day by day. Love is giving, generously carrying and lightening the life of the loved one…

My love…Michael…this is for you…thank you for being here…for teaching me how to live beautiful and how to love completely.

Forever yours. 

Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

I wanna change my world…

“I wanna hold you close
Under the rain
I wanna kiss your smile
And feel the pain
I know what’s beautiful
Looking at you
In a world of lies
You are the truth.”

(Westlife feat. Diana Ross-“When you tell me that you love me”)

Eight years ago…

-Tell me about him…this guy you’re in love with…you said he’s older? How much older?

-Like 30 and something…

-C’mon Aly…you know exactly how old is he…you said his name is Peter? Wait a minute…he’s…

-I know, dad! Now you’re gonna give me the speech about how he’s gonna use me and i’m gonna get hurt. And how i need someone more close to my age…a nice young man from a nice family…

-Sweety…you’re only 20…you’re smart, beautiful and you have your future ahead. You really wanna be in a relationship with a 35 years old man? What do you think he wants from you? A family? I’m sorry i cannot agree to this!

-I didn’t ask for your opinion, dad! We love each other, there’s nothing you can do about that…

-You love him, i can imagine that. He has style, charisma, experience…he makes you feel important…but have you ever wondered what is gonna happened when he’ll get bored? Because in a few month he will…

-I can’t believe that! So, you don’t think he can love me? Because i’m so unattractive and boring, right? I’m so lucky to have your money…other wise no guy would ever look at me! It’s so good to know the way you really think about me…

-Aly…you misunderstood me. You’re not the problem here…he is. You’re too good for someone like him…

-You know, dad…i heard that a thousand times before! No one is good enough for me! I think i’m old enough to make my own decisions! He love me, he told me that…it’s all that matters to me. And if you’re not ok with this…it’s your problem! Peter and I we’re gonna get married and have children some day…

Now…

-Alicia…did you heard any word i said to you? I know you’re tired, but as soon as you sign this, you’re free! You can forget all about him and concentrate on your real future. You talked to your father?

-Yes, he’s so happy…it’s like his dream to see me working in his company…away from Peter and modelling…

-away from a toxic and abusive relationship, Alicia! And away from a world that can only harm you…you know i’m right!

-…so, tell me…how much is my dad paying you? All the investigation…and baby-sitting me…pretending you’re my friend, gaining my confidence. And one more thing…the seduction was a part of a plan? The red roses…they must costed a lot. And what you said…you’ll have my heart before having my body…so romantic. My dad knows about this too? If i wanna sleep with you…how much is it? Tell me, Phillipe…am i rich enough or should i borrow some money from my dad?

-I understand you’re upset…but i won’t allowed you to talk like this to me…

-Really? And what are you going to do about this?

-Listen to me and listen very careful, Alicia. I told you the truth. Your father hired me when you started dating Matt again. Because he knew about his past…My job was to make sure he wont be around you anymore, witch i did. But then you showed up…in my hotel room, crying in my arms. And the image i had about you was changed completely. After your father told me many times how immature, impulsive and spoiled you are…it was like a revelation…

-What do you mean by revelation?

-About myself…that i can love again. Seeing you so hurt with tears in your eyes, feeling your body trembling in my arms, knowing how deep and beautiful can you really feel…i didn’t cared anymore about your father, it was all about you. To love you…protect you, even from yourself if i have to…And i lied to you…it was wrong, i know, but it was not a crime. So, don’t punish me for carrying! And don’t insult me anymore, i wont take it, not from you, not from anybody else. I’m not your enemy…

-I almost believe you…

-Come here…i wanna feel you in my arms. Close your eyes…everything will be ok, i promise you this.

-Because you’re here to save me, right?

-…because i’m here to make sure you’ll never feel like a victim of your own destiny. This is not an option anymore. I’ll give you the power to control your life. And the will to do it…

Say it…like you really feel it

“Take me back in the arms I love,
Need me like you did before,
Touch me once again
And remember when
There was no one that you wanted more…”

(Celine Dion-“To love you more”)

He grabbed my waist and pulled me closer…his hands holding me tight, his eyes looking at me with a wild hungrly desire…I felt like melting in his arms…Then he grabbed gently my face, running his fingers trough my hair…i looked into his eyes…they were exploring my lips…He leaned and pressed his lips against mine’s, making me tremble…he softly opened my lips, using his tongue to play with my mouth…holding me so close to his body…kissing me with passion, slowly and deep…our tongues making love…Overwhelming, sweet, tender and exciting…my eyes were closed and my body was trembling…when he was letting me go, the feeling of being incomplete was too much to bare…

Why did i accepted? I knew i cannot hide what i feel…what i still feel…How did i ever agreed to see Peter? On that beach…our beach. Yes, i had all the reasons in the world. I wanted to tell him myself about me and Matt…about my decision to leave the agency…i wanted to convince him about my contract without lawyers…I was rational thinking that two people that loved each other once could take these decisions together…

And he listened to me calmly…even when i mentioned about Matt. He didn’t reacted when i told him that i want to break our agreement and leave the agency…At some point it seemed to me that his look was darker…but i said to myself that i’m imagining things…And yes, deep inside i wanted him to be jealous, to feel angry, just to see that me…that us…it’s not something meaningless…

But that kiss…

I stared at the water feeling the panic growing inside me. What am i doing? I can’t…it’s not just about me, it’s Matt…how could i do that to him?

Peter broke the silence:

-You signed a contract, Alicia, you gotta respect it. Unless you want a legal trial that can last longer that the contract itself. I understand if you don’t want to see me…we’ll find a way to avoid each other, but the contract stands…

-Peter…how can you be so cold? We just…I’m so angry with you now!

I didn’t felt anger…just pain…burning pain inside my heart.

-I’m cold? Tell me…how quickly did you replaced me? We broke up and suddenly you’re with someone else…Did you even loved me? Do you love him? Did you loved any of those guys that you slept with while we were…Just don’t make me say it!

I felt like suffocating…

-I only loved you, but you were never there for me…All i wanted was a life with you, a family. And to hear you say that you love me…

I started to cry. He lowered his voice…

-I can’t deny…i still want to hold you…i still wanna take you home…It’s hurting me to see you crying. But you talk about having a family…i can’t lie to you…i don’t see us like that…and i’m the only one to blame here…

He tried to touch me…i pushed him away and turned my back at him.

-Leave me alone, Peter. I think i hate you right now…I don’t ever wanna see you…i’m sick of being around you…do whatever you want with the contract…sue me…just don’t make me look at you again…

I heard his steps moving away and when i was sure that i’m alone i cried all my tears…

I heard my phone ringing…it was Matt. For a second i though of not answering, but…

My voice betrayed my inner torment…

-Aly, baby…what’s wrong? You’re crying…Tell me he heaven’t done anything to you cause i swear…

-No, Matt…he just don’t want to broke the contract and i have to…

-Just stay there…don’t move…i’m there in a minute…

And he was there…like he always is. He held me and wiped away my tears. And then he insisted to hear all about my conversation with Peter…and i told him what i could told.

-Aly…tell me the truth. I feel like there’s something more…like he hurt you somehow…You’re devastated and i know you…it’s not the contract…i want to hear all…

-Yes, Matt, there’s more…we…i mean he tried to…to kiss me…but i didn’t…

-Aly…you’re saying that he…He was forcing you? That bastard! I’m gonna find him and…

-No, Matt…don’t do that…it wasn’t like that…i need you to stay with me…

-I’ll never leave you…and from now on you’re not dealing with this by yourself. We’re together…we’ll find a good lawyer…please don’t cry…it’s breaking my heart to see you like this…

I smiled to him trough my tears…I reassured him that i’m ok…hoping and praying that he’ll believe me…

I made him promise me that he won’t do something impulsive…

And i said to him I love you. I said it like i really meant it. And i almost felt it…

(Love)It’s just a simple word…

“Oh girl that feeling of safety you prize
Well it comes with a hard hard price
You can’t shut off the risk and pain
Without losin’ the love that remains
We’re all riders on this train…”

(Bruce Springsteen-“Human touch”)

-You said you wanna talk, i’m here…even if i shouldn’t be.

She looked tormented, nervous and troubled, like she were on the verge of breaking down. Sleepless, tearful nights…i thought seeing  her eyes. Liz was standing in front of me…i invited her to coffee, trying to see if there’s something there i could save…our friendship..her sanity…my conscience…

-Liz…last time we talked you asked me if we can be friends again. I missed our talks…and i was hurt and i thought…

-say no more…I’m so relief, Aly, you’re my best friend…

And like nothing ever happened, she hugged me, erasing all the lost time. My best friend…

-You’re not mad because of me and Peter?

-You’re not mad because of Second Life? We started laughing so hard. We were talking the same time, same words, same friendship.

-Ok, i’ll start, i said with a happy smile. I overreacted… about you and Peter. I’m moving on, i’m having a new beautiful relationship, Peter belong to my past. And if you got any feeling left for him, maybe…

-No, Aly, Peter was a big mistake. I knew even when we were…in fact he was only thinking of you…so…And i’m terribly sorry for saying all those horrible things about you playing Second Life. I was unfair…

-Now, stop it…you’ll make me cry…How are you, tell me honestly, Liz.

-I won’t lie to you, Aly, i’m still hurting, but it’s a little better then 3 weeks ago. And i’m trying to move on. But enough about me, tell me all about…

-About Second Life? I’m sorry to say this, Liz, but it’s only a game for me. I mean…i know how serious was for you…you considered moving to his country…and then all those lies…Now i understand you better, but i…

-You’re not as stupid as i was, Aly. And probably you’re blocking everything because what was happening before, with that man…

-Don’t remind me! And you were not stupid, just vulnerable…The truth is that Second Life is full of lies…beautiful words, but that’s it…only words. I have met great people, great friends, the kind of people who could easily be my friends in real life too. But i have met troubled ones…sad ones, looking for love without even knowing the meaning of the word. Lonely, angry of them past or ex-partners, full of prejudice and so full of them…And when something like this happen, when i met someone like that…i’m sick and tired of Second Life…

-And the romance? You never felt like…

-I never felt in love…yes, i experienced the romance, i usually say i’m addicted of that…and it’s true…God knows, Liz, maybe i don’t have the capacity of falling in love…

-No, you don’t wanna fall in love there, believe me! One broken heart is enough! But you’re still playing, right? Even if i feel you’re a little …

-Second Life it’s a beautiful game. You can meet great friends from all over the world…and even if i say it’s a game, that doesn’t mean that i’m not carrying  for them. It’s the drama that i don’t like…

-I have to ask you…you ever talked to…

-Your love? No, Liz, and please trust me, i wont. You describe me that man like the type of player that could say anything just to get you where he want…And i think he’s not worthy of my time and energy…

-Aly…i admire you so much…you’re so sure of yourself…if i could be like that…

-Don’t admire me…i feel guilty sometimes…i really don’t wanna hurt no one and it’s so hard to distinguish between truth and lies on Second Life. Does he really care or it’s just the routine to get lay…I think that the most dangerous thing is to search love in these kind of games. You know what i mean…the true love…

-I did that…i know. And talking about true love…i’m with someone really special. I’m starting to love him, Aly, it’s amazing. And he talks about family and kids…even if we’re just at beginnings…

Matt showed up…seeing me with Liz he seemed so relief…

-Finally…you girls are so impossible sometimes…best friends, but they don’t talk…he start laughing. Liz, did Aly told you about us?

-Yes, Matt, congrats to the hottest couple of Monte Carlo! You and Aly did the miracle and turned back the clock! Eight years!

Yes, we did the miracle! Matt and I…we found each other again…my never-ending love. Could it be?

Liz and I…another life-lasting relationship…Could it be?

Could love be more then just a simple word? In real life…

Because i’m still playing Second Life. I’m not worried about being addicted. I’m only worried about my burning desire of taking off the mask…Just once…in Second Life. Could it ever be possible for me to really feel…?