Her blue heart…

“Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible…”

(Shontelle-“Impossible”)

-Ali, you’re not yourself anymore! You dress different, you talk different…and the look in your eyes, like you’re not there anymore…What happened to you? Phillipe…i know he has something to do with this cause, ever since you came back from London, you’re a different person! Ali…you’re not listening to me…

-Look, Peter, i’m tired…so, why did you wanted to see me? To convince yourself that i’m a different person? To see me with your own eyes…you saw, now leave me alone…

I really felt tired and sad. He tried to take me in his arms and i pushed him away. No more…

-See…this is exactly what i mean! You push me away, you push everybody else away…You don’t laugh anymore, you don’t cry anymore, you’re silent and cold. Remember a year ago, we were planning Christmas and you were dancing out in the street…I took you in my arms and i said “Alicia, you’re gonna catch a cold…” and you kept dancing and you said…

-“How could i catch a cold if i’m wearing a volcano in my heart?” i said with a sad smile.

-Where’s the volcano? Where’s the passion…Ali, i’m extremely worried…i wish you just talk to me. I wish i could just see in your eyes, just one more time…

…The girl i used to be…wanna hear a story? A really sad one? About a girl who had it all? Money, a family, beauty and the love of her life…Yes, she felt in love once and he wanted her. They moved together and she dreamed of a life with him. She dreamed of children and grandchildren…Eight Christmases, that’s all she had with him. Every one had a different color. The last one was blue, like his eyes. Like her heart…

No one told her how to fix her heart. She tried…in other arms…she tried to make it right again. But her broken heart broke even more. “A blue heart is still beautiful”. That’s what she kept repeating to herself…till she couldn’t stand her own lies. And one day, he noticed…and he took her heart in his hands, he put a nice blue ribbon on and he just returned the broken gift…”Take it back, it wasn’t mine…it was never mine”…that’s what he said…Another lie, a cruel and cold lie…

The girl tried to escape from the pain inside…in the only place where she felt safe. In her own mind, in her own imagination…she felt it so real…What if…and this thought gave her wings…what if true love belongs to a virtual place? Than this man…who said “i love you”…may he be the One? If love cannot be found in real world…

Mean while in reality…someone saw her blue heart and decided he wants her. A blue heart for his own private collection. He was rich, he thought he could buy it. But her heart wasn’t for sell…it’s priceless and it only comes as a gift. “Princess, i never lose and i have every right to fight using everything and everyone to win this blue heart of yours. So, just say it, i would pay any price…your life? A child’s life? Your father’s company? Name the price and i’ll pay it!”…

She should had run away…but deep inside her heart she was a warrior and she decided to stay and defend her freedom to chose. Poor girl, so full of herself…She never knew that she’ll be the one paying the price. Her soul, her life…her freedom…

And i can’t remember if she finally gave him her heart, or if she’s still searching for someone who can fix it. All i know is that he still call her “princess” and he still says he loves her. And he’s still willing to give anything, to pay no matter how much to have her. Does this mean she’s precious? It should count for something…

-ALI! You realize you’re not saying a damn thing? Girl…if you’re not going to tell me right now what’s in your mind…

-Do NOT shout at me, Peter! Do NOT give me orders! Do you understand? I’m not your sub! If you really wanna know, i was thinking that this is my first Christmas without you…

-Awww…i’m sorry, Ali…i know, baby, it’s hard for me too. But you’re happy with your husband, right? Phillipe is treating you right? And lately, every time i see you two together, you seems so in love with him…always kissing and cuddling…

-That’s true…he’s my husband and i love him with all my heart. My blue heart…

Yeah, right…

This ain’t a love story…

“Vida, devuelveme mis fantasias
Mis ganas de vivir la vida
Devuelveme el aire…
Carino mio, sin ti yo me siento vacio
Las tardes son un laberinto
Y las noches me saben
A puro dolor…”

(Son by Four-“A puro dolor”)

Belle…love of my life…

Your curse functioned…i lost my peace of mind, my peace of soul..forever…My dreams are haunted by demons and the days…empty…and everything i touch turns into dust…And i have no right…i’m the sinner here…I broke your wings and I convicted both of us to living hell…Baby, if i could turn back time…

Belle…it seemed so easy to lock the door…just turn around and fulfill my dreams…now i wish i had one more chance to say to you: please, never leave me! My heart told me to stop you and i ignored…the “superior” reason won and now i’m lost…Tell me how to convince myself to wake up in the morning, knowing you’re not here beside me…tell me how to forgive myself…

You cursed me to a long life in misery…i’m already there, missing my Sun, my Joy, my Life…missing you with every piece of my broken heart. I’m such a fool…how could i try to save the world when i can’t even defend my love…Forgive me…or ask God for my forgiveness…cause He’s not answering anymore…My Angel…please…ask Him to release me from this cold, empty world…

Mark

I tried to ignore the tremble i felt inside me. Control yourself…words can’t touch you…words can’t harm you anymore…

-What do you say, Alicia…it’s probably a mistake but i wanted to be completely honest with you, so…when i saw the mail…

-Delete it! Phillipe, i’m starving…what’s for dinner?

-Wait…didn’t you read it? He wants you back, he’s regretting the moment when he took the money…my money…

-So what? He’s rich now…he’ll find some comfort…when he’s tired of playing hero…

He came closer and took my face into his hands. Looking deep in my eyes, touching gently my lips…

-Alicia…why are you like this? You think i like it? I know you’re hurting…i know you loved him and maybe you still do…i rather see you crying over him…

-I’ll never cry again! Never! Look…you’re my husband…the man who loves me, who cares for me…the man who’s holding me every night and the man who’s making my dreams come true. I belong to you…this is my place. On the other hand…Mark…who’s Mark?

-No one…

-Exactly! No one…so, my love…can we just forget him and concentrate on much more pleasant things…cause if you’re not taking me to dinner…at least take me to bed…

He carried me to the bedroom and everything seemed normal for a while. Because in my world normality is different from other’s normality…and this makes her precious and rare.

Me…my life…my world…who am I? No one…

Exactly. No one.

No more illusions…(Part one)

“If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There’s no price I won’t pay
To say these words to you ”

(Bon Jovi-“Always”)

London Heathrow Airport

-And you made me run…just to find out that the flight is delayed…

-yes…i’m sorry…

-Don’t be silly…i’m so happy to be with you anyplace, even in a crowded airport…even if my hair is a mess…Mark…now you should tell me that is not…a mess…Mark…do you hear me?

-you’re beautiful, Isabel…

I felt nervous. He was silent and preoccupied, his tone was too serious…I tried to look into his eyes but he kept avoiding me…i tried to touch him but he seemed lost somewhere…in a cold place. I finally gave up…

-Mark, i can feel you’re upset…i wish you could trust me…tell me everything. My love, i hate seeing you so sad…is tearing me apart. Is it because of me? Because i cried in the morning…i feel so stupid now, but my insecurities are taking control from time to time…i’m sorry…i promise you i’ll be strong and brave. Once we’ll arrive in the camp i’ll learn everything you want me to learn…i’ll be the best nurse you can possibly find and i’ll love those abandoned children…Just don’t look at me like this…i’m not afraid of anything as long as i’m with you…Mark, please…

I touched his face and sensed the trace of tears on my fingers. He took me in his arms and held me so tight…

-Mark, you’re scaring me…

-Sit down…i need to tell you something, Isabel…you know how much this work means to me…and sometimes we need to sacrifice our dreams, our illusions for the greater good…for those less fortunate…

-yes…but i’m already doing this…

-Just let me say this to you…is the hardest thing i ever did…Isabel…we don’t know each other that well…our love is young and maybe in time you’ll end up regretting…anyway…i have the chance to do something for them…something that will change their future…building a future…Do you understand me? Is not about giving them food or healing their wounds…is about turning their life…Isabel…the price is high and is breaking my heart…

-What do you mean? What price? You’re talking about…

-Everything in this world is build with money…like it or not…Yes…someone offered me the money i need to build a future for those children…first i refused but then i remember their eyes…Isabel…you’re gonna be fine…i’m the one who’s burning in my own hell right now…

-I don’t understand…Mark…someone gave you money? Who? And why are you so sad…what’s the price…

-Isabel…it’s about you…I spoke to your husband, he’s coming here to take you home…he made a generous donation…and i don’t have the right to refuse…the children deserve a future…

My mind refused to accept it…my body felt the pain before my brain could process the information…A steamy sharp pain in my head, in my stomach…a dark coldness above my eyes…I tried to speak…to cry but i couldn’t made a sound…crying inside, consumed from inside out…And then it hit me…the truth…Phillipe is coming here…Mark sold our love…he sold me…right after i gave myself to him…all of his promises…nothing…His voice sounded cruel and cold…

-Belle…this sacrifice will be rewarded…you’ll see…God will bless you with love…you’ll have the family you always wanted…

And right there, i felt like something very strong is rising up inside me. Something dark and lonely…hate…taking control over me. I took out the Divine Mercy necklace and place it in his hand. He was looking down…

-Here…take it…i don’t believe anymore. You know Mark…you probably think you’re saving the world. Poor idiot…Your pride is your own personal way to hell…I’m already there, my love…waiting for you. Damn you! I wish you a long life…in pain and misery…look into my eyes. I curse you…may you never find peace as long as you live…

-Isabel…

-No, no more! My name is Alicia! Isabel died today…and you know what? Is better this way…

I turned my back and i rushed outside…the rain felt hot on my skin, the sky cried along with my broken heart. And suddenly i felt so lonely…i felt like losing my mind…my knees melting and i found myself on the street…laying down in the cold rain…

I felt someone’s arms around me lifting me…his arms…he gave me his jacket to keep me warm and leaded me to the car…his hands holding my face, his eyes, burning dark…like the darkness from my heart…

-Hello, Alicia…you seems lost…

-Phillipe…

(to be continued)

An endless aching love

“It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It’s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It’s the one who won’t be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin’
That never learns to live.”

(Bette Midler-“The Rose”)

I woke up in the smell of fresh baked cheese pie and coffee. A gentle knock on the door…my sleepy mind recognizing Maria’a voice.

-It’s alright, Maria, please come in!

-Good Morning, Alicia! Hope you slept well.

-What time is it? My God…is almost 11…why did you let me sleep for so long?

-Sir said you need rest. Here’s the breakfast, Sir also told me to serve you here…and he wanted me to give you this…

Yes, Phillipe’s style…33 red roses and a note: “To my beautiful wife, my sweet sleepy princess…hope i have something to do with that smile i saw when you were sleeping…And remember we have a date. I love you…PS: wear the white dress and let your hair flow on your shoulders.”

I smiled…he can be so sweet sometimes. Maria was heading to the door.

-Maria, please, can you stay with me? I don’t wanna eat alone…

-Ali…you know how Sir thinks about our conversations. And it’s late…you should eat and start preparing for meeting your husband at lunch.

She left…i felt sad for losing Maria, this distance seemed impossible to bare. And then i remembered about the video cameras hidden all over the apartment and i understood…she needs to keep the distance in order to keep her job here.

two hours later

-Alicia…you look amazing! Breathtaking! And you are wearing exactly what i told you…

I smiled and kissed him, touching his cheek with my fingers.

-Thank you, mon amour…the roses are beautiful. Did i really smiled in my sleep?

-Princess…it was the sweetest smile i ever saw. You looked like an angel sleeping in my arms. Of course, my thoughts weren’t exactly religious…

He grabbed my hand, kissing my fingers. I felt lost in his eyes, so black and deep…like desire turned into fire.

The waiter came to us.

-A salad for the lady and two “house plates” without garlic.

-Phillipe…i just had breakfast…

-Baby, you’ll eat the salad, that’s all. Hope you don’t mind, i invited someone at lunch.

-Who?

-Remember the story with Annette? I found out about the guy she wanted to fool…unfortunately he was already in Monte Carlo and i thought it would be nice to invite him…after all, he came a long way…

I felt shocked…Mark is here! I’m gonna see him…and he doesn’t even know…I didn’t had time to analyse. In a moment, i saw him…the old familiar sensation of being touched by an angel.

-Can’t believe it! Isabel…i had no idea you are here!

Phillipe looked surprised.

-Well, well, well…i was going to introduce you to my wife…looks like you two have a history. I wanna hear all about.

They shake hands and the image seemed unreal. I felt incapable to move, to speak…just starring at them.

-Alicia, honey…i wanna hear the story. When did you two met? Or is it some love story you cannot talk about. C’mon…i’m not that jealous…

I tried to speak but Mark took the initiative, saving me from my own blockage.

-Before turning a normal situation into something weird…Me and Isabel met at the church. We were going to the same church…so we met once and i introduced myself.

Phillipe started to laugh.

-See, baby, it’s not that hard…from the look on your face i could swear you were at least lovers. Here’s…the salad…Alicia…you didn’t said a single word…

-My fault…Phillipe. She’s probably afraid to tell you, but i had a little crush for her…of course, i didn’t had a chance, she was already in love with you. You’re a lucky man.

Phillipe looked in my eyes and his gaze seemed to burn my soul.

-I know i’m a lucky man. And i completely understand how you felt, Mark, after all, for me it was love at first sight…It took me some effort to convince her to be my wife but we’re happy and trying to conceive our first baby…

-Ohhhh…congratulation. I’m really happy for you…Alicia.

His blue eyes looking in my eyes…smiling but behind that smile was so much sadness. I was sad too…the whole situation was weird. There were so many things i wanted to say to him…Why did you never called me? Our kiss meant nothing to you? How can you be so cold…when i thought you’re my angel? 

-Phillipe, i have to go…

He grabbed my hand forcing me to stay.

-Alicia…you’re being impolite. Sit down and finish your salad! You’re acting like a spoiled little girl…

The last words were almost a whisper, but it was enough to make me shiver inside…And the way he was holding my wrist, almost hurting me…Mark saw…or he sensed the tension…

-Phillipe, thank you for the invitation…but i wanna see Annette before going back to London. I think she has the right to an explain…

-A gentleman till the end…

an hour later

-So, what was this all about? Alicia, i’m angry with you, you better say something!

-What do you want me to say…

-The truth! What was with your behavior…you were never so impolite! And stop crying, i’m not impressed!

But i couldn’t stop crying…the walls seemed to collapse over me and i felt my heart smashed inside. The hotel room seemed to get smaller as he came closer, pressing my body against the wall and holding me firmly.

-You…you’re going to…to hurt…me?

I couldn’t even speak…i wasn’t afraid…i just wanted him to know…his normality wasn’t mine…never was and i knew for sure it will never be…Something was touched inside his soul, because he was letting my hands and grabbed my face gently, looking very concerned.

-Baby…you’re afraid of me…Now i understand…you had that reaction because you knew that Mark was in love with you and you were afraid i’ll do something…My sweet princess…you’re still afraid…i can’t believe how stupid and insensitive i can be…and how much i hurt you. Look at you, you’re trembling in my arms, tears running down your face, asking me if i’m gonna hurt you. I rather hurt myself, baby…

He laid me on the bed touching me gentle, running his fingers on my skin…kissing me deeply…

-baby…if you’ll say no…i’ll stop…but i need to feel that you’re mine…i wanna make love to you…

And i wanted with all my heart to make him feel like i’m his…to erase all the memories and let myself fall in love again…all over again…

Unfortunately, even roses faint away in cold and darkness…

Too late…much too late

“You became the light on the dark side of me”

(Seal-Kiss from a rose”)

The shadows dancing on the window…the sound of silence shouted out loud in the darkness of the room. Home alone…hiding away from my own thoughts…from my own fears. A strange feeling guided me to the place where i kept it. “The girl who’s running to the seashore”…didn’t knew at the time how true will became…how did he knew…why did he cared…

And there was another paper…my tears made the letters almost impossible to read but…

“Sometimes i’m passing by some old road leading to the Castle

Hoping with all my heart to meet you again

I feel like i know you since another lifetime

And still…i never had the courage to tell you the truth…

Your heart has the color of the soft blue sky

In your stillness i hear the music of Heaven

In your angelic eyes i saw a soul made of gold

And still you’ll never know the fire you created inside me…

The moment i saw you at the crossroads,

I already felt it’s too late…

Too late to see you…too late to love you

And now only time can bring me comfort and peace…

And still…you’re alive inside me…

Your memory is still there, burning my heart

I would give anything…my years, my life, my soul…

Just to find you once again. 

And no one will ever know, my love…

And maybe you’ll never be mine

I feel like i love you from another lifetime…

My tragedy…our tragedy…how could you not know…

Not know that my love for you will change destinies…

And still…i was never brave enough to tell you the truth…

Now is too late…much too late”

Bryce

I looked again at the painting. Bryce was always trying to tell me something. The truth…about him? Or about Phillipe? Or about myself…

I heard the front door open and i knew instinctively…i have to hide it…the paper, my tears, my questions…

-Alicia…you’re still up? Baby, so sorry it took me so long to get home…Imagine…a room full of lawyers and not a single person able to bring a strong argument to the case. Emotions, egos, lack of control…You could call them “lost souls” but even this is too metaphoric to them…Baby, what’s wrong? You’re tired…or did you cried? Let me see your eyes…yes…you cannot hide it…

-It was nothing, Phillipe…foolish thoughts. You know…my dad and the company…it doesn’t matter…you’re here now…

-Are you sure? You know you can tell me anything…

-Yes, i’m sure…

Nothing in this life is sure…There’s nothing we can take it for granted…Because sometimes it’s just too late to tell the truth. And what will be your choice then? To continue with a lie…possibly breaking a heart at the end…

…or to tell a truth much too cruel to be told…

And yes…sometimes you just need to read the empty spaces between words, in order to understand the hidden messages…

When there’s nothing left to say (Part II)

“How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home.”

(Evanescence-“Bring me to life”)

-This must stop right now! All of this!

I looked around me trying to sound sure of myself…deep inside my soul i was having second thoughts. No one knew i’m here, in Peter’s home. Not Phillipe, anyway. He told me to stay away from Peter, but how could i…seeing that girl so hurt and bruised…knowing he did this to her…Hard to watch, impossible to forget…

Peter seemed sober enough to listen to me, but bored enough not to care about anything i could have said. He managed to clean the house, but i saw the last nigh’st traces. I was so sad watching him lowered himself to that level…i tried to sweetened my voice…

-Peter…you said you care about Estelle…she’s in hospital, refusing to blame you for her condition. She loves you…i know how you really are…why can’t you just stop with the abuse…

-Alright, sweety…now go back to your hubby and tell him to keep his hands from Estelle…i’m not in the mood to listen to you wining here…

-She reminds me so much of me…when i was 19, remember? I remember loving you so much…like her…but you were always so tender and protective…

-Let me understand…so, this is not about Estelle! Not at all…is about us, right honey? Tell me something…did you told anybody you’re coming here? You didn’t…good…i could think about a few things i would love to show you…Aly…remember that room where you and Tony cheated me…i turned it into a playing area…maybe we should try a few toys on that beautiful sensitive body of yours…

With those words he grabbed my shoulders, leaving me too little space to move…i started to believe it’s a mistake…seeing him so close, memories came back…last time…and i started to tremble while tears were falling down my face…

-God, Peter…what happened to you…

-You! You “happened” to me…you’re still “happening” to me…but you see, baby, life has a funny way to reward me…and maybe is pay back time…

-and what’s beyond anger? pain? frustration? bitterness…Peter…i miss you…i miss the man i thought is the love of my life…i miss your promises…the gentleness…i miss the feeling of being safe…why did you left me…

-Me? You left…

-no…you left me long time ago…every night when you turned your back leaving me crying…every rejection…every time when you chosed not to look at me, not to see me devastated…And yes, it is about us! Because her bruises  may pass some day…but me? Peter…the scars never goes away…And there’s no bigger pain than the one you put me trough…you said about pay back time…here i am! You already killed me…there’s nothing left to destroy…so, enjoy it!

Suddenly, a strange new light appeared in his eyes…tears were shining in his look…he took me gentle in his arms and we cried together. There was no need for words…i held him tight like a person who’s about to drown…i was about to drown…in my own sadness…He didn’t promised me, but we both knew…all this pain must be stopped…And i knew he’s changed…he’ll be a better man. It’s not nearly enough to heal my wounds…but at least for him it will be better…

2 hours later…

-Look into my eyes, Alicia! Why did i gave you the phone? What did i told you? If i’m calling you, i want you to answer! You turned it off…and you left the house without asking permission…without a single word…

-I was with Peter…if you care about where i was…i had to talk to him in private…hope you understand…

-That’s your excuse? “Hope you understand”? Alright, next time i’ll just lock you in the house…you’re too irresponsible to be left alone…

-Make sure you’ll tide me to the bed, or i may escape trough the window…

-Now you’re defying me…

-…yes, yes…i know…now you’re thinking of punishing me…right? I mean, right, Sir? Get real, Phillipe! I’m getting tired of this…Look…i’ll tell you once: i had to stop the pain! Peter, Estelle, even myself…It was something i had to do, like it or not! You and I, Phillipe, we’ll never have this type of relationship…you may fool yourself that you’re dominating me but…let’s be honest…

He took me in his arms, feeling my heart beating so fast…for the first time since i came back i saw him smiling. And the warmth in his eyes made me smile too…

-Princess, what am i going to do with you?

-Nothing…Phillipe…you said you love me…

-i do…

-now is a good time to show me you mean it…cause i’m really sad…i just need someone to hold me and to make me forget…i wanted to stop the pain and the hurt…and the abuse…and i feel so empty inside…just make me feel safe and loved…just for a moment…

He kissed me with a tenderness i was longing to feel for so long…

-Alicia…the pain never stops…we are born in pain and we will die in pain…And you cannot really save someone from an abusive situation…that person must want to get out…and the process itself is painful and hurting…You feel empty inside because of your own pain…but you don’t know how strong you really are! You’re always running away instead of facing the demons…your own demons…

-i’m not strong, Phillipe…

-yes, you are…you just don’t know it…there’s a light inside you…shining so strong…still so strong…didn’t you noticed how you reach to people…how you touch them deep inside their souls…how you touched me and now, every time you’re not with me, i feel the pain…the devastating pain of losing you…

-Phillipe…i’m sorry…i really am…for being so irrational and irresponsible and careless about your needs…I’m selfish, like you said…but i’ll try, i’ll really try to make you happy…i love you…

The words came from deep inside my heart…he was there, speaking the words i was longing to hear…and in the middle of the darkness he spoke to me about Light…lifting my soul above the hurt inside…

Learning to smile

“If I stand all alone, will the shadow hide the color of my heart;
blue for the tears, black for the night’s fears.
The star in the sky don’t mean nothin’ to you, they’re a mirror.”

(Rod Steward-“I don’t wanna talk about it”)

Olympic Beach, Greece

-Here…take this one! Is bigger! Why throwing only the little white rocks in the water, when you could throw this ugly big black rock? Now, Ali, repeat after me: with this big ugly rock…

-with this big ugly rock…

-I’m throwing away…

-i’m throwing away…

-All the pain and sorrow and anger…

-all the…I can’t! I wish i could, Henri…but the pain and the sorrow are still there. I think i’ll never smile…

-You will! Not only smile, but laugh and love and feel…Ali, you made this?

-What?

-All this big water lying under the cliffs?

-Don’t be silly…it’s the sea…

-No, you don’t fool me! Taste it! It’s salty, like your tears…you cried so much that you created the sea? Please…don’t drown us, you creator of the seas!

I started to laugh again even if my tears were still running down my face. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders keeping me warm and safe. I looked into his eyes…

-Your eyes are blue…like the sea…

-and my shirt is all wet from your salty tears! And you don’t even know how to remove the white stains produced by salt! Cause you never eat salt…you’re made of sugar, my sweet girl…

-Henri…do you ever talk seriously?

-i spoke to your father…

-oh, i understand…he convinced you that i’m a spoiled rich girl, an irresponsible and a liar…and that he and Phi…

-Stop! Stop talking or i throw you in the water! Look at me, Ali…now i’m serious. I didn’t recognize your father, he’s not himself anymore. He wanted me to convince you to accept…I told him my opinion and i guess i was a little harsh to him. I told him that you’re not for sell and that he just lost my respect for him. It’s true, Ali…he wants you to accept a relationship with Phillipe, regardless of your feelings. He was even capable of threatening me if i don’t “bring” you back the next day. Like you’re an object, a doll…God, i’m still furious…

-are you going to leave me? Because of my father, and Phillipe…and all my problems. Don’t…don’t leave me, please don’t…i’m so incredibly alone…

-Ali, did you heard what i said to you? Did you listened to me? I just said that i lost my respect for your father. I never said one word about leaving you! Sometimes, Ali, i feel like i’m talking to a big child! A big crying baby…look, i brought you here, no one knows where you are…no one will find you. We’re returning to Monte Carlo only when you’re ready to face the disaster. I’m with you in this! What else do you want me to tell you? Fight your insecurities or they are going to consume you. And never argue with me, cause i can talk more and faster than you!

-Henri, i’m so grateful to you…

-Show me how grateful you really are…let’s go back to the resort…

-what do you mean? i hope you’re not suggesting…

-Again…you’re talking over me…you’ll never learn, do you? Now listen to me! I wanna see you wearing that sexy red dress…we’re going to a club to dance till morning! Understood?

-Let me tell you a secret…Henri…come closer…this game of yours, playing dominant with me…my dear…it’s not working. Cause, you know what? I know how to play it too…only that i choose not to…You see…you cannot pretend to be a lion if deep inside your heart all you want…all you desire…all you need…

-yes…don’t stop…

-…is to stay at my feet…hoping i’ll give you the chance to kiss my little finger…

He started to laugh.

-Girl, you’re dreaming!

-Now, catch me if you can! See who gets first in the room. I bet i’m faster! You can’t catch me…wolf-man!

-You’re playing with fire, little girl!

Yes, i know…

I know you’re wrong…

“I’ve had enough of danger
And people on the streets
I’m looking out for angels
Just trying to find some peace
Now I think it’s time
That you let me know
So if you love me
Say you love me
But if you don’t just let me go”

(George Michael-“One more try”)

Lacoste, le Chateau de Le Marquis de Sade

-So…what do you think, my love? Those walls saw it all…this view is what He saw every day here. The history showed that this is the place He adored more than any other. Feel this energy in the air…Alicia, i feel so alive, so energized, i could live here! Home…

I was trying really hard to share his enthusiasm. It was a pleasant feeling to see him so happy, like a child who just opened a gift, but beyond that…I was struggling my inner storms, thinking of Mark and judging myself for kissing a complete stranger. I felt sad and abandoned and the castle seemed to made it worst. Like a dark cloud over my head…i felt a deep loneliness inside me and a sharp pain in my head. And a lack of air who got worst ever since i stepped inside the castle.

-Yes, Phillipe, it’s beautiful, even if it gives me some cold shivers…Look at those paintings and those images…can’t you feel the pain of his victims? It’s a very cold place…

-We’ll make it warm…i’m ready to make you love this place as much as i do. Come here…i have a gift for you. Close your eyes and feel this…

The touch of silk…

-A vintage dress…for me? It’s gorgeous, thank you so much…

-I want you to wear it tonight. Right now…and then i’ll show you the surprise. But first…let me see my beautiful princess dressed like she deserves…

The vintage dress was amazing. Brushing my hair, i kept repeating to myself that it’s alright. I’m oversensitive…in fact, i must be crazy…i just said “i love you” to a stranger. My God…maybe he’s having fun right now telling all to his friends. But he gave me the Medal. I looked at the necklace…no, i’m not crazy. And i have to get back to Phillipe…

-…is it ok?

He looked at me like it was the first time he was seeing me. Fascinated, amazed…i smiled to him thinking how much he loves me and how much he deserves from me to try…at least to try to feel…

-Alicia…i’m breathless…i tried to imagined this so many times…

He took me in his arms and held me so tight. I was still feeling bad but i tried to rationalize this sensation. After all…i was there with the man i supposed to love, in a castle. He tried everything to make me feel special and loved. I had no reason at all to react this way.

Two hours later, the main bedroom

-Feeling better, my love? You are so pale…

-Phillipe…the dinner was extraordinary…you brought me all my favorite food…with a touch of Provence. Even the home made chocolate that i used to eat when i was a child. And the wine…fabulous! I’m just so sorry i ruined the dinner…

-Don’t be silly, you just gave me a reason to take you to bed, my beauty…And now that you’re here in my arms is all perfect. Alicia…take off the dress. I wanna kiss you all over…and i’m gonna start with this little spot on your neck…Baby, what’s that necklace you’re wearing? The Miraculous Medal…i’m sure you didn’t had it when we left home…

He grabbed my face looking deep in my eyes. He was serious. I started to feel myself blushing and i tried, in desperation, to find a lie…

-No…someone gave it while i was waiting for you…it’s nothing, really. I forgot already…

I could see the anger growing in his eyes. My heart started to beat faster…he seemed changed, like something wild was taking control…

-Alicia, you’re the worst liar i ever met! Ok, my love…if it’s nothing…i’ll tell you what to do. Take it off and throw it away. Now! Didn’t you heard me? Or you need help? My pleasure…

He took the necklace in his hand trying to ripe it off my neck. I felt a panic and sadness like never before…

-No, Phillipe, stop it! I’ll tell you everything…just don’t break it. Please…

I started to cry, protecting the necklace with both of my hands. He stopped and lifted my face so he could see my eyes…

-I was…in the church…and it was a man who has the necklace…and i told him about my mom…and he gave it to me because he felt sorry for me. Cause i lost mine…and i was afraid to tell you cause you said not to go in the church…

I couldn’t speak anymore. My tears runned down my cheeks straight to the dress. It wasn’t about the fight anymore…i cried because my heart was so full…

-Baby…it’s alright. I’m sorry i got so angry with you. I believe you, ok? Stop crying, you’re gonna ruin the dress…Alicia…i don’t know what happened right now…i lost control. I felt that you’re acting like a spoiled child…thinking only about yourself. And me, my love? Don’t you think you hurt me a little too much? I’m only human…And i’m used to a different kind of woman. Sometimes i don’t know how to get to you…but all i do is for your own good. Try to be a little more sensitive about my requests…i don’t think is so hard…

-yes…i’m so tired…i think is the wine…i just wanna sleep…

-…you will, princess. Tell me…you wanna make me happy? But be honest now…

-you know i do…

-good…because i have something to ask you. A dream…my dream and yours too. Remember when you told me how much you want a child…my love…this is the perfect time, the perfect place…

-what do you mean?  You wanna…Here? No…i can’t…you know, i need more time…we need time…

-Alicia, i love you. It’s simple…In time, you’ll love me too…but why should we wait? We both have this dream…let’s make it happen right now…just think about…

His words were like fire in my heart. I said no…thinking all the time that i made the right decision…

Because in a place where fear and anger took the place of love…

in a place where i felt ravished by sadness and not by passion…

in a place where having a child is an expression of possession and control, and not an expression of a loving family…

No child should be conceived without love! No child should be a cure, or a bond, or a price, or a gift…or an attempt to heal my broken heart.

Lost in Paradise

“When there’s love inside
I swear I’ll always be strong.
then there’s a reason why.
I’ll prove to you we belong.
I’ll be the wal that protects you
from the wind and the rain,
from the hurt and pain.”

(Bryan Adams-“All for love”)

Early in the morning

-It’s saturday! You know i promissed my dad i’ll be…

-Your father will have to accept the idea…let’s make it oficial: i’ll call him and let him know you’re kidnaped…

-You’re crazy, Phillipe!

I started to laugh as he took me in his arms.

-Now, princess…you have no choice! I’ll take you to my castle and make you mine…it would be better if you’ll accept it willingly…

-well…promise me you’ll be gentle…this is my first kidnapping…

I smiled to him, running my fingers trough his careless hair…

Four hours later, in Les Baux des Provence

-This house is amazing! I had no idea that you own a house in the Provence…and what a house! You’re the richest lawyer i ever met…

-I was lucky enough to be born in a rich family, that’s all…the law is just a passion. Come upstairs…i’ll show you the main bedroom.

The main bedroom looked like a room from a palace. A king’s bedroom…simple and elegant the same time. I couldn’t help it…my imagination was running wild…me and Phillipe making love on the satin sheets. The though was exciting and my heart was already beating faster. Like he could read my mind, he sat next to me on the bed rubbing gently my shoulders.

-You know how many times i had this fantasy of seeing you in this bed…without all these clothes…just your soft warm skin. I imagined how i would kiss you all over…your skin is like silk, softer than any texture…i adore this taste…

He started to lay softly kisses on my body…i never felt such an incredible sensation…it almost scared me. The desire of being his…knowing it will be fantastic. I tried to stop myself and get back my self control…

-You make me lose my self control, Phillipe…and i can’t do this without knowing you better…i still need some answers…

-My love…you don’t need any self control…you’re safe here. And as much as i wish to make love to you right now…we will wait. Now let’s go to the castle before i’ll change my mind. Remember…you’re kidnapped…completely under my power.

I smiled to him…he kissed me with a passion i almost forgot it can be.

An medieval castle in an medieval village

-Come on, princess! Take off your sandals…i can’t believe i let you wear high heels here. What was i thinking about! I only agreed to the long dress because you look amazing in white. Like a true princess…

-So…carry me till the top of the hill! In your arms…my feet are hurting from all the walk…i think i’ll make you give me a massage tonight…

-I’ll give you more than that…and it wont hurt at all…only pleasure. Now let me kiss you…i never kissed a princess before…

Feeling his strong arms around my body i was thinking…when was the last time i felt so secure and loved. It was much more than desire…i felt trust. I forgot how good is to trust someone. How could i not trust him…i felt like he was saving my life the other days…that nightmare and the way he pulled me trough and made me smile again.

My day dreaming was interrupted by a strange voice from behind. There was nothing sweet or gentle about this person. A woman…looked like 30, maybe more…with savage eyes and ravished hair. And that voice…she pointed at me and started yelling in anger.

-You arrogant bitch! Why did you came back here? Why?! You wanted to see the ruins…that’s all we have left, ruins! You destroyed it all! You wanted freedom…you got your freedom and we paid the price! But noooooo…that was not enough…you had to came back!

In a complete state of shock, i looked around. She was really talking to me. People were starring…her accent was american. She had frozen eyes and an evil smile…

-You were death, i saw you dying! Who brought you back? The King? He’s an idiot then! Those eyes…i recognize them! Princess Alix de Baux…

-How did you called me? No, you’re confusing me. My name is Alicia Isabel, not…

-Never vassals! That’s what you said! You arrogant and disobedient bitch! And we believed you! Look what you did…only ruins…

Before she could say anything more, her parents showed up. Her father took her twisted hands and got her to their car. I heard her screams all the way…

Her mother looked at me with the saddest eyes i ever saw.

-I am so sorry for my daughter…she’s schizophrenic…she had these crisis ever since we came here. We’re leaving today and i wanted to see the castle one more time. I’m so sorry…she did this before to another tourist…saying all the crazy things…I’m deeply sorry that she offended you like that, i should know better. We just took our eyes from her for a few seconds and she…

I couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing that poor tormented woman pleading for her daughter. It was too much…i got closer and took her in my arms. She seemed so surprised…she started to cry. I assured her i’m not mad and i asked if i can help…with anything. She said no. She left looking so deeply hurt…

I turned my head to see Phillipe. He was there, but seemed lost. I could swear he had tears in his eyes and when he finally spoke his voice sounded tired and sad.

-Let’s go home, my love. Alicia…what you did right now…i thought i know you…

-You’re upset with me? It wasn’t my fault, and her mom was so sad…how could i let anybody feel like this without trying to help? You understand, right? Please, talk to me…i didn’t mean…

He took me in his arms and kissed me, making me feel more confused than ever. He looked deeply in my eyes and grabbed my face.

-Every time i think i’m in love with you…i realize it’s much more. I love you. It’s that kind of love i always knew it exists but i never felt it. I don’t even know how to say this to you…except that i want you forever in my life. I know i sound desperate…but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You think that in time…maybe you could feel the same?

I didn’t had an answer. I wish i could make my heart listen to all the reasons, the rational reasons. I wish i could feel for him all the right things. All i know is how fascinating i find him…but that’s not nearly enough.

Her words were still in my mind. “All we had left are ruins”. She was talking about my heart…